I
wish someone would sell a big reset button that we could use in the bedroom. Many of us could really use one. We’ve developed some bad habits, sex has become blah, and now we’re not sure how to find passion again—if the passion was ever there in the first place. Maybe when you were first married, she didn’t experience a lot of fireworks, but she insisted it was no big deal. You
that we can experience real passion?
TALK THROUGH YOUR RESET If sex isn’t frequent in your marriage because her libido is lower than yours, talking about how you need more sex is likely to backfire. To the low-libido spouse, it makes you sound needy—like she has more self-control and maturity than you have. Instead, frame the conversation about passion, something you both need, like this: “I love being intimate with you, but I feel like we’re missing something. I want it to be stupendous. I feel like it’s been rushed, and while I love being with you, I don’t want to settle for good or okay. I want great—for both of us! Can we try to ‘create great’ together?”
PRAY THROUGH YOUR RESET If many of your issues are rooted in baggage—whether it’s baggage from past relationships or baggage from porn use— confess what you need to before God, and then ask Him to give you both His view of sex now: that it is sacred, and beautiful, and only for the two of you.
MAKE YOUR RESET VISIBLE
HOW DO WE FIND THAT RESET BUTTON SO THAT WE CAN EXPERIENCE REAL PASSION?
never really worked out how to make her feel great, so now sex seems like a duty for her, and something you feel guilty asking for. Or perhaps you both crossed some lines early in your marriage, using pornography or sex toys that have tainted sex. You wonder how to get back that pure excitement for just each other. Or maybe sex has just become routine. It’s always in the same position, with the lights off, for exactly nine and a half minutes. You’re sure there should be something more! So how do we find that reset button so
28 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015
If the reset is necessary because of hurtful patterns from the past, it may be helpful to have a “physical reset.” Buy different bedding. Change the position of the bed in your bedroom. Buy new candles or new pillows. Visibly announce, “We are starting fresh.”
EXPLORE EACH OTHER ANEW Usually the problem when a reset is required is either sex has become purely physical—where there isn’t a sense of spiritual or emotional intimacy—or you’ve been rushing through sex and there isn’t enough foreplay. Here’s an exercise to help with both! Have her lie still, naked, for fifteen minutes as you explore her body. Why? You’ll learn what she actually likes. (Many men have never figured this out, but many women don’t even know