THE IMP.
June, 1926.
Editor : N. B. WOODCOCK.
Committee : Third Year Representative—M. RUSSELL. Second „
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W. MURRELL. A. FOWLER.
Treasurer : N. SYMES.
THE IMP No. 22.
Summer Term.
1926.
EDITORIAL.
T
HE Imp might almost be advertised this term as a ' Special Schools Number,' since its contents are concerned chiefly with that all-important and engrossing event. It certainly gives one food for thought, and we are grateful to it for affording inspiration to contributors if to none others. The majority of articles in question have been provided by people who have still a year's grace before them ; those ' bewildered in the maze of Schools ' return them thanks for their sympathy. But enough has been said on the subject ; could the genius of Schools appear he might well say with Rosalind, ' I was never so be-rhym'd since I was an Oxford exam.' It is to be hoped that the Imp will enjoy a prosperous career in the following year, and that the future Editor will be able to take delight in his robust stature and not spend her time perpetually nursing him back to a precarious state of health. In spite of all his shortcomings, we take our leave of him with regret, and wish his acquaintance may prove as agreeable to our successor as it has to us.
RONDEL OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY. Madam, I give my life into your hand, Though hap it may your ladyship amaze That life should seem a fardel of the Greys. But wish clerks wonnying in the land Have proven, nought but smoke are mannis days; Madam, I give my life into your hand, Though hap it may your ladyship amaze.
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THE IMP Dan Cupido, the god of love, has mann'd My herte, and rules o'er tackle and o'er stays, And spurs me to indite this in your praise. Madam, I give my life into your hand, Though hap it may your ladyship amaze That life should seem a fardel of the Greys.
POEM OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY. Since, madam, life's a bagatelle, An airy dream, a puff of smoke, In thin disguise, I proffer you My life for what it's worth—a joke.
IF THE CAP FITS. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety.' Oh, pale dark woman whom nobody loves, Why do you go out punting in gloves?' "Tis the voice of the sluggard, I hear him complain, " You have waked me too soon ; I must slumber again." ' Hymns devout and holy psalms Singing everlastingly.' And the beating of my own heart Was all the sound I heard.' Also, when passage tastes the spray wreaths Of incense, breath'd aloft from curtained bowers,' And still we gazed, and still the wonder grew That such long words expressed the same as few.' ' She had often eaten salad but had never had enough.' But of all plagues, good heaven, thy wrath can send, Save, save, oh save me from the Candi(e)d Friend.' ' The loud laugh that spoke the vacant mind.' Oh ! that a week could be an age.' ' Which member of the third year- is -so fortunate as to be considered "- short and fashionable "? '
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DIRECTIONS TO THE UNIVERSITY. Dtreetions to Examiners. In my directions to the University, I find, from my long observations, that you, Examiners, are the most powerful persons concerned, and as that requires the greatest exactness, I shall run through the various branches of your office, and order my instructions accordingly. If a word is mis-spelled, this is a sign that the candidate— who, you may be sure, is your sworn enemy—has no knowledge of the language, and as,this is of far greater importance than the subject, you may very conveniently dismiss her with a fourth class at the very most, pending the viva voce. You must know that it is the purpose of examinations to find out, not what the candidate does, but what she does not, know. Take special pains to remember this when you are composing the papers, and you will see that the MINOR poets, philosophers and politicians at once become of the utmost importance from your point of view. Some examiners think that general rules are of importance. Nothing is more false. Always demand of your candidates the minute exceptions, contexts out of works as yet unpublished, dates about which there is considerable doubt even in your own minds, etc., etc. en Whyou are conducting the viva voce examination, stare your victim into giving the wrong answer ; this is an infallible way of ploughing students, especially the ugly ones. Directions to Candidates. If, as is more than likely, you have nothing to say, say it in very large writing and in as many words as possible. Nothing pleases examiners more than to be deceived in this way. It flatters their sense of their own intelligence. Next to large writing and prolixity, nothing is so important as the order in which you answer the questions. Always rearrange this differently from that on the printed page, even if it be slightly to your own inconvenience to do .so; otherwise the examiners might wonder whether you had really thought about your work. The necessity of making as if to begin a question, of -the answer to which you are completely ignorant at the time, as the word to cease writing is given, is too well known to be worth describing- in detail. Don't be so unthrifty as to allow your ideas and your facts to run hand-in-hand, or be inter-dependent. Keep them quite separate, and so long as they disagree your class is assured,
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Lastly, in the viva voce consider the notorious susceptibility of examiners to real insight into the art of living ; remember the strong connections that exist between maquillage and information, scent and intelligence, transparent blouses and the natural selection of candidates. Even your ignorance, which is supposedly stupendous, will not be so valuable to you on this occasion as your appearance. Keep this rule rigidly and you are sure of a First ; and, as for the uglies, they of course deserve no consideration in any case. M. B. R.
SONATINA. Cast off my punt. Tell me there is no need, No need of paddles. I have seen them float, Drift like sea-monsters in the slimy weed In rivulous places where I moor my boat. Shall we, poised coolly in our quivering barque, Ignore the bites of bugs on summer day, And seek, the while, the shade of willows dark? Cast off my punt. Bring out the Craven A, Abdulla, anything--they're all too small ; Longing for shade, unwilling for the bites, So with no choice except to smoke us all. We lie and smoke, watching the limpid lights, Unmoving, lest a sleeping gnat should wake, And with its buzz the stirless silence break. BARGEE.
THE WAYFARER'S RETROGRESSION. As I walked through the wilderness to the Lawn, I lighted on a certain place where was a tree ; and I laid me down in that place to sleep ; and as I slept I dreamed a dream. I dreamed, and behold I saw many people bowed clown with a burden of books ; and as they read therein, they wept and trembled, and brake out with a lamentable cry, saying ' What shall I do to pass? ' In this plight they remained, until, coming from a path beneath the trees, I saw one Tutang-elist,' who came to them and comforted them, saying : ' Go ye down the straight and bumpy road, until ye come to a street which is called " High," and therein shall ye see a gate made of iron bars, but ere your coming the gate shall be rolled hack, and ye shall ascend the steps which are behind it, to the House of the Interpreter, and he will instruct ye further.' And they went, and many of them ran, and many of them did ride. And when they had gone a little way, then did many
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turn back because of the unevenness of the ground ; and many of them were sore afraid because of the bellowing monsters which arose out of the Slough that stood at the meeting of four ways ; and therein did many stick. Yet some I saw who emerged thence, and journeying quickly down the road which is called High, came to the House of the Interpreter. And thither were many people flocking, and the Interpreter came and instructed them ; and some of them listened to his teachings, and profited thereby ; and others heeded not the teaching wherewith he did teach them. This journey did they make for many a weary day, and as the days advanced, fewer and fewer were the wayfarers who came to the House of the Interpreter ; for each day some sank into the Slough which is at the meeting of four ways, and others, not liking the unevenness of the narrow way, came not at all. And many others, too, disregarding the words which Tutangelist had spoken upon them, that at the going down of the sun they should sleep, wandered unawares in the darkness, and coming within the regions of Giant Despair were cast by him into Doubting Castle, and listened not to the pleading of their friends that they should get themselves out. But those of them who were content to walk by day, when it came to the time that they should leave the Interpreter, wrestled with Apollyn, and Tutangelist did help them, so that wresting from him his shield which was called ' Period,' and his sharp spear which was called Setbook,' they entered into the Valley of the Shadow of Schools, and many were the ills they met therein ; and were it not for the armour of Apollyn with which they were clothed, they had fared ill. And many, emerging from the terrors of the Valley, did enter into a pleasant land, and therein rested. And there came to them one from the House of the Interpreter, saying : Arise ! and gird your limbs yet again with the armour of Apollyn, and go ye to where the " Riva " flows from the Valley of the Shadow of Schools, and there shall ye meet various holy men, whom ye shall know by the white bows which glisten on their necks and the red ribbons which hang down their backs, and if they find ye worthy, then will they shew ye the way to the Celestial Pass.' And behold, they did as he bid them ; and when they were met with the men wearing white bows, then did they ask them many questions. And some they beset full hardly, so that they drowned them in the ' Riva ' which flows from the Valley of the Shadow of Schools ; but others got safely over the Riva,' and being met upon the other side by men in flowing robes, then were they given robes of a like hue, and ribbons of fur were put upon their necks. Then did those happy ones enter in triumph through the arch of the Celestial Pass, and then did they people it, even as sheep, for the name whereby they were known was B.A.'
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THE BARGE OF THE BIKE BRIGADE Half an inch, half an inch, Half an inch onward, All in St. Margaret's Road Pedalled and wandered, Mounted on steeds of steel, Wobbly their foremost wheel, Dcxt'rous with toe and heel, Quatrogenarians. ' Forward the Bike Brigade ! ' Fell off a heavy maid. All the spectators saw had tumbled. Their's not to help her on, Their's not to right the wrong, Joined she the watching throng. All down St. Margaret's Road Wheelbarrow rumbled. Bookies to right of them, Stewards to left of them, Buses in front of them Hooted and thundered. Never was used a bell, Slowly they lurched and fell Into the man in front, Into the Woodstock Hell All of them blundered. Press to the right of them, Escort to left of them, First-aid behind them Shouted and thundered. Brookie she groaned and fell, Bookie he uttered yell ' See how my purse doth swell ! ' Quickly they turned and ran Back through the Woodstock Hell, All that was left of them, Quatrogenarians.
THE IMP Hail to Free's glorious name ! Honour to Binsey's Dame ! See at the College gate All the spectators wait. Mayoress the prize bestowed On her who longest sate, Quatrogenarian.
WE ARE SEVEN.' (With apologies to Tchechof and Playfair.) Dramatis Personae : ANFISA TCHELINSKOF. ALYONA MYORTVAVO. OLGA MORAJKOWSKI. KATERINA Tut? GIENEV. NATALYA IVANOVITCH. YEUSEITCH AKSAKOFF. SONIA GONSHININ. General Directions : Dark Clothes, Tragic Voices, Wan Complexions. Scene : A Room in St. Hugovitch. (Anfisa Tchelniskof discovered in cap and gown at Table R.) ANFISA. The principle is that if the conditioned is given, the whole sum of conditions required to account for the conditioned and therefore the absolutely unconditioned is likewise given. (Enter Olga.) OLGA. Here is the claret cup for the Bump Supper! (Sits.) There is something peculiar about this house ! If only they would return ! I know, something will happen soon. (Enter Natalya.) What news, Natalya Ivanovitch? NATALYA. NO news OLGA. Is good news? NATALYA. I care not, Olga Tchelniskof. OLGA. But tell me what has happened. NATALYA. How can I? And what does it matter? I was playing in goal, when suddenly a sense of the utter futility of my whole existence came over me. What did it matter if they shot another goal or not? The centre was running towards me ready to shoot, but feeling as I did what could I do? I turned on my heel and left the field. (Sinks into a chair and buries face in hands.)
THE IMP I know that I shall plough unless I can see why the empirical conception of a plate is homogeneous with the pure geometrical conception of a circle. OLGA. Here come the others. (Enter rest of team.) SONIA. Oranges, Alyona Myortvavo.
ANFISA.
Thank God. (Both begin to eat and continue throughout scene.)
ALYONA. OLGA.
There is something peculiar about this house ! She means the claret cup.
KATERINA.
YEUSEITCH
(dreamily). Peas blossom and apple pips.
I suppose the Bump Supper will be to-night, Olga Moravkowski? OLGA. I hope so, Katerina Turgienev, but remember there is more joy in the S.C.R. over one poor soul who gets a First than over ninety-and-nine Bump Suppers. ANFISA. Alas ! much as I would like to come, I cannot unless I can first read two hundred and seventy-nine pages.
KATERINA.
NATALYA
(looking
up). • Futility.
know that something terrible is going to happen ! (With hand to brow): An oyster may be crossed in love. Who says a whale's a bird ? I see—I see—what soon you'll see. (Faints.) SONIA (taking third orange). Be careful, Katerina Turginiev, we
OLGA. I
may be seen. KATERINA.
Alas, yes, Sonia Gonshinin ; we had better go.
YEustrrcu (dreamily). Peas blossom and apple pips. We are going to the Cinema after the. Bump Supper tonight, Natalya Ivanovitch. Will you come? NATALYA. No. OLGA. Why not? What will you do? NATALYA. I shall sit here for ever thinking of things and writing them on the floor. YEusgrrcu (dreamily). Peas blossom •and apple pips.
OLGA.
(Exeunt, except Anfisa and Natalya.)
THE IMP
THINGS WE WANT TO KNOW. Whether a certain member of the second year has definitely abandoned the cultivation of an ingenue air ' ? Who thought that the Light of the World' was a film? Why the World Call to the Church has been postponed? Whether one-third of a bath daily is a better bargain than three whole ones weekly? Do you think it's quite nice For a girl who's called Bice, If a Yank calls her Peachy When her real name is Bice? Would a laborat ' be equivalent to an agrotat?
GAMES REPORTS.
f Brunyate. 1 Stave.
TENNIS. First VI. Cowell-Smith. Neal.
McNeill. Lingard.
Second VI.
F ulford. Machin. Chapman. Taylor. Reserves : Phelips, Helps. Owing to the weather and the strike, several matches early in the term were scratched, and college practices have been far too few for our needs. The First VI has suffered various changes, which perhaps accounts for the lack of combination in the third couple. The Second VI has also been unsettled, partly owing to the fact that the standard of play of the rest of the College, when the first twelve have been deducted, is extremely low, and also that on the whole far more enthusiasm is shown for the river than for tennis. Next year it is proposed to put up a list to ascertain the number who are really willing to play regularly. Both Sixes played up well in the cuppers, and it was unfortunate that we met Sometville in each case. Perhaps the most enjoyable match of the season so far was played against the S.C.R., and we hope that this will be an annual event in future. We wish to offer our best thanks to Miss Gwyer for the challenge cup she has presented, and to express our appreciation of the thoughtful consolation prize of Palmolive soap, I Platt. 1 Neville-Rolfe.
THE IMP which we hear is now touring the S.C.R. team. In spite of tense feeling, the match was remarkably amicable, only one wound being- received (entirely due to wire netting). We were much impressed by the professional air of Miss Salt, who used two rackets of varying sizes according to her mood.
P.S.--A clause will be inserted in the tennis rules next year, to the effect that it is illegal to develop possibilities of weak laughter in the opposing side. MATCHES. 1sT VI, v. Gloucester Training College Won, 5-4• 2ND VI, v. Headington School Won, 70 65 games. 1ST VI, v. Park's Club Second VI. ... Lost, 3-6. 2ND VI, v. Somerville (Cupper) Lost, 3-6. 1ST VI, v. S. C.R. ... ... Won, 6-3. 1ST VI, v. Somerville (Cupper) Lost, 1-8. 1ST VI, v. Malvern Girls' College Lost, 3-6. Later matches v. Manor Park. , University College, Reading. Wycombe Abbey.
S. H. C. C. C.
Captain: V. RUSSELL. Vice-Captain: M. H. GENT. Secretary : M. FOOKES. The Club has twenty-five members this season. The standard of the team is considerably below that of last year. Batting is its strongest point, though very erratic. Ogilvie has batted well in two matches ; Hobhouse and Gent form a reliable first pair, the latter being a very useful all-round member of the team. The rest of the team go to pieces as soon as they are up against good bowling. This is largely due to lack of practice, as the bowling of the club at present is poor. If some members of the team would practice bowling, preferably overarm, before next season, they would improve not only the bowling, but the whole cricket of the club. For bad batting and bowling there may be some excuse, but there can be none for bad fielding, and, what is worse, slack fielding. The team gives an impression of apathy and slackness hich is incorrect. Everyone needs to be much more on the alert and quicker in starting. They must try to get behind balls, and not rely on one hand only. Anyone can make themselves good in the field, and the importance of this cannot be ovecrated. ,
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The following matches have been played :v. Oxford High School ; won by 65 for 7 wickets to 24. (Ogilvie 34, Gent 7 wickets for to.) v. St. Mary's, Wantage ; won by 25 runs. (Russell 43 not out.) v. Somerville (Cupper) ; lost by 6 wickets. (Ogilvie 21.) First XI: *Gent, Hobhouse, *Ogilvie, *Russell, Osborne, Fox, Fookes, Deacon, Hackshaw, Welch, Anderson. (* First XI colours.) S. H. C. S.C. Captain : D. C. TAYLOR. The club has been greatly handicapped this term by the resignation of all the third year members in favour of Schools, except for V. Russell, who still plays in the United Polo Team. This leaves us sadly in need of fast swimmers. Of the divers, S. Hignett is good, and is to be congratulated on doing so well in the united match v. Bedford College, London. Among the first year, J. Helps' diving is good, and L. Leonard is promising, but she should brave the Rhea, and practice putting more energy into her dive. B. Mott is to be congratulated on playing in the United Polo Team. In our match v. Cheltenham we lost all events but one. Our chief weakness was in speed. We were without our fastest member, and the rest were handicapped by the greater length of the Cheltenham bath. J. Helps' high dives were good. The first round of the Polo Cupper against Somerville is this week, and the Swimming Cupper at the beginning of next week. Our only other fixture is against Malvern College on the last Saturday of term. I should like to thank the team for their readiness to turn up for tests and practices at all sorts of inconvenient times. Team :—Long distance, S. Hignett ; Short distance, S. Hignett ; Style, J. Helps, D. Taylor ; Diving, S. Hignett, J. Helps ; Team, S. Hignett, B. Mott, J. Helps, M. Phelips.
HOLYWELL PRESS, ALFRED STREET, OXFORD.
CONSTITUTION OF THE COLLEGE MAGAZINE. 1.—That the Magazine shall be called ' THE IMP.' the officers of the Magazine shall be an Editor and a Treasurer, elected by the J.C.R., and an elected representative from each year.
2.—That
3.—Contributions shall be accepted or refused by the decision of the majority of the Committee, the Editor reserving the right of the casting vote. 4.—The Committee shall not be held responsible for any opinions expressed in the Magazine. 5.—Nothing of intrinsic merit shall be excluded on account of views expressed therein. 6.—The anonymous character of contributions shall be respected when required. 7.—Contributions are eligible from the Senior and Junior Common Rooms, past and present. 8.—The Committee shall be empowered at their discretion to invite contributions from anyone not a member of the College.