PP issue 4 by G&J Media

PINK PARENTING

europe's No.1 GAY PARENTING Magazine

www.pink-parenting.com TWITTER # pinkparenting

issue 04 MAR/APR 2012 £2.95 04

The stories, science and all things parenting for the LGBT community!!

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ISSUE 04

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ALSO IN THIS ISSUE: ASK THE DOCTOR i ABOUT YOUR BABY’S CRIES i CANDY i ANNABEL KARMEL i NELFA

MARCH/APRIL 2012 06 News, WE LOVE views, reviews, gifts, gadgets and gizmos. 12 We COVER STORY: RUFUS WAINWRIGHT talk exclusively to the singer / songwriter about the charms and challenges of being a dad to baby Viva.

18 Baby BABYSENSE SECRETS expert Megan Faure explains the different types of crying a baby makes and how you can turn that frown upside down.

23 Hotels INTO THE WILD not your thing? Why not try taking the kids to an Eco-Dome, or for stay in a Tipi or even better, in a Bird’s Nest suspended under a tree! Check out our alternative accommodations to get back to nature. © Tina Tyrell / RufusWainwright.com

26 Easter EASTERis aEXPEDITIONS great excuse to get out and spend some time with the family and we have found some great days out to keep you and little ones occupied for hours!

30 Kid’s EASTER EATS nutritional guru Annabel Karmel is back with a tantalising selection of tasty treats - perfect for the Easter break.

36 Angelo NELFABerbotto CLOSE UPfrom Nelfa explains what you need to know when considering travelling abroad with your family.

41 We BEHIND THE BRAND – iCANDY take a look behind the English made brand of baby pushchairs, and discover about their history, the key to their success and their plans for the future.

44 Linzi LEGALBullLOWDOWN takes time out to discuss the need © Cover image: Kevin Westenberg / RufusWainwright.com

for new vocabulary to encompass the various parenting relations that can now exist.

47 Law YOURfirmLEGAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED Finers Stephens Innocent are back to answer all your parenting related legal questions.

48 Dr.ASKLavyTHEaskDOCTOR all your questions when considering surrogacy as an option to start your family.

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MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

©Disney ©Disney. Based on the ‘Winnie the Pooh’ works by A.A.Milne and E.H.Shepard

Healthy snacking for kids from 12 months on

Available from all major supermarkets Hello I’m Annabel Winnie the Pooh & I have searched the hundred acre wood to bring you these tasty & healthy snacks for those little ones with rumblies in their tumblies. The range is naturally yummy, contains no artificial colours or flavours & made using only the finest ingredients so your toddler will have lots of energy for fun filled adventures.

MARCH/APRIL 2012 www.pink-parenting.com TWITTER # pinkparenting

PINK PARENTING

europe's No.1 GAY PARENTING Magazine

issue 04 MAR/APR 2012 £2.95

The stories, science and all

things parenting for the LGBT

community!!

ISSUE 04

ING.COM WWW.PINK-PARENT

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KARMEL i NELFA YOUR BABY’S CRIES i CANDY i ANNABEL ALSO IN THIS ISSUE: ASK THE DOCTOR i ABOUT

Group Publisher Jeff Crockett Managing Editor Giorgio Severi Art Editor Damian Browning Contributors Angelo Berbotto, Linzi Bull, Megan Faure, Annabel Karmel, Caroline Kelly, Dr. Gad Lavy, David Octave, Darren Royce Business Advisor PJ Mack Interim Sales Manager Carlo Mendez Freelance Sales Susan Calatayud, Pier Minole Accounts Manager Jennifer Bailey

Welcome to Pink Parenting It’s great to be sharing our latest issue of Pink Parenting with you. In this copy, we have an exclusive interview with singer/ songwriter Rufus Wainwright who shares about what being a Dad means to him, and we hear from Megan Faure who explains the different cries a baby makes and how you can identify them. Easter time is a great excuse to spend time with the family and we have found some great places for you to visit guaranteed to get you back to nature – so don’t forget your camera! We have also included 3 fab days out in and around London. Travelling abroad with your family sounds great but do you know the risks? Angelo Berbotto, child lawyer and member of NELFA, explains all you need to know. And finally, with great recipes from Annabel Karmel, Easter can really be a family event. So with all this, and much more, why not make a cuppa, sit back, relax and enjoy our magazine – Happy reading. Team PP

Legal Advisor Samuel & Davies Client Liason Officer Connie Wilson Printed in the UK by The Magazine Printing Company using only paper from FSC/PEFC suppliers. www.magprint.co.uk Advertising Enquiries advertising@pink-parenting.com Contact details: Pink Parenting Magazine Suite 318, Building 50, Argyll Road, London SE18 6PP Tel: 020 3556 3767

www.pink-parenting.com

Annabel Karmel

Dr.Gad Lavy

Caroline Kelly

Annabel is the UK’s leading child

Dr. Lavy is the medical director and

Caroline is a member of the family law

nutritionist and best-selling author of

founder of New England Fertility, and is

team at Finers Stephens Innocent.

books on feeding babies & children.

an internationally recognised speaker

She specialises in all aspects of private

Annabel was awarded an MBE in

and author on the topics of infertility,

family law, including international and

June 2006 for her outstanding work

assisted reproductive technology,

domestic children law, residence,

in the field of child nutrition.

surrogacy and egg donation.

co-parenting, surrogacy and adoption.

Linzi Bull

Megan Faure

Angelo Berbotto

Linzi is a Senior Associate and Co-

Megan is specialised in both sensory

Angelo is a trained children’s lawyer,

Head of the Family Group at Harbottle

integration and neurodevelopment

but also works closely with the Italian

& Lewis LLP. She has experience in

therapy, and treats babies with

Rainbow Families Association, Famiglie

all aspects of relationship breakdown

sensory integration difficulties,

Arcobaleno. Angelo has competed in

and has particular expertise in

including extreme fussiness, poor

the Out and Euro Games is looking

complex same-sex children law cases.

sleep habits and feeding problems.

forward to becoming a dad soon.

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MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

WE L♥VE

THE LATEST NEWS, VIEWS, REVIEWS, GIFTS, GADGETS AND GIZMOS MADE FROM THE FINEST MATERIALS, JACK AND LILY’S HANDCRAFTED footwear are some of the softest baby shoes available today. Specially

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ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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SEE MORE AT WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

MOTOR SKILLS

CREATED BY EARLY RIDER, THE ‘CONRAN JUNO’ IS

the latest ride-on toy which helps children’s motor skills to develop faster. Made from light, durable nylon with a moulded foam saddle, this futuristic looking bike comes with two riding options– ‘stable’ which allows the bike to works as a ride-on and ‘unstable’ which acts as a normal bike – helping with core balance and keeping your child upright. www.conranshop.co.uk, £65

CHIPMUNK CHAOS!!

I DO AT BEN & JERRY’S

Ben & Jerry’s, top selling ice cream producers, have shown their support for the legalisation of gay marriage in the UK. The American firm have changed the name of its populare apple pie flavoured Ice Cream to Apple-y Ever After and the carton depicts two men in tuxedos standing on top of a wedding cake!!

LOO LEARNING BOOK of the month 

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ALVIN AND HIS FURRY PALS ARE BACK in town just in time for Easter, in Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked this time the crew find themselves stranded on a desert island that turns out to not be quite the paradise it first appears. This DVD is also jam packed with extra bonus features that will keep your kids entertained for hours.

www.amazon.co.uk, ££14.99

LET’S FACE IT – CONTEMPLATING POTTY training can be scary for little ones, and equally daunting for parents!, but if you have got a child you are planning on potty training, then this beautifully illustrated story book could be a life saver! George and Hollie and the Magic Carry Potties is the latest book from Amanda Jenner, inventor and designer of the innovative “My Carry Potty”, full of great training tips and includes a Potty Training Reward Chart with stickers to incentivise your

child to keep up the good work. www.cheekyrascals.co.uk, £6.99

MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

WE L♥VE

THE LATEST NEWS, VIEWS, REVIEWS, GIFTS, GADGETS AND GIZMOS FAVOURED BY JODI KIDD, THE ‘GABI’ BABY BAG from SugarJack, brings a whole new meaning to baby

bling for the modern parent. Made from premium quality leather and hand crafted to the highest standards, the ‘Gabi’ features Sugarjack’s innovative detachable ‘baby organiser’, full of clever waterresistant pockets and a wet bag, changing mat and even has a bottle insulator, providing you with all the functionality you need for you and your baby on the go. www.sugarjack.com, £329

PRODUCT of th monthe 

SNUG AS A BUG...

ADD SOME COLOUR TO YOUR EASTER BREAK with the new Bugs That Hug. These great mittens come with two new fun designs. The all new Ladybird and the Bumble bee – perfect for toddlers and young children for those long Easter day trips or walks in the park.

www.snuguns.com, £11.99

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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PINK PENGUINS

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It may come as a surprise to some of our readers that humans are not the only species that have a homosexual gene. Due to recent media coverage, male penguins are now believed to be able to live in a same-sex relationship with one another. Often going through the courting process, copulating and rearing young penguins from before they hatch, these furry buddies are in it for the long haul, with reports of male couples staying together for 15 years - and counting.

RUGGED SHOTS

CUTLERY CREATURES

THIS GREAT 6 PIECE CUTLERY SET FROM Tum Tum, feature a bowl shaped fork,

THE NEW FINEPIX XP 2012 RANGE FROM Fujifilm offer the ultimate camera for anyone

and a spoon with straight edges designed specifically for scooping up sloppy foods. The cutlery is decorated with fun jigsaw characters that can be mixed and matched to create new species!

who loves the great outdoors and wants to be able to save their memories every step of the way. Waterproof, sandproof and freezeproof and built in GPS too - these cameras are built to last! www.fujifilm.eu/uk, £219.95

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CONSIDERING PARENTHOOD?

MEN HAVING BABIES, a New York surrogacy group that has grown into an international network, will be holding their Gay parenting APRIL 29-30, 2012 Expo and surrogacy seminars in Barcelona LLORET DE MAR NEAR this year. Speakers will include experts in BARCELONA, SPAIN medical, psychological and legal fields, a surrogate mother and gay parents. Twenty leading agencies and clinics will exhibit and hold presentations on ethical surrogacy practices, international surrogacy laws, know egg donations, and speaking to surrogacy children about their origins. www.menhavingbabies.org/europe THE FIRST EUROPEAN SURROGACY SEMINAR & GAY PARENTING EXPO

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MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

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The Fertility Center of Las Vegas (FCLV) has been dedicated to providing the highest level of reproductive care for more than two decades. Dr. Bruce Shapiro & Dr. Said Daneshmand work tirelessly to offer effective, individualized care for male and female-factor infertility. The doctorsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; commitment to advancing the science of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI) has won international acclaim. Their peer-reviewed studies and papers have brought worldwide recognition. For more information please visit our website.

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CELEBRITY SPOTLIGHT

WORDS_ DARREN ROYCE

As part of the musical Wainright dynasty, singer-songwriter Rufus Wainright’s work spans pop, rock, theatre, opera, dance and film. Rufus talks exclusively to Pink Parenting about the birth of his daughter, Viva and the charms and challenges of parenthood.

ot on the heels of the triumphant US debut of his 2010 opera Prima Donna at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, Rufus Wainwright releases his seventh album at the end of April. The Mark Ronson-produced Out Of The Game is an unashamed celebration of 1970s folk and pop. Wainwright will be embarking on an international tour in late spring, culminating in a performance at The Forum in Bath, and he recently met the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh following his musical treatment of a series of Shakespeare sonnets, which he performed at Westminster Abbey for Commonwealth Day. Such work ties prove an unfortunate distraction for the 38-year-old who, supported by fiancé Jörn Weisbrodt – a German theatre director - recently had a daughter with surrogate mum Lorca Cohen, the daughter of singer Leonard Cohen. Viva Katherine Wainwright Cohen was born on February 2 last year in Los Angeles, California. »

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ÂŠ Ellis Parrinder / RufusWainwright.com

CELEBRITY SPOTLIGHT

Have you always wanted to be Dad?

How will you explain to Viva that she is part of a very modern family?

No, it never occurred to me to even be a possibility. I really thought I would never have children – just like I really thought I would never buy into marriage – so recent events have been a wonderful surprise. If I’m honest, I wasn’t against being a dad, but up to a certain stage in your life you follow the preconceived ideas of society; you don’t really know there are other options. For that reason, having children wasn’t an expectation as I grew up - it didn’t seem possible. I’d probably long accepted the fact I wouldn’t have children. But then Lorca approached me with this plan. I just thought ‘yes!’ It seemed to make absolute sense. There was no reason why we shouldn’t do this, and every possible reason why we should. Before she died, I was able to ask my mother [the folk singer Kate McGarrigle] what she thought of the idea, and she said “Rufus, it’s your duty”. That was the approval I wanted. From then on it was quite easy, really. Of course, my mother now lives on in my daughter Viva’s name, which was always going to be very important to me.

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This is easy, it just takes love and understanding and a sense that we are all - as in the world and every person on it - in the midst of this incredible period of change and morphing of attitudes. It’s new for everybody, this world. It’s full of so much hope and so much more understanding than at any previous point in time. You don’t feel imprisoned by old-fashioned values and ignorance. Isn’t it wonderful?

Was it difficult having a surrogate mother? I wouldn’t ever describe Lorca as that – a surrogate mother – to be honest. It’s not like Viva isn’t her daughter – of course she is. She is her own flesh and blood, and a constant in her life. Just like Lorca is Viva’s mother. And I am the father. That whole relationship structure is pretty clear in my mind, so the formation of it - right from the start - was very easy. There were no complications. It was all very easy and natural.

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“THIS WORLD IS FULL OF SO MUCH HOPE AND SO MUCH MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN AT ANY PREVIOUS POINT IN TIME. YOU DON’T FEEL IMPRISONED BY OLD-FASHIONED VALUES AND IGNORANCE. ISN’T IT WONDERFUL?”

Below: Rufus with partner and ‘deputy dad’ Jörn Weisbrodt, who are believed to be getting married in August 2012.

With such a musical background, has Viva shown any signs of following in your footsteps?

not like it used to be – and I wouldn’t want to go back to how it was, either. For instance, there aren’t 20 naked people running about in my apartment while I sit there in my bathrobe at the piano and play Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk.

She has a very high-pitched scream – does that count? I think she might be a soprano. I think, so far, it’s much more a case of her inspiring me. Of course, it’s all still very early days in terms of the impact she will have on my life, but what has happened has clearly been inspiring to me with regards to my music. I’m not sure I ever expected that – I hoped it would be the case, of course, but you don’t know what sort of influence as new person coming into your life might have. As it turns out, what has happened has been nothing short of miraculous, and I’ve written many songs about Viva. You’re going to hear all about this on my new album.

What were you like as a kid – an angel or a little devil? I was extremely precocious but also sensitive and transparent. I liked to think of myself as this very fragile figurine. Will Viva be like I was? I’m not so sure. I don’t think she will.

What qualities do you think are needed make a good parent? Do you already possess these skills or are you learning on the job, so to speak?

What has being a parent meant to you, and how has it changed your life?

You British people say it the best: “All you need is love”. No matter who or where you are, that’s the key ingredient. It works for everyone, but you need lots of it – and 24 hours a day! For me, I’m learning most how challenging the practicalities of our set-up are. And that’s been the biggest thing to overcome, but »

Viva is only one, so it’s a bit too early to tell. But I would say that I don’t go barrelling into the ocean like I used to, unafraid of the waves. I have responsibilities now and I take them very seriously. It’s

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CELEBRITY SPOTLIGHT every single parent has obstacles of different varieties, so we are no different. As things stand, I live in New York and Viva lives in LA and Paris with her mother. I have a lot of time with my daughter in terms of holidays and so forth, but it is primarily her mother who is the caregiver. So I’m coming to terms with that – I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but it’s a fact of the relationship, so you have to accept the way things are. The strange is that, for me, that sort of structure actually feels very natural. Why? Because it’s the way Lorca and I were both brought up. We were both looked after by our mothers while our fathers were out working, so I guess it’s not that strange after all.

Recent media coverage has brought to light a rise in ‘preconception agreements’. What are your thoughts? I don’t know much about this, but if you’re asking ‘do you do legal stuff beforehand?’, then yes. It’s good to get that down for sure – you owe that to every person in the relationship, but most of all you owe it to the child. People should be afraid of protecting themselves and those around them. It’s not very romantic, but there are plenty of opportunities for love to show itself. When you’ve got a gay relationship involved, I believe that if there’s ever a death of a parent then the other should be able to have custody of the child.

Finally, with pink parenting becoming more acceptable, what advice would you give to other gay couples who want start a family? That’s a good question, and the answer for me is really quite vague, but sincere. Essentially, I would just advise not to have any expectations whatsoever, and to always be flexible. Nothing ever goes the way you think it will. I guess we were lucky because most things did go to plan with Viva, but not everything. It can be such a long road and you cannot plan every step of the way. Also - unless you have a surrogate, and you have two men bringing up the baby, which is not our case - if there is a woman involved, you have to take her needs into close consideration. At the end of the day, a happy mum means a happy baby!

Rufus Wainwright’s new album Out Of The Game is released on April 23, with the single of the same name available from a week before.

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MUSICIANS WHO’VE CHOSEN SURROGACY

Surrogacy is a great option for many couples to become parents. We take a look at some celebs that have families thanks to surrogacy.

CLAY AIKEN

In August of 2008, Clay announced the birth of his son Parker Foster Aiken to the world. Clay was a favourite of fans during the second season of American Idol, where he finished second to Ruben Studdard. His album Measure of a Man went double platinum in 2003, and he made his Broadway debut in the spring of 2008 in Monty Python’s Spamalot. The baby’s mother is Jaymes Foster, Aiken’s friend and record producer whom he met while performing on American Idol. Clay’s representative confirmed that Foster was artificially inseminated. The baby boy weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces and according to a statement on his website. “The little man is healthy, happy, and as loud as his daddy,” Clay wrote.

SIR ELTON JOHN

In December of 2010, Sir Elton John and long-time partner, David Furnish welcomed baby Zachary into the world via surrogacy. Sir Elton and former advertising executive Furnish met in 1993 and were joined in a civil ceremony in 2005. In 2009, the couple tried to adopt a 14-month-old HIV positive boy from the Ukraine named Lev. However, the Ukrainian officials said that Sir Elton, 65, was too old and his civil partnership with David would not be recognised as a marriage by Kiev. ‘For many years we have talked about fulfilling one of our greatest wishes by becoming parents. And now this wish has been granted to us, we feel so blessed and lucky’ said the elated couple. It has been suggested that the birth may have cost the celebrity couple up to $1million (£646,000) in fees and payments to the clinic and women involved.

RICKY MARTIN

Once know for Livin’ La Vida Loca, Latin Heartthrob, Ricky Martin is now more content than ever to take life at a calmer pace. The 39 year-old singer had twin boys born via surrogacy in 2008 with his long-term partner Carlo Gonzalez. Deciding on a surrogate for the couple wasn’t a decision they took lightly, taking time to find the right woman to be involved and learning about her motivations. Ricky also admits that his children were the reason behind his life-changing decision to confirm his sexuality, which had long been the subject of speculation. On asked how he would explain details of their birth in later years, he said: ‘I’m gonna tell them ‘I wanted you so bad that with the help of God everything lined up for you to be in my life’.

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BaBysense secret From the very earliest days of your babyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life, crying is their most effective way of telling you that they need something. In fact a young baby can spend up to 7% of their waking time crying! However, although crying is entirely natural few things can undermine your confidence as a new parent more than feeling unable to comfort your crying baby. Megan Faure, co-author of the Babysense Secret and expert in chid behaviour, runs through every possible scenario where your child may cry.

ISSUE 04 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; MARCH / APRIl 2012

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WORDS_ MEGAN FAURE

here are so many reasons why your baby will cry, for example hunger, a wet nappy, environmental discomfort such as bright lights or being too hot or cold, that it can seem overwhelming trying to work out what’s causing the distress. So how can you work out when your baby is over stimulated and not hungry, tired or sick? The answer lies in reading your baby’s signals and eliminating the causes… It would be great if there was a manual that said when your baby cries long and hard it means X and when she has lots of short gasps it means Y but the reality is that there is no consistent pattern to crying and each baby’s cries are different. Crying is designed by nature to illicit a response in parents and our automatic reaction is to spring into action! But it’s actually important to remember to pause when your baby is upset and take the time to try to interpret her signals and cries. Cries are best understood by eliminating causes and looking at context;

THE WINDY CRY

Small babies typically pull their legs up when crying, so it’s easy to mistake every cry for a sore tummy, which isn’t always the case. Actually, gas, wind and tummy cramps are not often the cause of most irritability and crying. However, if your baby fusses and cries right after being fed, gas may have built up in her tummy, which would make her feel uncomfortable. If your baby stops feeding and fusses at the nipple or teat, take a break and see whether, with some encouragement, she burps or breaks wind. After a feed, hold your baby upright and pat or rub her back for a while to encourage her to burp.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR BABY’S CRYING!

THE HUNGRY CRY

To rule out whether hunger is the cause of her distress, consider when she last fed. Crying less than two hours after feeding probably doesn’t indicate hunger, as long as she is gaining weight. Babies have growth spurts at four to six weeks and again at four months and she will need to be fed more frequently at these times. If your five to six month old baby begins to fuss between feeds or is only satisfied if fed more frequently than before, talk to your health visitor about the best time to start introducing solids.

THE UNCOMFORTABLE CRY

This cry is generally accompanied by a squirming and is often caused by a wet or dirty nappy, or nappy rash. A room that is too hot or cold can also be a cause of discomfort – the best room temperature for a baby is between 16 – 20 degrees with the ideal being 18.

THE SICK CRY

If your baby suddenly becomes very irritable and cries a lot, he may be unwell. If this is accompanied by a fever or loss of appetite, take him to your doctor straight away.

THE TIRED CRY

If you have ruled out hunger, wind, discomfort and illness and your baby is still crying the chances are she is over tired. Daytime naps are crucial for keeping your baby calm while she is awake, » and will also make it easier for you to get her to sleep at night.

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BABYSENSE SECRET THE OVER STIMULATED CRY

THE BABYSENSE SECRET

If your baby is crying inconsolably and you’ve eliminated other causes, it could be that she’s been over stimulated. If she was fussing just before the crying spell and continued to be stimulated, she may have reached such a state of distress she is unable to calm herself – particularly if it’s the end of the day. Typically, she will pull up her legs, become blue around the mouth, and bring her hands towards her face and mouth in an attempt to soothe herself. Each baby has a different threshold for discomfort. This has to do with your baby’s sensory filter. Similar to a low pain threshold, your baby may have a low threshold for sensory changes that will cause your baby to be very reactive and intolerant. So for a sensitive baby a dirty nappy may cause misery where for a more settled baby this discomfort will not concern her. Sensitive babies might also pick up on and be upset by changes in routine, being over stimulated, or tensions around them in a way more settled babies wouldn’t be. If you have a very sensitive baby, you just need to be a bit more sensitive too! Simply by acting as a filter in their life and being alert to over stimulation and lessening the impact of potential irritations you should see a noticeable change in their crying behaviour, which will benefit you all.

Megan Faure is co-author of the Babysense Secret, available to purchase from www.hippychick.com,, £12.99, If you’re wanting to encourage your baby to calm down by themselves many find the ‘white noise’ of vacuum cleaners, hair dryers and washing machines calming as it emulates the muffled sounds they would have heard in the womb environment. Incessant crying is stressful – That’s a fact. Babies can scream at up to 110 decibels which is on a par with an emergency siren! To an exhausted, sleep deprived parent that level of noise, particularly when it goes on for hours can become intolerable. If you’re finding it difficult to cope with your baby’s crying it’s important that you seek help. Ask your partner, friends and family for advice, help and respite. If your baby’s cries are getting you down on a longer term basis your Health Visitor or GP may be able to help. The NSPCC has also recently issued new guidance on what to do when your baby’s cries become unbearable, suggesting you put your baby down in a safe place such as a cot until you have managed to calm down. Finally, a baby will cry for many different reasons but by the time your little one is a toddler they will have the language to communicate their needs to you so their cries tend to be easier to identify as they’re usually limited to anxiety, physical hurt, frustration, tiredness or wanting some attention. Toddlers can become savvy to the fact that their cries or moaning get attention, but this is a pattern of behaviour you want to avoid!

THE CALMING STRATEGY

It takes your baby’s brain about five minutes to register and fully respond to a calming strategy – so try each of the following for five minutes before moving on to the next. If for instance you swaddle her and she initially wriggles and squirms keep her wrapped for five minutes to give her nervous system time to process this strategy and settle: PEACE AND QUIET - Newborns can rarely cope with more than 10 minutes of intense visual stimulation. If your newborn is fussing and she is in a loud, bright place, take her to a quieter room and draw the curtains. Cradle her in a sling to shield her from the barrage of sensory input. SELF CALMING - If she is starting to calm herself by sucking on her hands or bringing them up to the midline of her body, don’t interrupt her. If your baby is not soothing herself at all (which is very common under nine weeks), try swaddling her with her hands near her face. In this position she will attempt to soothe herself by sucking on her hands.

THE 5 GOLDEN RULES:

SWADDLING - Swaddling your newborn has a wonderfully calming effect. Babies who are swaddled are significantly calmer and have longer periods of undisturbed sleep than babies who are not.

To ensure that your toddler only cries when it’s necessary try following these 5 golden rules: Keep your toddler busy and active. This way they’ll be too active and engaged to remember to moan!

THE SOOTHING TOUCH - Touch is a tool that parents use intuitively with their babies from a kiss to a hug to a stroke. When your baby cries, use gentle but firm patting to calm her or even try placing your hands firmly on her and keeping them still for a few minutes

Try to identify and deal with any obvious causes such as tiredness or hunger as quickly as possible, before the moaning becomes entrenched.

ROCKING MOVEMENTS - Calm your baby with rocking motions – a sling is very good for this. For sensitive babies, a good walk in the cocooned environment of a carrier or sling is very calming.

Reward positive behaviour. As far as possible don’t be seen to give in to or reward moaning (tempting though it can be to stop it!)

CALMING SOUNDS - Talk or sing softly to her: she loves the sounds of your voice. She also loves the familiar rhythm of your heartbeat so you can try lying down with your baby lying against your heart – a calming position for both of you when thing reach out of control!

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

Try to avoid saying ‘no’ out of habit. Make sure you only use this word when you really have to otherwise it will become a source of frustration for your little one.

WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

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It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but reconnecting with nature can be a fun, low-carbon-footprint way to spend the holidays with your family. Now that the concept of camping is back in fashion, new exciting options are appearing all the time. How about staying in a tree house, or spending a weekend in the snug luxury of a pre-pitched yurt? With parks now reopening for the summer, you can have an adventure of a lifetime at a minimal cost.

TREE HOTEL – THE BIRD’S NEST HARADS, SWEDEN

Covered in twigs and perched high up in a tree, this twiggy haven may as well have been built by one of our fine feathered friends. Designed by Inrednin Gsgruppen, the Bird’s Nest is one of five incredibly fun tree house rooms at the hotel in the middle of the woods, with an additional 20 being built. The Bird’s Nest is a four-bed room, spacious environment where a family with two children can comfortably spread out. Guests access the room via a retractable staircase and offers the opportunity to be able to experience the high-life under the canopy of the lush and pristine Boreal forest. www.treehotel.se

WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

PACK YOUR BAGS

Above and left: The Treehotel’s Bird’s Nest Room, which offers a unique chance for guests to experience what a bird’s-eye-view is like under the canopy of the lush Boreal forest.

OTRO MUNDO – ECO DOME SiERRa DEl SEgURa, SOUTHERN SPaiN

Located in the pristine hills of the Sierra del Segura and situated on private, centuries-old terraces these two contemporarily designed eco-domes at Otro Mundo are perfect for families, featuring ecological toilets, solar heated showers and private play areas, the domes are as eco-friendly as possible and only a two-hour drive from Alicante Airport. The area has an huge variety of landscapes, from natural reserves, to idyllic medieval villages to experience during your stay. www.otro-mundo.com

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIl 2012

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Eco REtREats – tIPIs & YURts DYfI foREst, walEs

Situated in a beautiful and remarkably remote location in the heart of the Dyfi Forest, Eco Retreats is the ideal place to escape the pressures of the outside world and find some space to reconnect with nature, to your loved ones and to yourself. Each tipi or yurt has its own toilet and shower unit and is situated on its own secluded spot so you can really make the most of the peace and quiet. www.ecoretreats.co.uk

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12.09.11 10:02

DAYS OUT WITH THE KIDS

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIl 2012

wORdS_ GIORGIO SEVERI

www.PINK-PARENTING.COM

With Easter just around the corner, spring is in the air, the weather is finally getting better and school’s out for two whole weeks, a perfect time to get out and experience something new with your family. We have found some great days out in and around London, guaranteed to keep you and your brood happy during the Easter break.

WARNER BROS. STUDIO TOUR THE MAKING OF HARRY POTTER

People the world over have been enchanted by the Harry Potter films for nearly a decade. The wonderful special effects and amazing creatures have made this iconic series dear to both young and old. Now, for the first time, the doors are going to be opened to everyone at the studio where Harry Potter first began and where the secrets will be revealed! This experience will give you the chance to go behind-the-scenes and see many things the camera never showed in the films. From breathtakingly detailed sets to stunning animatronics, Open all year round from 10am costumes and props, this tour provides £83.00 a unique showcase of the extraordinary Family tickets £28.00 British artistry, technology and talent Adults (16 years +)

OPENING 31 MARCH 2012

that went into making the highest-grossing film series of all-time. Please note, tickets can only be bought in advance and will not be on sale at the venue.

Children (Ages 5 to 15)

£21.00

Under 4’s

Free

www.wbstudiotour.co.uk



WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

DAYS OUT WITH THE KIDS

LEGOLAND WINDSOR

Legoland is a theme park for children of all ages and boasts over 55 interactive rides and attractions where you can fly through the treetops to escape fearsome dragons, ride the thrilling rapids with a Viking Fleet or join Lego® divers on a magical underwater adventure on Atlantis Submarine Voyage. All set in 150 acres of beautiful Windsor park land, it’s a great day out for the whole family, or why not make it a weekend and stay at the Lego-themed Resort Hotel!

DICKENS WORLD

See website for opening hours.

Dickens World is an original and exciting indoor complex themed around the life, books and times of one of Britain’s best loved authors. Celebrate Dickens’ 200th birthday by stepping back into his world and immerse yourself in the city streets, sounds and atmosphere of the early 19th century. There are many exciting attractions to enjoy, along with a host of Charles Dickens characters to meet.

Adult 1 Day Admission

£43.20

Child 1 Day Admission

£34.20

www.legoland.co.uk

See website for opening hours. Adult 1 Day Admission

£13.00

Child 1 Day Admission

£8.00

www.dickensworld.co.uk

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIl 2012

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ANNABEL KARMEL

aster is such a welcome break. I love Easter as the nights are getting lighter and it’s a chance to take a breather from the usual routine of school and work. Use Easter to bring the family together by cooking yummy recipes with your children, and play all the classic games such as painting eggs and Easter egg hunts. Another reason for loving Easter is that it is one of the only times that chocolate eating is positively encouraged, so I use this time to make treats with the family and give them out to friends and loved ones.

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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RECIPES_ annabel karmel

CHOCOLATE EASTER EGG NESTS

Shredded wheat and melted chocolate make perfect nests for candy coated Easter Eggs and they are quick and easy to make.

Ingredients • 5 Shredded wheat • 75g milk chocolate • 75g plain chocolate • 50g butter • 3 tbsp golden syrup • mini candy coated eggs

or • 85g Rice Krispies • 150g plain chocolate • 40g butter • 2 tbsp golden syrup

Method Crush the Shredded Wheat into a bowl with your fingers. Break the chocolate into pieces and put into a saucepan together with the butter and golden syrup and melt over a gentle heat. Line two baking sheets with foil or non stick baking paper. Stir the Shredded Wheat into the chocolate mixture and spoon eight mounds onto the baking sheets, shaping into rounds with a dip in the centre. Chill in the fridge for several hours until set, then peel off the nests carefully and fill with mini eggs. Makes 8 Chocolate Nests

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mARCH / APRIl 2012 – ISSUE 04

EASTER EATS

RHUBARB AND GINGER FOOL

Pale pink forced rhubarb – sometimes called Champagne rhubarb – appears early in the year. I like to bake it sprinkled with ginger sugar, as it concentrates the flavour and keeps its shape, so the slender stalks can also be served as a warm or chilled compote if you don’t want to purée it for this delicious fool.

Method

Serves 4 to 6

Let the rhubarb cool slightly, then transfer to a blender, along with the juices, and whiz to a purée. Taste and add the extra sugar, one tablespoon at a time, if the rhubarb is too tart. Refrigerate until well chilled.

Ingredients • 450g/1lb (trimmed weight) rhubarb, cut into 5cm/2in lengths 55-75g/2-3oz sugar 1/2 tsp ground ginger 200ml/7fl oz double cream 2 knobs of preserved ginger, plus 1 tbsp syrup from the jar • Thin ginger snap biscuits, to serve

• • • •

Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas Mark 4. Sit the rhubarb in an ovenproof dish in a single layer (I used a Pyrex dish about 27 x 18cm). Mix 50g/2oz of the sugar with the ginger and sprinkle over the rhubarb. Bake for 30 to 40 mins until the rhubarb is tender.

Put the cream and ginger syrup in a large bowl and whip to soft peaks. Stir the rhubarb purée to loosen it a little, then fold the rhubarb into the cream, leaving some streaks of purée marbled in the cream. Spoon into individual glasses or a glass serving bowl and chill until needed. Chop or slice thinly the preserved ginger and scatter over the fool before serving. This is delicious eaten with some thin, crisp ginger biscuits.

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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EASTER EATS

TALEGGIO AND NEW POTATO FRITTATA

Ingredients • 225g (8oz) new potatoes, scrubbed and halved if large

• 2 tbsp olive oil • 1 onion, chopped • 1 red pepper, deseeded and cut into • • • • • •

small 1 cm squares 1 clove garlic, crushed (optional) 6 eggs 4 tbsp crème fraîche 6 large basil leaves, shredded (optional) 225g (8oz) diced taleggio cheese, no rind 55g (20z) grated Parmesan

Method Frittatas (or Spanish omelettes) are fun to eat cold, cut into wedges but this can also make a lovely spring lunch if served with a green salad. A good non-stick pan will make it a lot easier to slide your frittata onto a plate. The taleggio on top of the frittata makes it quite soft (hence need good non-stick pan) when warm though it slices OK into wedges when chilled. However you could reduce the taleggio to 150g and just have it in the egg mixture instead of on top as well.

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Put the potatoes in a pan of cold, salted water and bring to the boil. Cook for 12-15 mins, until tender when pierced with the a knife. Drain and leave to cool. When the potatoes are cool enough to handle cut into 1 cm cubes, discarding any bits of loose skin. Heat the oil in a deep 20-23cm (8-9in) nonstick frying pan. Add the onion, peppers, garlic (if using) and sauté for 10-15 mins, until the vegetables are soft. Meanwhile, beat together the eggs and crème fraîche with plenty of salt

and pepper. Stir in the basil leaves (if using) and half of the taleggio and Parmesan. Preheat the grill to high. Stir the cooked potato into the vegetables. Pour the egg mixture into the pan and cook, stirring, for 1-2 minutes, until the eggs are starting to thicken, then lower the heat and cook the frittata (without stirring) for 8-10 minutes until brown underneath and just set. Scatter the remaining cheese over the top of the frittata and grill for 2 minutes, until the cheese is bubbling and golden. Leave the frittata to stand for 15 minutes then carefully loosen with a non-metallic spatula, slide onto a large plate and refrigerate as soon as possible but do not cover until thoroughly cold (or condensation builds up on the clingfilm). If the frittata is too soft to slide out of the pan then cool the pan quickly by dipping the base into cold water then refrigerate until the frittata is firm. Cut the frittata into 6 wedges to serve. Makes 6 portions (or 4 for lunch with a salad)

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LITTLE CHICK CUPCAKES Ingredients • 55g/2oz butter • 55g/2oz soft light brown sugar • 85g/3oz clear honey • 1 egg • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

• • • • •

2 tbsp apple puree 85g/3oz self raising flour 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon 1/2 tsp ginger 1/4 tsp salt

Decoration • 150g Buttercream for the topping (available from supermarkets) • 60g Yellow marzipan for the chicks • Candy coated mini chocolate Easer Eggs Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4/Fan 160. Line a muffin tin with 6 paper cases. Beat together the butter, sugar and honey until light and fluffy. In another bowl, beat together the egg, vanilla and apple puree then beat this into the butter mixture. Sift over the flour, cinnamon, ginger and salt and fold in. Divide the batter between the paper cases and bake for 18-22 minutes, until risen, golden and firm to the touch. Remove from the oven and leave to cool for 10 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack and leave to cool completely. When completely cool, spread the top of the cakes with buttercream. Make little chicks from the marzipan using a ball of marzipan for the body and a smaller ball for the head and pinching in the marzipan to form a tail and a beak. Sit one chick and one Easter egg on top of each of the cupcakes.

PINK-PARENTING.COM WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

NELFA CLOSE-UP You are about to board a plane with your same-sex (civil) partner and your children for a well-deserved family holiday on the beautiful Italian island of Sicily. You relax thinking you are covered for all eventualities; however, Angelo Berbotto explains the risks of leaving the UK that not even your insurance company will cover.

id you know that your family ceases to be one in the eyes of the Law the moment that you leave the UK and enter Italy? Italy does not recognise marriage or civil partnership, and when it comes to parenting, for Italian Law there “cannot be” two legal parents of a child who are of the same gender. A minor accident requiring hospital intervention of your child may trigger questions by hospital staff such as “Who is the parent of this child?”, and preventing the other parent access to their child. As absurd as this may sound to us, this sadly is a reality that needs to change. The reason for this is each State in Europe is allowed to regulate Family Law in any way they see fit which translates into a system where there is no uniformity, and where the laws in each country reflect varying degrees of discrimination and homophobia. In March 2008 ILGA Europe realised that it was time for Rainbow Families from different corners of Europe to get together and organised a conference in Slovenia called “Different Families, Same Love”. This generated momentum within LGBT families associations from within Europe which up to that point had virtually had no contact with one another. A year later APGL, one of the French associations of Rainbow Families, invited other associations they had made in Slovenia to a meeting in Paris. On 1st May 2009 the Network of European LGBT Families Associations (www.nelfa.org) was born. At that meeting only France, Italy, Finland and Spain were represented. Nowadays, Rainbow Families Associations from over 20 European nations are represented in NELFA. NELFA acts as an umbrella organisation and co-ordinates and assists associations of Rainbow Families already in existence within the different European States. Although operating since 2009 as a network, NELFA will be formally registered as an international NGO in Brussels in March this year. NELFA seeks to represent the interests of LGBT families before the European institutions and to lobby for policies that take into account the specifics of LGBT families, for example when it comes to paternity/maternity leave, education, inheritance, schools, etc. We have found that a concerted effort at national level and at European level is necessary to help things moving. Take for instance a country like the UK where, apart from a limited number of cases, LGBT families enjoy their family life without much trouble. Compare this with a country such as Italy where social parents have no status,

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

WWW.PINK-PARENTING.COM

wORdS_ Angelo BerBotto

where the children to the eyes of the Law only have one mum or dad, where gay and lesbian couples have to travel outside their countries to access medically assisted reproduction. In between these two extremes there are different shades of gray with states granting certain rights but no others. This situation is far from being fair and NELFA seeks to address this injustice. Furthermore, topics such as homophobia in schools, assisted reproduction techniques and access to services already enjoyed by conventional families are part and parcel of the areas that NELFA seeks to co-ordinate and develop. There is amazing talent and knowhow within the members of NELFA and a successful project or campaign in one country, with some adaptation could be used in another. There is much to be gained in uniting efforts and working together across Europe. work with international partners has led to designating the 6th may 2012, International Family Equality day, and LGBT families from Europe,

www.PINK-PARENTING.COm

the USA and Canada will celebrate family diversity with picnics and events to raise awareness about the existence of Rainbow Families. On 28th April 2012 NELFA’s 2nd European meeting of LGBT Families will take place in Spain. The 1st meeting was in September of 2010, organised by APGL, and was a huge success attracting much media attention. The 2nd meeting is being organised by FLG, the LGBT Families of Catalonia, and it will take place in the resort of Lloret del mar near Barcelona. About 700 prospective parents and parents with children are expected to participate in this great event that will combine seminars, a marketplace, and lots of family activities. These are exciting times for Rainbow Families and we remain optimistic that things can only get better!

For more information on NELFA and it’s events, please visit www.nelfa.org or register at www.familieslgtb2012.org

mARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

Want to be a dad? Lesbian couples and single women are looking for genuine gay men willing to donate sperm by personal arrangement.

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Pink Parenting Promotion Smart-Trike

It’s smart to be outdoors Calling all parents... Do you remember that sense of excitement when you ran so fast you thought your legs would fall off, or when you wheeled around on your very first tricycle?

etting your little one active from a young age is absolutely ideal but finding the right product is important. A good one to consider is a tricycle, not only is it a great way to support the development of motor skills, co ordination and build their self confidence – it is also a lot of fun wheeling around outside and, with the latest innovations from Smart-Trike your little one can start falling in love with their tricycle from as young as 6 months old! The new Recliner Stroller 4 in 1 is a world first having been awarded the ultimate stroller certification; this trike really is like no other. Even better, it cleverly grows and transforms with your child so there will be no tearful departure! An adjustable, tilting recliner seat gives your baby a comfy and safe perch to enjoy being outdoors. But, when they’ve seen enough, tip the seat back and it’s perfect for nap time too and, with Smart-Trike’s unique detachable steering handle mum and dad have full control and peace of mind during the early stages. As your little one develops however, this can be removed to let the excitable toddler explore for themselves in the months and years ahead! Providing the opportunity to wheel around outdoors really is the smart choice to make. It supports strength endurance, improves coordination and obviously keeps your little one fit and healthy. In addition it is thought to develop creativity that is often restricted indoors. But, the best benefit of them all (for parents!) your little one will come in exhausted and have a great night sleep!

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So have a think… what do you love about being outdoors with your family and what is your fondest tricycle memory of your little ones or maybe even yours?! Get your Smart-Trike today at Amazon, Argos, ELC, Smyths Mothercare or Toys R Us, RRP £149.99 – www. smart-trike.com

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T H E H U M A N R I G H T S CA M PA I G N F O U N D AT I O N

Family Project The HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN FOUNDATION FAMILY PROJECT works for fairness and equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender families. Through partnerships with a broad coalition of organizations and individuals, the Family Project dramatically improves the way key institutions serve our families with its three main initiatives: WELCOMING SCHOOLS: A comprehensive, LGBT-inclusive approach to addressing family diversity, gender stereotyping and bullying in elementary school environments. HEALTHCARE EQUALITY INDEX: Establishes the "gold standard" for healthcare institutions regarding policy and practice with LGBT families. ALL CHILDREN â&#x20AC;&#x201C; ALL FAMILIES: Provides innovative resources and training to help foster care and adoption agencies welcome and support LGBT families. Visit the Human Rights Campaign website at WWW.HRC.ORG/FAMILY for more information.

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Candy is a British family owned business, with almost 80 years of manufacturing expertise, the company has been passed down from generation to generation to the current CEO’s, brothers Bradley and Warren Appel. After nearly 40 years designing and producing children’s safety products, In 2005 the brothers had the idea of creating the world’s most beautiful pushchairs with today’s parents in mind. Martin Boyle, Commercial Director for iCandy explains “no one was offering parents, grandparents or even child minders a personal service when deliberating on their pushchair purchase.”

“You could obviously buy pushchairs online, which was great, but it wasn’t meeting the true needs of that individual parent. We wanted to invite the parents to one of our select stores and provide them expert advice on a pushchair that not only met their demands, but that was also of superior quality, durability and of cutting edge design” On re-inventing the family business during the mid noughties, inspired by megabrand Apple’s iPod and iMac, the company joined the popular trend of using the lower case i in a brand name. Martin explains that “Combining the lower case i in front of the friendly global word for sweets, iCandy was

born, Candy was also the name of the family’s first dog, so the two together were a win-win situation for the company and is now globally recognised.” After rebranding, the company launched the iCandy Apple modular Travel System, placing iCandy firmly on the ‘pushchair’ market. Innovative in design, one feature of this system was that it offered a 4 wheel or 3 wheel option to better suit the parents requirements, a first for the pushchair market. “As a family run business we have no corporate share holders to deal with, so we have been able to invest all of our profits right back into the research and »

baby pushchair has evolved into an ultimate Behind the brand... The fashion statement for all would-be parents, designed to meet the needs of the modern day Mum and Dad, Mum and Mum and Dad and Dad. iCandy offers the ultimate in stylish travel solutions for babies starting off in life.

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MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

BEHIND THE BRAND

The iCandy strawberry multi-functional system boasts many exciting features with a unique one hand step and stand folding action.

ONE OF THE REASONS WHY WE HAVEN’T EXPLODED ONTO THE INTERNATIONAL SCENE LIKE SOME OF OUR COMPETITION IS BECAUSE WE REALLY WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT THE BRITISH PARENT IS ALWAYS LOOKED AFTER FIRST. development of new pushchairs, accessories, and allowing the brand to grow. Most competitors launch a new product every 4 to 10 years, but with the flexibility of our business dynamic, we are able to launch a new product every one to two years”. “This year, for example, we launched the iCandy Peach Jogger, a 3 wheeled multimode system along with the iCandy Peach special edition and next year we will be adding even more products to our collection, which means we are always able to keep things fresh and modern.” “An important part of our business strategy is we don’t mass market our products. This is simply because we pride ourselves on being more of an exclusive brand than your every day household purchases. We do this by predominately focussing through independent retailers with an exception of service orientated retailers like John Lewis and Harrods. This may change in the future but our core values of giving individual parents a service that our competitors don’t offer will never change.”

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

On the business model of iCandy, Martin states “We are not obsessed with the amount we sell, we are more concerned on how our product is sold, we are very much about customer service first and revenue second. One of the reasons why we haven’t exploded onto the international scene like some of our competition is because we really want to make sure that the British parent is always looked after first, before we engage with international distributors and before we allow news to be launched on the Continent or in the US, and this has kept us unique.” “Also something that has kept us unique is every time we launch a new pushchair we hold competitions for ‘test’ parents. We have what is known as ‘a golden chance’, so a bit like Willy Wonker and the Chocolate Factory, we send out bars of chocolate to all entrants and only five to ten of them will have the golden chance ticket in it, which means they have been chosen to test the new product and then keep it afterwards.” “For the future, we want to continue to make bespoke, modern and outstanding

pushchairs that meet the demands of that individual parent, and that stand out from our competition. iCandy undertake extensive research into trends, designs and the materials and textiles that we use. But it’s not just the aesthetics we take seriously, we also invest a lot of time, money and research into the health aspect. Research shows health benefits of having your baby laying flat; allowing the spine and vital organs to grow and develop, which is why investing in a carrycot has great health benefits for your newborn.” “Even though the core business has been around since the 1930’s, iCandy itself is only 7-years-old, and the team is made up of mostly young and modern people just like our target demographic. iCandy is an equal opportunities company, and have employees from all walks of life, including people who are gay and lesbian, with some wanting to become parents themselves, so as a company it is well prepared for the needs of the next mum or dad to be, simply by making sure that the products we launch are always going to be a perfect match for our future parents.”

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LEGAL LOWDOWN

A new vocabulary is needed to encompass the various parenting relationships that can now exist. That is the clear message from a recent and, many would say, ground-breaking case that has just been decided in the Family Division of the High Court – a case that will not only form compulsory reading for any lawyer working in the gay and lesbian parenting field, but of which many a gay or lesbian parent or would-be parent should be aware.

he reality is that, while the concept of ‘family’ has changed significantly over time, both socially and legally, and for the better, language lags behind and is becoming outdated; and, as that gap widens, it is becoming increasingly important that it is addressed to give all families and the roles within those families, status and significance. The language used in cases about the arrangements for children can have huge significance for the participants in those cases and be highly emotive. It can polarise the parties and prolong litigation to the detriment of the children and the family as a whole. Adults often seek to attach labels to relationships, and, in the earlier reported case of Re F, it was made clear that labels can be very important. For the children concerned, what tends to matter most is what the arrangements for their care actually are; but, where the labels become a source of friction between the adults that mean most to them, then the children are inevitably affected. The issue of nomenclature has arisen before, but it was not until the reported case of Re WB (children) (contact) (heard at the High Court last Summer and then again in November 2011, when it was reported as P & L (Minors)) that the issue was properly addressed. Within it Mr Justice Hedley, one of the most influential High Court family judges, established the concept of ‘principal parenting’ and ‘secondary parenting’ to describe the roles played by a lesbian

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIl 2012

couple and a gay couple in the lives of two children conceived through an artificial insemination agreement. This was a case, he said, which was ‘bedevilled with a lack of sufficient vocabulary to explain the true nature of the relationships’. The case provides a stark and poignant warning about what can happen when those relationships are not clearly defined and how wrong these arrangements can go; and Mr Justice Hedley expressed the hope that the case and his approach would stimulate debate.

The FacTs oF The case

It is helpful, when considering what the court decided and the important guidance that it provided , to understand the background against which the court applications were made and pursued – in this case, over a three year period. M (the First Applicant) is P and L’s biological father and A (the Second Applicant in the case) is his longstanding same sex partner. Since birth, the children, P and L have lived with the Respondents, R and S. R is the children’s biological mother. S is her civil partner and has parental responsibility (a legal status enabling her to have input into major decisions about the children’s lives) for P and L by virtue of an agreement made pursuant to that civil partnership. P and then, four years later, L were conceived by artificial insemination with the agreement and co-operation of all four adults.

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wORdS_ Linzi BuLL and Piers Pressdee QC

The children were aged 10 and 6 by the time the case came before Mr Justice Hedley and P was found to have suffered significant harm as a result of the dispute. L, possibly because she is several years younger than P, was comparatively unharmed, although there was a concern that this could change in the future if adult relations did not improve. M and A had historically enjoyed regular contact with both P and L, and the four adults and the two children often spent time together as a family, going away on holiday as a group, spending Christmas together, and even buying an investment property abroad. Unfortunately, relationships between the adults broke down very badly in Spring 2008. It became increasingly difficult for M and A to make arrangements to see P and L as R and S sought to restrict their roles in the children’s lives. Attempts to bring about a mediated solution foundered, and M and A resorted to litigation to try and preserve their role in the lives of the children.

exchanged in 1999. M and A, responding to that advert, indicated that they would ‘love to be father and step-father’ and that prompted a response which included confirmation that the women ‘…would definitely want involvement from the father and the stepfather’. There were many meetings and discussions between the adults before P was conceived. However, no substantive written document, detailing the precise roles which each would play in their upbringing, was ever produced. As set out in the judgment, it became clear that there was a fundamental difference of understanding of the concepts of ‘father’ and ‘step-father’ and this was arguably the catalyst for the breakdown of the adults’ relationships and the contact arrangements for P and L in 2008. Mr Justice Hedley said that he appreciated that the adults were anxious to conceive and prioritised that over formalising the agreements but he urged those considering entering into similar parenting arrangements to take the time to commit roles and responsibilities to paper. He also made it clear that the role of the biological father in this case, and those with a similar factual matrix, should not be seen as akin to a separated parent in heterosexual cases and warns against trying to align with that traditional model. His point was that P and L’s biological parents had never lived together nor had a romantic relationship, nor had M enjoyed daily involvement in P and L’s routine, and this was a significant fact for the court. Mr Justice Hedley commented that he had ‘… tried hard to see whether there are any other concepts than that of mother, father and primary career, all conventional concepts in conventional family cases. The best I have achieved … is to contemplate the principal of primary and secondary parenting … There was a clear agreement that the Respondents would do the principal parenting and that they would provide the two-parent care to these children. [S, the non biological mother] clearly believes that her role in this regard has been brought into question and ... as one of two principal parents [it] needs to be clearly affirmed and respected … The Applicants were acknowledged as having a parenting role, albeit in a secondary capacity. That parenting role was to fulfil at least three purposes. The first was … to give a clear sense of identity to the children. The second was to provide the male component of parenting … Thirdly, there was a more general role of benign involvement which would have, but would certainly not be confined to, an avuncular aspect’. In this judgment, the adults’ roles were clearly and carefully defined and in a way that strove to reflect properly the arrangements of the family in the case and promote each one’s role as a parent. His findings formed the basis for an order for staying contact in favour of the couple in respect of L pending final hearing.

The LiTigaTion

In May 2008, M and A issued applications for parental responsibility (M only) and contact in relation to both of the children. The men sought an order that set out in detail when they would see the children and for how long. Faced with the women’s limited compliance with contact orders made in the interim, the men later issued a residence application (seeking an order that the children live instead with them), but this was struck out by the court for being an obstruction to contact. It is worth noting that both children were conceived before The Human Embryology Act 2008 (HEA) came into force and so M was legally recognised as a ‘parent’ to P and to L and able to issue his applications without the need to first apply to the court for permission. Had the HEA applied and R and S had been in a civil partnership at the time the children were conceived, then S would have been treated as a ‘parent’ and M would not have been the legal father of either P or L.

The ouTcome in JuLy 2011

Twelve different judges had heard a plethora of hearings by the time the case reached Mr Justice Hedley in July 2011. The litigation had by that stage ‘…acquired an unusual degree of intensity and hostility’ and, as the judgment records, the high level of conflict had had an acutely negative impact on P, the elder child. She had, unfortunately, become deeply enmeshed in the adults’ dispute and had withdrawn from contact prior to the hearing. L continued to see M and A relatively regularly, though the contact arrangements were problematic. M and A asserted that they had played and should continue to play a meaningful role in the lives of both children. R and S contended that their role should be limited to that of identity only. The purpose of the hearing was to establish what parental role M and A had played in the children’s lives historically and what role they should both play in the future. M’s application for parental responsibility had been resolved by consent in March 2011 but the other applications were live and listed to be determined finally at the end 2011. There was a detailed examination of the early relationship between M and A and R and S (who met as a result of an advert for a ‘gay man or couple who would like to start a family’ that the women had placed in The Pink Paper), and the language that the parties had used in the limited correspondence they had

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The ouTcome in november 2011

In November 2011, Mr Justice Hedley resolved M and A’s application for contact in relation to both P and L. He ordered that M and A continue to see L one weekend a month with longer periods of contact happening over time. He then ordered that M and A would have only indirect contact (by way of email or telephone calls) with P, although she would be invited to join her sister for contact if she wished (including on the day of M and A’s upcoming civil partnership). P had withdrawn herself from contact and aligned herself with R and S. To force her to have contact would, Mr Justice Hedley said, ‘… do nothing but reinforce the hostility of both P and the women’. His view was that this order would probably be the »

mARCH / APRIl 2012 – ISSUE 04

LEGAL LOWDOWN most likely route to direct contact. Hopefully, this will prove to be the case. Mr Justice Hedley acknowledged that, with this case, he was in ‘new territory’ when trying to define the roles each of the adults played in P and L’s lives. Hence he said that he had ‘tried to develop the concept of principal and secondary parents since … conventional roles provide unreliable models … The only safe course is to resist the almost overwhelming temptation to use established conventional models but rather to recognise that a distinct concept of parenting and parental roles is made necessary by the sort of (by no means unusual) arrangement to parent decided upon in this case.’ He added that ‘… the difficulty is that there are really no restraints on what parties can choose to agree should be their respective roles. At one extreme parties freely agree that the male role will be limited to identity which need not necessarily involve any direct contact at all. At the other, a woman, particularly if single, may seek an arrangement closely aligned to an involved but separated father typical of a traditional arrangement - and, of course, anything in between.’ Whilst recognising that cases of this kind are fact-specific, Mr Justice Hedley gave the following guidance, which whilst limited, is no less important for being so: first to stress the importance of agreeing the future roles of the parties before the first child is born; secondly to warn against the use of stereotypes from traditional family models and in particular to resist the temptation to squeeze a given set of facts to fit such a model; and thirdly, to provide a level of contact whose primary purpose is to reflect the role that either has been agreed or has been discerned from the parties’ conduct. He emphasised that the third point must be immediately qualified by reference to any number of factors peculiar to the case in hand which may have a significant impact upon the nature and quantum of contact which is right for those children in that case, but made clear that ‘in exercising a welfare jurisdiction the court will be bound to give careful consideration and weight’ to any pre-existing agreement reached by the parties’.

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THE FUTURE

The use of vocabulary was considered by the Governmentcommissioned Family Justice Review, which reported in November 2011, but only to a limited extent and not in this context. It will need to be. In the field of family finance, pre-nups are increasingly being entered into. What can readily be foreseen, if the lessons and guidance from this case are to be heeded and the terrible emotional and financial fall-out of such disputes avoided, is the advent of the ‘pre-con’ – parties taking the time before conception, perhaps most sensibly with the benefit of specialist legal advice, to agree and define what roles each will play in a child’s life, and doing so free from the constraints of a language rooted in heterosexual stereotype. It is in that context that the terms ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are plainly no longer enough. Linzi Bull, of Harbottle & Lewis LLP, and Piers Pressdee QC, of 29 Bedford Row Chambers, represented M and A at the hearing in July 2011. Harbottle & Lewis LLP can provide copies of the judgments upon request. www.harbottle.com

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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EXPERT ADVICE

Q&A WITH FINERS STEPHENS INNOCENT

the adoption application and that the child is or has not been married. Furthermore, both you and your partner will need to be over 21, and as a general rule, agencies will usually not place a child with adopters where the age gap is more than 45 years, unless the child has special needs. Agencies may ask that you and your partner attend information and preparation groups before the formal application process begins. The length of your relationship with your partner will be considered – a relationship that has lasted for over two years is generally seen as a good basis for a stable partnership. Other factors adoption agencies take in to account include whether you have recently had fertility treatment, the size of your property, and whether you have just or are just about to move. Your health, both physical and mental, will be considered, as will any criminal convictions that you or your partner have. It stands to reason that prospective adopters cannot have been convicted under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. Should you and your partner be considering adopting sibling groups, special needs children or older children, you may be given a priority. Good luck with your adoption application!

Q. WE WERE TURNED DOWN AS ADOPTION CANDITATES?

We have been turned down as adoption candidates as my partner has a criminal record from years ago when he was very young. If we appeal the decision would it be wise to involve a lawyer?

Firstly, you should determine whether the type of criminal record your partner has will affect the application, and this may be best done with the assistance of a lawyer. Generally, a criminal record will not automatically exclude your partner from applying, unless the offence was sufficiently serious or was against a child under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, however, the adoption agency will consider carefully the type of criminal record your partner has and the likelihood of past offences being repeated. I would also suggest that you discuss with the adoption agency what the policy is in relation to the particular criminal offence your partner was found guilty of. After investigation, either by yourself or with the help of a lawyer, If you are confident that your partner’s criminal record should not preclude you from appealing, you may not need to continue to retain a lawyer to assist, but it is generally the case that impartial legal advice in relation to your application and the direction you take is helpful. If the application is turned down, you should be allowed a twenty eight day period in which to decide whether you wish to appeal the decision through the agency’s own appeal process, or using the Independent Review Mechanism (IRM). Do make sure that you take action within these time limits. The IRM is not a court or tribunal, but they will consider the decision that was made by the adoption agency, and will then make a recommendation which must be taken into consideration by the agency you used and that refused your application. By the way, the cost of this is borne by the agency you used.

Q. PLANNING ADOPTION – WHAT’S FIRST?

My partner and I are planning to adopt our first child. What should be our number one priority to make sure the process run as smoothly as possible?

The priority of the Courts and any adoption agency will be a child’s welfare and their needs. You and your partner will therefore want to show that you can provide a loving, caring home for the child you would like to adopt. Courts, and adoption agencies, will consider a welfare “checklist” of factors when decided what is in the best interests of the child. This checklist includes the child’s wishes and feelings (with reference to their age and understanding, their needs, what the likely effect is upon the child of being adopted, their sex, and their background and particular characteristics. It also takes in to account any harm the child has suffered or is likely to suffer, as well as the child’s religious and racial background. It would be very advisable for you and your partner to consider these factors, and to demonstrate against each how you can provide a stable home for a newly adopted child. A successful adoption order will give parental responsibility to you and to your partner, a very important legal concept, and the child you adopt will then be seen as if he or she had been born to you both. Unmarried couples, married couples, gay and lesbian couples and individuals are all eligible to adopt a child, and there are no set timescales as to the length of time adopting should take. There has been much in the press recently about how long the process takes, as there is concern that children are in fact suffering harm by virtue of the length of time it can take. The adoption agency will have to be satisfied that the child you adopt was under eighteen at the time of

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Finers Stephens Innocent is a Central London based law firm offering legal advice in all areas of family law and relationships for more information please visit - www.fsilaw.com

MARCH / APRIL 2012 – ISSUE 04

EXPERT VIEWS Dr. Gad Lavy, internationally acclaimed reproductive physician and founder of New England Fertility is recognised for building families through gestational surrogacy and egg donation. Here he answers readers questions.

ASK A QUESTION AT PINK-

PARENTING.com

oday more than ever, gay couples are achieving their dream of starting a family through assisted reproductive treatments. Gay male couples looking to have children require the services of an egg donor who provides the eggs as well as a gestational carrier (surrogate) who can carry the pregnancy. For lesbian couples two fertility options are available: artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization using donor sperm.

the recommended guidelines from the FDA are to quarantine the sperm for six months and have the donor tested for certain viral diseases.

Q. With so much information out there, how do I know how to find the right surrogate for our child? Firstly, you will need to find a surrogacy agency that specialises in finding women who are willing to serve as surrogates. Make sure the agency you choose screens their surrogates including both medically and psychologically and perform a back ground check. Many agencies have a database of surrogates you can review. There are two types of surrogacy available: Gestational Surrogacy where the intended parents are genetically linked to the baby. Traditional surrogacy is where the surrogate uses her own egg and is artificially inseminated with the intended father’s sperm or a sperm donor. Most cases of surrogacy today involve gestational surrogacy for

Q. We are a lesbian trying for a kid at home, but can’t get pregnant – can you help? For same sex couples artificial insemination is primarily utilised. Therefore it is especially important to work with a reproductive physician so the entire process is done in legal and clinically safe environment. If you are planning to inseminate from home, an ovulation predictor kit is recommended in order to identify the most fertile times. For same sex couples who want to use fresh sperm

ISSUE 04 – MARCH / APRIL 2012

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CHOOSING A DONOR IS A VERY PERSONAL JOURNEY. YOU NEED TO IDENTIFY WHAT CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU AS THE INTENDED PARENTS. legal purposes. In the US, for example, surrogates for gay couples are chosen from “surrogate friendly” states that allow the intended parents to be on the birth certificate, thus avoiding the need for an adoption.

Q. What do I need to consider when looking for an egg donor? Before you begin your egg donor selection it is important to meet with your physician and the egg donor team who will guide you through the process of selecting an egg donor. Egg Donors are either anonymous or known donors. Most clinics today work with anonymous donors, where the name and personal identifying information is not disclosed... Choosing a donor is a very personal journey. You need to identify what characteristics and traits are important to you as the intended parents. All egg donors are required to complete an extensive profile which will provide you with detail information about their personality, including hobbies, education, family history and photos. When looking for a donor may want to consider the following:

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Age -Typically you will see the cut off for egg donors around 31 years of age. General health history Physical characteristics Education Religious background Ethnicity Occupation How do you coordinate between the UK clinic and US based clinic? The majority of the process can be accomplished remotely with the evaluation and sperm collection and testing performed in the patient’s native country and the sperm sample shipped to the US clinic for storage and later use. Despite the fact that couples do not need to be present in the US for any part of the procedure, it is encouraged that couples meet the gestational surrogate, be present for the embryo transfer and attend the birth of the baby.

Q. Can both my partner and I have our sperm used? For those couples who want both intended male parents to have a biological connections it is possible as some clinics to combine the sperm of each partner with the donor eggs. This would result in twins each from the same egg donor but genetically different fathers. A DNA test would need to be performed to determine which child is biologically related to the donor father.

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AND FINALLY...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETER TATCHELL

eter Tatchell, life-long gay rights activist and humanitarian, has just celebrated his 60th birthday, and is showing no signs of slowing down. Outspoken in his views, Peter has endured many arrests, physical violence and verbal assaults refusing to never back down for what he believes is fair. Starting out as a prominent member of the Gay Liberation Front in the 70s, Peter made notoriety in London for organising sit-ins at pubs that refused to serve “poofs” and also protested against police harassment and the medical classification of homosexuality as an illness. With others Peter also organised the first Gay Pride march in Britain, in London in 1972. In 1999 Peter and three other members of the gay rights group OutRage! attempted a citizen’s arrest of President Robert Mugabe, accusing his regime of condoning “murder, torture, detention without trial, and the abuse of gay human rights”. Unpaid, tireless and never stopping...Peter has probably done more for gay and human rights than anyone in Britain over the last 20 years! Happy Belated 60th Peter from Team PP!!

Neither this publication nor its contents constitute an explicit endorsement by G&J Media of the products or services mentioned in advertising or editorial content. The editorial content in this publication does not necessarily represent policies or recommendations of G&J Media. This publication is not intended to be exhaustive. While every effort has been made to ensure accuracy, G&J Media shall not have any liability for errors or omissions. Readers who have questions should consult their healthcare providers or other competent sources of information and guidance. © 2011 All copyright G&J Media unless otherwise stated. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission is strictly prohibited.

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