Issue 18 by Jack Swan

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I’ve always been a little bit of a pessimist when it comes to football and also the Swans. Pessimism is a brilliant choice for any football fan because you can either be right or you can win. When optimists are right and we win then their happy because we won but so are the pessimists. But when we lose at least us pessimists get to say ‘I told you so’ to those foolish optimists.

I personally still feel that we are short of another real quality wide-man and it is obvious that we are after a back-up striker to Bony. Potentially Pozuelo or even JDG could be an option as a wide-man and Lamma looked decent in pre-season, all be it against a side that seemed to be lacking a right-back.

I have to say though, I’m struggling to hide my optimism this year and while enjoying our first glimpse of the Swans in a ‘real’ game this season it was hard not to get too carried away. (assuming that we haven’t lost 8-0 to Malmo in the return leg while this magazine is at the printerscan’t completely take the pessimism away yet)

I don’t believe that there has ever been a season with more optimism in these parts, there will be fewer ‘I told you so’ to any losses than ever before. We ran an article towards the end of last season looking at whether it was ever possible for Swansea to win the premiership – now I’m not saying that we are there yet, but I don’t believe that there are more than a handful of sides better than us, and who knows?

Summers are always hard work but it is very fair to say that the second part of the close season was far more relaxing and enjoyable than the first few weeks. We’ve spent money like never before - loads of it, but I have a feeling that come the end of the season it is the bargain of Pozuelo who we’ll all be talking about. The season has quite a strange feel to it; I dare say that I’m not really concerned about relegation or the prospect of a load of matches. I actually feel that we are well equipped to challenge in all four competitions which we are in – crazy? I struggle to find many sides with a better squad or starting eleven than us. I think we will be hard to beat, hard to score against and will offer a lot going forward and will score in most games. Many are talking about our midfield and that we maybe have too many players there but the balance and the different types of players are outstanding.

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Bookies have certainly underrated us, with very appealing odds for finishing in the top ten or the top eight. But as we are all reformed optimists now, anyone for an each way bet for the title?

C��r� Ja�� Sw�� ja��-�w��@�� .c�.�� 079740��529 We at Jack Swan are delighted to announce that our new website will be launched from the main port of call for all Swans fans online. We have all been glued to Planet Swans over the summer knowing that any potential signing will be looked at and scrutinised by other true Jacks. If you haven’t joined the Planet Swans forum yet then I have no idea how you have managed to get through the close season. It is a great site, with a great new look and now you can see our new and old Jack Swan issues there to.

��K�S �Y �P��SE - ��PER ��GE I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket. And now I own a shopping trolley

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After having my prostate examination the nurse walked into the room and said the 5 words I didn't want to hear. "Who the hell was he A thief broke into my house searching last night for money. So I woke up and searched with him. 'I went for a hearing test and the doctor asked me to explain the symptoms. I said Homer is a fat yellow bloke and his wife Marge has blue hair !!! Right: Grant Holt gets his shopping done LEFT: Go easy on the heading practice Laudrup

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After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting Pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that theFirst try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

He drives them out to the woods, does the deed with each The man doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but sheep twice for good Measure, brings them back, and goes not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how to bed exhausted. he will know when the Sheep are pregnant. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up instead Will lie down and wallow in grass when they are again, does pregnant. his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the Conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and impregnate the sheep himself. tell him if the sheep are Lying in the grass. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into The woods, does the deed, brings them back, and goes No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn." to bed.

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Jose Canas: The first recruit confirmed and one which we all expected and if he turns out to be as confident in the middle of the park as he is around his new team mates then we seem to have picked up another gem. At 26 years old, the Spaniard is approaching the prime of his career and although labeled a deep lying midfielder, he has the ability to pick out a killer forward pass as shown against Exeter when releasing Nathan Dyer. Promoted full-time from Betis C to Betis B in 2007, Canas went one step further in 2009 and went on to make 66 appearances for the Betis with no extra letters.

line. He generally plays in the advanced midfield role although may get a few games out wide. A steel at 400 odd grand all thanks to some bizarre contractual dispute which also cut his game time last year. Will he play? His pre-season has certainly done his playing chances no harm, neither did his goal v Malmo. I imagine he will be Michu’s understudy; his game time will probably depend on what Laudrup thinks De- Guzmans role is. He may find himself as the direct replacement for Michu but could find JDG, Ki and Shelvey in his way depending on how we set up. Potentially the surprise player for the season, the next Michu? Signing of the season?

Will he play? Your guess is as good as mine. The Centre midfield looks frightfully strong. He seems to have the character that we have missed in the middle of the park in recent years. I Kenji Gorré expect it to be between him and Leon to play the deep lying Don’t beat yourself up if you missed this one. Yet to get his midfield role and both to get plenty of games. own wikepdia page which meant I had to do some actual research. The ex-Man United trainee has a Dutch Under 16 Alejandro Pozuelo cap to his name and was chased by Chelsea a few years back which would of then been a cash transfer. Signed on a Another Betis player although no C games here. Pozuelo free, battered them in for the Betis B team, scoring 16 in 42 games before being promoted to Betis (with no extra Will he play? letters) and scoring 3 times in 29 games. Another Spaniard No. Hopefully he will shine in the under 21s, maybe get a (or course) but at only 21 he seems to be one for the future. bit of loan experience towards the end of the season but I He has looked outstanding at times in pre-season, getting can’t see him getting many minutes in our ‘second’-first on the score sheet and linking up very well with our forward team.

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Jonjo Shelvey Hands up if you saw this one coming? Supposedly offered this time last year in a make-weight deal for Joey Allen and now we have supposedly signed him and waived the £5 million that Liverpool still owed on that deal…. Supposedly…. I would be lying if I jumped up and down with excitement when his name was reportedly linked with us, he had become one of the Scousers who we enjoyed mocking alongside Downing and Carroll. Since then though, he has looked outstanding in pre-season and the whole deal seems to make a lot more sense. Playing in his preferred deeper midfield position allows him to throw himself about a bit and pick out a longer pass. He may well be that extra steal which we need. If I call him a deep lying goal scoring, battling, 21 year old England international who we signed for £5 million then I’m sure that you would tell me he’s a bargain.

20,500 Liberty crowd. It is ridiculous, football is ridiculou but that is how it is and as ridiculous as the price is and absurd and frustrating as it is to see these ridiculous amounts of money in football, that is how it is and the game is now about whether our £12 million pound man as good as the next one…. And my god he looks it. 31 g in 30 games is outstanding at any professional level, pic up the player of the year title for the Dutch league also stands out. He looks frightfully strong, good in the air, 2 good feet and a shot which Monk calls the hardest he h seen. A couple of goals on his debut will go along way t gaining popularity but his ability to hold the ball up and battle with centre half’s is something which will gain him real acclaim from the fans.

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A 17 year old Slovenian goal keeper who played 13 gam last season for a side who finished 3rd in the Slovenian t flight.

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20,500 Liberty crowd. It is ridiculous, football is ridiculous but that is how it is and as ridiculous as the price is and as absurd and frustrating as it is to see these ridiculous amounts of money in football, that is how it is and the game is now about whether our £12 million pound man is as good as the next one…. And my god he looks it. 31 goals in 30 games is outstanding at any professional level, picking up the player of the year title for the Dutch league also stands out. He looks frightfully strong, good in the air, 2 good feet and a shot which Monk calls the hardest he has seen. A couple of goals on his debut will go along way to gaining popularity but his ability to hold the ball up and battle with centre half’s is something which will gain him real acclaim from the fans.

Will he play? I imagine so yes. For me he has jumped ahead of JDG and Ki for that position alongside Leon or Canas. I initially thought we had signed him as an advanced midfielder as that was where he played for Brenda but he prefers, and looks a lot better further back. I expect he will be a really big player for us even if he will never play for England again now he’s here. Bony £12 million pound? £50 for every man, woman and child living in the county of Swansea, £585 forGsevery one of a Roofing qtr portrait.ai

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Will he play? Of course he will. Hopefully we can bring in another option so he’s not needed every minute of every game though. Gregor Zabret A 17 year old Slovenian goal keeper who played 13 games last season for a side who finished 3rd in the Slovenian top flight. Will he play? Not unless we are desperate. We’d clearly need both Vorm and Tremmel to be injured for him to get a chance and even then you would expect us to bring Cornell back from loan. At 17 clearly one for the future and for our under 21s.

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Jordi Amat: Any 21 year old Spanish centre half to of played at international level at all ages with the exception of the senior team must be exciting. He played 27 times for a side that finished 8th in La Liga last season, scoring a half way line screamer along the way. Spanish Centre backs always give me the jitters though, especially young ones. Don’t be surprised if it takes him a few howlers to get into the pace of British football but Chico showed last season how easy it can be to move from La Liga to La Swans. Seemed a bit eager at times to win the ball against Malmo, a bit more patience may be helpful but then its also nice to see a centre back go through a player and take the ball. Will he Play? Almost certainly going to be behind Chico and Ash as our first choice partnership but he should get a good run with the prospect of a shed full of games. I assume he will play alongside Gary Monk as our second string pairing for cup games etc.. and Monk has proved to be a great mentor as he was to Williams. He’ll get enough games, hopefully not too many as this would probably mean an injury to Chico or Ash. Jonathan De Guzman Another season on loan seems to of kept all three parties happy. He scored a lot of important goals for us last year and was one of our best players up until the last few months of the season. Hopefully he can recapture the kind of form which was making all of us hope to sign him up permanently. Will he play? I think he will struggle to be honest. Our midfield is so incredibly strong this season and with himself, Leon, Canas, Shelvey, Michu, Ki and Pozuela all fighting for three central positions, I can see JDG actually playing the least of the seven of them. I could be totally wrong, many see Ki as the one to really miss out but I don’t think seven goes into three too well unless we get a horrific injury. Jernade Meade At 5 foot 3, the former Arsenal youngster looks up to both Nathan Dyer and Leon Britton. Many an eyebrow was raised when news broke that we had signed a 20 year old left back, being as blessed as we are in that position. It does seem though that Jernade has signed more as a winger or certainly as a versatile player. Will he play? I hope not. I mean that in the nicest possible way. I hope that we have too much quality in our full backs so that only injury would give him any games there and I think in reality that the only way he will play on the wing was if we either had a disastrous run of injuries or an appalling run of form. One for the future I hope.

We asked people on Facebook the following:Which of our new signings are you most excited about? Luke Scfc Harris Shelvey, play maker and also has a cracking shot, im sure he has alot to show us, hes just the right person we need in our Swansea midfield! Alan Godrich All of them Ian Wishart Bony. Because Michu has never really had a back up strikers with so much quality as Wilfred bony. Onwards n upwards. Simon Meyrick All of them. But I think Pozuelo looks like he could turn out to be the steal of the season at that price! Need to get him in the side! Dominic Scfc Evans Jonjo Shelvey for me, real talent reminds me of Ferrie Bodde, picks out the wingers with long balls but I'm really impressed with them all Gerald Roger Jenkins I've never been this confident and relaxed going into the start of a season. We have a balance and depth to our squad that could scare the bejesus out of the Premier & Europa! Stuart Mayes Pouzelo and shelves and bony Malcolm Edwards caulker ,he cant be no good if spurs sold him ,considering they havent got a centre half Gareth 'double L' Llewellyn Jojo Malcolm Rees Bony for me looks solid, and shelvey Tom Wilson Pozuelo! Matthew Vincent jojo and boni, all good signings. shelvey looked awesome againt malmo like having ferrie bodde in centre midfield lol Anybody else not understand what was funny about what Matthew Vincent said? Did it really require an ‘lol’? Did anyone read that and laugh out loud? or perhps he is confused as David Cameron was and he is sending us ‘lots of ’love’? Either way - Stop being an idiot What do you think about blue? When we started the mag we were very clear that dark blue was no option. No option for our features and highly un-recommended for advertisers. But now that our friends down the M4 have sold their souls, is it now a better colour to use than red? A bizarre and completely boring question I know but the sort of thing which I entertain my brain with.

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Sw�n�e� Ci��: A f��b��n� �v��u�i�� With the continued arrivals of high-calibre signings, how far have we come in the last few years? By TheSwanseaWay

This summer has easily been our most proactive when it comes to transfers in a long time, but as has been pointed out in the media this week it wasn't so long ago that we went five whole years without spending money on a player - and when we did it was £35,000 for Paul Connor. A little less auspicious than some of the signings over the last month, but I thought a really good way of assessing how rapidly the squad has improved would be looking at a "Best XI" for the Swans over the last few seasons.

2008/2009

You'll have to ignore the "season 2012/13" which appears in the top left of these graphics, it's simply part of the EPLIndex tactics board dooda and I haven't got it in me to photoshop any of them. 2007/2008 I It's worth noting that while these teams are supposed to represent a "Best XI" for each respective season, the amount of games played by any one player also factors into their inclusion. That being said, Dyer made the team after arriving on loan from Southampton in January (and going on to endear himself to fans by scoring the opener against Cardiff in April - a header no less). Joe Allen and Ferrie Bodde both impressed too, but the former didn't feature as heavily as the players included while the latter suffered the first in a series of serious knee ligament injuries - a real shame given how well he'd started the season. He'd picked up 7 goals from 17 starts in the league, but sadly this would be the last season he'd play any football of note, to date anyway. It seems unlikely now As you can see Garry Monk, Leon Britton and Angel Rangel that Bodde will ever be able to recover sufficiently to play all remain, whilst Alan Tate could easily have been included professional football - all the best Ferrie, you're rememat left-back. Other honourable mentions should go to "Big" bered fondly in Swansea. Kevin Austin, Tom Butler, Guillem Bauza and Warren Feeney, who scored a couple of goals while on loan. The JOKE IN A BOX League One-winning side had a good sense of balance What's the difference between PMT and BSE? about it, exemplified by the three midfielders; all One's mad cow disease and the other is an completely different types of player but when combined agricultural problem. they formed an efficient midfield unit. CALL NOW 01639 761318 Professional Home Improvement Services 07986 521996

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2009/2010

Ah. The season of Sousa. As you can probably decipher from the team, we weren't the most free-flowing attacking unit under the Portuguese, but certain signatures were secured (Ashley Williams & Nathan Dyer) on a permanent basis, while Cedric Van Der Gun was brought in to offer a threat out wide. He never really did to be honest, and I'd managed to completely forget about the man (slightly ironically) nicknamed "The Gun". Luke Moore & Shefki Kuqi both made an impact arguably as great as Pintado's, but Gorka deserves the centre-forward spot as no-one worked harder for the cause than him that year, despite taking flak off the fans for a lack of goals. When Leicester came knocking for the services of Sousa, it must have been all Huw could do to not break into a big grin, and mutter something similar to "Take him!".

2010/11

Under Rodgers (as Garry Monk's autobiography testifies the Swans shackles were released, and a number of signings were made which would rejuvinate the Swanse team. Leon had departed for Sheffield United after falling out with Sousa (but returned after an ill-fated spell at Sheffield United), but the main plus points of this season would have to be Joe Allen, Scott Sinclair and Neil Taylor All three announced themselves as serious players, with Sinclair in particular drawing praise from all quarters for goalscoring exploits.

Some fans may be surprised I didn't include Fabio Borini but despite his impressive showings after joining on loan Dobbie played well throughout the season, despite not always seeming to be in favour with the manager. He's since shown his quality with numerous play-off final appearances, and seems set to get another crack at the P this year - good luck to him, as (famous playoff goal asid his time in SA1 never seemed to kick into top gear.

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2009/2010

2010/11

Under Rodgers (as Garry Monk's autobiography testifies to) the Swans shackles were released, and a number of signings were made which would rejuvinate the Swansea team. Leon had departed for Sheffield United after falling out with Sousa (but returned after an ill-fated spell at Sheffield United), but the main plus points of this season would have to be Joe Allen, Scott Sinclair and Neil Taylor. All three announced themselves as serious players, with Sinclair in particular drawing praise from all quarters for his goalscoring exploits.

When Leicester came knocking for the services of Sousa, it must have been all Huw could do to not break into a big grin, and mutter something similar to "Take him!".

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Some fans may be surprised I didn't include Fabio Borini, but despite his impressive showings after joining on loan Dobbie played well throughout the season, despite not always seeming to be in favour with the manager. He's since shown his quality with numerous play-off final appearances, and seems set to get another crack at the PL this year - good luck to him, as (famous playoff goal aside) his time in SA1 never seemed to kick into top gear.

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2011/12

Following Swansea's promotion to the Prmemiership, the Swans maintained as much of their squad as they could, but wasted no time in bringing in Championship top scorer Danny Graham from Watford for a club record £3.5million pounds. It proved an astute bit of business as he went on to finish the club's top scorer, as well as one of the PL's top scoring Englishmen. Caulker joined on loan from Spurs and proved himself to be an outstanding acquisition, while Gylfi "The Gylf" Sigurdsson provided the goal threat from midfield we'd been lacking in previous years. Sadly a transfer which was reputedly already arranged was scuppered by Spurs offering the lad more money. Such is life... 2012/13

Bienvenido, Senor Laudrup! A look at the team quickly tells you there was a lot of change inbetween seasons, and when the season kicked off no-one could have predicted just how the new signings would pan out. As it happened, nearly all of new faces turned into spectacular successes, with Michu (obviously), Chico, Ki & De Guzman all settling in quickly, and Pablo Hernandez showing signs of his class. Wayne Routledge, too, looks to be kicking on and for me he was the standout winger in the team last year.

2013/14?

I thought I'd throw this in (from a blog I did the other day) just to show the strength in depth we've managed to achieve in just a short few years. Compare this squad with one from three years ago, and you have to applaud how we've managed to acquire quality players without, up to this point, breaking the bank. We are about to announce the signature of Wilfried Bony for about £12million, however this is obviously the biggest amount we've shelled out and the rest of the team has been assembled relatively inexpensively. Hopefully all of the new signings will hit the ground running, and this time next year we'll be reflecting on this summer's transfer activity much like we are currently reflecting on last season's. Exciting times! This article was taken from the Swansea Way – We did ask first, we didn’t just steel it. It is a great Swansea City website with seemingly daily updates. I fully recommend it, Check it out :)

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Pl�� Q��e� �r�� (�p��) ‘I want to play in the Premiership, every player wants to play in the premiership but I don’t want to have one season in the premiership where we are battered every week and then relegated. I wouldn’t even see the ball out on the wing playing for them, if they ever do get their foot on the ball, they will just lump it forward to a big striker and hope for the best. Plus their fans are idiots and the city is rat infested.’ Tom Ince on why he turned down Cardiff ‘I want to be loved, just like Jose. I want to be loved the most. I also want £200,000 a week. I want to take all the penalties, even if I miss all of them. I want to take all the free-kicks, any corners, throw ins or goal kicks that I fancy and I want to be captain. I also want the address of all other players’ grandmothers’ houses. I want to be able to choose who comes in and out of the club and who plays each week. I’m not after much but for some reason the club are being unreasonable’ Wayne Rooney on why he handed in a transfer request ‘The difference between Wolverhampton and Nottingham Forest is that, Oh who am I kidding? I screwed up, I admit it, I had it all and threw it away by leaving Swansea. Each day since has just got worse, I organised a club reunion over the summer but only Darren Pratley turned up, my god he looks worse than I feel. I’m OK some days, yesterday I managed to wait until 10am before opening my first can of special brew’ Dorus De Vries on his Forest move ‘I learned a lot up there. It is far better to roll a ten pound note with the Queen’s head facing in rather than out for example. Of course it would have been nice to score a goal but the move wasn’t all about football. I managed to see my kid three times when there and one time they were in the garden so I could hear them as well. I think the move to Hull will make it easier to keep to the curfew and maybe I could learn some new techniques to break the line in Hull’ Danny Graham on his time in Sunderland ‘I have been monitoring him for years, I have always been a huge fan of his. To say that I simply read the newspaper and look at who Swansea are after and try to sign him first is miles from the truth. It is true that I still get the Evening Post and Western Mail delivered to my club office but I like to read the lonely heart columns, there are a few there who have always interested me but it was a bit close to home when I lived down there. We are looking to bring in a few new players, Di Santo looks a good player, and Gomis at Lyon, we aren’t finished in the transfer window yet’ Brendan on Aspas and his transfer dealings

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Swansea Dockers CLUB ‘Their chairman said I had signed for them and I had no idea who he was. I’d never heard of the managers name either and only knew the football club because their fans are a bunch of hooligans and Joe Ledley talks about the place a lot. Ratty (as Ledley is known) is the only member of the squad who looks at Glasgow as a cultured city; to him the scummy estates of Glasgow seem like Venice. There was a better chance of me signing for Kabul FC, Bagdad United would be more appealing. I’m already contemplating failing injury for the away trip there – if they’re not thrown out of the league for crowd trouble by then.’

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‘Once they pulled out, I had no interest in coming to the Premiership. Tottenham made an enquiry and offered good money but I saw no excitement in going there and playing alongside the likes of Bale and Defoe when I thought that I would be going to play alongside world class players like Michu, Hernandez and Leon Britton’

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‘Their chairman said I had signed for them and I had no idea who he was. I’d never heard of the managers name either and only knew the football club because their fans are a bunch of hooligans and Joe Ledley talks about the place a lot. Ratty (as Ledley is known) is the only member of the squad who looks at Glasgow as a cultured city; to him the scummy estates of Glasgow seem like Venice. There was a better chance of me signing for Kabul FC, Bagdad United would be more appealing. I’m already contemplating failing injury for the away trip there – if they’re not thrown out of the league for crowd trouble by then.’

Above - Splott - Cardif

Victor Wanyama on a potential move to Cardiff ‘Once they pulled out, I had no interest in coming to the Premiership. Tottenham made an enquiry and offered good money but I saw no excitement in going there and playing alongside the likes of Bale and Defoe when I thought that I would be going to play alongside world class players like Michu, Hernandez and Leon Britton’ David Villa on why he chose not to move to Spurs ‘I’m not going anywhere mate’

Above Gareth Bale Below: Future World Player of the year

A genuine quote from Alan Tate (honestly Darran - Planet Swans) ‘It has been my dream to play for them for a while, the style they play is the best in the league. Their going forward all the time. They’re going to be a huge club but they didn’t want me and so I thought that if I sign for these guys then there won’t be far to travel for my dream move, I’ll play for Swansea again one day. The medical was strange, they asked me to kick the ball as far as I could and that was it.’ Steven Caulker on his move to Cardiff

Please Note: Some of these quotes didn’t happen

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J��e� �� S��n�� THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER The Cardiff manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Cardiff are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Cardiff. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the premiership. \'Hello mum, guess what?\' he says \'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.\' \'Just wonderful,\' says his mum, \'Let me tell you about my day … Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!\' The young lad is very upset. \'What can I say mum, but I\'m really sorry.\' \'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!\' says his mum, \'It\'s your bloody fault we came to Cardiff in the first place!\' "What do we want?" "Hearing aids" "When do we want them?" " Hearing aids" False dichotomies. You either love them or you hate them Man falling to earth meets a man going upwards. "Do you know anything about Parachutes?" "No, do you know anything about gas cookers"

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Two Cardiff fans hear that there is a Deaf Allowance, so they go to the doctor to try and claim it. The first guy goes in and says, "I'm here to get tested for the deaf allowance" The doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you" So the guy closes the door and the doctor says, "you've failed." "What do you mean I've failed?" "Well I told you to close the door and you did, so you heard me alright. You've failed" The guy goes out and says to his pal, "look, whatever the doctor asks you to do, don't do it" His pal goes in and says, "I'm here for the Deaf Allowance" and the doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you" The guy replies, "no...close the f'in door yourself!"

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Thaďż˝ Cďż˝ďż˝lďż˝ Hďż˝ďż˝ďż˝ Rďż˝ďż˝ďż˝eďż˝ Lasďż˝ Seasďż˝ďż˝ Fďż˝ďż˝ Uďż˝ Last season was the greatest in our history, after almost ceasing to be a football club it had taken just 10 years to lift our first major trophy. There were however a few things that in an alternate dimension, may well have put the kibosh on the whole thing! 3- League Cup Punch-Up The swans are striding towards picking up their first trophy, unless you count the FAW Cup â&#x20AC;&#x201C; which nobody does. Already 3-0 up, in the 59th minute De Guzman is brought down and the Swan get the penalty, but all of a sudden â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Trouble. Nathan Dyer is adamant he wants the penalty but De Guzman is refusing to give up the ball, he got taken down, he should take it. Dyer in a fit of rage gives him a slap not realizing to a man raised in north America (the continent) this is tantamount to war. The two hit the deck punches flying, Michu tries to get involved to break them up but is dragged in to the fray. All three players are sent off, and Bradford use this to their advantage, winning eventually and ironically on penalties. The Swans despite the three suspensions actually do a little bit better in the league and eventually finish 8th on account of them not switching off and thinking about their on holidays. The fans however are still waiting for that trophy. 2- Ashley Williams Goes Down It was just a routine fixture with Manchester United but little did we know that for Swansea and their captain, Everything was about to change. During the match Swansea Captain Ashley Williams takes the absolutely unwarranted and unexpected decision to kick a football, that was when his life changed. Robin Van Persie â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Manchester Unitedâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good player, was on the ground probably feeling sleepy after the half-time spliff that I assume is a ritual for the Dutch. He gets hit â&#x20AC;&#x201C; ON THE HEAD. This sort of thing never happens in football and United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is outraged at what he feels was an act of attempted murder. Using his connections as a knight of the realm he gets Williams charged and the trial is moved from Manchester to Japan to make sure there are some United fans in the jury. Ferguson pays out of his own pocket to get them shipped over. Williams goes down, without their de-facto Captain and defensive stalwart the swans struggle, they finish 15th in the league and fail in their bid for the league cup. 1- Brian Brendan is gone, and the board are looking for someone to take over, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve found the perfect guy and he wants the job, but thanks to a clerical cock-up they end up with his brother instead. Brian Laudrup is installed as the new Swansea manager at the start of the season, he wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t as good a footballer as his brother but heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still respected, unfortunately all his most recent experience is as a pundit in Denmark. His methods are useless, the players are made to analyse every game in great detail but they never get around to any training. They lose every game, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re more of a laughing stock than Derby and to make matters worse Cardiff have been promoted. Totally shamed, Brian and every single member of the playing staff retire from professional football, before going on to quite successful careers as pundits in minor European nations. Geraint Evans is a writer, a comedian and thoroughly convinced that in another univers heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;on the telly and everything.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; His websites at â&#x20AC;&#x201C; www.geraintdafyddevans.com

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Nadine Snobalotalot recently opened a flower nursery in Sketty. Jack Swan met up with Nadine to see if she wanted an advert in Jack Swan magazine Hi Nadine, I’m just wondering whether you know Jack Swan magazine and whether you may be interested in an advert in the magazine? I’ve seen the magazine about but it’s not for me thanks. I don’t think my customers would read it and it really wouldn’t work for me. No problems, do you like the magazine? Umm, It is OK yeah. The jokes are a bit close to the bone at times. Do you mind me asking why you think your customers wouldn’t read it? We tend to attract up-market people, ones with a lot of spare money to spend and I don’t think your readers are those people. If I was selling cannabis or low priced alcohol then you would be my first port of call but let’s be honest, football fans aren’t really interested in having a nice garden. The average football fan thinks that foxgloves are to prevent foxes from leaving finger prints when screwing chickens. I’m not sure if all our readers have more Cannabis plants than Tomato plants growing in their greenhouses but thanks for your time anyway Greenhouses? I doubt your readers have a house yet alone a greenhouse. Their Cannabis plants will be growing in the living room among their 32 children by 18 different mothers. I suppose you get loads of grants supporting the illiterate although seeing some of your spelling, you are barely literate yourself. I don’t mean to be rude but the magazine really isn’t for the kind of clientele who come here. We don’t get any grants sadly, good idea though, we’ll try that. Are they the new issue you have there? Yeah, I’m just dropping them off now Do you mind if I have one, my husband really likes it? Depends. Where does he grow his pot?

Breaking News Some football fans can read

There has never been more interest in Swansea City Football Club There has never been a free magazine based on Swansea City Football Club with the distribution network of Jack Swan magazine Jack Swan magazine targets the local area around Swansea Jack Swan magazine has incredibly competitive rates on advertising, with an 1/8 page being £200 for the year and a full page just £950 for the year If you are looking for local custom in an around Swansea: Don’t be a Nadine Snobalotalot!! contact 07974 055529

R��e� f�� A��i��n� �� Ja�� Sw�� 1)

Jack Swan will refuse to deal with anybody who has (or claims to have) a car worth more than any house

Jack Swan will refuse to speak with anyone wearing a tie. They serve no purpose other than to make you feel more important. Please take it off.

Jack Swan has only so much time to talk to you about your children, unless your child happens to be interesting which I very much doubt.

Jack Swan will not participate in any conversation about football with anyone who knows nothing about football. I don’t pretend to have a deep knowledge of cars to a mechanic.

5) Jack swan knows nothing about cars; please don’t bore him with details. Prince Harry has been given the task of naming the new baby he said if the baby is a girl she will be called Denise, and 6) Jack Swan switches off the very moment you start bragging up your bank balance. An implication that you are wealthier than you actually are is incredibly sad and boring and puts you in a very difficult position when you then start haggling. 7)

Jack Swan would rather you answered your phone call during any meetings rather than hear it ring with your ridiculously dodgy ringtone.

Jack Swan doesn’t do ‘meetings’, it’s more of a ‘chat’

‘Chats’ are best enjoyed in pubs.

10)

Jack Swan only carries enough money for his own drink.

11)

Jack Swan isn’t too bothered if your late for a pub ‘chat’

12)

If you happen to be the landlord or landlady at the pub where we are having a ‘chat’ it is definitely your round

13)

Jack Swan will sometimes remember a tiny bit of some of the things which we discussed, he will need regular prompting through emails and phone calls should you expect him to actually do anything.

14)

Jack Swan gets round to checking his emails about once a month.

15)

Jack Swan doesn’t really like phone calls and there is never really a good time to call him.

16) Jack Swan will regularly promise to put things in the post to you whether it is an invoices or a magazine. He will never get around to this, should he actually have an envelope at hand, have a stamp and the item which he hopes to send (which has never happened before) the prospect of the royal mail understanding his handwriting is not good. 17)

Jack Swan will blame the Royal Mail for you not receiving anything which he hasn’t got around to sending.

18) Jack Swan will regularly promise to send emails to you whether it is an invoices or an online magazine. He will never get around to this, should he actually remember it while in a room where he is able to get onto a computer which has an internet connection (which has never happened before) the prospect of him understanding the email address which he wrote down is definitely not good. Plus his server is often down. 19)

Jack Swan will blame his server for you not receiving anything which he hasn’t got around to sending.

20)

Jack Swan works to a strict deadline and expects every advertiser of his to be available to confirm their advert on the one day he actually works each month

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2) TOWN TYRES

About a decade ago Soccer AM came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar challenge. When Roger Freestone took his go, he completely over kicked it and knocked over a ladder in one of the neighbouring gardens which was used to have a sneaky watch of some games.

Wishing the Swans all the best for the New Season

About a decade ago, Soccer AM came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar challenge. Roger Freestone nipped off unnoticed after his turn, stripped off and streaked by the football goals.

3)Swansea

About a decade ago Soccer AM 01792 773431 came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar Neath challenge. Roger Freestone hit the cross bar with his 01639 644047 turn but although the Sky broadcast discovered that the Port crossbar was aTalbot whole inch thicker at one end than it was at the other, they awarded him with his winning 01639 882281 T-Shirt.

We asked people on Facebook whether:-

S�u�� id�� i�� y��

We have the best centre midfield options in the league?

The summer signings of Canas, Shelvey and Pozuelo as well as the return of De Guz means this season we will have 7 players competing for 3 central midfield places. With Bony a guaranteed starter up front (the only current alternative being Rory Donnelly) and Michu a certainty for the attacking midfield spot, that leaves 2 places left for the other 6 to scrap over. Every week Laudrup is going to have a difficult decision to make, does he leave out Britton, De Guzman, Canas, Ki, Shelvey or Pozuelo?

Matt Richards Aside from the top 6 teams, probably. Stuey Bennallack we got the midfield that can challenge for the top 6 David Meyrick No but we do have many options now which will make it harder for others to plan how to play against us Gareth Lewis No, we gave you Jonjo who couldn't get a game with us and he's arguably your best midfielder! Awful status! x Simon Irwin: Time will tell. We have the most accurate passer in the league (in Ki) who will probably barely play, De Guzman would walk into most sides but will struggle for games this year. I think we might have the best second string centre midfield in the whole league yeah, I know that sounds a bit naïve but do Man City or Man Utd have a better 4th 5th and 6th choice centre midfield than us? I’m not convinced. Cannever tell until the season kicks off but we certainly got a better midfield than Liverpool. Would Jordon Hendersson even be allowed to carry water bottles on for Michu?

It looks like a lot of squad rotation is on the way, and some of them will have to be content with Europa league and subs’ appearances. I missed the first Malmo game (I picked the wrong week to go camping in Devon) but I’m told Shelvey was outstanding and Pozuelo looked sharp when he came on, and scored with a great finish. Surely Leon’s place is safe, he’s been the heartbeat of the team for so long now I can’t see Laudrup dropping him unless he needs a rest. I know very little about Jose Canas, but he was in demand by several other clubs before deciding to come to Wales’ number 1 club. He looks like he can add a bit of muscle to midfield – he’ll come in handy against Stoke. And Cardiff. With Leon possibly reaching the later part of his career, he’s over 30 now, maybe Canas is to be the new pulse of the team. In 66 games for Betis he scored no goals, so don’t expect another Michu. De Guzman is a class act and you could argue worth a place in the team just for his set pieces. He’s like a Dutch Canadian Beckham - without the hype and crap tattoos. It took a while for him to convince me last season, he looked really slow tracking back at times, but his link up play with Michu and scoring 7 goals himself won me over. I can’t see Ki featuring much this season, he’s a tidy enough player but looks to be the weakest of what’s available. He needs to up his game and score a few goals or he’ll end up on loan at Port Talbot. No-one wants to do that. Shelvey should be interesting, he always looked dangerous when I saw him at Liverpool last season and he looks like he’s got goals in him. Might get the odd game up front if Bony and Michu need a rest – he’s got a decent shot and a bit of fire in his belly. So we’re spoilt for choice, we’ve come a long way since the days of Shaun Chapple and Kwame Ampadu. No offence fellas.

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Planet Swans is Swansea’s busiest unoffcial website attracting over 15,000 visitors us on Facebook per dayandFind around La Vita Hair Salon 75,000 page views. You can folow them on Twitter @swansnews or visit www.planetswans.co.uk

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Th�u�ht� �r�� G�� (M�� Ri�h�rd�) W�l��e� B�� – Sw�n�e�`� N�� Dro�b�?

I have followed Swansea`s results all my life, ever since I first visited The Vetch with my Uncle Bledd & cousin Jonathan, aged approximately 8 or 9. The weeds we were standing in amongst the stand were equally as tall as my cousin back then! On that day we played Barnet and lost! But sadly I can’t claim to be a full member of the Jack Army as I am, unfortunately, a Gunner and have been since Primary School, blame my uncle for only taking me to a handful of Swans matches through my early years! My grandfather James Eustace, is a devoted Swans fan, he is now incapable of physically going to matches now he’s aged 92 but has listened to every single Swansea game on the radio since as long as I can remember. £12 Million pound would have bought you a city when he first visited the Vetch field, now it is the sum of Swansea`s new striker Wilfried Bony, in a record summer move from Vitesse. He has been given the number 10 shirt at Swansea and stands at 6ft tall. His goal scoring record at Vitesse was absolutely unbelievable with 36 goals in 36 games, including 15 goals in 10 consecutive games, the last 3 goals of which was a hat-trick in a 5-3 victory against Heracles Almelo. Previous to his time in the Eredivisie the Ivory Coast international spent time at Sparta Prague where his record was a very respectable 22 goals in 59 matches. He won the Gambrinus Liga and the Czech Super cup with Sparta in 2010. He started his professional career with Issia Wazi in the Côte d'Ivoire Premier Division, who, I can honestly say I have never heard of in my whole 28 years of life! He likens himself to Didier Drogba, strong build, brilliant in the air, good at holding the ball up and a bullet of a shot, an out and out goal poacher with great ability. He is quoted as saying “I want to make the same impression Drogba did in the Premiership”. Make no mistake that is one hell of a bold statement to make, with his idol being one of the most lethal finishers the Premiership has ever seen. Bony will be absolutely superb for Swansea in the Premiership and score a lot of goals alongside Michu. In his first competitive game against Malmo they bounced off each other and gave the Swedish defense a migraine inside the first 45mins! His movement, work rate and team play was exceptional, and Bony deserved his two goals. You have to take the opposition into account on this occasion because Malmo are the equivalent of a Championship team but nevertheless I think you Jack B*****s should expect big things from Bony. He looks the real deal and I doubt Huw Jenks would have broken the bank if Laudrup didn’t give him a glowing report. With the supply of Shelvey, Dyer, Routledge and Hernandez this season I expect Bony to break the 20 goal barrier this season. Good luck for the season Swansea City, your fans are amazing and there is no escaping the fact that with Laudrup manager and Huw Jenkins in the Chairman’s seat you are destined for greater things (if that’s possible after the last 10 years). Jenkins is definitely the unsung hero of Swansea City Football Club; as long as he is with you, Swansea will not go far wrong. I wish you all the best for the season ahead. I will be watching, and above all, thanks for reading my first ever article in a magazine, hope you liked it, feel free to follow me on Twitter @matt_richard28 and give me some feedback, always happy to hear from the Jack Army.

Watch The Swans Permssion Slip

Name: Date: All Swansea City matches (Home and Away)

Should this request be granted I do solemnly swear to record Match of the Day and watch it at a time when convenient with you, I will keep my mobile phone charged and on at all times (although hearing it ring during any matches can be difficult). I am also fully aware that even if permission is granted, you have the right to be annoyed with me for no valid reason whatsoever.

Time of Departure: Varying Request is: Approved Denied Time of return NOT exceeding: Within If approved, cut permission slip and ………… minutes from full time whistle This decision is not negotiable. carry at all times. (please note that in some European and Domestic Cup

matches, there is the possibility of extra time and penalties)

Amount of alcohol permitted : Beer (pints) :....... Wine: (bottle) ....... Shorts: (Double).......

Permission for my Boyfriend/Girlfriend/partner/Husband/ Wife/Son/Daughter/Mother/Father to watch ALL Swansea City football games in ALL competitions whether in the stadium (home or away) or in the pub or on our only television. Date

Signed

Tim Rendell

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