Jack Swan #15

#15

Parental Advisory

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Editorial

ell we had to wait a while didn’t we but in our 100th year we have our first trophy in the cabinet. Achieved European football through the English system for the first time and I can say with quite a bit of confidence that it is our best ever season.

Football is a funny game as as soon as a season nears the end, we start to think about the next. Who can come in, can we keep hold of anyone and can we possibly top this season. Success always brings greater expectation and I think we are all beginning to feel like an established Premier league side and not a flash I the pan big boy wannabee.

It’s a bizarre time at the moment, we have some of the biggest clubs in the world to play and yet it will mean more to them than us. I’m not getting carried away and stating that Man United are going to be in awe of us visiting but they have more to win and to lose. The Arsenal game was just weird, we were poor but we never really got up for the game. They needed to win to have any real chance of a champions league place and I think we struggled to find a real desire. The lure of beating a side who we have already beaten away this year and beat at home last season just wasn’t really there.

I really hope that that wasn’t a sign of things to come. It would be a shame for us to finish such a wonderful season on a low.

I hope you noticed that we added an extra 16 pages to our Wembley special last time round and we have had such demand and interest that we have kept the extra pages. The Mag, like the Swans is going from strength to strength and it is really nice to hear that so many of you enjoy it. I hope this issue is no different.

Please keep staying in touch, tell us where we are going wrong and what you like. We will however, never produce a magazine without a spelling mastike.

Cheers Jack Swan

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Has Laudrup had too much credit?

Conway Jones No think he left off what Rodgers started Lewis Wheeler: Every bit of credit he has received has been fully deserved. Credit to all the squad and club staff also, but he could not have managed the group of players he inherited and added any better in my opinion.

Vince Hotten Let's see, he lost Allen, Siggi and Sinclair not to mention Taylor through injury. He brought in Michu, De Guzman, Ki, Hernandez and promoted Ben Davies. We're in Europe next year and i expect us to finish high up the league. Oh and he did this whilst making a profit! Huw Jenkins certainly deserves credit but Laudrup deserves all the plaudits he gets Andrew Howells What a daft question !

Daryl John Morris For me no. He's brought in the likes of Michu, Chico, De Guzman, Ki, Hernandez and Tiendalli who have all been first team or there about all season, some of which probably would not have turned up if it wasn't for the Laudrup factor.

O���-Ra�e� D���?

Congratulations to Michael Laurdup on winning the Premier League manager of the year as voted by fellow managers.

I’m going to annoy a few of you in saying this but has he had a little too much credit for our achievements?

First thing first, he has clearly done a great job. The players he has brought in have improved the side, the mentality of the team is stronger and more ambitious than at any stage last season and he appears to of kept a good squad harmony which can prove difficult after a successful manager departs. I am extremely happy that he has signed a new contract and am ecstatic that he is our man.

But, and it is only a small nagging ‘but’, but is it a mere coincidence that the club continue to grow and improve, regardless of the manager? I felt the same this time last year when everyone was going over the top about Brendan and when he won the same award last term.

There are clearly good and bad managers but I really do feel that a bad manager can do more at a good club than a good manager can at a bad one. It seems that history has proved that Sousa is a pretty awful manager and yet in his sole season with us we improved on our league position.

If you look through the premier league there are clubs who have underachieved for decades. Big clubs, clubs who have appointed managers who have been successful at other clubs and yet for whatever reason have failed. Would Laudrup of picked up this award had he been appointed the Villa manager? I really doubt it. What percentage of the vote did Brendan get 12 months after winning the vote at SA1? I don’t think any idiot would have voted for him.

For me the League Cup win and the success of this season’s campaign needs to be spread further afield than any manager or group of players. The make-up of the club is its biggest asset, the level headedness of the dressing room, the part-ownership by us fans, and the generally local and supportive board. These are all ingredients which help make success, it isn’t as simple as appoint a good manager who buys a few good players and the rest is inevitable.

The Great Laud has been a huge factor in this campaign; a manager clearly plays a pinnacle role in any clubs success or failure but it is far from the only reason. There is no doubt in my eyes that his fellow managers chose the right man and that Michael Laudrup deserved the award this year and he certainly deserves a huge amount of plaudits. But for me there has been a little too much focus on just one man.

If your reading this (as I know you do) Mr Laudrup ‘I nearly love you’

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FACEBOOKERS WHAT DID BRENDAN DO GOOD & BAD FOR US? •Steve Thomas Brendan Rodgers gave the squad confidence they could compete at the top level with the big boys.

Chris Tucker There was nothing he did wrong for swansea... and he's doing everything right for liverpool keep it up brendan.

Alex Collins He was a great fit for us at the time, and the players seemed to need a lift after Sousa, which he achieved with great results leading to promotion. It would be nice if he didn't keep being linked with our players, as that is getting a bit tiresome.

His scouts must be dire as he always goes back to his old clubs.

Chris Stevens Good Got us into the premiership Gave the guys confidence to compete Took Joe Allen off our hands for a stupid amount of money Bought Vorm Bad Left as soon as another team showed interest Stifled our players at times Insisted in playing Scott even though he hardly ever beat a full back Was becoming bigger than the team it was always Brendon this and Brendon that. Now it's about Michu

3 Reas�n� W� Sh��l� B� Th��k��� T� B��nd�� Brendan Rodgers did some great things for Swansea; he’ll always be remembered for being there when we beat The Scum to the Premier League and helming us to a more than a respectable first season. Then he buggered off, broke his word about coming in for our players and perhaps most heinously appeared on Being: Liverpool, which is TV’s answer to the question ‘what if David Brent managed a football club?’ There are a few reasons though; why we should be thanking him for everything he’s done since signing for England’s Biggest football club (this sentence was written in the 80’s).

3 – Joe and Gylfi.

Yup, he may have said that he wasn’t going in for any of our player and... Well, we know he did. It was sad to see Joe go, but for that silly money? Tarra, goodbye, have fun in Scouseland; make sure you buy a good alarm system. That money helped us bring in a host of players not least of which was Michu.

We would not be Milk Cup Holders (also written in the 80’s) had he not gone in and given Mikey Louds (as his mates call him) that 15 mil. As for Gylfi, well I know he didn’t actually get him, but he caused the fracas that meant that we didn’t either. But boy did we dodge a bullet there. Ever seen what happens to a loan player when he finally gets that bumper contract he’s been playing out of his skin for? Take a look at Gylfi Sigurdson at Spurs. Phew.

2 – He Beat Us 5-0.

It’s pretty easy to get over a 5-0 loss when a week later you’re holding you first major trophy having won the final by the same margin, but I’d say that it’s arguable that the Liverpool defeat was just as important.

We know we’ve got a first 11 capable of challenging anyone on their day, but what that loss showed us is how woefully inadequate our squad players are. It’s not surprising, two years ago we were in the championship, but if we’re going to improve (and do anything in Europe next year) we need to invest across the squad. We’ve all seen teams struggle in the premiership when playing in Europe, and with the amount of money on offer next season thanks to a new TV deal with the league, we can afford to throw caution to the wind a bit. Imagine how good we could be if we had a striker?

1 – He Left.

It gets a bit frustrating watching managers go all the time, but as we’ve come to realise, we can overcome (thanks to the super-genius that is Huw Jenkins). We would not have won the Coca-Cola cup (found this one in the 90’s) , if Brendan had stayed, we would not have Chico, Ki, De Guzman or Michu and worst of all we might still have Danny graham swanning around pretending he’s good enough for England.

Worst of all we would not have M-Low’s (that’s his name from the hood) physics defying hair, chiselled jaw and pragmatic, sensible realism. He’s the best manager we’ve had, the most commercially useful, and a freaking footballing legend. The king is dead, Long Live The King.

Geraint Evans is a Writer and Stand-Up Comedian. He has Being: Liverpool on his sky+ and spends an inappropriate amount of time thinking of nicknames for Michael Laudrup. (Mickey Laus?)

Check out his website at www.geraintdafyddevans.com

Geraint Dafydd Evans LIVE Stand-up

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We T������We asked asked folk folk on on 3 Reas�n� W�� F��b��� I� L��� St�� T��� Facebook F����Facebook and and 1-0 1-0 up up against against an an inexperienced, inexperienced, young young Aston Aston Villas Villas side side who who are are playing playing away away from from home home Twitter what they Pic���� Twitter what As they a man whoand hashave seenconceded everythingfifteen remotely Star Trek, whilst alsogames displaying a tribal passion for in football, I am goals in their last three without reply.

Battered every and have conceded fifteen goals in their last three games without reply.

Battered in every thought our Q��� about ridiculed sections society.

Trekkies mock me shouting at 11 men on a TV, fans mock me of pitch for first minutes, Aston Villa regroup and are arguably unfortuthought about our by allpart part of the theof pitch for the the first twenty twenty minutes, Aston Villa regroup andand arefootball arguably unfortufor knowing the rank of a Starfleet officer justminute by looking at the dots on his neck. So in an effort to regain my need nate to aa ninety forth equaliser. need for for aa leader. leader. nate to concede concede ninety forth minute equaliser.

sanity I’m going to tell theextent two things aren’t so different...

Credit to Villa?

To yes, leadership shown Credit to you Villa?why To an an extent yes, the the leadership shown on on the the field field to to get get back back into into that that game game after the run they were on was impressive.

However looking closer to home, ifif we have had after the run they were on was impressive.

However looking closer to home, we have had Are a Are we we missing missing a 3 – Loyalty that leadership on that field then II don’t think they would have had aa look in. that leadership on that field then don’t think they would have had look in. leader field?

Not the players (obviously), flash a bit of cash and they’re off to Moneybags FC faster than you can say warp leader on on the the field?

9. The fans however aredrumming ridiculouslyon devoted, askfor a Trekkie if he’snow planning on going the Star Wars I’ve about over and that needs to I’ve been been drumming on about this this for over aa year year now and II feel feel that ititto needs to be be convention next month and prepare to receive a hurl of insults (probably in Klingon). Hell there’s just been addressed. addressed.

Julian L Mallows Julian L Mallows massive uproar about the fact that JJ Abrams (Star Trek director) has just signed on to do Star Wars. They our as for our tempo tempo is is fine!!! fine!!! asour formanager! stole Roberto andhad Brendan allseason over again.

Before II go on, aa great thus BeforeIt’s go on, we’ve we’ve had great season thus far far and and II am am very very content content with with our our league league leader..I is more leader..I think think ash ash morethe costumes, Weiswear we our go to events if our club is in to trouble we mobilise.

Several seriesto Star Trek position and cup run.

ItItand seems that II have mention this before intending position and our cup run. seems that have to mention this before intending toofslightly slightly than capable than capable have been saved from cancellation thanks to fan protests. criticise any minute part of our set-up as not doing so results in scathing attacks about criticise any minute part of our set-up as not doing so results in scathing attacks about how how we’re we’re still still progressing, progressing, II have have poor poor eye eye sight sight and and I’m I’m aa spoilt spoilt twelve twelve year year old old playing playing house. house.

Katie Katie 'Scfc' 'Scfc' 2Gaule Gaule – The Characters.

II dont need aa look at Lt. Worf and tell me he isn’t just Roy Keane with a bigger forehead and a slightly better dont think think we weOk, need so you On On too too many many occasions occasions this this season season we we have have dropped dropped points points which which we we shouldn’t shouldn’t have have done. done. leader, leader, the the boys boys communicommuniunderstanding ofthat humanity.

That young superstar who you think isbe a bit of a cock?

That’s Wesley Crusher!

By II don’t mean simply that on paper we should beating the likes of Reading home By that don’t mean simply that on paper we should be beating the likes of Reading home cate well with each other cate well with each other genius Emotionless whobut looks likeyou’re they don’t give a crap?

Berba, Spock. and when in as were against Aston and away away but when you’re in aa position position as we we were meet against Aston Villa, Villa, anything anything other other than than to is to see see ifif anything anything is going going They teach usthree similar lessons Sure breaking the rules (or someone’s leg) looks fun but you will be points is aatoo. mild disaster. three points is mild disaster. wrong. is wrong. Ashley Ashley Williams Williams is aaYou might be a superstar but your inexperience is going to cost you, and your team (and your punished. great great captain captain starship). You ItIt could belike great you some passion youReading won’t beand understood. seems an age ago on our away against Southampton seems like anbut ageunless ago but but onshow our trips trips away against Reading and Southampton we we battered battered them them for for the the first first ten ten to to fifteen fifteen minutes, minutes, completely completely taking taking the the games games to to them, them, Meuryn Nelson 1 – The Stats. dominating possession and looking at ease and yet in both games, as with Villa at home we Meuryn Nelson dominating possession and looking at ease and yet in both games, as with Villa at home we Williams fine that in ‘94 Star Trek (TNG became the first show initsyndication to be nominated for an Emmy?

Williams is isDid fineyou knowtotally totally took took our our foot foot of of the the gas, gas, let let them them back back into into it and and in in all all three three cases cases were were fortunate fortunate to to Of course youescape didn’t, that’sauseless information. But then just how useful is it for me to know that Swansea’s escape with with a draw. draw. biggest league wins was 8-0 to Hartlepool in 1978?

Kayrene Kayrene Griffiths Griffiths We’re both crazy for thisincapable stuff. We know everything about our ‘teams.’ We know you whenatpeople joined/left, We Think We seem seem incapable of of changing changing aa game game during during aa match match like like Aston Aston Villa Villa did did at the the Liberty.

Liberty.

Think they they doing doing Fab Fab as as the staff, we can tell you the plotusofinevery game and I personally can than let you know that atpark. the same time that Norwich battered the first half and looked better us all over the The same they are, the boys gel well Norwich battered us in the first half and looked better than us all over the park. The same they are, the boys gel well Swansea wereeleven earning promotion frominthe fourth division against Rotherham back in 88, The crew of the and eleven players players came came out out in the the second second half half after after aa ‘team ‘team talk’ talk’ (which (which II hoped hoped involved involved Curtis Curtis and have have fantastic fantastic Enterprise-D were halfway through their first tour. The only difference between Trekkies and... at Footies?aIs that kicking communication kicking boots boots at at them) them) and and destroyed destroyed Norwich Norwich and and were were unfortunate unfortunate not not to to get get at least least a communication between between what happensdraw. in football... well, actually happened. themselves draw. Why Why couldn’t couldn’t someone someone on on the the pitch pitch take take control? control? Before Before we we were were three three goals goals down. down. themselves What I’m to say is be nicefan to me,both because asand hard as it is maintaining a serious dedication to one ofrepresent these I’m I’m aa huge huge fan of of both Monk Monk and Williams.

Williams. Their Their assets assets as as captain captain are are obvious. obvious. Both Both represent Kevin Kevin Evans Evans yeah yeah think think things, just imagine loving of them. the club very both well off the field, have a calming influence and have experienced the lower

the club very well off the field, have a calming influence and have experienced the lower so so and and williams williams aint aint vocal vocal Geraint Evansleagues is a Swansea Fan, Trekkie and Stand-Up Comedian. leagues which which give give aa more more rounded rounded feel feel to to the the club. club. Obviously Obviously Monk Monk isn’t isn’t aa first first choice choice enough enoughCheck out hisstarter website at www.geraintdafyddevans.com and so on most occasions starter and so on most occasions itit is is the the former former Stockport Stockport player player who who wears wears the the captains captains armband armband on on the the field. field.

Arthur Bishop Ashley Arthur Bishop Ashley williams williams leads leads by by example example Come match day I don’t see Williams dishing out the Roy Kean type roaring attacks at fellow Come match day I don’t see Williams dishing out the Roy Kean type roaring attacks at fellow and and the the communication communication players to the best players to get get the very very best out out of of them them and and II don’t don’t see see itit from from any any other other player player on on the the field. field.

W��e� ���� ba� .

T��� ���� ���� amongst the team is ok amongst the team is ok Michu Michu is is possibly possibly the the only only one one II see see who who constantly constantly wears wears his his heart heart on on his his sleeve sleeve during during the the g�o� . T��� ����bad ���� ���� g�o�and . bad times times and and raises raises his his and other other peoples peoples games games around around him. him. But But it’s it’s hard hard for for him him to to do do itit Tim Rendell Yep !!

M��� 6 Na�i�n� ��x�role. �e��. from Tim Rendell Yep !! c���ra�� from his his advanced advanced role.

How's How's that that for for brief brief ?? ?? In In definite need of aa Roy January will bring its definite need January will��) bringt� its usual usual rumours of of players players coming coming in in and and departures departures and and centre centre midfield midfield Hat� of� of (��Roy m���� hat� D��rumours Keane appears Keane figure figure head, head, appears to to be be an an area area where where we we are are pretty pretty solid solid however however ifif the the likes likes of of Leon, Leon, Ki Ki and and JDG JDG Ho���� �r�� S���� Sis��r�some �h� s�i�to their attributes then I wouldn’t be too disappointed if ML without cannot without the the murderous murderous cannot add add some leadership leadership to their attributes then I wouldn’t be too disappointed if ML though �� tackles w��l� �h��� �i� �ea� �n� �e�� finds someone Discuss tackles though finds someone who who has. has.

Discuss further further on on PlanetSwans PlanetSwans at at http://alturl.com/9xj89 http://alturl.com/9xj89

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G�ea� D���

The signings he’s made speak for themselves, what can I say about Michu that any pundit commenting on the Premier League hasn’t already mentioned, and with Chico Flores proving himself to be a firm fans favourite, the o here we are, won at Wembley and we’re ninth in the relative success of Ki and De Guzman, and the world class league and qualified for Europe, our centenary year is potential of Pablo, I feel so far, despite no recent acquisishaping up to be a good one! But is it just coincidence that tions during the January window, it’s job done in the 100 years of Swansea City is peaking with arguably our best transfer market. What has impressed me more though is season ever? the new found belief that we have as a club. No longer do we fear the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and both Manchester One of my favourite statistics at the moment is the fact that clubs, but now approach these games looking to get we have improved on our final league position consecutively something out of them other than the pride of a good for the last six seasons, (after lengthy conversations with JS in performance. We can adapt our game specifically to suit the pub I researched this and found it to be correct!) taking individual teams and our away form is currently better into account that we have had a fairly high turnaround of than our home. We are a more positive and attacking unit management during this period just makes it all the more than under Brendan, yet we can park the bus and grind out impressive, and where I believe Mr Jenkins is largely a hard fought 1-0 where need be, and it’s only our second responsible for our recent success, I’d like to concentrate on season at this level! All the time Laudrup seems well his latest addition to Swansea City, the Danish legend that is grounded and extremely clued up when dealing with the Michael Laudrup. media, with his humble and understated demeanour portraying him as maybe being a bit timid and quiet at I for one was slightly concerned about this when it was times, his playing pedigree clearly demands respect, and announced, not because of his limited managerial the progression the team are making shows that this is a experience, or even the fact that he had issues with his manager who is firmly in control of the situation with the previous employers at Mallorca, but simply because it full backing of his squad. seemed too good to be true! Surely our run of progression would have to stutter at some stage? And with someone as I for one believe that Michael Laudrup is a major cog in the high profile as Laudrup in charge, were we setting ourselves Swansea City wheel and am looking forward to hopefully up for a huge fall? Well I don’t think it’s too soon to quash this flourishing under him for years to come, but, as is the train of thought. Not only has the Great Dane contributed to nature of a Jack, I do see one problem with his signing, and our evolution, but has transformed us from a team punching that is how do we replace such an icon when he does in above its weight to a, dare I say it, established Premier evidently leave? Let’s hope this isn’t a problem we have to League outfit. solve soon! In Huw we trust!

S

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V�n��n� T�� Sp�� In�������

We caught up with Cardiff City’s owner Vincent Tan for an interview. We met in a Casino on Cathedral Road, Vincent was at a table playing Blackjack.

How are you enjoying South Wales?

It is ok. I like it very much. I think that the language is a bit difficult; I think I will change that. And I don’t like rugby; I will get rid of that.

Mr Tan, with respect but you can’t just enter a country and change everything about it...

I bring lots of money with me, HIT ME, you want the money then I get what I want or I leave. HIT ME, STICK Go on then What? I leave? Haha. You need me here, you are poor people, and you run around chasing tails and eating rats. HAHA 21, I WIN. I looked at photos of Splott and it looks like the Shangai slums during the war.

Mr Tan, you do realise that I am from Swansea, I have no links with Cardiff, I don’t live there either. I mentioned this to your advisers before I came in.

Yes, yes, you are a dragon breather. I tried to buy your Swansea team but he said ‘no’, so I went to Bristol and they both said ‘no’. I said ‘I want a football club, I don’t care how bad’ and so I came here hahaha they were so desperate it was funny.

What are your short term plans for Cardiff City?

I want to change the name, I mean no I don’t. HIT ME, I want us to play in red, I mean no I don’t...... 19? STICK, I MEAN HIT ME........

You already do play in red.

I like red and I like Dragons. TOO MANY AHHHHHHH. Dragons are lucky. Red Dragons are really lucky.

OK, if you were to get promoted who would you like to sign?

The letter ‘S’ is very lucky in Asia. I would like to sign a whole team that consists with the letter S. We will easily win the league then. I would like Scott Sinclair he’s really jammy. Is he good at Blackjack? I bet he is. £12? you want to bet? £200?

Ummm, no I am Ok thanks. Would you call yourself lucky?

Hahahahhahahahahah no What would you do if you didn’t get promoted?

I would turn the stadium into a car and push it around <his advisor points out that although looking like it, the stadium is in fact not made of lego> ummm....... next question Is there a point where you think that the fans will say enough is enough?

Hahahahahahahaha no. They are desperate. They will sell their wives to me. Their children. They said that they will be unhappy if I change colour to red and yet when I say ‘OK I leave’ they say ‘NO, NO please stay’ and then wave their red scarf’s like the little monkeys that they are. I then say that I want to change the name and they say ‘no, no, we don’t want you to’. We have a saying in Malaysia ‘Oh fluffy sheep, oh fluffy sheep are wonderful, they are white Malaysian and fluffy, oh fluffy sheep are wonderful’. HIT ME.....

Does the club still have debts?

Hahahhahahahahah loads. That is what is really really funny. I come here, invest make believe money into the club, change its whole history, increase its real debt and yet I have absolutely no come backs and can walk away anytime. If the club makes money, I take it. If it doesn’t I walk away. And these stupid monkeys can’t see it. Take this casino for example, I come here and it is on the clubs accounts, if I win a profit, I take the money home in my back pocket. If I lose some money, it comes out of the club. You understand?

Hahahahhahahaha. HIT ME..........

What do you think of people who say Cardiff will ‘bottle it’?

I don’t think of them at all. I like Michael Jackson. He’s dead now though.

Thriller........Thriller.....20.... I STICK........

Again, this interview never happened. It is for your humour. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :)

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50 Shades of....

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted..........

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the stupid car! You do it, you SMUG git!"

UK HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain 's deficit £15 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2045 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

G�es� Wh�?

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams o ginger nuts.

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy fo at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish Too many foreigners no live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that w booked."

The horse meat scandal has had an unexpected benefit for the UK, the influx of Romanians which was expected this y will be a lot lower than predicted - we have eaten all of their transport.

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

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1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

The horse meat scandal has had an unexpected benefit for the UK, the influx of Romanians which was expected this year will be a lot lower than predicted - we have eaten all of their transport.

LEFT: N�� ��e��n��� �� Ja�� Sw�� TV -M� P��kc��� Hea�

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I think it is discusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved while competing on drugs. When I was on drugs , I couldn’t even find my bike.

We loaked this article to Facbook and this is what people said: Chris Pickford The relegation battle and Tottenham's push for the top 4 are the most entertaining parts of the league for me at the moment Mike Jones Very happy that our centenary season included winning a trophy, and I see this season as a stepping stone to build on for the future, I am happy that we are in no danger of being relegated, and we cannot really be thinking about winning the title, itsall about enhancing the reputation of the club in the remaining games, and getting as many points from the experiences, keeping the team together and adding to the squad in the summer, always fond of the vetch, and always go for a walk in there when I get a chance to, the atmosphere is never the same in new stadiums, but for the select few that remember the North bank, we go to the Liberty with the same attitude as the vetch, some things never change, we should be proud of where we are, as we are stabilising ourselves as a premier league team, others havent been so lucky.

Seas�� O���?

Man United at Old Trafford, Arsenal, Tottenham, Man City and Chelsea at home. Anyone else a bit bored of it now?

I love it. I love the whole premiership malarkey but it just feels a little bizarre at the moment. Is this how Aston Villa fans usually feel at the end the season? Well we aren’t winning the league and we aren’t going down, we’ll go through the motions a bit but there isn’t any real spice. A bit like a relationship desperately needing an affair, but who to turn to? Neath are no more, suppose there is always everyone who is playing Cardiff.

I write this the day before the Arsenal match and I haven’t really given the game a moments thought. I might look foolish as this is going to print well after the game but I kind of expect us to win. A win at Old Trafford would be really sweet but not that ‘out of this world’.

I mentioned to my wife the other day that as much as I love our achievements over recent years and our growth, I’m not convinced that I enjoy it any more than our underachieving days.

She responded with ‘you definitely don’t, you preferred it then’ and I think she’s right.

Wembley was a great day but I didn’t really feel like we, as supporters were one. Does that make sense? As the North Bank, I felt like for a Saturday afternoon, I was with my extended family. I don’t know whether I’m looking back with a romantic nostalgia at those people who would pee on my shoe and slobber all over you with every goal but I kind of really miss it all.

We now sing ‘your only here to watch the Swans’ and I do feel like that is kind of it, watch the match, go home, come back next week. Is this a bad thing? Surely that is what football is there for: to be watched.

Many of us have sly digs at ‘plastics’, those who have jumped on the bandwagon and for many of us it’s a bit of jealousy that some people who had no interest in the Swans have the money to now watch every home and away game while we continue to search for grubby shoes to take a slash over.

I looked around at Wembley and kind of pitied those ‘plastics’. I was lucky to get on the free bus there and back and it was as though we were on a trip back from Princess Diana’s funeral. It was as though ‘we came to watch the match, we have uploaded our facebook photos to prove we were there and now we are going home, now shut up and read your match day programme’.

I have a feeling that to me, it don’t really matter (from an enjoyment point of view) what league we are in or even what quality of football we play. A win is a win, a goal is a goal, a loss always hurts and a ridiculous refereeing decision will always get the blood boiling. But I definitely want to help clean your shoes.

Lateral thinking A man walks into the Tower down the Marina. He enters the lift and presses floor 9.

He gets out at floor 9 and walks up to floor 17. Knocks Spenser Davies don't on his friends door, there is forget it's five hundred thousand pounds a point no answers. He enters the lift (sounds better if I write it at floor 17 and presses the long hand), or a million a ground floor button. He leaves the building and position. What do points make ? Money = better decides to have a refreshing pint and reads Jack Swan players = more of a magazine.

Why didn’t he go thrashing Cardiff will get straight up to floor 17 in the if they come up. first place? ANSWER PG43

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FACEBOOKERS IS CHICO A NATURAL LEADER? Alan Godrich He's a natural header ,i know that much Stuey Bennallack He would be a great leader future captain of the mighty jacks Andy Jones we have to captains tho Andrew Howells Definitely ! Bit it might not always be in the right direction Jack Swan: Maybe. I like him. I have said on a number of occasions that we are missing a leader when times are against us, especially in the middle of the park. I agree that if a centre back can ‘man up’ and state himself on other parts of the field that it can change the momentum of the game. Not totally convinced that he is the only answer. Canas is supposedly coming in and as much as I like Leon and JDG, assuming that a striker comes in and Michu drops back, for me Leon, JDG and Canas will be fighting for 2 positions and the leadership qualities of Canas could push one of the other two (who have been amazing for us) out Matthew Vincent: I would say that he is a leader in the way that he plays football, his composure and the tackles he puts in however I personally wouldn’t make him captain. If Ash and Monk were to leave, I would look at making Angel Rangel captain.

E� C��it�� .

If you’re a Swans fan at the moment the next couple of months are almost looking, dare I say it, boring! Don’t get me wrong we’re in the Premiership and have some mouth watering fixtures to look forward to. But! Although I know we want to finish as high as we can and the higher we finish the more dosh………we’re safe and we know we are. Dosh excites chairmen not fans.

It’s a strange feeling. Football is classified by many as an entertainment and in some ways I suppose it is. But it’s a strange form of entertainment. You pay’s your money and you might come our feeling great, elated, but you are just as likely to come out feeling gutted. And you know that. But when you have already achieved all that you could have dreamed of, survival in the Premiership, European Football next year, then instead of having, those nerve-racking, edge of seat games where you’re whole body yearns for a goal you’re left with just watching a football match!

And so the silly season starts early. Speculation, rumour and conjecture! And come on that’s nearly as much fun as the actual football. There was recently an article asking for nominations for the Swans three best footballer this season. And it’s a difficult poser. We’ve had an exceptional season and arguably no one that has been called to put on the Swan’s shirt has C been found wanting. But for what it’s worth I’ll give you my three. Michu, De Guzzman and Chico Flores.

M

At the end of the season we’ll see movements in and out. I don’t really expect Lita, Tate or Gower still to be part of the club by the start of next season. Jaz Richards I’m not so sure about and everyone’s hero Gary Monk, I don’t expect to feature in the first team. If there are no other Y departures then I expect us to sign a new striker, a new central defender and a new central midfielder. I’m expecting Spanish to be the first language down at the Liberty next year!

CM There are rumours about a couple of our players going, namely Vorm and Williams. I don’t want to see either go and time and I suppose money will tell. Vorm, if he goes well there we are! Tremmel has been exceptional this year and although we’d have to buy a back-up keeper, providing the money was right I wouldn’t have too many worries. Williams’s is a differentMY scenario. Although he had an indifferent start to the season – he’s quality and we’d be forced to find another quality, first choice central defender. But is he a leader? The last few games CYand we’ve been without Chico and I think we’ve suffered. Not because our two captains Monk Williams can’t defend – they can but they allow the impetus to drop. Chico, when he first came we weren’t sure what we were getting. I thought he was unlucky to get red carded but I was CMY concerned that he was going to be a bit wild. But far from it, he’s settled down and defended manfully. But more then that when we start loosing our pace and zest he injects it. He will come out of defence at speed giving the midfield more room and suddenly we’re turning defence into attack at pace. If Williams is still with us next year he’ll almost certainly remain K captain but to me Chico is the leader.

By Vince Hoten

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NEWS FROM THE GEORGE SPRING 2013

As we enter our third year of trading, having just celebrated our 2nd anniversary here at The George, we were delighted to receive an impromptu visit from the Food Standards Agency and received our 2nd 5 Star Food Hygiene Rating in two years. This 2nd award is testament to the dedication and professionalism of all the staff here at The George and highlights our continuing commitment to excellence and consistently high standards. Customers are asking a lot about the whole process of inspection recently, partly due to the success of the TV series ‘The Food Inspectors’. Of course, we’re always happy to discuss our top marks!

The George is very much a family concern, and only a few weeks ago we managed to make time to get married! Mr & Mrs Megson are rightfully proud of the work that the whole family puts in to making the restaurant so successful. Particularly so on Sundays, when you’re likely to see daughters Bianca, Hannah and Kelsey all having hands on deck to help out, and even baby Calla is often known to put in an appearance!

Ready for the arrival of Spring this year we have our new, completely refurbished al fresco dining area, with state-of-the-art facilities including electric heating and full canopies to ensure that the weather doesn’t dampen your experience. Why not pop in for one of our ‘Springtime Afternoon Teas’ and enjoy a teatime treat with our superb range of home made cakes.

On the sports front, we are proud to see that our 2 darts teams in the Tawe Tuesday League have fully embraced the competition - that is to say one team is at the top of the table, the other at the bottom! It can be safely said that our teams are enjoying a ‘mixed season’. Darts nights are proving popular and fun, complemented of course by our great food and beers.

All in all we’ve had a very successful first two years here. While a lot of hard work has been undertaken, we have now completed all of our planned refurbishing for the foreseeable future. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of the staff, family, friends and, of course, you the customers for your part in helping us build a top quality restaurant and become a part of the local community.

Rob & Jayne

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Our Great Dane has spoken about wanting competition for places and having 2 players for every position. I expect in reality we will want 3 goal keepers and 3 strikers and then 2 per posoition.

This is how I see us in each position and I have a half decent second eleven, certainly a second eleven which would push for promotion in the championship.

Tel: 01792 650002 Fax: 01792 650003

Am I wrong or right?

Discuss these ratings at http://alturl.com/vbap2

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Unit 14, SA1 Business Park, Langdon Rd, Swansea, SA1 8QY

THE UNION INN All Swans Games LIVE Davies 7.5/10 He’s been brilliant and keeps getting better, starting to overlap his winger with

Williams 7/10 Getting back to his very best after a slow start and a few very sloppy back passes.

Britton 7.5/10 Mr consistent and very noticeably missed when not in the team.

The best player to ever wear the shirt.

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Vorm 7/10 Not the superhero that he was this time last year but still a top keeper.

Chico 7.5/10 A foolish early red card got us a bit worried but he’s looking the business at the moment.

JDG 7/10 A decent goal scoring record and a great delivery. A bit hot and cold but improving.

Sign him up.

Promotional Drink Offers Rangel 7.5/10 Had a couple of poor games after I claimed he was the best right back in the league but has been brilliant.

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Michu 9/10 Arguably the best player in the league thus far. Scores goals, brings players into the game and a real handful.

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Ki 6.5/10 He’s had a tough time of late and seems very sloppy at times. Has real quality and the ability to be a real talent.

Just 2 miles from stadium

Routledge 7.5/10 In the form of his life, scoring and creating goals and looking dangerous and making something happen in almost every game.

Pool & Darts Hernandez 8/10

again. Took him a few games after no real pre-season but if he is a real quality player.

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Ra�� t� Pl���� � ��� Ye��

Michu: Recently voted as the ‘signing of the season’ by Premier league managers and there are certainly no arguments with that decision here. He’s not been as clinical since Christmas, missed a really good chance at the Hawthornes which would have been a contender for goal of the season as the build up was so good. At this stage last season Vorm had all but won the award and I can’t honestly see anyone getting close to Michu this season. He scores when he wants.

JDG: He’s knocked the door all season for a place in the top three and for me he has impressed since his very first game. One of the first names on my team sheet, he has the energy to get from box to box and the pace to put opposition players under pressure. He has now overtaken Graham as our second top scorer this season and has a monster delivery at set-pieces. We really should get a move on and sign him up because with each game he plays there is going to be extra interest from all across Europe.

Ashley Williams: It’s been a hard slog for Ash to get into the top three this season. He started woefully and it has taken him until now to force his way back where he belongs. He’s a mountain at the back and he seems to becoming more and more the leader in the team (although as I have said on numerous occasions I still think we lack someone in the middle of the park dishing out rollickings but that’s for a different day and page). Arsenal and Liverpool are both supposedly keen on the centre back, I can’t understand why he would even think about leaving the club at the moment but football is a constant surprise. Back to his very best whether it is alongside Monk or Chico.

Special Mention : Nathan Dyer I crucified him a couple of issues ago and received a few emails telling me how wrong I was to do so to and I must hold my hand up and say that he was outstanding in the cup final. His hissy-fit over the pen was only overshadowed by his inability to notice the petrol light on his car a few weeks later but he has finally hit a bit of form and got his season up and running. I think that we look at our most dangerous when Pablo, Routs and Dyer are on the field and as long as our reformed handbag thief can keep his tempo and form up then I will be enthralled to watch them torture the opposition.

What Others thought on Facebook •

Meuryn Nelson cant choose Geraint Evans michu, williams, rangel Christopher Austin Michu, britton, williams Jamie Scfc Phillips Rangel michu Williams Alister Wheeler michu, de guzman, williams (rangel and routledge just missing out) Kristian Davies Michu Williams Davies

Jason Matthews Pope john paul.. Gandi... And that bloke who wont leave the uk mo something or another my top three prayers of the year Spenser Davies Ben Davies, Tremmel,and.......Britton.

Arthur Bishop Michu ash and leon Chris Stevens Michu Ben Routledge THANK YOU ALL: ADD JACK SWAN ON FACEBOOK AND COMMENT FOR NEXT MAG (DON’T KNOW HOW)

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A genuine Jack hero of mine, I loved this man and I know many fans did as well. Scored some really important goals and the kind of player you were happy to pay to watch.

Here is what Adrian Forbes is up to:-

Are you still in the game and if so, what are you doing?

I am currently still I'm the game and back working for Norwich City Fc. I'm coaching writhing the clubs academy where I manage the under 10's whilst also coaching for the clubs development centre which coaches players who aren't quite at academy standard yet to get them closer to academy standard and I have an under 13's age group there. It's great to be back at the club where it all started for me and working towards giving someone the playing opportunities I had .

What was your favourite Swans moment? (as if we have to ask) My favourite Swans moment has to be scoring that last goal at the vetch and seeing the reaction of the fans when that goal went it. The looks on the fans faces in the north bank will stick with me for the rest of my life.

Did you know the importants of that goal straight away?

I had no idea what that goal would mean to sonny people. I knew the importance of the day and new we needed to win for the fans as it was the end of a very important era and also new we needed to win as we couldn't afford there to be a gap in the table going into the bury game the week after so to be that person who got that goal and to score it past the person who has ended up being one of the best young keepers in the world I quite amazing . It's great to still be credited with scoring the last league goal at the vetch and its something I will cherish for a long time Who is the best player you have played with?

I've been very lucky to play in teams with some very good players such as Rio Ferdinand - Micheal Owen - Scott Parker - Peter Crouch to name a few and ofcourse the like ls of Trunds- Brits - monks - Andy Robinson I could keep going. I couldn't pick one specific player but just feel very fortunate to have called players of that caliber my teammates.

What do you miss about the Swans?

I miss EVERYTHING about the swans. The area- The people- The club - Wind St lol .I loved everything about my time there and still harbour a hope of coming back one day in a mother capacity. Fingers crossed that dream comes true one day.

What is your funniest moment at the Swans?

I think other than will getting arrested I think my funniest moment in the game has to be falling down a set of stairs at Bramall lane with the sky cameras on me. Highly hilarious bit incredibly embarrassing .

Where do you think the Swans will finish this season?

I think the swans are going to finish in 11th place this season. Laudrup had got then playing some great football and he has made some good additions to the squad .

Long may it continue.

Any hard feelings towards the Swans? no hard feelings towards the club at all . I was devastated when I had to leave but look at what the club had achieved since I've left that suggests it was the right decision. I do however feel that I have unfinished business there and would love to one day come back to that great club and coach dome future swans Who was the longest in the showers? me - Bayo and izzy How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard? because Tarzan was really a woman in drag If Harry Potter is magical how come he needs glasses?

Because he's a wizard not an eye surgeon A huge thanks to Forbsy for putting up with me during this (Matty has been a lazy shite of late and not got round to his job). I must say that once again that he is a real Swnas hero of mine and its always nice to find out that a hero of yours is also a top bloke. Cheers again.

Who is the best player you have played against?

I was lucky enough to play against a Middlesbrough team that had the likes of Fabrizio Ravenelli- junihnio and gazza playing in it and whilst that was several years ago it was still amazing for me to be on the same pitch as them when I was only 17 Tell me something funny about the whole Bury game and Willy being arrested?

What can you say about willy being arrested. It was hilarious from start to finish . Sorting on the coach going to the police station with the whole squad singing free willy was priceless . The fact that it took 4 policeman to get the handcuffs on him also made me laugh.

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Twitter - @lewispies Facebook - facebook.com/LewisPies

F�n��n� Go�

I’ve been an atheist for a long time, but in the last few years I’ve found my personal God. His name is Huw Jenkins. If you don’t know who he is, you’re reading the wrong magazine.

Like other deities, Jenkins has the ability to perform miracles with ease. Give him a club on the verge of going out of the football league and out of existence altogether, and he’ll turn it into one of the top 10 clubs in the country with a major trophy and European football. Vincent Tan is taking notes.

Give him £2m and he’ll turn it into £30m, as he did when buying Michu for £2m only last summer. Such has Michu’s impact been that he is now valued at £30m. You might think that was Laudrup’s work but he’s obviously a puppet – Jenkins pulls the strings. He’s also able to turn water into wine, ask anyone at the club Christmas party. Although sceptics will tell you he just got a good deal on blackcurrant squash.

Of all the managers he’s chosen, we have gone from strength to strength, with our league position continually improving. Those managers, having been nurtured by our Huw, have gone on to have varying successes of their own.

Rodgers was a failure before he came to Swansea, Martinez a total novice, even Laudrup hadn’t enjoyed great managerial success with anyone but Brondby.

I’ve suffered crises of faith on a few occasions, every time he appointed an unknown or untried manager I questioned his choice. Strangely, the only time I was happy with his choice was Paulo Sousa, who did his best to undo all of Martinez’s hard work, got rid of Leon Britton and thought that Shefki Kuqi was the way forward. But Jenkins managed to turn this situation to his benefit – he had a word with some associates at Leicester and persuaded them to pay a few million for Sousa’s services.

Classic Jenkins genius.

That genius has continued this season in getting over £10m in the sales of Scott Sinclair and Danny Graham, a profit of over £6m, who have had little or no impact at their new clubs. So for once I’m not remotely worried about losing our manager. When Laudrup does leave then HJ will surely pick the right man to take the club forward. As long as it’s not Malky Mackay.

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What Rhiannon Thought Rhiannon Lewis He'll probably put Davies to start and bring Taylor on later for a run round before he starts him been out of the game a little while. That's what I think then depending on performance who starts next couple of matches.

����OR V �A�I�S

It is brilliant to see that Neil Taylor is back in training and well on the road to recovery. It will be interesting to see whether the full back plays any further part in this campaign. Some will argue that there is no rush to get him back and let him have a long break over the summer and come back stronger with no risks. Others will say that a crunching tackle is all part of the recovery and it will be better to have it sooner rather than later and with a break afterwards.

We wait to see what Laudrup thinks.

Assuming that he comes back the player he was, it will be a real scrap for him to get his first team place back. Few can ague that he has been missed thanks to the ‘manning up’ of the young Ben Davies and the fight for left back will be a very interesting one and a difficult Jack Swan who do you decision for Michael Laudrup (and this without bringing Tiendalli into the equation who has think is the better player? been good in patches).

Rhiannon Lewis Ben needs I’m unsure which one I would choose and so in any scenario like this I rush straight to get some facts in. And here they are:a bit more experience his crosses are good but a few things could work on, some Ben Davies has one goal to his name and a very good one at that, while Taylor failed to muster a goal last season. Davies has two assists to his name this year, while Taylor only managed one players he doesn't match last year. Taylor though played his part in 14 clean sheets last year; while Davies has only been up to as with Taylor but as part of 6 this. much as I think Davies is Great Taylor would be my Any help? None what-so-ever. We all know that our whole set up this year under the Laud is first choice down to experience, confidence and completely different to what it was last year under the Lard. We are a more positive minded team this year and our full backs are our width with our wingers being far more central. dealing with certain opponent players. If that Fooballing-wise I expect Neil Taylor will enjoy playing under the Great Dane more than he did makes sense? under the Great Danish Pastry eating competition winner 1997-2012. The former Wrexham Jack Swan Glad you could player is never shy going forward and loves to overlap, get wide and whip a ball in. I think that make a decision I couldn’t. Ben likes to cut inside more and get into shooting and more dangerous positions in the final 20 yards of a field.

Rhiannon Lewis I think we've all fallen in love with It is clear that the former Tennis Racquet hooligan, Davies is the taller of the two and that additional height can come in handy at times. I would expect Taylor to win in a foot race and Ben and he's done so well we as a side are so lucky he both have excellent deliveries and are defensively sound. stepped up when Taylor got injured and he's proved I wouldn’t be surprised if we play horses for courses next year and play Davies against the bigger sides and use Taylor against the faster wingers. We are really blessed to have both and himself as a good player I hope he continues to have to be totally honest I’m a huge fan of the two of them and aren’t too bothered which one does play. Potentially they may both play some games together, maybe one in front of the other, games and Taylor comes maybe one filling in at right back. I certainly can’t see Wales having the luxury to leave them back as fit as before but both out. It’s a brilliant problem but I’m glad its not mine, in ML we trust. yeah a hard choice but sometimes for the benefit P.S If your reading this Ben Davies, please get in touch and talk us through the Tennis Racquet of the team it's best to go incident with Ieuan Eltham. This is the sort of hard gripping journalism which Jack Swan loves with a little experience to do. To solve the mystery of an 8 year olds play-ground fight, over a decade later would be a perhaps haha proud moment for us.

Jack Swan Could argue that by the end of this season, in And What Others Thought Andrew Morgan I would like to see them both playing. Maybe laudrup can develop Davies to terms of top- premiership play on the left wing further forward and keep Taylor left back. Ben is still only 19 so could experience, that both Ben mature as a winger. Who knows tho. and Neil will have a full season of PL experience Robert Melen Rangel isnt getting any younger, although he has been immense this season, under their belts????? but maybe taylor and davies will both play in future seasons.

Rhiannon Lewis Yeah I Chris Stevens Will Taylor actually come back and play as he could before he was injured. I agree it's a hard decision haha I think we need a line actually think Ben is a better defender, Taylor dives in frequently and gives away cheap free up of stats for both players kicks which cost us goals in our first season in the prem and good players realised this. Ben is in prem and then make an also better in the air than Taylor. Taylor is quick I will give him that but it's no substitute for a footballing brain educated decision haha.

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Plas�i� Tes�: 3 Fact� �u� O��� ��� i� T��� 1 Walter Boyd holds the record for the fastest ever sending off at 0 seconds. He came on the field had a tussle with an opposition player while waiting for a free-kick to be taken and got given his marching orders before a ball was kicked.

2)

3)

Walter Boyd holds the record for the fastest ever goal. During Swansea’s 3-1 win over Exeter, Striker and penalty taker Steve Watkins got taken out by the opposition goal keeper and needed to be substituted. Walter Boyd came on, took and scored the penalty. From the moment the game was restarted to the ball hitting the back of the net was 0.7 seconds which to this day is a British record.

Walter Boyd holds the record for the fastest ever substitution for non-medical reasons. When Roger Freestone was sent off for bringing a striker through on goal down in the 2nd minute of the match away to Scunthorpe, Swansea sacrificed the striker Boyd in order to bring on another goalkeeper.

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E�r���

Believe it or not, I do sometimes do a tiny bit of research before I ramble on with these articles and I’m glad I did with this one. I have always thought that the Europa League was full of whipping boys until the knock-out stages and that we can easily qualify for the later rounds with a careful selection of first and second team players.

From my 2 minutes on the BBC website, it appears I am totally wrong. Every side but one mustered a win and the one who didn’t win managed 2 draws. Having said that nine points was enough to qualify through each group with the exception of one and so three home wins would usually be enough to progress.

It is generally plain to see that those in the Europa league have suffered with their Premier League form. Michael Laudrup has claimed that he wants a squad of 27 players for next season and I imagine that he will already be thinking of who he wants to play in what games.

The draw will obviously be important. It would obviously be to our advantage if we could avoid trips too far east.

Liverpool scraped through their group stage this year but left out a host of first team players on their trip to the Russian billionaires which they went on to lose 1-0.

I would imagine that we will adopt a similar approach, aim to win our three home matches with strong sides and use our squad to hopefully gain a draw somewhere away from home which should see us right.

The Europa Cup is an obvious draw for potential new recruits, not just for the fact that it is a European competition that is watched the world over but also as any new acquisition will know that there should be plenty of games available. Tottenham are already guaranteed 54 games this season and this with two early domestic cup exits.

We must embrace the extra games, the idea that their bad things seems crazy to me. Yes, we should prioritise the league, especially until we hit that forty point mark but we will always have eleven players who want to play football and we will find and develop better players because of it.

Without new recruits a second side of Tremmell, Taylor, Monk, Bartley, Tiendalli, Kemmy, Ki, Moore, Lamah, Dyer and Scheckter looks a bit lacking but if we were to put Canas in the middle and add a new striker then I think we can be happy enough with that against many a sides.

The worst comes to the worst, we get knocked out of it. I hope we have a mega adventure and get to Turin and become the first Welsh side to win a European Trophy.

Even if it would go down in history as an English win.

the

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E�r�-�es� B��nd�� I feel that I go on about Brendan a bit much from time to time in this mag. To set the record straight, I liked the guy, heard nothing but good about him when here, he always said he wanted a bigger club and the only real issue I have with him is taking little Joe and potentially taking other players.

But that hasn’t meant that I haven’t enjoyed watching him struggle elsewhere. The loudest roar I have heard all season wasn’t when Swansea scored their fifth against QPR in the first game, nor our fifth in the league cup final but when WBA scored their third in Brendan’s first game in charge of the Kop. It’s all been a bit harmless but as we’re getting close to the end of the season, is it actually becoming important?

Rumours are that the Lard is after a few of our players again, with Ashley Williams being the most linked and for me the most likely target for the Scouse. Others have been linked over the course of the season although it appears that the Liverpool faithful aren’t too keen on the idea of Brendan turning to his old stamping ground after half landscape.ai 1 15/09/2011 20:03:20 feeling thatKantelew they overpaid for Joey.

Football always surprises and disappoints me. Many a times I have looked at a transfer and thought ‘why would you move there?’ and money is sadly often a major factor.

Players never come out and say ‘it was for the money’, champions league football is always an apparent draw as is the Europa Cup which is why I think it might become very important to us if Liverpool failed to reach it.

An offer to any of our players from Liverpool would be far more appealing if they were to finish high enough in the table to match our European status. Firstly for the simple European football experience which their already guaranteed at SA1 but also because such a finish would prove that their heading in the right direction and could challenge for a top four space next year.

Nothing surprises me but should Liverpool reach Europe I expect them to take at least one of our players. If they fail to, I don’t think they will be able to tempt them but as I said money talks and football and footballers disappoints from time to time.

If you needed an excuse to hope Brendan fails then here you are and if Ash or anyone else leaves to an un-Europa Cup Liverpool, have the decency to come out and say ‘I’m in it for the money’

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My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL : Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.. SORRY NO JOKE HERE.

ANSWERS: Laterel thinkinig: He was (politically correct) short. Very Short.

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UnitUnit 9, Crofty Industrial Estate 9, Crofty Industrial Estate Crofty, Swansea, SA4SA4 3RS3RS Crofty, Swansea, Email: Email: info@baylandscapesltd.co.uk info@baylandscapesltd.co.uk Web: Web: www.baylandscapesltd.co.uk www.baylandscapesltd.co.uk

We Clear your Invasive Plants We Clear your Invasive Plants and Carry Out Ground Maintenanc and Carry Out Ground Maintenanc Weed control Weed control Ground Maintenance Landscape Ground Maintenance Landscape Ground Maintenance Ground Maintenance

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Tel: Tel:07964 07964711354 711354 Come on Come onthe theSwans!!!!!

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Structual StructualEngineer Engineer

Weed Control Weed Control Hard and Soft Landscaping Hard and Soft Landscaping Landscaping Design Landscaping Design Paving & Patios Paving & Patios Planting Planting

Tree Work Tree Work Hedge and Grass Cutting Hedge and Grass Cutting Walling & Fencing Walling & Fencing Remove Invasive plants like Japanese Knotweed Remove Invasive plants like Japanese Knotweed

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Plasterer Plasterer

We Clear your Invasive Plants We Clear your Invasive Plants and Carry Out Ground Maintenanc and Carry Out Ground Maintenanc Weed control Weed control Ground Maintenance Landscape Ground 1st Class Plastering qtr landscape.ai 1 22/05/2012 10:33:14 1st Class Plastering qtr landscape.ai 1 22/05/2012 10:33:14 Maintenance Landscape

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YOUR YOUR ststClass Plastering Class Plastering ADVERT ADVERTHERE HERE Steve SteveCoupe Coupe JUST JUST£20 £20PER PERISSUE ISSUE 07973 07973856145 856145/ /01792 01792578677 578677 CALL CALL07974 07974055529 055529 1515 Years Experience Years Experience AllAll Internal && External Plastering Undertaken Internal External Plastering Undertaken

Windows Windows

Plumber Plumber Covering AllAll Aspects Covering Aspects of of Plumbing Plumbing Fires Fires Boilers Boilers Installations Installations Breakdowns && Repairs Breakdowns Repairs Landlord Safety Landlord Safety Full Bathroom Full Bathroom Refurbishment including Tiling Refurbishment including Tiling

Fully Insured Fully Insured Free Estimates Free Estimates

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01639 01639841873 841873/ /07894 07894744626 744626 pauliegasman@yahoo.co.uk pauliegasman@yahoo.co.uk

Hourglass HourglassWales Wales

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The Thesolution solutionisisclear clear

Why not call usus forfor a free nono obligation quote Why not call a free obligation quote

Contact Contact01269 01269825 825999 999/ Fax / Fax01269 01269824482 824482

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Network VEKA IS APPROVED BY STEVE DAVIS

Network VEKAReliable in the extreme Award Winning Family Owned Business since 1994!

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FREEPHONE 0800 8030821 Local Business Serving Local People

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Email: mpnwindows@aol.com Opening Hours 9am to 9pm 7 days a week

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HUUGGEE HJANUAREY L

NEW SHOWROOM 182 Neath Road, Swansea, SA1 2JT

A LE SA !

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E T N E V V EE 35924401792 359244

G N I H T Y MARCH R IN EONLY JANUARY EVAND 01792

(opposite the Liberty Stadium)

182 Neath Road, Swansea, 2JT439212• www.mpnwindows.com Tel: 01656 648464 orSA1 01446

Showrooms at:the 10a Ewenny Road,SALE! CF31 3HL • Unit 2, Leckwith Road, Cardiff CF11 8AP SPRING (Opposite LibertyBridgend Stadium)