Issue64 by Jack Swan

Issue #64

Is This The Most Boring Swans Team Ever?

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AVAILABLE WEEKEND C�n��nt� Know Your Ale? 21st Oct

4: Editorial Jack Swan will be teaming with a of it all? 6: different local What’s the uppoint brewery every month to bring you ‘Jack Swan ale’. The thing is that we 8: won’t Giovanni Savarese be telling you who the brewery is until the following month. 14: Swansea Jack Do you know your ale? Can you guess what 16: Fifa right/wrong? this month’s ale is? 18: Mels memories Available in: Crown Inn, Birchgrove 22: 20 Words from H Ancient Britton, Pen Y Cae Colliers Arms, Skewen 24: Vetch memories ATFV Brunswick, Swansea 32: Pontardawe Football Phrases Inn, Pontardawe New Inn, Cydach 36: Meet the Barstaff 38: Fantasy Football 40:: History Quiz 44: Pics of the Month 46: Jokes by Spense 52: Mind puzzles 54: Picture Quiz 60: Geraint Goodridge 66: Short Breakfast Review 68: Shit you should know 72: Name the Pub 74: Jack Swant Tries 80: Jack Sounds 86: Jack Swan Ale 88: Munchkinos 92: Your Local Trades 98: Quiz Answers

What Beer is it?

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4 Clement out!!!!

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Not really……… Not yet anyway but it is fair to say that the last couple of months seemed to have hurt his CV as much as the last couple of months of last season improved it. Every manager has different strengths and style and I’ve said in the past that sometimes a team needs a different type of manager at different times. Huw Jenkins has been generally outstanding at realising what we needed and when and we undoubtedly needed somebody well organised after the shambles of Bob Bradley. I get the ‘work from the back’ mentality. He inherited a completely hapless team that had the ability to concede goals in every manor possible and he has clearly made the team far more difficult to score against … which is pretty useful in trying to win a football game. I expect us to stay up. I think that we are difficult to beat and we will frustrate a lot of teams away from home just like we did with Spurs. We are in a FAR better position than last season but our game plan is clearly to keep things tight and then to hopefully grab a winner from somewhere and it is going to be tedious for viewers. We clearly lack pace and creativity. I’m a big fan of Wilfried Bony. He is undoubtedly one of the best players to ever wear the Swans shirt and I’m delighted that he’s back at SA1. It is too early to say whether he is the ‘same player’ that left but we are certainly not the same team and I fear that our new style (or lack of it) is going to hinder his success considerably. There have been few stronger players to ever play the game and few with the ability to hold up the ball so well. Last time round, he would hold the ball up and have Routledge, Dyer and Hernandez all busting a gut to run past him, sometimes all at the same time and the whole world would open up.

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Fast, purposeful passing and crucially ‘runners’ played to Bony’s strength’s and it made not only for goals

(Which are also useful in winning football matches) but it was also wonderful to watch. Recent team selection makes Bony obsolete. None of our midfielders are the type of player to get beyond him and so he is being forced to play the ball back into the midfield. Against West Ham, our 3 front men had 3 touches between them in the opponents penalty area and we have only had 11 shots on target in our 7 premier league games. The worrying thing is that this is plan A! Our recent team selections aren’t down to a huge injury list or suspensions but is our manager choosing the formation he prefers with the players that he wanted to sign over the summer. The REALLY worrying thing is that there isn’t a plan B! We are desperate for wingers (especially at home against weaker teams) but we seemed to overload our summer spending on disciplined central midfielders and we aren’t blessed with genuine Premier League wide players knocking on the door demanding a starting place. There is a positive spin though…. Potentially. We are well organised and we aren’t an easy side to break down, this is a FAR better starting position than where we were last Christmas under the American. I do expect us to keep frustrating sides and to keep picking up hard earned points, I then expect us to address our lack of creativity in January and the potential for a well organised side with a bit of added flair is huge……as we have seen before. It has been said by many fans that the team feels very much like it did under Pablo Sousa, we then needed Brendan to add the flair to the organised squad that took us to the next level; it will be a test for Clement to see whether he is able to add that flair or whether he is simply a manager who added what we needed at the time before somebody else added the next ingredients.

Cheers

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What is the point of it all??????

You wake up, have an avocado for breakfast (you don’t like it but it extends your increasingly dull life), catch a bus to work in an attempt to save the increasingly depressing planet before returning on that same bus to a house which you’ve mortgaged to the max because of a faint dream that one day life may get better! I can’t help but feel that this has become the Swans in recent years. I feel like the club is ‘trapped’ in the Premier League. We are fixated, our whole infrastructure of the club is so obsessed with the obscene amounts of money that the Premier League offers that we have reached a ‘survival at all costs’ scenario and that scenario requires the most boring and dull squad that this club has ever put together. But what is it all about right now? What are us fans getting out of it? What have we signed up for? If it is just about staying in the Premier League? Then is that it? And why do we really care about it? Swansea City is the only Premier League football club NOT to be televised in October or November. When SKY & BT Sport look at which teams will ‘entertain’ their viewers then we are bottom of that pile and is there any surprise? ‘Keep it tight lads’, shall we play 5 defenders and 3 defensive midfielders or 4 defenders and 4 defensive midfielders this week? Why would I want to watch that? Why do we watch it? I cheered when Newcastle scored against us and I’m so grateful that Alfie Mawson didn’t score a headed winner, the idea that we could have won that match and that the game plan could have come together with pats on the back to the managerial staff was sickening.

We work all week and if we are lucky then we get a few hours on a Saturday afternoon to enjoy; surely our priority then should be ‘to enjoy’! Does winning at all costs really do it for us fans? Is survival enough for us to continue to spend our hard earned and precious time following the club? These should be really simple questions, surely football is entertainment, fans spend their money to be entertained and not to simply sit content that another season of Premier League security is achieved regardless of ‘how’. It seems an age ago that the bulk of supporters felt genuinely happy. Off field antics, cashing in on our best players have coincided with supporters ‘getting used to’ playing the top teams; no longer is simply gracing the same pitch as Man United enough for us. Relegation doesn’t fear me, boredom does. We may well stay up this season, the approach from Paul Clement may well produce the best results (although we do currently sit in the relegation zone) but it has to be about more than just results; it has to involve entertainment for those who watch it.

There is a fundamental question which nobody really ever asks which is: why do we support a football club?

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Giovanni Savarese

Our 2000/01 season was a disappointing one which saw the Swans relegated back to the bottom tier of English football after just one season out of it. It was a campaign which started with optimism with the signings of David Romo and Giovanni Savarese but despite the later adapting well to English football, we couldn’t avoid the drop. The Venezuelan was a huge hit with the fans though and I managed to catch up with Gio and see how he is doing. You were one of a few bright lights in our relegation season, how do you remember your time at the Swans? For me it was a beautiful time there in Swansea. I connected with the town and the fans. I felt proud of representing Swansea, I felt that I understood the importance of club within the City and for me it was tremendous. It was a shame that we couldn’t save team from relegation. But I only have good memories. My daughter reminds me, she feels welsh as she was born there and so we always have that connection to the area as well. Did you follow how the club did after then? Always! I continued to follow the club from time I left up until right now. I played for a few clubs but for me Swansea is one of the clubs that I remember with the most appreciation. I loved how the people treated me, how I understood the importance of this club, it was all a tremendous experience. I followed the club through the difficult times, the good times, the stadium change, right up until the last game against Spurs. I’m guessing that you couldn’t have imagined us getting to the Premier League?

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Giovanni Savarese

It is incredible, I had the chance to visit the club when Monk was there and it was a great thing to see how many people who were still there in the organisation, behind the scenes. Their loyalty has been rewarded. It was a strange feeling seeing the stadium, old vetch is always a romantic story and we all have great memories of the place but it was amazing to see how far the club has progressed but still with those same people involved. How much coverage is there of the premier League there today? Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s incredible, every match! we follow every situation, every news story, NBC gives us the gift to watch every match. I can watch every game in my house, and analysis and everything. The coverage here is amazing, we are all very aware of everything that is going on in the Premier League. How did you become manager of the New York Cosmos? I was actually in the organisation, in charge of youth system and when new ownership came in, they sat down with me and gave me their ideas and proposed that I could be manager for the professional team which was to come out in 2013. It is what I love the most, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the direction I wanted and for me it was the right time to say yes and so for me it has been an easy decision. How does it work, I see you have a Spring season and then a Fall season, you currently lay 5th overall, what is the aim? The way it works is that there are 2 seasons but they all combine. If you win one season then you automatically quality for the semi final play off and will have home match. Then the highest placed overall gets the next 2 places. If you win the semi-final then you play in the final for the championship. We need to sneak up to 3rd or 4th but that is important for us.

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Giovanni Savarese

And then would you get promoted if you win the final? Sadly we don’t have promotion and relegation in the US yet and so there is no way of getting into the MLS. We have a really good history at the club and it is important for us to keep this going. How are the crowds doing? You have a lot of competition from other sports in the city and the Red Bulls and New York City, are the cosmos a bit of a sleeping giant at the moment? On the up? Must be a great club to be a part of? It is difficult because the competition is big, not only other sports, like the Yankees etc… but also in soccer we have the ones that you mention and so it is difficult to compete but we are doing well. On the field, we have beaten the Red Bulls and New York City more than they have us but it is a constant challenge off the field. Is it frustrating that your beating them but can’t play them? Exactly, we are beating them but there isn’t the situation for us to be able to play them regularly but the club has had its difficulties and it has been saved and so we need to be grateful for this. Do you keep in touch with anyone from the Swans from back then? There are a few friends that I’m still connected with. We had such an amazing group with great characters and I feel grateful for my whole time there. I’d like to connect with John Hollins more but I managed to catch up with him about 18 months ago. I speak with Alan Curtis who I respect very much, I think everyone who has ever been associated with the club has huge amounts of respect for him. A huge thanks to Gio for speaking with me. He’s a genuinely lovely bloke and professional, I have great memories of him as a player and I’d love to see back at the club one day.

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Swansea Jack

By Hari Powell.

Welcome to Lore Enforcement. A series of monthly articles that aims to spread a little knowledge about the rich local history of Swansea and the surrounding area, courtesy of Jackswan Magazine. I thought it best to start with a legend specific to the City centre itself, and considering the name of this magazine, I figured the city’s infamous hound would be a great place to start! Swansea Jack was a black retriever born in the early 1930’s. Similar in appearance to a flat-coated retriever Jack was mistakenly identified as a Newfoundland Dog despite being considerably smaller and lighter in build, possibly because he was reported to have been born in Newfoundland, Canada. Trivial things such as dog breeds and national identity would not have concerned Jack, who’s prime focus was saving lives. Living in the North Dock/ River Tawe area with his owner William Thomas, Jack became famous for his rapid response to cries for help, that would gargle from the perilous waters of Swansea’s seaside. Diving into the depths, Jack would pull sinking strugglers to safety at the dockside. It all began in June 1931, when Jack was a mere year old. His rescue of a local 12-year-old boy went unreported with his second save coming just a few weeks later when Jack rescued a swimmer from the docks in front of a crowd. This feat earned the canine a ’Silver Collar’ from the local council, and he also had his photo in the local newspaper. Surely bouncing from the amount of attention he got from his first 2 rescues, Swansea Jack committed the rest of his life to the cause. Our padded paw protagonist gained many accolades and awards during his tenure, receiving the ’Silver cup’ from the Lord Mayor of London, getting the prestigious ‘Bravest Dog of the Year’ award (1936) which was bestowed upon him by the London Star Newspaper, as well as being still the only dog to have been awarded two Bronze medals (‘the canine V.C’) by the National Canine Defence League (now known as the dog trust after being mistaken for a far-right fascist movement for dogs). Going on to have an illustrious career, Jack is reputed to have saved at least 27 lives in the brief 7 years that he was on this Earth, achieving more than most humans do in 70 (granted that’s about 49 in dog years). Swansea Jack died in October, 1937 after eating rat poison. F*#king rat poison. He saved 27 lives and we kill him with rat poison? Poor Jack. He thought he was being a hero but he is essentially like a rat that fixes traps. His burial monument, paid for by public subscription (and f*#king right too) is located on the Promenade in Swansea near St. Helen’s Rugby Ground. In 2000, Swansea Jack was named ‘Dog of the Century’ by New-found Friends of Bristol who train domestic dogs in aquatic rescue techniques. Legacy Although currently closed, there is a Swansea Jack pub in the city. A popular nickname for natives is “Swansea Jack”, with many believing that this name also stems from the famous dog. Others claim that it is from the nickname given to Swansea’s sailors, who had a reputation as skilled and dependable mariners. Another theory is that the coal miners of nearby coalfields called the miners from Swansea “Jacks” because their lunch-boxes were uniquely made of Swansea tin and called Jacks. For more information visit: https:// loreenforcement.wordpress.com

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16 Poppy Ban ....... or not? With our international teams now being able to wear a poppy on their shirt, we look back at Robin Hills reaction to the initial ban and how he feels they got it right then and therefore wrong now...... FIFA has earned itself a poor reputation over the years. Endemic and self-serving corruption, nepotism, insularity and a flimsy and inconsistent response to racism and absurd rules on player ownership are but a few ways the game’s global governing body have managed to veer from incompetence to moral bankruptcy. Most recently, they’ve managed to wind up the Home Nations by handing out fines for the display of “political symbols” during games around Remembrance Sunday. The FAW have been fined 20,000 Swiss Francs, ostensibly for fans having worn poppies to the game against Serbia, and for soldiers holding wreaths close to the pitch. Theresa May, Tracey Crouch, Iwan Roberts and many others were quick to add it to the list of signs of how badly led and divorced from the sport the governing body are, and to accuse FIFA of being disrespectful to those the poppy represents in remembrance. On this occasion, however, the reverse is true. For a start, FIFA have nothing formally to do with the prohibition in question or the sanction applied. The prohibition has been in place for players since 2007, when the Laws of the Game prohibited the players wearing political or religious symbols on any of the equipment listed in the Laws. Further, Regulation 60 (1) of FIFA’s Stadium Safety and Security Regulations prohibits the display of any religious or political symbol or message in or around the ground. Finally, 2 (c) of Annexe C of the same Regulations advises that the display of charitable or ideological material be forbidden as well as political and religious symbols as part of the conditions of entry. So the International Football Association Board, including representatives from the four Home Nations agreed to a change to the Laws which has been reflected in FIFA Regulations which the FAW and the other Home Nation associations agreed to, governing all official international matches they play. Then, during the week of the games, FIFA warned the Associations publicly of the sanctions that would follow, yet the Associations chose not to follow those warnings, obey the regulations or even advise fans of their existence and the consequences. Arguing against guilt and liability subsequently seems idiotic. Thus, FIFA’s newly independent Disciplinary Committee is now taking the blame on FIFA’s behalf for enforcing its own binding charter and FIFA Regulations that were, at least partly, drafted by the Associations complaining about them. So how clear do FIFA Regulations or the Laws of the Game have to be? How many examples of sectarian and political violence at football matches have to occur? Is it really FIFA’s duty to explain to the Prime Minister that the impartial, objective and neutral requirements of a law exist for a reason? For as much as the morbid cult of respect for an assumptive sacrifice is beginning to resemble the reverence that Fascism had for death and suffering in the name of the nation, it surely isn’t an enormous leap to see that Serbia, Germany and Ukraine might possess some rather inflammatory symbols that certain parties would be only to happy to see at all home sporting events, to which any argument that it’s “only” a symbol of remembrance would equally apply? That’s stopping in the borders of UEFA; the hostility between the Koreas or certain African and Middle-Eastern states is altogether more current. Fundamentally, is it really so difficult to understand that one of the few things FIFA can be credited with is moving away from administration that tended to produce one rule for one, and another for the rest? The fact remains that the poppy is but one symbol of remembrance, with a particular geographic and ethnic heritage, and totally incompatible with the demands of a global game. The question, then, is not whether banning the wearing of the poppy is sinister, but why and when it became normal to devote an entertaining and meaningless diversion, an escape from reality, to the symbolic resurrection of conscripts, patriots and misled youth. For all the ludicrous failings of FIFA throughout its history, this is one occasion when it has behaved exactly appropriately. By Robin Hill

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Mels Memories

As league football takes a break for World Cup qualifying, our talk with Swans legend Mel Nurse about football in his day. How good was the 1958 Wales team? Jack Helsey in goal, Stuart Williams right back, Graham Williams left back, who was centre half at the time? I was centre half but I didn’t go, Colin was there, there were a lot of players there Cliffy Jones, Roy Vernon? Ken Leek? It was a good team, we got to the quarter finals didn’t we, I know that there were some complications with Israel I think or whatever but we got there! I didn’t go on that trip! Do you know why? Because in Swansea, smallpox broke out. Honest, an outcry, people were dying. The prune as I was, I used to play miniature golf down Ashleigh road with my girlfriend, she’s my wife now, for the last 56 years but she was my girlfriend at the time, I’d just got out of the army and we were courting. I’ve gone down there and we have met another couple there, we got talking and that was that, the next thing we know he is in hospital. They were terry and Barbara and Barbara phoned us up and said that terry was in hospital ‘what is wrong with him?’ I can’t remember what it was, it wasn’t smallpox but we went to visit him in the hospital, Bridgend hospital and then a couple of days later a notice comes out ‘smallpox breaks out in hospital in Bridgend’. Panic station! I told everyone that I was up there last week, I should have kept my trap shut shouldn’t I, headlines in the paper in the evening post ‘Mel Nurse visits hospital with smallpox’ I felt like I couldn’t go outside the door. I couldn’t go anywhere. I remember that everyone was panicking to get vaccinated and everything else and I joined a queue in the Kingsway towards the police station and I stood in the queue and they all turned around and went ‘hello Mel’ and then realised what they had seen in the paper the night before and so they disappeared. That’s the quickest I have ever seen a queue go down!! I just walked straight in. I was confined to the house for two months. I couldn’t go anyway. So that cost you a world cup?

Well I am saying it did but I’m not sure because I had just been picked for the Welsh team. My first game was against England at ninium park. We drew one each, Brian Cloughs one and only game. He played twice for England but one was a friendly and the second one was that one against Wales at ninium park. I remember because I had nightmares about it, I was playing against England, my first international and i was playing against Cloughie and every time I played against Cloughie he would score goals, he was cunning and clever, sneak here and sneak there, he would let you go for the ball and tackle people and then he would sneak over there and the next minute ‘bang’ he would be there and score. Every time I played against him he would score!! Except for this day!!! I can remember going on the field with and saying that ‘I WILL KILL HIM, IF HE LEAVES THE FIELD TO GO FOR A TOILET THEN I AM GOING WITH HIM!’ I can remember me saying that to myself. Game kicks off anyway, he’s centre forward and I’m centre half and he gets the ball and pushes it backwards to someone and they send it out wide, Cloughie pushes into me to break off to create space in front but he wasn’t leaving me! I run with him and the ball goes on his chest and woosh I put six studs down his back!! I’d get a life sentence for it now!! He went flying through the air. The referee had just kicked off hadn’t he, it was so early in the game that he didn’t know what to do and so I got away with it. He never scored a goal and he never played another game. I had his son stay here years later when he was manager of Nottingham Forest sitting on that chair by there and he had a big range rover, his old man was Brian Clough, he had to have one!! So he is sitting there and my daughter is serving and she said to him ‘my father used to play and he played against your father’. ‘who is your father?’ he asked, the next thing and he’s on his mobile phone, I’m going back nearly forty years ago and he had a phone then, that’s how well off he was but he picks up the phone and he’s going ‘Dad, I’m in Swansea, I’m in this guesthouse and there is a young girl here who says that you played against her father; Mel Nurse’. ‘He’s a dirty bastard’ Brian Clough said.

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Jacket Potato Man: Morriston

Woodfield Street in Morriston has seen many changes over the last 30 years but one constant has been that you can always get a cracking jacket potato outside Wilko! (That sentence isn’t really true because it hasn’t been Wilko for 30 years but you know what I mean). This year ‘Jacket Potato Man’ won Jack Swans burger van or street food of the year award and they thoroughly deserved the accolade. Recently they have started offering hot dogs as well as potatoes which meant that I had to somehow sample a jacket potato (with chilli) and a hot dog in one sitting (tough job at times).. I got warned that the chilli was spicy (it was) but perfect in reality, left that nice taste in your mouth for a good few minutes afterwards. Potato is always perfectly cooked and the range of ‘toppings’ is immensely wide, 2 people ordered corned beef, cheese and beans when I was there (still not sure on that one....). I managed to get through the hot dog as well, I couldn’t bring myself to add any toppings to that but the award they won speaks for itself, how busy the place is says it all and I’ve personally been eating there for easily 15 years now and although the business was taken over last November..... it is the same top quality and you cannot go wrong!

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Vetch Field Memories

By Nigel Davies

3rd March 1978 Swansea City 3 v 3 Watford (Football League Division 4) Many of you will know and love the Swansea City fanzine ‘A Touch Far Vetched’. ATFV is entering a new golden era online and we are delighted to be able to bring you parts of it into Jack Swan magazine. Nigel Davies from ATFV starts off by looking back at Tosh’s thrilling first game as Swansea City manager… You can find more from Nigel and ATFV on www.atfv.co.uk. A topsy turvy season at Swansea City was heading for the buffers as, for a second time that term, Harry Griffiths looked to step down as manager. Harry’s advice to his Chairman Malcolm Struel was to find a young track-suited manager to take things forward. Having missed out on a couple of targets Struel thought he’d landed his man when Eddie McCreadie was approached, however after sitting in the stands for a game against Newport the ex-Chelsea manager decided to decline Struel’s job offer, jetting off instead to America to boss the Memphis Rogues. History will always look favourably on McCreadie’s snub as it opened the door for Struel’s ambitious fourth choice for the Swansea City manager’s job: John Toshack. At 28 years of age Tosh fit Harry Griffiths’ bill as a young track-suited manager and there was the added attraction of using his still considerable striking talents on the field too, and after three rebuffs Struel wasn’t to be denied again. On the 27th February 1978 Toshack was appointed player-manager with Harry Griffiths installed as his assistant and given a brief to turn a promising but floundering league position into promotion to Division 3.

Struel had pulled off a massive coup persuading a player still performing at the highest level to drop three divisions, swapping mighty Liverpool with all their resources for the raw potential in South Wales. Furthermore, Struel had pulled off a masterstroke in his negotiations with Liverpool, persuading his counterpart John Smith to waive the £80,000 asking price for Toshack in return for first option on talented young Swans Alan Curtis and Robbie James. Smith believed it was good business trading Toshack for first refusal on a couple of young stars in the making but Struel saw it differently, issuing a strong reassurance to worried fans that the local prospects wouldn’t be sold. “It’s not likely to happen,” he declared. “My thoughts on that subject are well known, but we agreed as a gesture of goodwill.” Having pretty much duped the Liverpool supremo, Struel sat back in satisfaction,

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Vetch Field Memories

By Nigel Davies

convinced he’d made the right appointment…oh how right he was! Toshack though would face a real baptism of fire in his first game as manager: a home contest against Watford, the division’s runaway leaders. The Hornets had dropped just 11 points all season and would severely test a Swans side that had crashed 2-1 to bottom side Rochdale a few days earlier, a fixture Tosh had watched from the stands. Watford would though be faced with a tougher challenge than the one Rochadale overcame with the Swans line up bolstered by the new player manager who would partner Alan Curtis up front. Curt, the division’s leading scorer, had made his return against Rochdale after missing 11 weeks through a hamstring injury and he’d bagged his 19th goal of the season in that 2-1 defeat. The prospect of Wales team mates Tosh and Curt teaming up at club level was a mouth watering one and just added to the general excitement generated by the former’s installation as manager. Tosh’s appointment coupled with top of the table opposition clearly captured the imagination of the Swansea public and more than 15,000 filed through the turnstiles to watch the new era kick off – the biggest crowd at the Vetch for six years. And Toshack couldn’t resist playing to the packed gallery before kick off, leading his team to the centre of the pitch and waving to the crowd, a gesture that brought a rapturous response from the terraces. The Teams Swansea City: Barber; Evans; Lally; May; Morris; Bartley; Moore; James; Curtis; Toshack; Charles Sub: Conway Watford: Not listed It took Toshack just a few minutes from kick off to show he wasn’t just bringing theatrics to the Swansea party as his enormous physical presence played

a part in his new side taking an early lead. Danny Bartley floated in the fourth minute corner and with Watford’s defence concentrating on keeping the giant Toshack subdued, Jeremy Charles ghosted in to connect with a solid header that cannoned back off the crossbar. Watford’s let off lasted just a fraction of a second though as Kevin Moore slid through the Vetch Field mud to stab home from five yards. The Toshack era had almost instant lift off and Watford simply couldn’t live with a Swans side infused with confidence and led by the hulking threat of their new player manager. The home side struck at their opponents time and time again with Tosh the target man causing mayhem in the Watford box, constantly knocking down quality ball for his partner Curtis and the dangerous Moore to run on to.

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Vetch Field Memories

Not even a debilitating knock to creative midfield influence Robbie James could knock the Swans out of their stride and it was only a matter of time before a second goal was scored. It eventually arrived a couple of minutes before the break and the crowd literally went wild when Toshack scored it. After collecting Bartley’s pass, he burst into the Watford box but appeared to have taken the ball too wide as he teased defender Ian Bolton into making a challenge. However, with the angle seemingly against him, Toshack’s vicious crossshot arrowed past Andy Rankin in the Hornets’ goal, the ‘keeper deceived by the slight deflection the ball took as Bolton made his challenge. Watford were staring their first defeat for five months squarely in the face but nobody could argue that a Toshack inspired Swans didn’t deserve to be two goals ahead. The fans rejoiced as the whistle announced the end of a first half the home side had dominated and they looked forward to more of the same in the second period. The turnaround in fortunes would leave them all stunned! Half Time Swansea 2 V Watford 0 With his side trailing by two and totally outplayed in the first half Watford manager Graham Taylor made a significant substitution at the start of the second, Wally Downes staying in the changing room and Luther Blissett taking his place on the park. The tactical change brought more width to the Watford attack and suddenly an all too comfortable Swansea backline was well and truly stretched and on the back foot. Just as Toshack had prospered in the first half from a glut of quality possession and service,

By Nigel Davies Watford’s own tall and imposing striker Ross Jenkins profited from the sudden change in fortunes and he set about spoiling the Swansea party by scoring one and creating another two in a devastating 27 minute spell. Watford’s first was of particular disappointment to Toshack as he held up his hand to take responsibility; slack marking on his part allowed Jenkins to get on the end of a Booth free kick to halve the deficit with 55 minutes on the clock. Watford were level ten minutes later thanks to fantastic flowing four man move that perfectly demonstrated why the away side were way ahead at the top of the table. It started when a Swans attack broke down, sweeper Pat Lally trying to take on one man too many; Roger Joslyn and Brian Pollard combined to set Jenkins away and his squared pass from the by-line was slammed in by the oncoming Mayes in emphatic fashion for the equaliser. By this time the Swans had lost the power and creativity of Robbie James in midfield, the knock he’d taken in the first half finally forcing him off in the second. With their opponents’

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Vetch Field Memories

By Nigel Davies

driving force now absent the Hornets confidently moved in for the kill. And sure enough the comeback was complete when Watford took the lead in the 82nd minute and again it was a Jenkins cross that did the damage, centre half Bolton popping up to drive the finish past the despairing dive of Barber in the Swans goal. A thrilling encounter had been turned on its head by a rampant second half showing by the best side in the division, but there was still time for the Swans to supply one more twist and salvage a well deserved point for Toshack in his first match. Once again it was a Danny Bartley delivery that brought rewards, another viciously inswinging corner piercing the heart of the Watford defence. The league’s leading scorer Alan Curtis stooped to conquer, Rankin powerless to prevent the striker chalking up his 20th goal of the season and the Swan’s third of a pulsating encounter. There was still time for late drama as Toshack was denied a late winner, yet another powerful header being nodded off the line by fullback Pritchard in the closing minutes, and Hornets hero Jenkins being stretchered off to hospital with a nasty ankle injury in stoppage time. The scores however remained locked at three goals apiece and at the final whistle a few hundred of the Jack Army swept onto the Vetch Field pitch to celebrate a well earned draw with their new hero Toshack. March 3rd, 1978

On This Day

One game in and the man that would provide so many high points in that glorious march from the Fourth to the First Division had already created an unforgettable Vetch Field Memory… Scorers: Swansea City: Moore (4) Toshack (43) Curtis (84) Watford: Jenkins (55) Mayes (65) Bolton (82)

Check Out www.ATFV.co.uk for more great Vetch memories and all things Swans related.

TV: Friday night was FUN night on the BEEB with The Good Life preceding Ronnie Barker’s Porridge spin-off Going Straight. ITV went looking for laughs too with Mind Your Language followed by black husband/white wife comedy Mixed Blessings. In the Charts: No. 1 Single - Take a Chance on Me by ABBA No.1 Album - Saturday Night Fever - film soundtrack In the News: Silent comedy met Silent Witness as Charlie Chaplin’s grave was found empty. The comedy genius’s body was stolen from its plot in a quiet little Swiss cemetery, robbed by two motor mechanics. The casket was eventually found 11 weeks later, reburied just a mile away, as police surveillance paid dividends when the Bulgarian and Polish mechanics tried to extort £400,000 out of Chaplin’s family for the body’s return.

Football Phrases

1. Corridor of uncertainty An ominous phrase, unashamedly stolen from cricket (football has always happily commandeered phrases from the wider world for its own use) and which fills most goalkeepers with fear on a Saturday afternoon. The “corridor of uncertainty” describes a very specific area of the pitch - straddling the six-yard line in front of goal - into which the ball is often aimed, with the sole purpose of worrying the opposition’s goalkeeper into making a terrible decision. 2. Denied by the woodwork There’s a curious strand of footballese that seems to attribute responsibility for scoring goals (or, indeed, missing them) to inanimate objects. The static goalframe itself - which is no longer made of wood, despite the charming phrase - is often said to “deny” a would-be goalscorer. If it keeps happening, a team’s goal is said to be “leading a charmed life”...until disaster strikes and they “contrive” to put the ball into their own net. 3. Aplomb A lovely word, used almost exclusively by football commentators who wouldn’t think of deploying it anywhere else in life. To “finish with aplomb” is to score a goal neatly, stylishly and with total authority. We all really need to be doing more things with aplomb. 4. Ploughing a lone furrow The most agricultural football phrase (except, perhaps, for the “agricultural” tackle, which nobody wants to be on the wrong end of) but it’s also tinged with sadness. Team tactics often mean one player has to lead the frontline all by themselves, which involves a lot of hard running with very little reward. The longer a player ploughs their lone furrow, the greater the chance that they will eventually start to “cut a forlorn figure.” 5. Ghosting in at the back post There are countless ways to describe the way a player moves around the pitch - some “scurry” or “scuttle”, others “glide” or “dart” - but there’s no more stealthily effective way to arrive on the scene than to “ghost in”. This most commonly occurs when the ball is crossed into the box, as a goalscorer creeps beyond the defence, undetected, to score. 6. The world at his feet Football has had a long-standing obsession with wonderkids, many of whom end up falling from grace and failing to fulfil their early potential. Such is the number of failed wonderkids that the phrase “the world at his feet” is more often used as a retrospective lament than a promise of future success. 7. Potential banana skin An appropriately slapstick reference that warns a big club that it won’t be easy against a lower-league team in the FA Cup, a competition in which we are often reminded that “anything can happen.” 8. Catalogue of errors Football enjoys its collective nouns - a “flurry” of yellow cards here, a “hatful” of chances there - but none are more devastating to their subject than a “catalogue of errors”. Once again, it’s usually the poor goalkeepers who are affected by this, after they’ve dropped enough crosses and spilled enough shots that their mistakes have to be collected in a proverbial catalogue. 9. Dreaded vote of confidence The “vote of confidence” that an under-pressure manager gets from his chairman has become such a harbinger of doom (they tend to get sacked soon afterwards) that is has evolved to become the “dreaded vote of confidence”.

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34 Football Phrases 10. Come-and-get-me plea The “come-and-get-me plea” is issued by a player desperate to be allowed to leave for a more illustrious club. It often comes in a two-for-one deal with its hyphenated cousin, the “hands-off ” warning, which is the standard, no-nonsense response from the club who don’t want to sell him. 11. Disciplinary tightrope A precarious place to be, especially if you’ve picked up a yellow card early doors. From then on, you’re walking the disciplinary tightrope, a rather too dainty a task for the clumsy defenders out there. Does going first in penalties mean you win? Maths whizz and football aficionado Rob Eastaway explains all. 12. Almighty goalmouth scramble Goalmouth scrambles - a perfect few seconds in which one team’s desire and ability to score is perfectly matched with the opposition’s desire and ability to stop them - are a life-affirming spectacle. Any goalmouth scramble that goes on for long enough earns the suffix “almighty”, and deservedly so. 13. The managerial merry-go-round Sadly just a figure of footballing speech, rather than an actual fairground ride used exclusively by out-of-work football managers. As a results business, the turnover of managers is unusually high, which keeps the merry-go-round turning all year round. 14. Unceremoniously dumped Remember that “potential banana skin”? Slipping on one of those usually results in one of the big boys being “unceremoniously dumped” out of the FA Cup. Apart from anything else, the phrase just has a lovely rhythm to it. 15. Silence the boo-boys On the face of it, booing is a very strange thing. While it sounds quite impressive when thousands of people are doing it in unison, the idea of one grown-up human being being compelled to shout “BOOOOOOOOO” is very odd indeed. Anyway, these “boo-boys” (why not boo-girls, or boo-people?) exist purely to be silenced, usually when the target of their pantomime fury scores a goal against them.

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Answers on page 98: 1)

Who are the only team in the English and Scottish leagues who has a ‘J’ in their name?

Which British club has won the European Cup more times than their own league?

What is the only team in the English & Scottish leagues whose name starts with 5 consonants?

Who is the only player to score in a Manchester, Merseyside and Glasgow derby?

5) Who is the only player to score a hat-trick in the Premiership, Championship, League 1, League 2, the League Cup, the FA Cup and for his country 6) Which player has played in the North London, Merseyside, Manchester derbies, has won the Premiership, FA Cup, Champions League and European Championship? 7) Who has played in The Premiership, Divisions 1, 2 & 3, The Conference, The Champions League and the UEFA cup? 8)

What was the score in the biggest Premiership ‘home’ win? And who was playing?

9) Which player has played in the, Merseyside derby, North London derby, Milan derby, Munich derby and the North East derby?

10) Whose one2eleven is this? (best players that they have played with chosen by him) Really tough one this!!

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52 Mind Puzzles (answers on page 98) 1)

How much dirt is there in a hole that measures 2 feet wide by 3 feet long and 4 feet deep?

2) Anne’s mom had 3 kids, the first was named April, the second was named May. What was the third one named? 3)

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world?

What word in the English language is always, no matter what, spelled wrong?

Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white”?

The more of this you take, the more you leave behind.

7) What is this:- knee LIGHT 8) 9)

And this one:

VEL

What makes more noise dead than alive?

10) If you throw me off a high building, I will not break. If you place me in the ocean, I will disintegrate. What am I? 11) You are the bus driver. At your first stop, you pick up 29 people. On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive. At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on. On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on. What is the color of the bus driver’s eyes? 12) A man and his son had a terrible car accident and were rushed to the hospital. The man died on the way, but the son was still barely alive. When they arrived, an old gray surgeon was called in to operate. Upon seeing the young boy, the surgeon said, “I can’t operate – this is my son.” How is this possible? 13) A man was killed on Sunday morning. His wife found the body and called the police. The police arrived and questioned the chef, maid, butler, and gardener. Their alibis were: Chef – making breakfast Maid – getting mail Butler – setting table Gardener – watering plants The police immediately arrested the criminal. Who was it and how did they know? Answers on page 98

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60 Geraint Goodridge Catch up We had a lot of interest in our last interview with new proffesional local boxer Geraint Goodridge. So much so that we decided to meet up with him again.... (before he gets too big time for us and all that!!!) What has happened since we spoke last? It has been quite promising to be honest. Apart from the fight which we spoke about which was sadly off due to injury. I had a call one Wednesday from Jamie Arthiur who is my promoter and trainer asking me if I would box on that Friday up in Bristol and I said yes, I was on weight anyway and managed to go up and I won so that is 2 professional fights and 2 wins. 2 days notice for a fight? That isn’t much at all is it? No it wasn’t but I’m always ready. I like to stay fighting fit and so I’m always available for a short notice fight, whether that be locally or further afield. And you have a local one coming up, when is that again? I’ve got one coming up on the 21st October now, in the LC2 in Swansea, tickets are £35 standard and £50 ringside. I’m back home now and so I’m hoping to get the local support to get me on my way with another win. There are 10 fights on the night, some really good boys who I was in the Welsh squad with, Kody Davies making his debut, expecting big things from him, Meredith Thomas is a good pall of mine, was in the Welsh squad with him and Kieran Gething. I think there are a few boys from Swansea; Chris Jenkins the rock’n’roller I’m not sure who else is on the card but just them 4 would be really good to watch. You’ve gone from football to boxing at 28, Rio Ferdinand is doing it at 38, what advice have you got for him? I won’t be able to give much advice because I’m

not a coach but I know it is a lot different from football. Obviously the training, I know Rio trained hard all his life but it is a lot different, more intense, I’m a lot fitter now than when I was playing football. Obviously in football you don’t get punched in the face and if you roll around in football then the ref gives a yellow card, none of that in boxing! How are you finding getting hit? You showed me your nose earlier I suppose you get used to it, the fitter you are the more shots you get you get used to. It’s not nice obviously; anyone who says that they like being hit has totally lost their marbles. I got caught in the 2 fights I’ve had but always had that fighter’s mentality and know how to dig in. That’s what brings the best out of me as a fighter, to go through the barrier and push on. I feel I have that finishing instinct now to, I’ve got that control in the ring, I know when somebody is in trouble and also when to stay and box. You said last time about increasing the rounds; do you tactically manage your rounds? Jamie is very good with that. I train longer than 4

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rounds now, I finish strong late, if I do eight or ten rounds sparing then I’m always finishing strong and so I think the longer rounds will suit me, I m hoping to increase it. I want a Welsh title and I’m looking to box for that on the turn of the year and that will be a 10 rounder so I need to increase it up to 6 and then 8. I’d fight anyone for the Welsh title, whether its at middle or super middle weight Do you plan the actual round? The 3 minutes, do you go big at start or at end? How does it work? Mike Tyson said ‘everyone has a plan until they get hit in the face’. No, with the 4 rounder’s you have only got 12 minutes, which doesn’t sound long but you have to give everything you have. A good coach will then change it up as you have longer rounds, you need to change it up and plan your energy. Want to talk to you about the Conner McGregor fight because that happened since we spoke last, what did you think of it? I got caught up in the hype of it all, in the end, maybe I was a bit stupid but I thought McGregor was going to knock him out Yeah, didn’t I see you change your profile picture to the Ireland colours or something? Haha, umm yeah.. I got a bit of stick for that. I shouldn’t have, I’m a bit of an idiot haha. I can relate to him with his fighting spirit and his belief though. I believe 100% that I will get a Welsh title and I will do everything possible, train 4 times a day in order to get that and I have a huge amount of respect for McGreggor for that. Finally, the Goody fan club

is on the up I hear. More people following you, watching you? Yeah, thanks a lot to Jack Swan magazine for getting behind me, I’ve had a lot of the Jack army add me on facebook. Please keep doing that, always great to hear from you. I’m boxing in Swansea and love the local support. I’m on instagram now, Geraint Goodridge, I’m on facebook as ‘Geraint Goodridge pro boxer’ page too. Add me, get in touch for tickets. I’d like to thank my main sponsor Mortgage Sure in Caerphilly and I’d also like to thank Welco Construction and Scaffolding. I’d also like to request some more sponsors to please ! Big thanks to Goody, he’s definitly on the rise and a great bloke to!!

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I first got introduced to Brownsters five or six years ago as one of the best places for a good breakfast in the valley and it can certainly still boast that. Every part of the breakfast is good, feels clean both within the cafe and when you are eating the food; you don’t feel like you are eating an unhealthy fry-up. Every item of the breakfast is good but the bacon is the best bacon you will find on any breakfast anywhere. It is like gammon and has been for the whole time that I have eaten there. Brownsters has become renowned for its beautifully thick slices of bacon and there are countless breakfast options but I always opt for the one which has the more slices on it. It is usually busy (a good sign) but it’s bustling too, a real community feel to the place, whether for breakfast or lunch. I was introduced to it and I’m grateful that I was; I’m introducing you to it here and I am certain you will enjoy!

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68 Shit You Should Know Lions roaming Dan Y Ogof! I’d like to know the idealistic point in time when Britain was ‘Britain’ in the eyes of Nigel Farage and co while they proudly sing our British anthem to our German monarchy. From the Vikings to the Romans to William the Conqueror or all the way back to a few hundred Africans leaving the continent who became the bloodline to every non-African on the planet. In fact, every European alive today (including British people) is related to every single European alive in the 12th Centaury (whose bloodline survived,……had kids who had kids etc…)… How about that for a fact Nigel? Anyway…… It isn’t the first time ‘man’ has driven living things off this island; We used to have lions until very recently in real terms. Cave lions died out in the UK around 12 to 14,000 years ago, a relative blink of the eye in evolutionary terms and their extinction coincides with the point humans were getting into farming as the ice retreated from northern hemispheres. The earliest homo-sapien fossils date from around 200,000 years ago, but our ancestors were making fire and hunting animals some 1.5 million years ago, so we lived alongside lions in Europe for quite some time and if circumstances had been different for the cave lion, a trip to the high street might be a whole different affair. From skeletons found across Europe, we know these lions were up to 25 per cent bigger than a lion you might see in Kenya and thanks to primitive man’s desire to decorate his caves, we have a pretty decent idea what they looked like. Males had little or no mane, their tails were tufted and bodies had faint stripes.

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70 Shit You Should Know They lived in prides, they hunted northern Europe’s mega fauna (deer, elk, bison, horses) and while genetically they are considered a separate sub species, if you found one going through your bins, you’d be in no doubt what you were looking at. Bad to be big So what happened to the cave lion? As ice retreated from the northern hemispheres the quaternary extinction event took place but the jury is out as to what caused it. One thing is for sure, it was a bad time to be a big mammal. The woolly mammoth, woolly rhinoceros, Irish elk, scimitar cat, cave bear, cave hyena and the steppe bison all went extinct from northern Europe during this time. This era also saw the end of Neanderthal man. There are 2 main theories (and a few, less well supported ones), behind the quaternary extinction. Firstly, it was us. We were certainly there at the time and the cave lion’s extinction coincides with the start of our technological revolution. Also cave art and archaeological digs show that our ancestors hunted, or at least defended themselves from lions in Europe, and used their bones. However while these ancestors were developing fast, could they have wiped out quite so many species? The other main theory is climate change. Temperatures rose by around 6C in 5000 years and leaving many large animals living in rapidly changing environments, still wearing their best winter coats. The change in climate would usually have seen the larger and more exotic animals of Africa descend onto a warmer Europe as we have seen in previous warm times. In fact there is a bridge over the Thames in London with a statue of a Hippo whose fossil remains was found in the river below it. Such animals were unable to re-habbit north due to how well humans had colonised the whole region. Basically, the shit you should know is that this island is a never ending and constantly changing place which has seen Lions and Hippos come and go, you will come and go, I will come and go and we have no more right to it than the next person…….. or Lion!

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With Halowwen approaching I thought it be good to do a ghost hunt. You may remember that a couple of years ago I wrote in here about my trip up the Brecon Beacons looking for UFO’s, today I am writing about my trip up the Brecon Beacons looking for ghosts; the Beacons is far more than just outstanding scenery! My opinions of both UFO’s and ghosts are very similar, (well they were before the ghost hunt; I won’t give anything away) I believe that there are loads that science and we don’t understand and that it is arrogant to dismiss anything on face value. Having said that, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that little green men pop to Somerset just to leave some crop circles before going home and there is a limit to what I believe I could find on a ghost hunt to. Am I a sceptic? Yeah, of course but that is surely a good thing, I won’t believe anything until I see it with my own eyes; I’m not convinced Australia exists! I’m sceptical of most things in reality but open minded at the same time. I went hoping to find something, hoping to have new questions but needing to see anything with my own eyes and prove it myself. Craig Y Nos castle is renowned for being haunted, as a fellow sceptic said to me ‘if there are going to be spirits anywhere then this is the place!’, it has the wonderful mixture of being both absolutely stunning while also having a mysterious side to it and I learned more about this as the night went on. The castle regularly put on ghost hunt packages and we popped up to their Halloween one which was about £160 per couple and consisted of a night stay at the castle, with a three course meal, breakfast the next morning and the ghost hunt which was pretty decent price in reality (the three course meal and breakfast is reviewed in Jack Swan eats food this issue; two birds one stone and all that). I know Craig Y Nos reasonably well and I didn’t feel too worried about heading up there at any point during the days leading up to it, I laughed it off in reality, I am a sceptic after all! We turned up about half an hour before we were set for food and were shown to our room right at the top of the castle. I must confess that I was starting to get that anxious feeling; I’m not saying that I was feeling spirits already but I was starting to doubt my scepticism. The place did feel a bit eerie and I was starting to get the chills. Our group were to start from the top of the castle and work our way down. We got taken up some stairs and past where you could see the nice part of the castle ended; the whole castle which is viewed is wonderful,

well kept, lovely wooden floors and fancy paintings; we had gone past that bit and were now into the dusty and unloved part of the castle, you won’t find any Wedding receptions up here! No electric and so torch light was needed, we stopped at the top of some wooden stairs and you could see half broken walls and holes in the ceiling, I’m not sure this would pass a 2015 health and safety check in reality. We got told that this was the children’s ward of a TB hospital and that we were going to go into one of the rooms and try and communicate with some of the children who had spoken to our guides in the past. I’m not going to lie to you; I was becoming less sceptical and was starting to brick myself. We went into a fairly small room which was totally wrecked, damp, half knocked down walls and there was a bat crawling around in the middle of the ceiling. We got told to hold hands in a circle and then all torches were turned off. The guide says ‘spirits, we bring you no harm; we just want to communicate with you’. Once again, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m seriously bricking it now!! It is totally pitch black, I’m not sure I could find my way back to civilization, my brain still has this sceptic side to it which I keep repeating to myself but at the same time I am in a cramped room at the top of a haunted castle and we are attempting to summon the spirits. ‘Give us a sign, any sign’ says the guide. Nothing, but then one woman says she sees a little light, the woman next to her does too, I’m thinking that the two ladies were planted there, I am a sceptic after all but then I see the same light. It flickers every now and then and then disappears, a small green light. I’m ten minutes into a five hour ghost hunt and I’m already ready to go home! I pluck up the courage and ask if anyone minded if I followed the light the next time I saw it, the guides agreed.

Jack Swan Tries

I see the flicker and I bravely (VERYbravely!!!) head for the light, ( I need to prove anything myself!!) it is totally pitch black but for this small green light, I get closer to it and it disappears before reappearing; I get really close and grab it, to which somebody goes ‘that is my watch!!’ The same thing happens in the next room with someone else’s watch; if you go; don’t wear a watch with a light on it OR do as it is quite funny. We then go into the main part of the disused and unloved hospital. We get told of some of the horrific ways that they used to treat TB and some of the tragic ways that some of the children died there. Two props are set up, one which is pretty much a light show of a disco which would show up any spirits that passed it and another detects a dramatic change in temperature at a certain spot; made by Black and Decker (made it seem trustworthy!!). We sit in a sofa next to the trusty Black and Decker ghost hunting tool, a green light is the standard constant and a change to blue or red signals a dramatic change in temperature which could mean that a spirit is nearby. Our guide asks a few questions and the light briefly changes red, something has warmed up where the tool is pointing, he asks more questions and it changes again but no more. We take a break as the bar has last orders at eleven and so we retreat back to safety and the posh castle. It is good to speak with the rest of the group, compare stories and pretend to still be completely sceptical and brave. The

pint helped!! The four pints before we started helped even more! The Dutch courage is a good tactic but for the fact that you have to release your alcohol in the most haunted part of the building. The toilets are renowned for it; I survive this round! One of the group dismisses our Black and Decker breakthrough, saying that there were drafts coming through the broken walls and ceilings; I was happy with any theory which explains it!

After the break we headed down, down into the cellar. As we head down we are told of how Madam Patti died. Madam Patti was an opera singer back in the day and was world renowned, incredibly wealthy; she owned the castle and made it beautiful. There are hundreds of pictures of her throughout the place and as many stories too. She died in the castle; falling down the stairs!

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78 Jack Swan Tries So we hear this as we are heading down the stairs into the cellar. We sit around a little storage room and again call the spirits to show us that they are there but there is no answer, the sense of any spirits present go fairly quickly here and Stephen senses that there aren’t any spirits here at this time and so we moved on. We moved back up and then over and back down so that we are sitting underneath the theatre. The room feels reasonably comfortable, there are chairs and a table set out and Stephen tells us that we are to sit around the table with our hands on it and allow the spirits to use our energy to move the table. He has had ‘some great’ results here doing this! Sceptical Jack Swan is kicking in again at this moment, am I slightly worried? Yeah of course but my logical brain is telling me firstly that I’m not convinced that this is possible and secondly that I want to be sitting at that table if anything does happen as I won’t believe jack sh!t if I’m not! We had to split into two groups to go around the table and so I watched the first group as they pleaded with the spirits to show us something. Nothing, now it was my turn. We go through the same routine; each person on the table asks the spirits in their own way to show us a sign. Some asked with fear, some nervously and others pleaded to be touched! But the downstairs of the castle had been lacking in paranormal activity. We headed back into the theatre and met up with the other group to compare stories and to try one last séance which also gave no results. The other group seemed to have experienced more which is deemed unexplainable but I don’t care about other groups; unless I saw it myself then I’m not buying it!

Stephen explains at the end that everything we see is real, if he could guarantee that we would see something then he would be a billionaire because it would clearly be groundbreaking but he would never trick anyone into thinking anything and I could see and respect that. I must admit that my opinion hasn’t really changed on the whole ghost thing (as it didn’t on the UFO thing). Are there ghosts? Who am I to say! I was chatting with one of the other members of the group before we went out and we both said that it is what it is and it has always been. Scientifically, you can’t destroy energy, what are we? Do we simply die and that is that? And nobody can answer those questions 100% and so there will always be the prospect that ghosts of some sort exist in my opinion. Are they in Craig Y Nos castle? Possibly and although I didn’t see any I had a fantastic night looking for them. It was really good fun and I can imagine that it would be very different depending on what kind of group you are in. We were generally a very chilled out group who were there to have fun and enjoy and seeing a spirit would have been a nice bonus. I am sure that there are other groups which are far more serious, intense and worried and that is probably as enjoyable in a different way. I would go again, I would recommend it, I think you can just do the tour without the food and overnight package which is obviously a lot cheaper but the whole experience and then sleeping in that very castle after the ghost hunt is advised if possible. Let me know if you see anything although I won’t believe you anyway!!

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Jack Sounds:

Album Review

I first encountered Chris Noir doing an elegant acoustic set at one of the singer/songwriter nights at Mozart’s earlier this year. I think I was playing that night as well, but the events are a bit hazy in my memory, probably because Gower Gold. From what I can recall though, through the fog, I thought he had a bit of a folky vibe, with a thread of 90’s Americana running through it. Very composed, pleasant and easy on the ear. No shouting. Looked healthy too, the bastard. The next time I saw him playing, he was doing a more cover-heavy set at that new place on Castle Street that sells all the fancy, expensive beer, where he was being roundly ignored by the Saturday night crowd – excepting the small bunch of weirdos I was out boozing with. I think it’s always a good measure of a musician to see how they react to the indifference of an audience that’s more out for the beer and the talk than the music, particularly when they’re playing solo; some people get depressed, some get surly; some just get on with it. I once watched a singer completely and spectacularly lose his shit with a club full of people who were ignoring him and his act, ranting and raving and calling them all the tasteless, ignorant bastards under the sun. Can’t say it helped him much.

But Chris, professional as he showed himself to be, carried on regardless, keeping up a steady stream of originals and covers, delivered in an understated and quietly sincere manner, whilst all around him people babbled at each other over the tops of their four-and-a-half-fucking-quid pints, creating a buzz of noise that all but drowned him out. Ah, the glorious life of the gigging musician…my favourite bit is the carrying of heavy, oddly-weighted amps up several rambling flights of narrow stairs…either that, or the sudden, unexplained, electronic gremlins that threaten to sabotage an entire night just ten minutes before the show starts, which just as inexplicably resolve themselves fifteen minutes later – but not before taking two or three years off your life in stress and howling panic. Anyway, what with all this relentless moaning, this seems a good time as any to talk

Ok, I admit it. It was me. What can I say? I’m a passionate guy; it must be the Italian.

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Jack Sounds:

Album Review

about one of the better bits of being a gigging, writing musician; namely, the process of getting those damn songs recorded, in a manner which satisfies your imagination and does justice to the songs themselves. These days it’s easier than it’s ever been, with the availability of cheap, easyto-use recording software, together with the existence of online platforms that can make your music instantly available to anyone in the world two minutes after you’ve hit “save” for the final time. Amazing! Man, that would have seemed like witchcraft 20 years ago…in fact, I’m happy to state here and now that I’d have sold both my grandmothers into slavery in half a heartbeat to be able to do that in 1996. Lucky for them, eh? The point of all this discursive rambling is to touch upon the “DIY” or “bedroom” genre, which has rapidly expanded in the last few years, ever since the aforementioned technological advancements have reduced in price to the point where they’re pretty much affordable to all. Which brings me nicely back to Chris Noir’s EP, “Life is for midnight”, which is a fine example of the genre. Recorded over Spring/Summer this year, in his bedroom, this six-track collection is exquisitely recorded and performed, with an intimate and personal feel that draws the listener in and never

sounds like anything less than a professionally recorded piece of work. Opening track, “Weeks of Winter”, is a sweet and honest love song that’s probably the most sparsely accompanied song on a collection that fairly drips with little musical details. It starts the EP off in a melancholic mood, with the writer lamenting the absence of his partner, but maintaining time is of no matter, because he can wait. It’s a lovely ballad, to be fair, and it leads nicely into what is one of my favourite tracks on here, “Shiver” – a much more riffy and weirdly arranged track, where pianos and ambient noise swirl and squiggle around a dead-straight guitar line like musical fog, before giving way to a pretty “four-to-the-floor” chorus that really does kick some ass. It’s a great, hooky tune. Nice vocals too. It’s a bit grungy, I suppose, with indie tinges. Imagine a mix of early Smashing Pumpkins and Coldplay, if such a thing could exist. Next up is a tune called “Long Weekend”, which is a much more cheerful and poppy number, though not without a little edge. The beat is great is on this track, a lovely, skittering, off-beat rhythm that goes straight to your shoulders, then straightens

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84 Jack Sounds:

Album Review

up when the chorus – a melodic and sweet affair, accompanied by chiming guitar parts and more keyboard squiggles – rolls in. There’s a lot of thought that’s gone into recording these songs; there are lovely, little details that you might not pick up on with the first listen, but gradually reveal themselves with repeated spins. I think this is one of the great things about recording stuff yourself: you’re not ‘on the clock’, so you can spend time getting it all JUST right, and you’ve got the opportunity to really consider what little changes might improve things. The title track is up next, which comes across to me as two-and-a-bit minutes of whimsy that swirl past without leaving much trace or memory. It’s a strange one this; I kind of like it, because the melody jars, but I’m not entirely sure I see the point of it. But what do I know, right? Have a listen yourself and make up your own mind. The next track is called “Separate”, and is a far more ambitious affair that wanders around in a manner as discursive as

something written by me. I can hear the influences of The Cure, Smashing Pumpkins, Jeff Buckley, Eliot Smith mash together in a great gumbo of styles. Good track, this – it shows Chris’ influences and range, as well as his knack for writing a good chorus and arranging the shit out of a tune.

It’s not quite my favourite though, because that’s the tune that finishes up this little journey. “Cellar Door” is that phrase that people use to demonstrate the magic possibilities of the English language; apparently, it’s very pleasing to say. I’d like to offer up my own personal favourite word in English at this juncture – after all, when will get this chance again – which is “susurrus”, another name for a heat-haze. Anyway…fuck me, I’m getting worse…I really like this track. It’s a bit poppy for my usual tastes, but it has a ring of sincerity about it, and a lovely chord progression that reminds me a bit of early Radiohead. There’s a great breakdown bit in it where everything goes a bit soul. Crying out for a saxophone... but instead we get a great, chunky, wonky guitar solo that makes it sound

like The Pixies doing Motown for a few, strange seconds. It’s a great way to end a fine collection of songs by an obviously very talented songwriter and performer. You can listen to/purchase “Life is for midnight” at http://chrisnoir.bandcamp.com/ and I strongly suggest you do so…maybe on one of these cold winter evenings, wrapped up warm with someone you love – or, indeed, is just around the place with time on their hands. Get a hot drink (or a good whisky) and relax.

http://www.facebook.com/ chrisnoirmusic Chris Noir | Facebook http://chrisnoir.bandcamp.com Life is for Midnight, by Chris Noir chrisnoir.bandcamp.com 6 track album

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As Halloween is approaching I thought I would be FRIGHTFULLYhelpful with some ideas on keeping the children entertained whilst you watch the Match. Halloween is a month long affair in this house, don’t be afraid to start the theme as early as you want and stretch it out Build a Halloween den What you need String/wool Plas�c ghosts, spiders, pumpkins, skulls etc. Co�on wool Using either string or wool make a ‘spider web’ in the room and get the children to hang decora�ons from it. They can also open up co�on wool balls to add to the spooky eﬀect. Encourage them to read spooky stories or even make them up. Add a spooky lucky dip, place some plas�c toys or Halloween treats into a bowl , add co�on wool and cooked spaghe� ( we dye ours red) and see what they can ﬁnd. Halloween Games There are lots of free colouring in templates on line, print some off, add crayons and place them into the spooky den. Bobbing apples, quick to set up ,and a fun and easy ac�vity, you could even add a blind fold to make it a li�le harder. Dress up as a Mummy: give your children a roll of toilet paper each and tell them to dress each other up as Mummy’s. If your child is an only child you get to be the Mummy

Pumpkin Carving Pumpkin carving is always a great ac�vity and can last for ages. Encourage your child to draw a picture on to it and help to carve it out. For younger children accessorise your pumpkin with Mr. Potato head body parts.

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