VOLUME XXII ISSUE V
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SATIRISE - ONLY 47P!
BERTIE AHERN
“INSERT DA LOAN IN ME LEFT POCKET” PAGE 3 This week PROCRASTINATORS UNITE. TOMORROW INTERNET ADDICTION COURSE TO BE OFFERED ONLINE BLACK MAN REACHES THE WHITE HOUSE LOOKING FOR CHANGE CONFUSION AS SINGER RAISES WHITE FLAG BEFORE GOING DOWN WITH SHIP APPLE NI TO LAUNCH I-PROD ORANGE LOCAL PLUMBER IMPLICATED IN BUMG ENQUIRY
They Don’t feel like bleedin’ dancin’ SCORES of angry punters will get a full refund from MCD after an embarrassing cock-up resulted in murderous Scissor Sisters Charlotte and Linda Mulhall performing a gig instead of the popular US disco mangirls. Chaos ensued at Dublin’s Academy as the Mulhalls – currently serving time for butchering their mother’s boyfriend – appeared on stage looking confused before becoming irate amid heckles from an angry audience. “I didn’t know what the hell was going on,” a startled Charlotte told the Turbine last night. “I have no idea what they were on about. They were screaming stuff at me about dancing but sure I didn’t feel like bleedin dancing either.” A spokesperson from MCD admitted that an investigation into the blunder would take place. Insult was added to injury when Linda waded into the crowd to deliver retribution upon a punter she was convinced had called her ‘filthy.’ “Early on, we knew something was up,” said an insider. “We were told
to expect outrageous outfits and a bit of attitude, but from the first time we met the girls we knew something was up. “Normally, for stars like that, they look for a rider like lavish amounts of champagne or alcohol or food or whatever else takes their fancy. But when we contacted what we thought were the Scissor Sisters, all they wanted was ten boxes of fags and a small mobile phone. “Sure, we thought their entourage was a bit strange but then how were we supposed to know they were real prison guards. We just assumed they were dancers in uniform. You know, the gay type.” Fuming fans called the Turbine last night demanding, somewhat unfortunately in the circumstances, that heads should roll for the faux pas. Celebrities have also lined up to voice their disgust. “I think it’s just terrible,” said Afternoon Show host Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh. “By the way, what are we talking about?”
Men’s Studies to be for 2009, feminists typically unhappy The Turbine has discovered that from September 2009 a new subject, Men Studies, is to be introduced. It will be administered by the Arts Faculty and will be available to both sexes, not just to men as its title suggests. This addition to the Arts portfolio comes following a recent tirade of sexist protests and complaints made regarding society posters. Once the issue of sexism on campus had been raised the Arts faculty were left with no choice but to whip together a course about men, on the basis that there is of course a Woman’s Studies course. When asked about this rushed introduction of a subject Aidan O’Dee was unavailable for comment, he is rumoured to be in Wexford looking for a deposit, however his significant other, Dan O’Neill was happy to state, “Yeah its brilliant finally a subject for us men! Really shows those sex-
ist female wagons with their Women Studies.” As of yet, details regarding the new subjects’ modules are vague, however, following a brief interview with Philip Nolan, the university registrar, The Turbine can now reveal that two of the modules on offer will be; Introduction to the G-Spot and Dealin’ with Yo Ho’. Mr. Nolan had this comment to add, “I can’t believe they brought this in, its idiotic. I am so sick of hearing about sexism, they should just shut up and get on with their studies, God knows they won’t get by on their looks” While the announcement of the course has been met with a somewhat predictable indifference by male students, feminists throughout campus are outraged by the courses introduction. Jane Plain, a prominent militant feminist, has condemned the new
course stating, “This course is a slap in the face for us women, if the men are to now have their own course than in the interest of equality we should have one more than them.” Following this statement Ms. Plain went on to announce that her and her compatriots would boycott the new course. When questioned about the alleged boycott, the head of the new depart-
ment made this comment, “I do not care, I wouldn’t want those Dr. Martin wearing freaks in my lectures anyway, less work for me now so.” The feminist are not the only campus group outraged by the new course, the LGBT are also deemed to be “throwing a tantrum” over its inclusion. Frank “Tinkerbell” Jones, LGBT spokesgirl, told The Turbine, “ This is like a total like you know disgrace. Oh my god I am like so so so so so close to crying about this. Its like silly, as in silly billy. Will there ever like be a Gay Studies? Like I already have like a Masters in that, I would rock at Gay Studies!” At this point Mr. Jones broke into spontaneous song and dance so a concrete clarification regarding the LGBT’s stance on the course could not be attained but it certainly seems like he was unhappy about it.