VOLUME XXII ISSUE III
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SATIRISE - ONLY 47P!
NOEL GALLAGHER “IT’S TRUE, CLIFF RICHARD IS MY HERO” PAGE 3 This week GOLDEN PARACHUTES ‘UNRELIABLE’ SAY SCIENTISTS SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH - EXPERTS SAY PANDA MATING FAILS - VET TAKES OVER SPACE IS STILL A HIGH PRIORITY, DECLARE NASA TRAVELLER LEADER TO RESIGN SAYING ‘IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON’
Weather DRY OR WET TODAY, DARK TONIGHT
Se-X Factor RTÉ are set to launch a new reality TV competiton after realising that You’re a Star and Celebrity Jigs and Reels were absolutely dreadful and nobody ever watched them. An RTÉ spokesperson says, “We’ve had to come to terms with the fact that Irish viewers couldn’t give a rat’s ass about singers and dancers, so we came up with the idea for Se-X Factor, and we’re hoping to get started on auditions before Christmas.” Se-X Factor will follow the same format of ITV’s X Factor, in which there’ll be open auditions, followed by a boot camp, before contestants are split into four seperate categories and sent on to the live shows with the hopes of becoming Ireland’s number one pornstar. RTÉ revealed that Ryan Tubridy, Rodge O’Lepracy, Twink and Síle Seoighe will make up the judging panel for Ireland’s sexiest show since Glenroe. Tubridy reveals that he is quite
happy to be involved in the series, “I really think there’s a lot of potential out there in Ireland in regards to the sex industry and we’re hoping to get a lot of people turning up to the auditions. The producers have already told me that I’ll be the judge for females between the ages of 18 and 30. Síle will be mentor to the groups, Twink will be looking after the over 30’s, and Rodge will be mentoring males between the ages of 18 and 30, which I don’t think he’s particularly happy about, but then again when is he ever happy.” The Turbine conducted a poll amongst UCD students to find out how much interest people would have in the new show and shockingly 86% of students said they’d be going along to audition and 14% said they would watch the show, but as they are already professional actors and actresses in the porn industry, they are not eligible to audition.
Students must wait for STI’s A spokesperson for the UCD STI Clinic, located in between the male and female toilets in the student bar, has confirmed that the number of students on the STI waiting list has risen rapidly in recent weeks and due to staff cutbacks students may have to wait up to six weeks before getting the STI of their choice, and students wishing to obtain gonorrhea may have to wait as long as fifteen weeks, due to its increasing popularity. UCD’s STI Clinic has been Ireland’s number one STI distributor for the last 97 years, but with the waiting list being so long, students may begin going elsewhere for their STIs. “I really wanted to give my girlfriend pubic lice for her birthday, but she’ll be twenty in three weeks time, so I can’t wait six weeks to get it myself. It has gotten to the stage, that I’m consider-
ing heading over to Trinity to catch crabs the old-fashioned way,” says third year science student, Anton Sharpe. UCD is well known for its high quality STIs and some students are wary about going elsewhere, but because of the waiting list in UCD and with deals such as ‘buy genital herpes and get syphillis absolutely free’ in the DCU STI Clinic, students feel that the bus journey north of the Liffey may actually be worth it. First year Arts student Diana Thrush says, “My sister got chlamydia when she was in first year and she says it was the best thing she ever did in college, but DCU are doing great deals at the moment and there’s no wait, so I’m considering heading there.” Student’s Union Welfare Of-
ficer, Conor Fingleton, expresses his disappointment on the matter, “I’m very disappointed that it has gotten to the stage that students feel the need to leave Belfield to get their STI’s and hopefully we’ll be able to sort the problem out soon.” Fingleton’s colleague Dan O’Neill, Student’s Union Campaigns and Communications Officer, has promised to launch a campaign, to ensure that the waiting list be abolished and that students get their STI’s without delay, under the slogan, ‘What do we want? STI’s. When do we want them? Now.’