This Year, Choose You

Discover your worthiness by reflecting on your triumphs.

An extraordinary thing happens when you spend some quiet, introspective time with yourself in the space of an old year shifting into a new one; for the first time in a great long while you truly see yourself. We all want to be “seen” – by our peers, our families, our bosses, our loved ones. How often, though, do we focus on being truly and deeply, even reverently “seen” by our most important observer: ourselves?

How you choose to reflect is the fun and creative part. I’m an avid journal-writer, and keep stacks of old journals in my dresser drawer. I’ve begun the habit of pulling one of them out now and again to revisit my past self.

We stop waiting to become as soon as we realize we already are." – Sonya Renee

At New Year’s I become a journaling monastic, carving out many quiet mornings with a cup of coffee, my cozy space heater (which looks like a fireplace - ambiance!), and some soothing music. I settle in for the sacred practice of compassionate self-reflection, and I start by considering the joys.

Dwelling on the things that didn’t go our way last year is too easy; a vicious cycle is enacted when all you have to tangibly grasp from the resolutions of the year before is an overall message of, “Fix yourself; change yourself; you’re not good enough; you’re not worthy - not yet.”

Who wants to live in a world where a class-A diva like that is calling all the shots on your worthiness? Does she notice any of your triumphs from the last year? So you didn’t lose that weight she demanded you rid yourself of; doesn’t she care about the way you showed up for yourself in hard times with understanding and forgiveness?

Or how all of your passionate effort brought joy to your loved ones and yourself? Or how you held your stomach in a gleeful hug when laughing to the brink of tears with your best friend? What about the way your body literally carried you through another 365 days of happiness and grief, of pain and pleasure? Will she ever care about any of that?

Here’s the thing: she can care; she will care, because she is you. When you choose to step in as your joyful, compassionate self, you can interrupt the diva’s tired old tirade and replace it with something beautiful, something that you truly deserve.

When I left 2012 for 2013 I was in the midst of what would become a significant weight loss - the kind that would have me publishing my “success story” online, complete with before-and-after photos. Everyone congratulated me on my achievement and I went on a shopping spree to fill up my closet with all the different kinds of clothes I “couldn’t” (translation: wouldn’t) wear before.

I felt great physically, of course, but the most striking thing to me was the fact that my body image hadn’t improved. If I was now so “perfect,” why hadn’t I uncovered a healthy source of worthiness? In reality, my worthiness became unhealthy because I was attributing it entirely to the number on the scale.

As 2014 shifted to 2015 I had “found” quite a bit of my “lost” weight; however, as I reflected on the year that had passed I wrote the following in a letter to myself: I understand that I’m not “flawed” and I’m actually quite brave.

Reflecting on this year was different given that I had finally sought help and healing for my severe anxiety, a struggle for which I had been shaming myself for years. To see my anxious self with love and patience was more difficult than all that weight loss but I didn’t show it off half as proudly.

Realizing this was the game-changer. Before I could truly admire my full self, I had to embrace and heal—not my physical self—but my emotional self. Through a reflection in which I called myself “brave,” I walked into 2015 with a radical shift in perspective which set me up for continued growth.

My life hasn’t been 100% easy since then, and I’ve certainly found myself mired in dark, heavy fogs of pain, loneliness, and heartbreak. Still, an unexpected blessing of living and acting from a place of intention and love - towards yourself and towards others - is that you develop the patience and the grace necessary to stay with the challenges of life and to look for the lessons in them.

What would it look like if you moved into this year revived by your triumphs of the last rather than resolved to one-up yourself? What would you do differently if this year you decided that you are wealthy in your worthiness, that you needn’t worry about becoming someone else because you’re already enough just as you are?

As you reflect on your 2017 triumphs and joys, consider what you can create space for in the new year, where your critical inner-diva’s demands would otherwise reside. By simply observing the year that has passed, and choosing to celebrate the strong, hopeful woman you are, you’ll find the “more” you are looking for in the coming year. You’ll find room for more joy, more creativity—and more YOU.

Casee Marie is a motivational writer living in Wallingford, Connecticut with her rescue pup, Blaze. She is the author of the online journal Hope & Harbor where she writes to encourage a deeper relationship with compassion and vulnerability. You can connect with her at caseemarie.com.

Photo by Amanda Luisa, MandaLuisa.com.