A GUIDE TO THE WORLD’S WORST BASEBALL MEMORABILIA AUCTIONS {BY CHARLIE DEITCH}
LAST WEEK, Pirates centerfielder Andrew McCutchen shocked the sports world when he decided to cut
his hair and auction off the 44 braids, along with an autographed baseball, for charity. Doing anything for charity is great and we love Cutch as much as the next person does. But if we’re being honest, this is kind of gross and a little scary: People are bidding on hair from a man’s head. Also, we believe there is a remote possibility that the division-rival Cardinals will bid on McCutchen’s hair, extract the DNA and field a team of Cutches, to deny us the division title. So in honor of McCutchen’s haircut, here is a list of five more horrible baseball memorabilia auctions throughout history. The descriptions are taken directly from the auction catalog of the prestigious Farnsworth Auction House of New York, Paris and Blawnox. (Editor’s Note: This issue is published on April 1 and the legitimacy of the following “auctions” is therefore suspect at best.) C D E I T C H@ P G H C I T Y PA P E R. C OM
DEREK BELL’S HOUSEBOAT
OWN A PIECE OF ROGER CLEMENS
For a starting bid of $12,000, you can own the houseboat that former Pirates outfielder Derek Bell called home. Bell was a oneof-a-kind talent playing at levels so low that fans forgot about the $22 gajillion paid to former horrific infielder Pat Meares. Bell was the architect of Operation Shutdown, and Pittsburgh sports-talk host Mark Madden declared, “Derek Bell is the ultimate Pirate: He lives on a boat and steals money.” Now, that boat can be yours.
Who doesn’t want to train like one of the greatest starting pitchers in the history of the game? With a starting bid of just $2,500, you can get your hands on Brian McNamee’s hypodermic needle containing steroids and the DNA of Roger Clemens. It comes in the beer can and FedEx box where it was stored for six years until handed over to federal prosecutors. Don’t misremember to place your bids early.
SID BREAM’S 30 PIECES OF SILVER
Former first-baseman Sid Bream was a Pittsburgh favorite when he played for the Pirates from 1985 to 1990. He left the team as a free agent and signed with the Atlanta Braves. However, his greatest betrayal to the City of Champions came during Game 7 of the 1992 National League Championship Series, when he scored the winning run in a play that forever became known as “The Slide.” That night, Bream was labeled a “Judas” by drunken fans across the city. For a starting bid of just $100, you can own the 30 pieces of silver that Bream received for selling out the Pirates and dooming them to 20-straight losing seasons. The winning bidder will also receive a handsome, tear-stained bobblehead re-creation of “The Slide” once owned by former Pirates catcher Mike Lavalliere.
RYAN BRAUN’S URINE SAMPLE AND FEDEX RECEIPT
PETE ROSE’S BRONZE HALL OF FAME PLAQUE
This glorious specimen was created on Sept. 12, 1985, one day after Pete Rose recorded hit No. 4,192, becoming baseball’s all-time hits king. Then-Hall of Fame director Bill Loney explains: “We were putting in an order anyway and thought, ‘Even with our ridiculous rules and uptight voters, this guy is a lock.’” On Aug. 24, 1989, Rose was indefinitely suspended from baseball for sports gambling, including making wagers on his own team. Auction also includes Rose’s likeness memorialized on another piece of metal — a can of vintage “Pete Chocolate-Flavored Drink.”
A year before he actually served a suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs in 2013, Ryan Braun beat the rap by arguing that his urine sample could have been tampered with while it was sitting in the refrigerator of tester Dino Laurenzi Jr. for three days before it was sent for testing via FedEx.
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