Your guide to what sexual abuse is, knowing your rights and how to get help.
This booklet was produced under the auspices of Mrs. Kim Simplis Barrow, Special Envoy for Women and Children and Global Ambassador for Special Olympics.
Authors
Mackeva Westby Kim Simplis Barrow
Managing Editors Starla Bradley Judith Alpuche Delahnie Bain
Layout Design McNab Design Ltd.
Sponsors
Special Envoy for Women and Children, Ministry of Human Development and Social Transformation and UNICEF
What is this booklet about?
If you are a girl and you have been sexually abused, this is a booklet made especially for you. It will help you with three things: Being informed on what sexual abuse is Knowing how and where to get help And understanding your feelings and how to confront them You should know that this booklet is a guide to help you understand what sexual abuse is and how to deal with being abused. You are free to read this booklet but you are not forced to read it all at once. You can even read it with your mom and dad. You can read it with any adult that you trust. This booklet is to help you and also to help your parents/guardian protect you. This booklet has stories of girls who experienced sexual abuse as well; even if your story is different from theirs, you may have felt the same feelings that they did.
What is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse happens when a child or young person under 16 years is involved in any sexual activity with another person. Sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse, anal sex, oral sex, fondling a child’s or young person’s private and sexual parts, or making the child or young person fondle the abuser’s private and sexual parts. Essentially, sexual abuse happens when someone touches your vagina, breasts or buttocks with their penis, vagina, or another part of their body or even an object. Sexual abuse can also come in the form of being forced or encouraged to view nude pictures or pictures of people engaged in sexual activity or being forced or encouraged to take nude pictures yourself. Sexual abuse is a crime. Sexual abuse can occur only once or again and again over time, but any form of sexual abuse is unacceptable and is in fact a crime. It is unacceptable even if the abuser is someone you know and trust or a family member. If you are 16 years and older and someone forces you to engage in any sexual activity that is also a crime. If you have been a victim of such abuse, you should tell an adult or someone that you trust to have it reported to the police or social services.
What is commercial sexual exploitation of children? Commercial sexual exploitation of children is commonly known as child prostitution. It means using a child or young person for sexual purposes in exchange for cash or in-kind favours between the client/customer and someone who profits from the use of the child or young person. Those who profit include a wide range of persons, including parents and family members. There are people who make their living from the sexual exploitation of children and young people. They may be operating individually or as part of a group. The adults paying for these sexual favours can be locals or foreigners, men or women. Commercial sexual exploitation of children also includes using children or young people in pornographic pictures or movies.
Lisa’s Story
When Lisa was twelve her father made her have sexual intercourse with his co-worker who was much older than Lisa. She was unaware of the danger she was in until she overheard a conversation between the man and her father. She heard the man promising to pay her father the money he owed someone else in exchange for some private time with her. Lisa was alarmed and confronted her father and asked him if what she was doing was wrong, her father told her that as a child she should do what she is told to do. Lisa was scared and when she could not do it anymore she cried to her mother who did not pay her any attention. Lisa was hurt so she decided to confide in her teacher. Her teacher reported the case to the Principal who contacted the Police. Lisa’s parents were selling her into prostitution because they were poor and needed a source of income. Lisa was relieved that she was no longer forced into having sex and her parents could not hurt her anymore. Lisa always remembers a very important thing that her teacher told her: being poor does not give parents the right to prostitute their children. Children and young people have a right to be protected no matter what.
Who is sexually abused?
Children and young people are vulnerable to being sexually abused because of their innocence and inexperience. Unfortunately any child or young person can be abused. It does not matter if you are rich or poor, male or female, what ethnic group you come from, what religious belief you hold, and what type of family you live in or what your nationality is. This means that the fact that you were abused has nothing to do with who you are, but rather with the type of person your abuser is. So if you have been sexually abused know that you are not alone and that it is never your fault. Also remember that sexual abuse is always unacceptable. One child or young person being sexually abused is one too many.
Who are abusers? Most abusers are adult males, but may also include adult women as well. Under the laws of our country anyone 18 years and older is considered an adult. An abuser can be someone who lives with you, like a dad, stepfather or a brother. The abuser can even be a grandfather, an uncle, a cousin or a good family friend. Many times abusers are people who are supposed to take care of you, protect you or guide you. So they can also be teachers, coaches, babysitters, youth group leaders, pastors or other types of community leaders. Abusers are sometimes strangers but are usually people you already know and trust. In some cases abusers may not be an adult, but a young person who is much older than his or her victim. Abusers are sexual bullies who use their power and authority over someone younger, smaller or less powerful than they are; whether they abuse girls, boys or both.
What are your Rights? As someone who has been sexually abused, it is important for you to understand that you have rights which are there to protect you and ensure that you develop to your fullest potential. All children and adolescents under the age of 18 years have these specific rights. Knowing about your rights gives you the power to stand up for them in various ways, including getting the help that you need. “Rights� are things every child should have or be able to do and all children have the same rights. These rights are listed in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. The aim of this Convention is to set standards that defend children against all forms of abuse and neglect that they face to varying degrees on a daily basis. Almost every country across the world has agreed to these rights. These rights are all connected to each other, and all are equally important.
Your parents or guardians and other adults in society have a responsibility to help you to learn to exercise your rights, teach you to be responsible and to respect the rights of others. Some of these rights include the right to be alive, to have an official name and to belong to a country. You have the right to food, clothing, and a safe place to live. You have the right to a good quality education, as well as the right to rest and play. You also have the right to express your opinion, and for adults to listen and take it seriously. You have the right to live with your parent(s), unless it is bad for you, and to live with a family that cares for you. It is the responsibility of your parents or guardians to determine what is best for you in any situation in order to protect you from harm. The Convention on the Rights of the Child specifically states that you have the right to be free from sexual abuse and the right to be protected from any kind of exploitation (being taken advantage of). You also have the right to help if you’ve been hurt, neglected, abused or badly treated and your privacy must be protected as well.
Was it my fault I was sexually abused?
It is never your fault! No. Being sexually abused is not your fault! We don’t really understand all the reasons why people sexually abuse children but we do know this: it is always the abuser’s fault, never the child’s or young person’s. Because the abuser is often someone you might know or trust, or even look up to, they use their power and authority over you to get what they want. The abuser also has the power to make you scared and will always try to force you to keep the abuse a secret. If you are confused, tell someone you trust. The abuser only has power over you if you do not tell someone. Even if you are forced to do something wrong, like touching the abuser’s private parts or someone else’s private parts, you should be brave and tell someone who can help you.
Arian’s story:
When Arian was eight years old her mom could no longer take care of her due to financial difficulties. So Arian went to live with her aunt. Arian’s aunt lived with her husband who used to hit her all the time. One morning when Arian’s aunt had to leave early for work, her aunt’s husband started to fondle Arian; this means that her aunt’s husband started to touch her private parts. She was scared, confused and did not know what to do. He told her that she should like it and that if she told her aunt that he would kill her. Arian kept the secret for two years. One day, while her aunt was out, her aunt’s husband had sex with her. He threatened that he would kill her and her aunt if she told anyone. Arian felt guilty and confused. Arian was in a very difficult position. If she told her aunt, would her aunt believe her? What if her aunt’s husband actually tried to kill them both? Arian did not want anything bad to happen to her aunt but she knew that what her aunt’s husband was doing to her was wrong and she could no longer continue to keep it a secret. She realized that even though he threatened her, there were other people whom she could go to that would protect her. Arian called her mom and told her what had happened to her and they both went to the police. Arian was blaming herself for what had happened to her and she felt like a dirty little girl and a terrible person who had betrayed her aunt. Arian is not to blame. Her uncle was bigger and stronger than she was and she was afraid of him. Her uncle had a responsibility to protect her and instead he hurt and abused her. She did the right thing by telling an adult so that her uncle could face the police and criminal charges.
How can I get help?
Abusers have power over you as long as you keep their secret bottled up inside you. If you talk to someone, it can help you to feel better as you sort through your feelings. You must tell your mom and dad, or some other close relative or person that you trust. If your dad was the one who abused you, tell your mom or go to the police or the Department of Human Services. Do not be afraid to tell someone who can help you. Many times abusers may threaten to hurt you or a family member if you tell, but you must believe that someone has your best interest at heart and will give you the help you need to recover. You are stronger than you think! Somehow you have been strong enough to keep such a burdensome secret. If you have done that, then you certainly have the strength to tell someone you trust about what is going on. You must have courage and stand up for yourself and remember that your body is precious and the power to protect it starts with you. Some people you can tell are: • Grandparent • Aunt or uncle • Brother or sister • Teacher • A neighbor you like and trust • The police • A counsellor or social worker Or you can call 0-800-PROTECT for help If the first person you tell does not help you, do not be discouraged. Sometimes it is very difficult for adults to deal with these issues, especially if the abuser is a family member or close friend. However, you should never give up. This is what your abuser would want, they will want to win. Tell someone else and continue telling until someone assists you to get the help you need.
How will I feel after I tell? Different girls experience different feelings and emotions. Common feelings include: • Relief • Shame • Fear • Anger • Sadness • Confusion • Self-blame
Am I alone with my feelings?
No. There are other girls who have been sexually abused. Most girls experience the same feelings of betrayal, shame, anger, confusion and sadness. • You might feel relieved because the burden has been lifted and you are no longer carrying this heavy secret all on your own. At the same time you might feel fear because you are afraid and unsure about what will happen next. You might be afraid that others will judge you. • Girls who were abused like you felt betrayal because you believe that the person who hurt you is supposed to protect you. • You may feel sad like many other abused girls because it may seem like no one understands your feelings; but know that you are not alone in the world. • You may feel ashamed of yourself or that you were abused because something is wrong with you; or you may be feeling that the people who know what happened are judging you.
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You may feel angry that those who were supposed to protect you were the ones that hurt you; just know that this anger will go away in time. The more you talk about it and confront your anger and other negative feelings, the less likely it is that the abuse will continue to hurt you.
You might experience just some or all of these emotions. Sometimes you will feel strong and in control and able to cope with your feelings and at other times, you might feel some of these emotions all at once. When these emotions take place, do not worry. It is only normal to feel this way especially after what you have been through but be comforted that the truth has been told and the offender will no longer hurt you or other victims. Even after you tell, there may be several things that you will have to do: •
You may need to go to the Doctor to get examined; this is to make sure that your body is okay.
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The police and a social worker may interview you to get the details of your abuse. These people are professionals who are skilled and trained in their professions and can greatly assist you through this time.
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You may need to appear in court to tell the judge and lawyers what happened to you; this is to make sure that your offender is prosecuted for the crime and will pay the price. Do not worry, there will be people there to support you and help you to get through it all.
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You may need to talk to someone like a counsellor, who will help you cope with your feelings. It is important that you talk about how you feel. Talking to a professional counsellor or someone that you to recover from the abuse and move from being a victim, to being a brave and courageous survivor.
Andrea’s Story:
When Andrea was ten, her stepfather used to show her his penis and made her touch it. Later on he made her put it in her mouth. He always promised her goodies and sweets when she did it and he made her promise that she would not tell her mom and that if she did her mom would not believe her and would be angry with her. Andrea did not like the sweets anymore because the sex acts confused her more and more, she told her grandmother because she felt her grandmother would not be angry at her. Her grandmother told her mother and a social worker. Andrea’s stepfather was reported and taken to jail. Andrea felt lost and betrayed by her stepfather who was to protect her. Many abused children feel betrayed by a grown up when they force them to do things they would not normally do. They become captives by their own secrets. When Andrea’s stepfather would not stop, she became afraid and she did not like the treats anymore. By telling a grownup she was able to get help and now she feels much safer that her stepfather cannot hurt her or anyone else again.
What will the counselor do?
Counsellors are people you can trust. They are professionals with training and experience and know all about what happens to girls like you. They will help you to get over the abuse. Counselling is a safe space where you can say exactly what you think and feel even if you are sad or angry. Your counsellor will talk to you about what happened and let you know that it was not your fault. Talking to a counsellor will help you to understand your feelings and how to manage them. It will also help you understand how sexual abuse is different from normal sexual encounters and that you should not blame yourself for what happened to you. Remember it is never your fault; it is always the fault of the offender. The counsellor will be able to help your parents and family members understand your feelings so that you will not have to fear them or be afraid that they may be upset with you. Lastly, the counsellor will help you and your family to become stronger and happier together. The more you are able to talk about the abuse and learn to deal with you emotions, the better able and ready you will be to continue to pursue your dreams and achieve your goals in life.
Will I ever get over the abuse?
Yes! Do not be afraid to face the future. You did all that you had to do to ensure your safety. There is a life waiting for you after the abuse. Girls before you who were abused have become lawyers and doctors and paediatricians and nurses. They have become good mothers and wives. They
have gone on to live fulfilling and successful lives. You are not alone is this fight. Believe that you too can look past what has happened to you. You may find it hard to trust others, especially if your abuser was a family member, so you may take some time to recover and trust your family and friends again. But in time, you will see that your family wants what’s best for you and will do what is needed to ensure your safety. You can start a small group on your own informing young girls like yourself that there are real sexual predators that may hurt them. You would not only prevent sexual abuse from continuing but you will be healed in the process and will make yourself stronger. You can also channel negative energy and turn it into positive energy by taking up a new hobby, playing sports, volunteering or doing things that you once enjoyed. Do not allow your abuser to strip your youth from you. Find those things that you love to do and find people who are willing to share in that joy. Above all always remember that you are precious! You are unique! There is no one else in the entire world quite like you! Overcoming bad experiences in life make us stronger. So spread your wings and fly, become the best you that you can be.
Message from Mrs. Kim Simplis-Barrow “Butterflies don’t know the colour of their wings, but human eyes can see their beauty. Likewise, you may not know how precious you are, but others can see you are special.”
The Blue Morpho butterfly is a unique and vulnerable creature, starting out as a caterpillar and overcoming many dangers to transform into something stunning. This butterfly reminds me of you. As a pre-teen or teenager, you are vulnerable to many threats but, like the Blue Morpho, you can rise above life’s hardships and transform yourself into the beautiful person that you were meant to be. One of the most difficult things for a child or young person to overcome is being sexually abused. It is important to remember that you can recover from these difficult experiences. It may not be easy, but you can create your own wings and those wings will set you free. These wings will allow you to go where you choose, to be who you want to be. I firmly believe that you are strong enough to determine the path your life takes. If you have been sexually abused, know that you do not have to suffer alone or in silence. My advice to you is simple: read this booklet and know the facts. Talk to people you trust, people that can help you recover and help to bring the abuser to justice. Do not keep this heavy burden a secret. Take a lesson from the Blue Morpho, spread your wings and fly. Be bold and always love yourself! Your body is precious! You are precious! Don’t you ever forget that!
For help call
0-800 Protect
Department of Human Services
227-7451 or 227-2057
Or the Police Station in your area
Know your rights! Never let anyone sexually abuse you.