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4 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
Comedy-Watch
#4
a few words of sophistication
From Our Publisher... DECEMBER, 2015 As the year 2015 quickly recedes into life's rear-view mirror, a bit of reflection once again calls to mind the realization that there is simply not enough time for a person to see it all, do it all—not even to say it all. Publishing
this magazine is, arguably, an opportunity to say (or express) more than might otherwise be possible, but even then... well, that brings me to David Letterman. As millions of people know, Letterman ended his 33-year run on late-night television in May of this year. Certainly
a Comedy-Watch cover-spot featuring Letterman would have been a fitting nod to the incredible barrage of laughs Dave dispensed during all those years. That's why I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I let two potentially great Letterman covers fall to the Comedy-Watch editing room
floor! [Reader should feel free to imagine some sort of sad emoticon here.] Assuming, however, that most ComedyWatch readers can muster forgiveness in their hearts for this well-meaning publisher, I would like to make amends by sharing the Letterman covers that ‘almost were,’ below.
h
tc a W y d e m o C Free Copy
eal Li fe, Ju
st
” For Laughs
Comedy-Watch
iggee.com
gR ‟ Watchin
e, www.miltpr Milt Prigge
Free Copy!
#2 Life, Just
For Laughs ”
The Columbus Dispatch
/ james steidl
ons.com / and CagleCarto
‟ Watching Real
Thinkstock / james
June, 2015
steidl and CagleCart oons.com / Nate Beeler,
Thinkstock
Thinkstock / Shelma1
#2
!
The Letterman covers that ‘almost were’...
June, 2015
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
5
contents (a/k/a)
8) Legal Ballyhoo 10) Vintage Insanity 11) Rodney Said... 13) The Column 15) Did Ya Hear?! 16) Stand-Up 18) Comic's Bio 20) Caption Me! 21) Mail-Order Madness 22) Drawing Conclusions 30) Slightly Tee'd Off 6 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
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(352) 735-4578 Issue # 4 • Comedy-Watch
7
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(Model is unconnected to article)
L
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By: James Hope, J.D. I HEREBY ACCUSE YOU OF ACCUSING ME! So follow this one: A Michigan law school alum took issue with a news article published by the National Law Journal entitled “Law School Alum, Accused of Stalking, Loses Suit Against U. Michigan.” The student was similarly displeased with a Twitter message published by the article's author which linked the story with the text—“Judge tosses lawsuit brought by Michigan Law alum accused of stalking former classmate.” Notice that's twice the word “accused” pops up its little head... Well, the man filed a defamation lawsuit based on the theory that the defendants' use of the term “accused”
8 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
was false, because he was never formally charged with a crime. But here's a nice irony (quoting from the ruling which tossed out the lawsuit): “The court disagrees that the word ‘accused’ carries the connotation of a formal criminal charge... In fact, the court notes that plaintiff's own complaint uses the term ‘accusation’ to refer to something less than a criminal charge. See FAC, ¶ 20 (prayer for relief asking that defendants be required to publish an apology ‘for the wrongful accusation and publish a ‘tweet’ apologizing for the wrongful accusation.’) (emphasis added).” [Source: Order Granting Motion To Strike entered December 23, 2014 by the United States District Court, Northern District of California.]
31-PAGE FEDERAL COURT DECISION OVER A BUNCH OF BIRD FEATHERS: Welcome, one and all, to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act (MBTA) of 1918. (Yes, chances are it's older than you are.) Now let's say that you're named either Kenneth G. Shane, or, (true story), Douglas Vance Crooked Arm. And let's suppose you have entered a conditional guilty plea for violating the MBTA, but would like a court to delve a bit further into the matter before you're feathers are ‘plucked’ by the government... Counting the summary pages, the written opinion issued by the United States District Court for the District of Montana spends thirty-one (31) pages sorting out a case involving a few bird feathers. (Oh, and the whole thing started because an undercover agent from the United States Fish & Wildlife Service— engaged in “Operation Hanging Rock”—pretended she needed an eagle feather fan for her dress.) So what's the federal question keeping us all on the edge of our seats? “[W]hether the sale of a fan made of migratory bird feathers constitutes the sale of a ‘migratory bird.’” (Emphasis added.) Drum-roll, please... “We conclude that it does not.” [Source: Appellate opinion filed June 8, 2015 by the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit.] CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG AND LOVE MY T-SHIRT?! I think it's best to simply sit back and let the written opinion explain this one: “AT&T Connecticut banned employees who interact with customers or work in public—including employees who enter customers' homes—from wearing union shirts that said ‘Inmate’ on the front
and ‘Prisoner of AT$T’ on the back. [Ed. Note: The front of the shirt said “Inmate #” and had a black box beneath the lettering. The back of the shirt said “Prisoner of AT$T,” with several vertical stripes above and below the lettering.] Seems reasonable. No company, at least one that is interested in keeping its customers, presumably wants its employees walking into people's homes wearing shirts that say ‘Inmate’ and ‘Prisoner.’ But the NLRB ruled... that AT&T committed an unfair labor practice by barring its employees from wearing those shirts.” “Notwithstanding the [AT&T] appearance guidelines, in the years before this incident, several individual AT&T employees had worn shirts printed with questionable messages and had not been disciplined for doing so. Examples included: ‘Support your local hookers’ (with an image of a fishing lure); ‘The liver is evil. It must be punished’; ‘I'm not drunk. I'm just a race fan’; If I want your opinion . . . . . I'll take the tape off your mouth!’; and ‘Out Of Beer. Life Is Crap.’” (At this point it is extremely tempting to allow our Comedy-Watch readers to write their own ending to this comical drama, but we'd probably get way too many letters of frustration.) Thus, back to the learned judges: “We grant AT&T's petition for review, vacate the Board's decision and order with respect to the ‘Inmate/ Prisoner’ shirts, and deny the Board's cross-application for enforcement.” Reasonable outcome? Maybe. As funny as the one you were going to write? Nope. [Source: Appellate opinion decided July 10, 2015 by the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia.]
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Images via John W. Hartman Center / Duke University Libraries
y. t i n a s n i e g a t n i v
10 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
! Popular in the early 1900s, this product by the Sanitol Chemical Laboratory Company evidently worked on a simple, yet fool-proof principle: It made your child's teeth look white-as-snow by turning his face black-as-coal. ď ś
“I turned to crime just once , I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket in an airplane and made a run-for-it! Then another time a guy pulled a knife on me... I could tell it wasn't a real professional job, there was butter on it!” — Rodney Dangerf ield
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Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com. ©2015 Peter Funt. Columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate. This column has been edited by the author. Representations of fact and opinions are solely those of the author.
Thinkstock / CJ Romas
(Author photo: Provided)
By: Peter Funt BASEBALL'S BOTCHED SCORING Here's how Major League Baseball logged the first play in a Giants-Cubs game the other night: “Kyle Schwarber doubles on a pop up to pitcher Jake Peavy.” Whaa? Those of us who love the Great American Pastime—at the park, in front of TV, or even via a smartphone app— know that such miscues are all too common. Not by the players, by the official scorers. Baseball scoring is an epic fail. Schwarber's “double” was actually a towering pop about 10 feet in front of home plate. Catcher Buster Posey went out, pitcher Jake Peavy came in, and as each stood and watched, the ball fell. Schwarber wound up
on second, credited with a two-base hit that was charged to Peavy's record. Many fans assume the nub of this ridiculous decision is that neither fielder touched the ball. Not true. Baseball rules explicitly state that an error should be charged if the ball could have been caught with “ordinary effort,” regardless of whether it is touched. Yet, neither Posey nor Peavy was given an error because you can't charge two players for a single mistake. This sort of thing happens with annoying frequency. Just a few nights earlier, Posey was credited with a hit when his routine pop fell behind first base as three Pittsburgh Pirates stood watching. What makes it all the more laughable—or, sad, depending on your baseball perspec-
tive—is today's game is more stat-based than ever before. Coaches pore over data during games, while fans follow stat apps on their phones. But as a wise man once said, “Bad scoring in, bad stats out.” Official scorers will almost never penalize a fielder who appears to have lost a ball in the sun or the lights. And most won't give an error on the second half of an attempted double play— even though the rules allow them to do so. Foolish interpretation of the rules can make a botched effort look like a gem in the record book. Example, a few days ago: A routine grounder to Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo. He boots it, but it rolls toward second baseman Tommy La Stella, who throws back to Rizzo in time for the out. If the objective in scoring were to reward good play and penalize poor performance, then Rizzo clearly deserved an error. But the scorer gave Rizzo both an “assist” for first touching the ball and a “put out” for catching La Stella's throw. Ridiculous. Official scorers use discretion for certain plays, such as not crediting a runner with a stolen base if there is “defensive indifference.” So why not use similar discretion when it comes to fielding blunders or the dreaded “mental mistakes”—for which the rules say no error may be charged. Many believe baseball needs a Team Error category. In the case of that botched pop that went down as a two-base hit on Kyle Schwarber's record and a blemish on Jake Peavy's stats, the Team Error would have been fairer. The 240-page baseball rulebook is chockablock with scoring guidelines, some helpful, some bizarre, such as Rule 7.08i. It says a runner is out if he “runs the bases in reverse
order for the purpose of confusing the defense or making a travesty of the game.” Looking at some official scoring decisions this summer, it appears there are at least as many travesties in the press box as on the field.
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
13
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14 Comedy-Watch • Issue # 4
? ! R A E H A Y D DI By: James Hope, J.D. CAMOUFLAGE JUDGES' ROBES GET OVERRULED! Regardless of how hip or trendy they may be, the gavel has come down and the Florida Supreme Court has spoken: Camouflage is out. “During any judicial proceed-
Getty Images / Jupitorimages
ings, robes worn by a judge must be solid black with no embellishments.” (The new rule in Case No. SC15-497 is silent, however, when it comes to those snazzy powdered wigs.) Presumably, the fashion freeze must have come as a disappointment to Florida's Union County Judge Bo Bayer, who according to The Florida Bar News, “debuted a camo robe during deer season.” The judge told the newspaper that his three nieces, (one of whom is reportedly a fashion-designer for Macy's), presented him with the robe as he was frying a turkey at a Thanksgiving gathering. Fortunately, there was enough camouflage material for a robe big enough to embrace the judge's 6-foot-4, 250 pound frame—a stature made that much more imposing with a camo-look hijacked straight from “Saving Private Ryan.” Although not intending humor in the face of a serious subject, the jurists did query: “Should a defendant facing the death penalty feel trepidation when the presiding judge appears in a red robe or feel more at ease when the robe is green?” (Comedy-Watch asks: Does a camouflage robe mean the firing-squad?!) Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
15
. P U D N A T S “We had far too many kids. At one point our playpen was standing room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets.” — Phyllis Diller
“Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.” — Paul Rodriguez
16 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
“I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.” — Damon Wayans
Thinkstock / James Steidl
“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, ‘Hey... at least I'm not pregnant!’ ” — Daniel Tosh
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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4 8 18
. O I B s ' c i com Chris Gorges:
Some people like to read books. Chris Gorges likes to read crowds. He has the ability to relate to his audience. His interactive style gets the crowd going and with his wide range of material, Chris never misses a beat. With a strong background in Improvisation, his act can be anything! He's all about getting some serious laughs and brings tons of experience to the stage from every stage in his life. Veteran, Father, Gamer and Medical Professional—it's all in there. He has been a staple on the Tampa comedy scene for over 25 years. He directed the 2000 “Best of the Bay” Improv troupe “The Charming Hooligans”. He was on an award winning Public Access show called “Mongo Like Candy”. He is the host of the award winning podcast “The Double Special Show”. He's opened for the likes of Dave Chapelle, Pauly Shore and Bill Bellamy. High energy, honest and edgy comedy set the tone for a show that is never the same twice. Lots of interaction and improvisation make for a great comedy experience.
BORN & RAISED: Born in Worcester, Massachusetts. Raised in New England annex—Florida. I FIRST DISCOVERED I WAS “FUNNY” WHEN: I realized a modeling career was out of the question. MY COMEDY INFLUENCES ARE: George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and the street preacher in front of the Pick Kwik. CAREER ASPIRATIONS: To do shows, on my private island having the audience ferried to me... and a media room.
MEMORIES FROM MY VERY FIRST STAND-UP PERFORMANCE: I asked the audience if I could change my jacket for a bit, and a 16 year-old girl yelled out, “Why don't you change your personality?” She will work on my island. MY “DREAM” TV APPEARANCE WOULD BE: “Comedy Central's Premium Blend”. Location shoot: My Island. PARTING WORDS: There is truth in comedy. When we laugh together, we share the truth.
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY ! (2nd Sat. Night Of Each Month)
1-800-856-1884 • www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726
18 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
A Quarterly Magazine
y! Free Cop
‟ Watch
ing Re
al Life,
Issue No. 20
#1
ughs For La
Just
”
5
ck / james
steidl and
CagleCa
rtoons.c
om / Dave
Granlun
d
th Ann iver sar y Issue!
Lake Legal News
Comedy-Watch La keaLeg tchal News
W Comedy-
Cheap advertising that gets into your brain! (Contact: LakeLegalNews@gmail.com) Advertisers: “Go Quarterly, Or Go Broke!”
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www.LakeLegalNews.com • (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com Issue # 4 • Comedy-Watch
19
Thinkstock / riskms
CA
! E M N O I PT
Suggested CAPTION: “There ain't no hors d'oeuvres at this ballet!” 20 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
A M
n e d s a s M . r e d r O il “
Date Reviewed: 12-17-15
INSTANT WINDOW FROST!
Review by:
Justin Case (Age 12) The product-review and other opinions herein expressed are solely those of young Justin Case, who at age 12 has saved so little of his allowance money that he's entirely ‘judgment proof ’—should you foolishly decide to waste your time bringing a lawsuit against a minor. Patents, trademarks, copyrights and other intellectual property rights are acknowledged to be fully retained by their respective owner(s), as Justin has good grades and is not a thief !
Product Review Score: 4/5 Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
Getty Images / Photos.com Thinkstock.com/John Black
Well, I guess you could say that I'm getting to that age where a person really starts to value privacy— so when I saw this ad for a do-it-yourself “Instant Window Frosting Kit” I was pumped! The kit promised to “professionally frost up to 10 household windows,” and as you can see from the photo of my room it really works! I can't really make out trees anymore, but I say when you've seen one tree you've seen them all, no?
21
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Kap, Spain
www.CagleCartoons.com / Eric Allie, Cagle Cartoons
d
w a r
22 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
i us o l n c S n . o c g in
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Mike Keefe, Cagle Cartoons
24 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Patrick Chappatte, The International New York Times
www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Patrick Chappatte, Le Temps, Switzerland
www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
26 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Paresh Nath, The Khaleej Times, UAE
www.CagleCartoons.com / Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com
www.CagleCartoons.com / John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune
28 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
Issue #4 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Gatis Sluka, Latvijas Avize
h g i l S
Of f. d ' e e T tly
Thinkstock / gmenacom
Like, when are mattresses not on sale ?!
30 Comedy-Watch • Issue #4
Fla. Bar Board Certified Criminal Trial Law Expert Qualifications: I have practiced criminal law in Tavares, Florida, for 27 years. I am a former Assistant State Attorney, with supervisory experience at the juvenile, misdemeanor, felony and postconviction relief levels, including a designation as Lake County's first sex battery and first careercriminal prosecutor. My actual jury trial experience ranges from shoplifting and DUI to capital sexual battery and first degree murder—and I have stood before a felony jury an average of twice-a-year for 27 years. In fact, I have quadruple the number of felony jury trials required for initial Board Certification.
Contact Info:
Available for a free consultation (“Of Counsel”) through the Law Office of Zachary J. McCormick, 210 N. Texas Ave., Tavares, Florida. To reach me:
(352) 742-7474 • www.ZJMlaw.com, or (352) 742-3488 • www.AttorneyJamesHope.com
James Hope, J.D.
u are serious “Call when yo fended.” about being de
Mon. – Sat., from 11 a.m. 'til the last guest leaves!
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Featuring great food, reasonably priced, in a spacious atmosphere where you can relax and discuss everything from business plans to wedding plans!
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY The 2nd Saturday Night Of Every Month!
Happy Hour: Mon. – Fri. / 4 p.m. – 7 p.m., $2 Bud Light Draughts, $3 House Wines View our Menu, Specials, Entertainment & Events : www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726