Comedy-Watch #3
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‟ Watching Real Life, Just
September, 2015
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All contents © 2015 by James Hope D/B/A Lake Legal News. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Nothing may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. Lake Legal News is not responsible for the contents, products, or services represented in any advertisements. Statements and opinions expressed in this publication are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of Lake Legal News or its staff. Any advice contained within this publication is general in nature, and is not intended to be relied upon in lieu of an actual consultation with a licensed attorney concerning the specific facts of your own situation and the most current state of the law. Unless pursuant to prior written arrangements with Lake Legal News, all submitted materials, whether written, photographic, or in other form will become the permanent property of Lake Legal News and shall be treated as unconditionally licensed and assigned to Lake Legal News for publication in print, via the internet, or through other medium, however logos and other legal marks as well as original copyrights remain the property of their respective owners. All submissions grant a right to Lake Legal News to edit said materials for accuracy, brevity, legality, or other concerns, and to title, caption, or make editorial comment upon such materials. Persons submitting materials agree to hold the publisher and staff of Lake Legal News harmless against claims of defamation, copyright infringement, invasion of privacy and unauthorized use of any person's name, photograph or personal information.
For advertising information and all other inquiries about this publication, contact the Publisher / Executive Editor: Write: Lake Legal News · Post Office Box 790 · Tavares, FL 32778 E-mail: LakeLegalNews@Gmail.com · Visit: www.LakeLegalNews.com Phone: 352-408-6338
4 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
Comedy-Watch a few words of sophistication
#3
From Our Publisher... SEPTEMBER, 2015
Thinkstock / Shelma1
First, a brief epitaph. Earlier this year, history was marked by the passing of Gary Ross Dahl, creator of the Pet Rock (a toy referred to by Time magazine as “1% product and 99% marketing genius”). Dalh became a millionaire by selling
the penny rocks for $4, when, ironically, the die-cut box (complete with air holes) that the “live” rocks came in were the most expensive part of the kit. Included was a 32-page official training manual (“The Care and Training of Your Pet Rock”), which taught basic commands, such as “sit” and
“stay.” If you are too young to have been swept up in this global fad of the mid-1970s, there is a Wikipedia page devoted to the rocks—deemed to be the “perfect pet.” Anyway (and shifting gears), an interesting thing happened the other day while I was working on my main magazine—Lake Legal News (www.LakeLegalNews.com). I looked down at my desk and happened to see a piece of paper that I had written by hand, and my notes contained the following ominous words: “Neurotic November.” “Intent to harm.” “Vanishing act.” “Domestic violence.” “The last kiss goodbye.” “Hope to die.” “Dead don't lie.”“Keep quiet.” “The last alibi.” So very, very troubling, no?! Well, before you check on my wife's safety or call the police on me... This was part of my list of some book reviews that Gary S. Roen has already completed for Lake Legal News. (My wife is just fine, thank you.) And yet seeing the list as a whole, I certainly do hope Gary's
life as a book-reviewer is not a warped or depressed one. (Cheerful shout-out to Gary, here!) But alas, the thing that really got me pumped to write this column (for September) that you are now reading is... drum-roll please... everyone's beloved ‘doll’ of a gal, Barbie. Yes, it seems that recently Barbie managed to get herself into quite an interesting privacy-predicament. It all revolves around Mattel's newest Barbie-incarnation, “Hello Barbie”—a doll that records children's speech and then sends their lovely, tender, private words over the internet. Indeed, a Washington Post article by Sarah Halzack probably summed up the concerns of children's advocacy groups best: “Hello Barbie might more accurately be called ‘eavesdropping’ Barbie... advocates call the technology ‘creepy’ and say it could leave children vulnerable to stealth advertising tactics. ” (Oh, nice! Some girl's-best-friend the new ‘Hello Spy Barbie’ really is!) Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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contents (a/k/a)
8) Legal Ballyhoo 10) Vintage Insanity 11) Rodney Said... 13) The Column 15) Cont-e-x-t 16) Stand-Up 18) Comic's Bio 20) Caption Me! 21) No Kidding?! 22) Drawing Conclusions 30) Slightly Tee'd Off 6 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
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Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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(Model is unconnected to article)
L
l a eg
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By: James Hope, J.D. ‘HELP! I'M UNPROFESSIONAL AND I CAN'T GET UP!’ Can “unprofessionalism” be passed off as a medical diagnosis? One student at the Marshal University School of Medicine evidently thought it was kinda-sorta-maybe worth a try... During her first semester, the student was evaluated by the school and was informed that she failed to meet the school's standards for “professionalism.” Over time, negative evaluations included observations that she was consistently late, disruptive, tardy, dressed inappropriately, made unsettling comments to patients, failed to follow directions, interrupted her teachers, and ran through hallways during clinical rota-
8 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
tions. After ultimately being dismissed from the school the woman sued—claiming the school was in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. By the time an appellate court had ‘examined’ the situation, however, the student's prognosis was not a good one (citing precedent): “Where a professional school has reasonably determined based on an identifiable pattern of prior conduct that a student is unfit to join his chosen profession, federal law does not obligate the school to allow that student to remain in and graduate from its educational program.” Translation? Medical career dead on arrival. [Source: Memorandum Opinion entered May 6, 2015 by the United States District Court, Southern District of West Virginia.]
WARNING: ‘DON'T BEERBATTER FISH AND DRIVE!’ I suppose when you hit your tenth DUI charge, it's time to get creative. In line with that, a 75-year-old Wisconsin man arrested for his tenth DUI blamed the odor of alcohol on his breath (and his .042 blood alcohol level) on having ingested “beer-battered fish.” (No word on whether the fish were swimming in a pond filled with Heineken®, prior to being caught.) [Source: News story by Molly Koweek, WAOW-TV.] PRISONER LEARNS STINKY NEW WORD—“MIASMA” A New York prison inmate claims that life behind bars got a lot tougher when he refused to go along with prison guards who wanted him to act as a false-snitch against fellow inmates. (A district court looking into the matter made the odd passing comment “that it is unclear whether there is a constitutional right ‘not to snitch.’ ”) Be that as it may... The inmate complains that as retaliation for his decision not to be a prison rat-finkstool-pigeon, he was subjected (among other cruelties) not only to endure an inadequate diet of stale bread and dried up cabbage, but also be subjected to what the United States Court of Appeals characterized as miasma. Let's have the Court use that word in a sentence, boys and girls: “The most grotesque exposure Willey alleges is that officers placed him in solitary confinement with a Plexiglas shield restricting the airflow to his small cell and then incapacitated his toilet, so that he was reduced to breathing a miasma of his own accumulating waste.” [Emphasis added.] (New eighth grade reading word in the Empire State: “Miasma”—“noxious exhalations from putrescent
organic matter; poisonous effluvia or germs polluting the atmosphere.”) [Source: Appellate opinion entered August 28, 2015 by the United States District Court for the Western District of New York.] PLEASE JUDGE!—NOT THE DREADED “CHILDREN'S VILLAGE!” Three children (ages 9, 10, and 15) at the center of their parent's nasty custody battle defied a Michigan judge's order that they have lunch with their father, and were hauled off to “Children's Village” for contempt. The presiding judge told the couple's 15-year-old that he was the “worst” kid he'd seen in 46,000 cases—and so now the boy could just suck-up “living in Children's Village, going to the bathroom in public.” The judge even suggested that the child “do a research program on Charlie Manson and the cult that he has.” One of the younger children was chided with the fact that the bed at Children's Village would not be “soft and comfortable” like at home— although the institution's director, George Miller, when speaking to the Detroit Free Press, denied that the place is anything like a grim “mother Goose's house.” Nonetheless, the judge told the children: “When you are ready to have lunch with your dad... I will review this when your dad tells me you are ready. Otherwise you are living in Children's Village til you graduate from high school." (Presumably the 9-year-old will be very, very hungry by then... but on the bright side, think of all the money this father of three will have saved on lunches!) [Source: Hearing, June 24, 2015, Circuit Judge Lisa O. Gorcyca, Michigan's 6th Judicial Circuit; Detroit Free Press, July 9, 2015.]
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Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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y. t i n a s n ei
! Oh please!... bath water is so yesterday. Bathe yourself today using the modern process of “Hot Air and Vapor.” (And for that extra-refreshing touch, add a pinch of soothing “Sulphur.”) Of course, there is no reason to stop at silky-smooth-skin... we're talking about a lifetime of “cures without medicine”— all for only $5.00. (I bet you can't say the same thing about that dumb-old hot tub you've got sitting out back!?) Unhesitatingly touted as “The greatest success of modern times,” this bedside contraption will restore “any and all deranged conditions” which may afflict you—revivifying beauty itself to the “wan cheek and shrunken frame.” (Great, too, in restoring health to those with “Syphilis, in all stages...”) What do leading authors and physicians have to say? They say to climb in and prepare for “a shock—for as the perspiration exudes from the pores of the skin, carrying with it viscid secretions, humors and old epidermis in great rolls of effete matter, the bather begins to think himself, or herself, a most disgustingly dirty creature, and realizes what it means for the first time to revel in a thorough purification."
PS: Let's not forget the ladies... Ladies, just climb in and allow “Diseases peculiar to the female sex disappear like magic...”
“My car's no good. Dogs chase after it and catch it. In fact, when I'm on the road, just one time I'd like to see someone pass my car without pointing to one of my tires!” — Rodney Dangerf ield
Thinkstock / Pocketcanoe
R
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. . . d i a ey s
Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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12 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
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Issue No. 21
SPECIAL REPORT: No Longer Tinkering With The Machinery Of Death...
p. 30
Also: The Milton Chronicles
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E H T
. N M U COL
Danny welcomes reader e-mail responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree's Tyrades”. Danny's column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. ©2014 Danny Tyree. This column has been edited by the author. Representations of fact and opinions are solely those of the author.
Thinkstock / CJ Romas
(Author photo: Provided)
By: Danny Tyree RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE EDITING OF THE SONGS If you're frustrated by the skimpiness of “fun-size” candy, wait until you hear some “fun-size” songs. On August 1, Calgary Top 40 station AMP Radio became the first station in the world to switch to the new QuickHitz format. Developed by Vancouver-based SpakNet Communications, QuickHitz (without having to consult with composers, singers or musicians) whittles songs down to half their length, so twice as many can be crammed into an hour. Forget solutions to world hunger, AIDS and genocide! What the world has really been needing is songs such as “Play Half That Funky
Music, White Boy,” “Eight and One-Quarter 12-Packs of Beer On The Wall” and “Me” (sorry, Janis, no time for “and Bobby McGee”). Let's kick Thomas Edison and Jonas Salk off their pedestals and give the QuickHitz folks the prominence they deserve! I'm delighted that there are experts out there who can tell us that stairways takes up too much of the listener's precious time. There's really a burning need for Led Zeppelin to sing, “And she's buying an express elevator to heaven.” SparkNet supposedly did two years of exhaustive research before launching the format, and found that hip young people with shortened attention spans really crave such a revolution. Do we really need music watered down for ADHD sufferers? When the
QuickHitz gimmick wears thin, will we hear DJs blaring, “All diverticulitis-based songs, all the time”? Proponents ask us not to shoot the messenger over the attention-span message. Of course not, because the reverberations from the gunshot would probably drown out three whole albums. Sure, let's cater to microscopic attention spans among those who will be reading your nursing home charts someday. Hilarity ensues. We are assured that editing is an art and that editors will adjust songs with a scalpel, but all I can picture is finding a surgical sponge sewn up in “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I suspect that the editing process will become as aggravating as runaway spelling autocorrect programs. Look for every occurrence of “Oh, baby, baby” to wind up as “Oh, twins!” The format magnanimously gives an artist twice as much of the intangible asset “exposure,” but of course it also gives twice as much exposure to the OTHER artists competing for consumers' limited dollars. Those doggone “level playing fields”—they'll make your head spin faster than a 78 r.p.m. record. One industry figure brags, “A lot of listeners won't even notice what they're missing.” That may be true enough (my wife's grandfather once felt neglected as church organist and bet himself he could slip a secular song into his repertoire, before launching into a slower arrangement of “Roll Out The Barrel” that never raised an eyebrow), but it's an insult to the more discerning listeners. And what caliber of sponsors will these “won't even notice” stations attract? (“Don't even think about shopping anywhere except Murphy
Motors. And don't think about the air bags, anti-lock brakes or alarm systems, either. You'll sleep better.”) We really are not set up to handle the inevitable social upheaval if the QuickHitz format succeeds. Romance will suffer (“Listen, honey, they're playing our—never mind”), concert roadies will be replaced with splitsecond NASCAR pit crews and underemployed musicians will wander the streets with signs proclaiming, “Will perform self-indulgent guitar solos for food—as long as it's food that doesn't mess with my diverticulitis diet, dude.”
Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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#1
ughs For La
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p. 30
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om / Dave
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N O C
. T X T-E
< Messages
8:59 am
< Messages
8:02 pm
We need a get-rich-quick scheme...
Please don't text me for the next hour, I'll be in the pool
No worries, just left Walmart, almost home :)
Bad idea-- we need the spare for when alcohol kills our first one :(
What did I just tell you?!?
6:40 pm
Dad, where in the world are you??
Can't we each just sell a kidney?
OK then, I won't
< Messages
You brought me WITH you!! Hey Dad? Hey Dad?? Turning around now...
9:13 am
Sweetie I'm soooo sorry, but none of the texts I'm sending are going through to people!
< Messages
11:15 pm
Dude, you got the rest of my money it's been over a week?! Say again?? I think we have a weak signal. Try again later. Yes they are! :)
Weak signal? Un-un, nice try, Dude, but texting don't work that way...
How do you know? Hello?
Hello? See, I wasn't even trying to hang-up. Bad signal.
< Messages
1:15 pm
Young man, you're in serious trouble now!!!
What? What-4?
For texting me while you're in school, Richard!!! U can't be s-e-r-i-o-u-s, Mom, you just text me f-i-r-s-t...(?)(!)
I want my MONEY!
Issue #3 â&#x20AC;˘ Comedy-Watch
Thinkstock.com/ Denys Prykhodov
< Messages
15
. P U D N A T S “I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.” — Wendy Liebman
“My brother has ADD—which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I tried to tell my brother that joke but he kept getting distracted by a squirrel.” — Zach Galifianakis
16 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
“I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’ That'll be a cool name for a kid. ‘This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!’ Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please!’” — Louis CK
Thinkstock / James Steidl
“I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go, ‘Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message’—I could walk away!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
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4 8 18
. O I B s ' c i com Johnny Mac:
An experienced performer who travels the country, headlining at comedy clubs, colleges, and corporate events, this talented comedian and actor has opened for comic legend Lily Tomlin and some of the brightest lights in comedy. His sharp-witted humor has made audiences roar with laughter at venues such as the “Comedy Strip”(in New York City), “Comedy Works” (in Denver), the “Newport Comedy Festival”, “Stand Up New York”, and New York's “Gotham Comedy Club”.
BORN & RAISED: Born in Brooklyn, New York—moved around in between New York and New Jersey—now living in Ponte Vedra, Florida. I FIRST DISCOVERED I WAS “FUNNY” WHEN: At a young age, when I started doing theater in the 5th grade… plus, having 3 sisters, my mother always said I could make her laugh when my sisters drover her crazy!!! MY COMEDY INFLUENCES ARE: Johnny Carson, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, and Jerry Seinfeld. MEMORIES FROM MY VERY FIRST STAND-UP PERFORMANCE: “The Improv”, in New York… only did 5 minutes… my heart was beating out of my chest and I was worried about remembering my act. When I
came off stage, I was BEYOND EXCITED AND WAS HOOKED— I knew then that comedy was for me! CAREER ASPIRATIONS: Would love to host a show, much like Carson did—have fun and make people laugh so they can escape all the negative-energy in the world these days!!! MY “DREAM” TV APPEARANCE WOULD BE: Having my own half-hour stand up show on “Comedy Central”. PARTING WORDS: Love to take the audience on a journey, engage with them and take them away from the outside world…bring some laughter to their night, point out the ordinary things in life that are funny. (And happy to say, no one has ever gotten hurt at one of my shows! )
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY ! (2nd Sat. Night Of Each Month)
1-800-856-1884 • www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726
18 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
Lake Legal News
Comedy-Watch
La keaLeg tchal News
W Comedy-
A Quarterly Magazine
y! Free Cop
‟ Watch
ing Re
al Life,
Issue No. 20
#1
ughs For La
Just
”
5
ck / james
steidl and
CagleCa
rtoons.c
om / Dave
Granlun
d
th Ann iver sar y Issue!
Bringing life back to boring waiting rooms throughout Lake County! Advertisers: “Go Quarterly, Or Go Broke!”
Thinksto
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www.LakeLegalNews.com • (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
19
Thinkstock / Siri Stafford
CA
! E M N O I PT
Suggested CAPTION: “Who says ‘mall security’ isn't serious business?! 20 Comedy-Watch • Issue #3
K O N
? ! G N I IDD
By: James Hope, J.D. FROM JUNGLE FLOOR TO DESSERT PLATE IN MINUTES! Quick!—which consumer item was yanked faster than a defective Japanese airbag? Hint: It was etable, and purposely made to resemble something that came out
“... Now Selling ‘Poop’ For Guests To Eat!” —www.Inquisitr.com / visited 9-24-15
“Dessert poop the new thing at Disney's Animal Kingdom” —www.Orlandosentinel.com / visited 9-24-15
“...Now Selling ‘Poo’ in Giraffe, Hippo flavors” —www.Time.com / visited 9-24-15
“...Animal Kingdom Wants You To Eat Poop For Dessert” —www.Eater.com / visited 9-24-15
“[Disney's] animal poop candy looks a little too realistic” —www.Sheknows.com / visited 9-24-15
Issue #3 • Comedy-Watch
Thinkstock / Brian Jackson and flyfloor
of the ‘business-end’ of a elephant, rhino, giraffe, or cotton-top tamarin. Kind of a jungle-floor-fudge... Yum-yum! Well, it seems that the folks at Disney—who long ago embraced Winnie the Pooh without ever telling us what a “Pooh” is, come to think of it!?—tried to introduce a poo of a completely different sort. In fact, the Orlando Sentinel reported that a $3.99 serving of the crass dessert at Disney's Animal Kingdom was “enough poo for two”—with signs instructing guests to “match the species” to what's on their plate—such as “a stack of five chocolate-brown pellets” that presumably are still warm from a ‘giraffe encounter’ the likes of which you've not seen! Evidently, the novelty of dark, squooshy, food (which posed as poop, posing as food—wait, that's circular), packed too much culinary Disney ‘magic’ for Animal Kingdom guests to swallow. Within a matter of two weeks, Disney had already cleaned Zuri's Sweets Shop of all traces of the excremental... uh... experimental treats, leaving now two classes of Disney Animal Kingdom denizens: Humans who once ate poo, and cotton-top tamarins who probably still do.
21
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Mike Keefe, Cagle Cartoons
www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
d
w a r
22 Comedy-Watch â&#x20AC;˘ Issue #3
i us o l n c S n . o c g in
Issue #3 â&#x20AC;˘ Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sacl, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
24 Comedy-Watch â&#x20AC;˘ Issue #3
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
Issue #3 â&#x20AC;˘ Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Gary McCoy, Cagle Cartoons
www.CagleCartoons.com / Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons
26 Comedy-Watch â&#x20AC;˘ Issue #3
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
www.CagleCartoons.com / Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
Issue #3 â&#x20AC;˘ Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
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Issue #3 â&#x20AC;˘ Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
h g i l S
Of f. d ' e e T tly
LOOK TO YOUR LEFT
!
Thinkstock / gmenacom
{ I said left, idiot! }
30 Comedy-Watch â&#x20AC;˘ Issue #3
Fla. Bar Board Certified Criminal Trial Law Expert Qualifications: I have practiced criminal law in Tavares, Florida, for 27 years. I am a former Assistant State Attorney, with supervisory experience at the juvenile, misdemeanor, felony and postconviction relief levels, including a designation as Lake County's first sex battery and first careercriminal prosecutor. My actual jury trial experience ranges from shoplifting and DUI to capital sexual battery and first degree murder—and I have stood before a felony jury an average of twice-a-year for 27 years. In fact, I have quadruple the number of felony jury trials required for initial Board Certification.
Contact Info:
Available for a free consultation (“Of Counsel”) through the Law Office of Zachary J. McCormick, 210 N. Texas Ave., Tavares, Florida. To reach me:
(352) 742-7474 • www.ZJMlaw.com, or (352) 742-3488 • www.AttorneyJames Hope.com
James Hope, J.D.
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