Volume XLIII Issue 420 (April Fool's Issue)

RANDOM MCMAHON SIRENS SIGNAL PURGE

By QUINCY REYES Sole Survivor

Disclaimer: No one is actually missing. We think.

From rodent neighbors to burst pipes, Fordham University’s McMahon Hall residents are no strangers to interruptions. But what started as a peaceful night on March 31 quickly turned into a nightmare of chaos and fear. As bleary-eyed residents stumbled out of their rooms in pajamas due to another fire safety announcement, they soon realized that the blaring alarms were not a routine fire drill but rather a terrifying signal: The Purge had begun.

The Purge, a twelve-hour period where all crime, including murder, is legal, has been the subject of a popular movie franchise for years, spanning multiple sequels and adaptations. In what initially seemed like Hollywood’s next attempt to revitalize a classic trope, this fictional world of mayhem and madness has now become a reality for students residing in Fordham Lincoln Center’s 20-story residence hall.

‘SPSOSJSJSDPLDPS jsalfjdlkjsd’, the building’s Fire Safety Director Ron Chee said. ‘AHjfsdj, ASHSFGUASDF AKUGJSDFAEH’.

Chee added that The Purge’s purpose was to act as a community effort to allow students to experience the realities that their rich neighbors of the Upper West Side have to face.

see PURGE page 3

By SHELBY WILLIAMS

Lover of Bloomin’ Onions

In an email sent to the Fordham community on Feb. 31, University President Tania Tetlow, J.D., announced that adolescent True Jackson, VP (vice president), has been appointed as the new senior vice president for student affairs. The decision stemmed from Jackson’s predecessor, Jeffrey Gray, sharing his plans for retirement after having worked at Fordham for thirty-four years.

Tetlow shared that Jackson’s experience as the VP of youth apparel at Mad Style, a New York-based fashion company, has well-prepared her for her newfound endeavors in academia. Becoming the VP for student affairs at fifteen, Jackson will be the youngest person appointed to a faculty position in Fordham’s history.

‘Being 3 years below the median age of American college first-years, Jackson is already breaking barriers and paving the way for the next generation of Fordham faculty’, Tetlow said.

The president highlighted that prior to joining the Fordham community, Jackson gained lots of experience in crisis management in her day-to-day operations as VP at Mad Style. Tetlow referred to some of Jackson’s notable achievements, including coupling

her former boss with her high school’s librarian, pretending to be a famous supermodel, and overspending on her company credit card.

JEFFREY GRAY

and faculty eager to see what changes she will bring to the school. Petra Fried, FCLC (Fordham College at Lincoln Center) ‘24 and a fashion studies minor, is specifically interested in Jackson’s fashion expertise.

‘It’s great that we’ll be hearing from someone who knows what tabi shoes are and not a geriatric leader all the time’, she said. ‘I heard a rumor that she’s thinking of changing the school colors to be more chic and implementing a dress code. It’s exciting to see someone bring the change that Fordham truly needs’.

True Jackson, incoming VP of student affairs

The role of senior VP of student affairs is responsible for overseeing student affairs functions, staff members, and the university’s budget. Now, at the university, Jackson is eager to apply both professional and personal skills to the collegiate world.

‘I’m really good at budgeting since I’ve only asked my dad for an advance on my allowance 3 times this month’, she said. ‘Plus, I study affairs all the time in magazines, so I can’t wait to learn about the ones between students’.

The news of Jackson’s appointment has caused quite a stir on campus, with students

On the other hand, Bea O’Problem, FCLC ‘26, has reservations about Jackson’s qualifications, citing her lack of a high school diploma as cause for concern.

‘While I appreciate her unique accomplishments, I’m concerned that her lack of experience in higher education will be a barrier to her effectiveness as senior vice president’, she said. ‘It’s important that we prioritize academics rather than focusing on a flashy name’.

Tetlow is eager to onboard Jackson and continue expanding the Fordham agenda. She expressed her excitement about having a ‘fresh perspective at the university’ and said that Fordham will experience some exciting changes in the months to come.

‘True’s forward-thinking approach to problem-solving

will unquestionably benefit our campus community and continue to deliver a world-class education at both Lincoln Center and Rose Hill’, Tetlow said. Jackson is set to assume her position at the beginning of the fall 2023 semester. She is eager to get to know students and faculty alike while continuing to add to her ridiculously

accomplished resume. While she’ll miss her former coworkers, Jackson is ready to move to bigger and better things.

‘Fresh and cool is just what I do’, Jackson said

“ I’m really good at budgeting since I’ve only asked my dad for an advance on my allowance 3 times this month. ”

‘I always thought that college would be the best years of my life, but I never imagined that they would include surviving The Purge’

”

QUINCY REYES/THE OBSERVER

FORDHAM FOOTBALL FORCED OFF FIELD

By JAKE ERACA [Redacted]

Despite Fordham’s precarious stance on a dwindling endowment, student athletics have long defined the extracurricular community at the university and been shielded from the lethal pen stroke signaling budget cuts. Recently, however, with a new budget approved by University President Tania Tetlow, J.D., a catastrophic blow has been dealt to the Fordham football team, forcing them to practice on the Outdoor Plaza at the university’s Lincoln Center campus on alternating Tuesdays.

With the university being classified as Division 1 in the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletics Association) and having won a slew of conference championships in football, women’s basketball, men’s soccer, and softball, there is a prominent sect of the Fordham population involved with student athletics — whether they be on club or school teams.

‘ We requested funding for chartered helicopters to games, and when the request got denied, what did we do? Nothing! We took it like men.

Peter Pants, former linebacker, FCRH ’23

Fordham football has been pushed from its regular practice locations and onto the Outdoor Plaza as a result of the budget’s effect, much to the dismay and amusement of the students

involved. To date, footballs kicked during practice have broken several windows across both McKeon and McMahon Halls, as well as car windows after the equipment was punted onto the street.

In just a week, almost all of the janitorial supplies of paper goods and ammonia were stolen in an act of rebellion against the administration. .

The Jack Coffey Field at the Rose Hill Campus will be replaced by a Target and Trader Joe’s shopping complex. Rose Hill students will no longer have to travel to the Lincoln Center campus to shop for their groceries and can instead enjoy access to these stores from the comfort of their gated community.

Despite violent outcry against the budget and supporters protesting en masse, Tetlow has firmly established herself as an equal opportunity buzzkill to the athletics teams. Upon confirmation of the budget changes, Fordham Athletics threatened Tetlow with yet another unionization attempt, which immediately failed due to the university already having caved to prior unionization requests.

No private institution can be too helpful in determining the quality of life of their constituents — that would mean risking spending too much of the endowment on things other than new buildings! Upon hearing of the practice schedule, Fordham football experienced

an immediate 40% unenrollment spike due to HGH-induced (human growth hormone) manic episodes at the news.

‘We’ve already dealt with so much targeting from the current administration’, Peter Pants, FCRH (Fordham College at Rose Hill) ‘23 and a former linebacker for the Fordham Rams, said prior to dropping out following the news. ‘We requested funding for chartered helicopters to games, and when the request got denied, what did we do? Nothing! We took it like men’.

Pants added that the team’s response to the ban on electric scooters was reasonable, despite reports of hundreds of smashed windows: ‘We could’ve done so much more, but we really internalized the Jesuit mission on our team. We’re men for others. But this, this is just too far’.

Aside from the roided-out players let loose onto campus, Fordham’s football staff has started producing copies of campus skeleton keys and distributing them to the student body. In just a week, almost all of the janitorial supplies of paper goods and ammonia were stolen in an act of rebellion against the administration.

In addition to stealing supplies, Fordham Rose Hill’s dorms now contain an unidentified number of students sharing the allotted living space along with already-overcrowded rooms. First-years have been reported for ‘fixing the housing crisis’ (direct quote) by moving in extra friends and LC (Lincoln Center) roommates who were forced away from Rose Hill after the university accepted more students than it could house.

In an emergency response given to student press a week into the incident, Tetlow is a changed woman, much like U.S. presidents after a strenuous term. In terse, frantic snippets, the

president reported that all university resources are displaced and steadily becoming communal.

She highlighted that armchairs are suddenly missing from offices overnight, library books have been found in the most unlikely of places, such as toilets, and the entire campus has managed to contract a SuperFlu variant due to the herd immunity of the student body

MCSHANE DEBUTS ON BROADWAY

being compromised (see the dorm overflow situation), ironically right after Fordham lifted its vaccine mandate.

Closing the press conference, hands gripping the podium, Tetlow is reported as delivering a teary-eyed apology to the football students, begging them to re-enroll and pay the extra tuition they owe from the most recent increase.

The former Fordham president proved himself to be a jack of all trades post-retirement: priest, president and play-actor.

By ALYSSA DAUGHDRILL Meme Connoisseur

Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., announced in September 2021 that he intended to retire the following summer. In June 2022, his retirement began, concluding his nineteen years of service as the university’s president. Now, his long awaited Broadway debut has been announced. Despite his title of president emeritus, it is not student drama that the showstopping McShane craves — if all the world’s a stage, he’s happy to announce his time in the literal spotlight.

The unconventional expansion of his outreach has turned heads and raised questions, but little can be done to dispute his command of the stage.

The contentious return of the rock-opera Jesus Christ Superstar to Broadway is set even further apart because of McShane’s role as one of the Apostles. Though the show’s initial debut

in 1971 was met with intense protest from a multitude of religious groups, within the next few years it apparently found the approval of the Vatican. While unanticipated, McShane’s involvement is a far from unwelcome development. According to Premier Christianity, Pope Paul VI thought the musical would open people’s minds to Christianity, and the album was added to the Vatican Radio’s playlists.

The rock opera offers an alternate retelling of the Biblical story of Jesus’ life and death from the perspective of Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus and led to the crucifixion. This version of the story paints Judas more favorably: He made choices in accordance with what he thought best embodied Jesus’ teachings, just like people do everyday. In these tumultuous times, McShane hopes that seeing this depiction of an everyman doing their best and receiving consequences will provide him the platform to impart another lesson upon the university students he once presided over, while also giving him the opportunity to embrace his flair for the dramatics and passion for the stage.

McShane expressed that he “hopes to live not just in the hearts of his students, but in the hearts of his fans” when asked about ending his brief retirement and career change.

Ever dedicated to embodying the tenets of cura personalis, or “care of the whole person”, McShane believes that his time on the stage will help him to grow emotionally, morally, and spiritually, and he hopes his adventurous endeavor will encourage others to act in accordance with what will allow their artistic side to prosper as well, so that they may grow into well rounded individuals. As an academic and Jesuit priest,

McShane has dedicated a significant portion of his life to serious, rigorous pursuits, and he hopes that his time on Broadway will prove to be an invigorating workout of different traits and strengths.

The unconventional expansion of his outreach has turned heads and raised questions, but little can be done to dispute his command of the stage.

Students are encouraged to attend his opening night

performance, as well as those in the following weeks. While Jesus Christ Superstar’s return to Broadway is limited, the memory of McShane’s contributions to the production will undoubtedly live on in viewers’ memories for years to come. Members of Fordham’s theater department are especially excited to see his performance and have claimed him as one of their own.

Due to recent budget cuts, Fordham’s Lincoln Center campus faces a new invasive species — student-athletes.

’

GRAPHIC BY AURELIEN CLAVAUD/THE OBSERVER

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/THE OBSERVER

SECRET LIFE: NOT SO SECRET

By KREENA VORA Chief Move Critic

The Secret Life of College Journalists follows 5 students at Florham University’s satellite campus as they navigate personal problems and the struggles of running their school newspaper, The Perceiver. The movie highlights 5 main characters and takes a look into their lives both inside and outside of the paper as well as the friendships and drama that comes with seeing the same people every. single. day.

The movie tries to be relatable, as if this is a shared experience among all who attend college, but the director seems a little stuck reliving his own days in college and less focused on telling a story.

The opening scene showed a tiny room housed with about ten computers reflecting The Perceiver’s newsroom. The space is packed, noisy, and chaotic, full of old papers, a printer that does more work not working, random knick-knacks, and obscure drawings on the whiteboards. People walk in and out of the room, with some sitting on the floor and others adding to the whiteboard. Very little work seems to be getting done, but everyone is having a great time.

As the movie continues, it turns out that all of these characters live with other people that are a part of The Perceiver. We see their friendships and the drama that comes with seeing the same people in multiple situations. While this is all very cute and nostalgic, no central plot has emerged yet.

The movie continues in this manner, going back and forth between the newsroom and their

apartments. Time passes, but nothing really changes. None of our characters have a true motive, and with that comes no progress. The movie is somewhat like Seinfeld in its stagnancy.

In fact, it seems like what the director really wanted to create was a TV show. In a TV show, characters can be more fleshed out, including supporting characters. Currently, splitting just a couple of hours between even our 5 main characters leaves a lot to be desired. Whereas if this movie was a miniseries, it would provide enough time for each character to be given a deeper personality and motivations.

‘RAMSPA’ PROMPTS TUITION INCREASE

The ‘bath room’

By SHELBY WILLIAMS Lover of Bloomin’ Onions

GRAPHIC BY KREENA VORA/THE OBSERVER

himself was a part of his college newspaper and he took inspiration from his own peers for characters.

‘Working on The Perceiver was the best part of my college experience, and this movie is a tribute to that in some way’, he said.

A 6% tuition and room-andboard increase for the 2023-24 academic year was announced on March 30 in emails sent to the Fordham community from University President Tania Tetlow, J.D. This announcement is attributed to new renovations that are set to take place in the summer to install the RamSpa, a bathing room and extension of McMahon’s RamFit Center that will replace the fourteenth floor’s soft lounge that ate my dollar while I was trying to buy a Coke today.

as well as a Bluetooth surround sound system. Upon request, the presidential dog, Archie, will reenact the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene with you for optimum happiness increase.

Many students may opt out of their personal music for the wailing sounds of RamSpa’s attendant Moaning Myrtle. She will be available to monitor water temperature, restock towels, and give massages using the sound waves produced by the sounds of her misery. Visitors are encouraged to avoid angering Myrtle for the sake of RamSpa’s plumbing systems.

The highlight of the movie was the one time we see the physical paper being put together. It’s a fast-paced scene full of dialogue that would not be out of place in an episode of Gilmore Girls. It’s the only time we see the operations of a newspaper, and our characters actually act like budding journalists. A lot of the rest of the movie is filled with moments and conversations in their personal lives, so this scene was a refreshing break.

In an interview, the director, Gnome Snow, noted that he

Snow has also mentioned the possibility of there being sequels to The Secret Life of College Journalists which would follow different characters in different situations. He has mentioned wanting a sequel that is written as a mockumentary of the workings of a college newspaper, which may actually help the series. Hopefully these sequels come with more focus on a plot, or the form is changed to a miniseries and not a movie.

In my expert critique, the movie is not all bad. Despite the lack of plot, individual scenes are funny and emotional, and the characters are very human. The pacing of the movie and its plot may also be better served as a miniseries rather than a movie.

Many Fordham students have complained about the lack of opportunity to take a nice, relaxing bubble bath after a stressful day. This change comes from a desire to advance university mental health efforts as well as increase university resident satisfaction. This definitely gets an A-plus from myself and my closest colleagues.

‘I am ecstatic about this new installation’, Funk E. Aroma, FCLC (Fordham College at Lincoln Center) ‘24, shared. ‘As an aspiring Twitch streamer, I don’t have much incentive to stop grinding and take a shower. Maybe this will change that’.

The bathing room will include noncandle mood lighting, assorted bubble bath solution, Crayola bath markers, and a Ramses-themed rubber ducky. There will also be a cinema-sized television fixed with Tetlow’s personal streaming accounts,

CHAOS REIGNS DURING NIGHT OF TERROR

PURGE from page 1

The dimly lit halls of McMahon became a battleground as residents readied themselves for the night of their lives. Their first priority? Raiding the vending machines on the fourteenth floor. Students stormed the laundry rooms, not to pick up the sopping piles of clothes on the washing machines but to find their next OOTD (outfit of the day) for school.

Some strategies that were seen during this horror scene included students creating and hoarding makeshift tools, while others barricaded themselves in their rooms. Students had also chosen to band together for safety but had found themselves unable to trust those who they’d deemed their closest friends and roommates.

argued over whose turn it was to do the dishes while others fought over who got to use the last of the hot water for their second shower of the night.

Although most students took the night as an opportunity to engage in criminal behavior, some residents ignored the alarms and proceeded to live life normally.

‘I woke up to my roommates fighting because someone’s commemorative ramen bowl was stuck in the sink. I thought it was just a normal day’, Ella Vator, GSBLC (Gabelli School of Business at Lincoln Center) ‘25, said.

‘I tried to get all of my suitemates together for safety, but it turns out they were the ones drinking my almond milk’, Anna Conda, FCLC (Fordham College at Lincoln Center) ‘26, said. ‘I locked myself in the back bathroom, and I haven’t looked back’.

As the night drew on, crimes began to elevate. Roommates

‘My heart sank when I stepped outside and saw our neighbors’ apartment fully trashed’.

While the Office of Residential Life’s staff members were not made aware of The Purge, they were officially relieved of their duties and were free to partake in the night’s events. One RA (resident assistant), FCLC ‘24, who

wished to remain anonymous due to concerns over their private business ventures stemming from their apartment, shared that they carried out their previously scheduled health and safety inspections.

‘I had this one group of boys who threw a party, another group of girls put up string lights and scented candles, and I think I even saw someone trying to smuggle in a basket of stray kittens, but they passed with flying colors’, the RA said.

The anonymous RA added that the only violation they gave was for the apartment on their floor that left their door bolted.

‘Come on, guys. I get it’s The Purge, but you can’t have fire hazards’, they said. ’You know that’s a fine’.

As the sun rose on a new day, The Purge ended as abruptly as it began, leaving behind a trail of chaos and confusion. Students

emerged from their apartments, red-eyed and shaken, as they tried to make sense of the night’s thrilling events.

Despite the fear and absurdity, many students found some solace in the fact that they had made it through the night alive and were ready to tackle another thrilling day at Fordham Lincoln Center.

‘I always thought that college would be the best years of my life, but I never imagined that they would include surviving The Purge’, Stew Pidd, FCLC ‘24, said. ‘I never thought I’d be grateful for a night without any dishes in the sink, but after we went through, I’ll take it’.

In the days since The Purge, search and rescue efforts have been largely unsuccessful, with many students remaining unaccounted for. Chee noted that no additional efforts will be made to find these students since the event was blown out of proportion.

Residents of McKeon and McMahon Halls will be able to reserve their bath time on 25Live in sixty- and one hundred and twenty-minute increments. They will be permitted 3 bathing sessions per semester before being referred to an off-campus spa house. Between reservations, a Roomba mop will scrub the tub to ensure minimal cross-contamination and decrease the spread of foot fungus.

Despite initial concerns regarding the tuition and roomand-board fee increase, the decision to install a new spa in McMahon Hall appears to be a positive step forward for the overall satisfaction of the campus community and reflects recent efforts to be more transparent in university spending. Stay tuned for more updates from this Lover of Bloomin’ Onions. Shelby out.

Observer the

Righteous Overlord

Allie Stofer

Pepsi Drinker Maryam Beshara

Pee’d Her Pants Ana Kevorkian

Sole Survivor Quincy Reyes

(S)layout Editor

Aurelien Clavaud

Midwest Representative Tara Lentell

Lover of Bloomin’ Onions

Shelby Williams

Chief Movie Critic Kreena Vora

Meme Connoisseur

Alyssa Daughdrill [Redacted]

Jake Eraca

I’m Never Going to Rome Again. Alyssa Macaluso

aims to create a spa-like experience within McMahon.

Fire Safety Director Ron Chee offered a strange explanation for the months of mysterious alarms in McMahon.

AURELIEN CLAVAUD/THE OBSERVER

Residents of McMahon Hall reel from almond milk theft and presumed kidnappings that resulted from The Purge.

Gnome Snow’s cerebral snooze-fest has too many college newspaper nerds and not enough drama.

‘ Working on The Perceiver was the best part of my college experience. ’

Gnome Snow, director of The Secret Life of College Journalists

‘ Come on guys, I get it’s The Purge, but you can’t have fire hazards. You know that’s a fine. ’ anonymous RA, literally, what a cop

un & ames

Crossword: your mom

1. What you are about to be

1. What you are about to be

2. What do you think this word is?

3. I’m not giving you any hints

4. Figure it out

5. Today.

6. .yadoT

7. Still stuck on this one?

8. Seriously?

9. Try harder

10. I’m disappointed in you.

1. Good luck.

2. No way

3. You won’t get it

4. Yes?

5. But also no?

6. Sure

9. das

10. Come on

11. Are you kidding me?

13. And the

14. You will also not get this one

15.A tree produces it

19. Are you feeling discouraged yet?

21. Bye <3

BY ALLIE STOFER

maze: figure it out.

ALLIE STOFER

Are YOU Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Want to test if your Fordham degree is actually preparing you for the random trivia of life? Take the quiz below!

1. What is the integral of ∫sinxdx?

• 0

• π

• The treble-clef thingy

• cosx

2. Which fast-food company pioneered a chicken-flavored nail polish?

• Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers

• KFC

• Popeyes

• The soul-sucking anti-gay capitalistic enterprise that is Chick-fil-A

3. Name the well-known island country known for its

3 Rs: reggae, romance, and running.

• Long Island

• Madagascar

• Hawaii

• Jamaica

Sudoku

BY TARA LENTELL

Instructions: Each row, column and 3×3 box must contain the numbers 1-9 exactly once.

4. Crying after sex is a normal response clinically termed as what?

• Sad Sexy Time™

• Vasovasostomy

• Postcoital Dysphoria

• Choledocholithiasis

5. In 2018, a bag of twenty-seven what was discovered by a fisherman in Siberia?

• Human hands

• Fish

• Marbles

• Snowflake paper cutouts

BY ALYSSA MACALUSO