realized that she defied the typical kind of high maintenance girl and problems that often come with it. The more I learned about her inner qualities in a variety of scenarios (relationship related or not) the more I naturally became attracted to her on the inside and out to the point where they were indistinguishable from each other. Basically, her inner qualities made me more attracted to her outer appearances and it all became one in the same. This is what I call loving from the inside or (insight) out. A love that takes time to unravel. A love that does not get caught up in looks alone and instead develops/unfolds/evolves as time goes on. We don’t argue. We don’t break up and go back and forth. We don’t raise our voices in anger. We don’t degrade each other. We don’t blame shift. We communicate effectively and efficiently. It is not some cheap version of a relationship that relies only on the presence of the other to vent at. It’s love that was built and expanded upon for all the right reasons and continues to be strong and positive through the worst of times during my illnesses. I am allowed to be me and she’s allowed to be her and we know what that is because we took the time to discover and understand and appreciate it from the start and as time went on. Problems between us are practically non-existent and if there are any they are dealt with mutually, with equal opportunity for each to explain ourselves. Love seems to be the most important thing in the world to most people, yet ironically they do the poorest job at it. To me, I never searched for love in life, I guess mostly because riding was my everything and it seemed to suffice. But it turns out that I am pretty good at it (according to her) and comparatively to what I see out there in the world. I don’t pretend to be an exemplary model of morals when looking at my whole life. But I see so much shallowness and inability of the average couples to make things work, that it seems to me that they are in it for all the wrong reasons and they need to take a step back and re-assess themselves, their potential, and find a way to conjure up some depth and substance and intellect and control over their raw emotions so each is seen for who they really are. It seems as if when entering a relationship, especially a marriage, people are expected to leave a big portion of their humanity at the door. People seem to get swept away and think that it’s always going to be like w hat it first was when first meeting. Oh, how powerful sex and emotions can be, and oh how... (excuse me for saying) dumb it makes people... incapable of predicting a foreseeable disastrous forecast by overlooking obvious incompatibilities. When we think of people taking personal responsibility for what and how they observe the world around them, and the degree to which it dictates the opinions they hold, we hope that the greater amount of control is in the hands of the individual and that the person/entity/essence steps up to the plate and decides to do the navigating/directing of their own lives. The problem that we immediately run into is that everything that is observed/experienced (taken in by the senses, combining with firing neurons) is most likely what’s producing the consciousness that IS what makes up that “individual”. If we see this “self” as a result of the external stimuli then it is hard to draw a distinction between that outside influence and the “person” and thus we have great difficulty in expecting “personal responsibility”. The blame is always spread so thin and the sources are always so many and so vague that the term “personal choice” is almost a complete joke. Who is doing the choosing? And the who is made up of all the whats which essentially become one, yet a multiplicity of confused selves. Having said all that I still think it is a noble (albeit futile) goal to attain authentic existence by being aware of what we are being fed through the senses, which can (in the best of cases) result is some control of what may be very loosely referred to as the individual and
its ability to choose what imagery affects us. By doing this we become more in tune with our surroundings and even possibly less brainwashed. I have asked myself many times: Am I more attracted to chubbier girls as a result of some sort of subconscious rebellion to what I know everyone else seems to be attracted to, hence just being indirectly brainwashed in a different way? However, I already provided a fairly valid reason why I’m often turned off by typically attractive women...it’s because what is most likely on their mind is what determines whether or not I’m attracted to them. Many readers may think I’m full of shit, and that I’m just trying to act superior or un-affected by the world... but in my opinion it’s because they may not imagine anyone actually thinking the ways I do. It would be very easy for any of my readers to think that I only have these views because I prefer chubbier women, and therefore I have built up this philosophy/reasoning to justify it all. I cannot stop you from thinking that. I can only say that it is not true. My desire to see a world with more people who are less superficial is my main motive here. And by the way, if a thinner woman who happened to be more typically attractive had the type of mentality I like then I would still be attracted to her. Simply stated, I prefer the people I associate with and the women I have sex with to be truly open minded in the ways I have briefly described in this article. My plea is to anyone out there who has a very limited range of what they think is physically attractive in another human being. As always, I am asking people to examine the factors/sources that may be motivating them to think/see things this way. It seems like I am asking the impossible: For people to increase the body types and weights and colors and looks and world views that they see as attractive. To erase the strictly stereotypical view of beauty as the only acceptable version, and connect on a level that allows deeper and more authentic communication. Again I ask, how can this even be attempted, and why would anyone want to do it? I guess the first thing is to address your own ego and refuse to give into the pressure that the world puts on you to see things a certain way. Realize that most of the time, the images of beauty and sex that are shown are a way of selling a product by getting you where your basic human instincts are subconsciously vulnerable. The second is to bi-pass an initial conclusive judgment on the attractiveness of the person. For example: throw the fuck away this idea of a “perfect 10” and scoring people by numbers on their outer looks. Ask yourself: how vain and narcissistic am I that I need to only bother talking to or having sex with what I think everyone else thinks is attractive? This may knock yourself down a few notches and become humbled and more realistic. Be open to talking to people who are of average or “below average” looks and just talk. You see, it goes together: the less superficial you are, the more you are likely to actually care about what is on the mind of the person, their worldviews, beliefs etc. This will bring out something more out of you and them and you may begin to notice things about people that you previously never thought about or considered important. The world shouldn’t revolve around a skinny typically hot chick with big tits and money and your ego. Instead of facilitating and fueling a superficial and cheap quick fix mentality and lowering the bar, you can instead actually contribute to the “Human Raise”. Chase
Three decades of Flatland and Chase Gouin attempts to rise from the ashes of chronic mental and physical diseases with the help of his ‘whole-e trinity’ of bikes and a ‘heavenly light’ from behind the curtain call. Only time will tell if he can re-ignite the fires of hell on wheels.