F O R E V E R YOUNG I
I
'M
AFRAID TO GET OLD
.
B Y K A Y T I E G A U S
've written a few drafts of this piece. Tried to add a little bit of fluff, tried to make myself seem a little less crazy, but I'm just going to say it. I'm afraid of getting older. I'm afraid of getting older when you read that, what did you think? Did you laugh at me or did you nod your head in agreement? When I was a teenager, I had a longing to be older. A desire to be in charge of myself. I couldn't wait to grow older. I looked forward to graduating college, getting a place on my own, perhaps getting a "big girl job," getting married, and maybe starting a family shortly after. I looked at the lives of women I admired, and women I didn't know, and I couldn't wait to get to that point soon. Well, about 10 years later and I'm here. The diploma I worked so hard for? Don't use it in the field I'm in. The house I dreamt about? Fills my weekends with chores instead of sleeping in and doing what I please. The dream career I thought I would have? Still trying to figure that out. The marriage I hoped for? Although it is a blessing from God, it's not the fairytale society told me I would get. The family I thought I would have by now? God is showing me it's not my time yet. By 22, I had crossed of most of the "milestones" from my list and started to realize that I was this "grown up" that I had always wanted to be. Although proud and thankful to the Lord for getting me to where I was, I had this longing for more, and yet another desire to just slow down time. And at times, a desire to go back in time. I was barely 20 years old when I met my husband. And at times, I can't believe six and a half years have already passed by. I still feel like that young girl on the inside, but as I flip through pictures, those portraits say otherwise. I spend time in the mirror picking apart my appearance, not because I don't feel beautiful, but because I see time making it's mark on my face. I see lines forming at my eyes for squinting at my computer the past five years at work. I see discoloration under my eyes, letting me know once again I am not getting enough sleep. I've been obsessed with discovering the fountain of youth. Trying to find a way to stop the aging process, both in appearance and with time. Trying to hold on to these days so tightly, not allowing myself to look forward to the future. I'm not sure if it is society that has made me feel that getting older is a curse or if I, in my own mind, have checked of a lot of the big milestones making me fear if there's anything ahead. But I have come to realize this. That the best is yet to come. God didn't design us to be stagnant at one age. He is instilling new dreams inside me each passing year, and gives me something to look forward to. And those laugh lines that are forming around my mouth? Those prove to me that I have laughed, smiled, and brought a little joy into the world. What God has shown to me is that a face marked with lines and wrinkles, is a face that has lived. It's a face that has laughed, cried, kissed, eaten, a spoken, experienced life, and loved. I'm not going to let society's opinion about age, beauty, and accomplishments dictate how I look at myself and live my life. We cannot stop time, and why try? “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34