Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue (25th Anniversary Issue) by Tufts Zamboni

FALL 2014

Museum of Bad Art to Host Exhibition of President Anthony Monaco’s Personal Works The Somerville Theater, located in Davis Square is hosting a brand-new exhibition this month in their world-renown Gallery of Bad Art, entitled “Tony Monaco: Confessions of a Rebel”, featuring the never-before-seen works of our talented president. The Zamboni was given a sneek peak at the exhibition, and these are some of our favorite featured pieces! Discounted tickets go on sale next week at the Cohen box office for two dollars and half of a Kit Kat bar.

What’s in this Issue? News Predicts Which Ice Cream Flavor You Are With Striking Accuracy News3 Quiz Ryan Hastings-Echo 3

TEMS Disbands, Lets Natural Selection Decide Students’ Fates Aviva Schmitz

4 4 Obama Announces Plan to Defeat iSIS Sam Weitzman Al-Qaeda Wins Local Emmy Ryan Hastings-Echo 5 Fletcher Student Sets Apartment Ablaze Connor des Rochers Night Club Erected Emily Garber Features6 New TUPD Triples Safety Alert Emails Brian Rose 5 IR Major Is Considerate of Other Cultures Ethan Hartzell 7 Tufts Dining Hacks Student’s iCloud Accounts Jake Halpin 6 39-Year Old Virgin Sent to Space Ryan Hastings-Echo 7 8

Features 98 109 10 11 Opinion12 11 13 14 12

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Zamboni pays tribute to Emily Barns ‘15, editor-at-large and fallen star in obitchuaries on p.28

“How I Discovered DNA” by Tony Monaco Matt Chervin Celebrity Followings Justin Landzberg Zamboni’s Guide to ABC Parties Megan MacCallum Tufts Alums: Where Are They Now? Aviva Schmitz, Pinar Yasar Zamboni’s Guide to Counting to 10 Ben Pall Drunk Advice for Drunk People Carolyn Margulies Day in the Life of the Acorn Head Rachel Rapaport Personal Ads for Personal Problems Megan MacCallum Top 5 Places to Shit at Tufts Lucas Zerah

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Romance Opinion 13 Fun &

15 OP-ED: Help The Davis Homeless Lucas Zerah Runners: What are they Looking For? Asha Norman-Hunt 14 15 Games 16 16 PUZZLES PAGE! Kerry Crowley, Craig Drennan 17 Overheard at Medford High Adam Kercheval Not your grandma’s bison loaf! Chef Z shows us how to make this classic dish pop on p.72

(f)Arts

18 “The Giving BMW” Paul Templeton 20 The Poetry Reach-Around Lucas Zerah, Emily Garber, Carolyn Margulies

Art

Creative Director Front Cover Back Cover Layout Front Inside-Cover Back Inside-Cover

Graham Starr, Connor des Rochers Graham Starr Graham Starr, Connor des Rochers Ethan Hartzell Graham Starr, Connor des Rochers

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

A Word

from the

editor

I should preface this editor’s note with a disclaimer: we at The Zamboni did not actually know how old we were1 until really quite recently. In fact, if you go through old Sometime Fall 2014

Vol. XXVI, No. 1

Editor-in-Chief Graham “Jorts” Starr Managing Editors Connor “Iron-on Patches” des Rochers Megan “Mock Turtleneck” MacCallum Editors-at-Large Emily “RIP” Barns Emily “Speed Skating” Garber Ryan “Furby” Hastings-Echo Ben “Pokeman” Pall Rachel “Cabbage Patch” Rapaport Brian “Jodi Picoult” Rose Jordan “Goosebumps” Rossen Paul “Sweater Vest” Templeton Staff Kavya “Beanie Baby” Boorgu Ross “Bolo Tie” Bretherton Matt “Disco” Chervin Kerry “Michael Phelps” Crowley Craig “Zeke” Drennan Jake “Palm Pilot” Halpin Ethan “Pet Rock” Hartzell Christian “Hula Hoop” Kelly Adam “Grunge” Kercheval Justin “Imperialism” Landzberg Andrew “Emo” Leibert Jesse “Crocs” Litvin Carolyn “Magic Treehouse” Margulies Jehan “MySpace” Madhani Asha “Livestrong” Norman-Hunt Aviva “Cash 4 Gold” Schmitz Alex “Atkins Diet” Shimmel Glenn “Mullet” VanWinkle Sam “Peace” Weitzman Pinar “Big Hair” Yasar Lucas “Milk” Zerah Editors Emeriti Josh Wolk Brett Weiner Stephanie Vallejo Francis Dahl Michael Yarsky Devin Toohey Michael Schecht Matthew Luz Luke Burns Ryan Oliveira Matt McGowen Andrew Reisman Laura “Velour Track Suit” Rathsmill William “Fat Camp” Owen

February 3rd, 1746 and yesterday. So the editorial board spent the past several months trying to track down our history. There was some contention on the subject sobriety2 by the Greek Titan Chronos. Still others contest that The Zamboni has both of which play kickball and have water slides, and are probably a bit more fun than the weird dank room in which we hold our weekly meetings. the Zamboni, Josh Wolk A91, to his home in a volcano base on Guadalupe. There were Zunes everywhere and he was asleep and very surprised we were there. To be fair, it would’ve probably been best for us to write a letter, make a phone call, or even just send an email with our questions before was indifferent to greet us. He answered some of our questions and assured us that So, dear readers, we’ve spent the past several months vying for your approval, staging century, and listening to the new Taylor Swift album for inspiration. We hope this issue serves you well, and that if you like the things you see, you give us money or approval or share things. Maybe visit our website (tuftszamboni.com) and help us 25 years. Or else we might have to join TUTV.3 Ain’t that a kick in the head!

1 2

we were founded in October 1989 by drunk sophomores rare for anyone associated with the Zamboni

Join the Zamboni! Wednesdays @ 10 pm Campus Center Room 203

Or email us at TuftsZamboni@gmail.com Submissions welcome! Twitter: @TuftsZamboni Disclaimer and Editorial Policy: The Zamboni is a student-run humor and satire publication of Tufts

Omnipotent Creator of the Universe The Acorn Head

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NEWS New Study can Predict “Which Ice Cream Flavor are you” with 98% Accuracy by Judith Grossman

The psychology community was abuzz with excited chatter today over a new personality type assessment fresh out of the distinguished labs at Harvard. The new test, which claims almost flawless accuracy, is designed to allow researchers to determine which type of ice cream a given person is. “It’s really going to revolutionize the way we study the human brain,” says Carmen Sanchez, one of the project’s senior researchers. “We have been looking at people using outdated models like Myers-Briggs, and I think the new generation of psychologists is ready to make this change.” Lindsay Williams, one of the first to be evaluated by researchers using this new test, says the results surprised her. “I wasn’t expecting to be Rocky Road, because I have always seen it as such a masculine ice cream,” Williams says, “But then I read that us Rocky Roads are people who compromise fairly and try to be nice to everyone, but that sometimes we can lash out when we feel hurt. That’s me, you know? I can relate to that.” She went on to say that Rocky Roads are known to “perform well under pressure,” but that sometimes they “feel overworked”, just like she does. “It’s funny because my boyfriend got Strawberry,” she adds, “which is my favorite ice cream flavor. Not a lot of people know that about me.”

Madeline and Safiya are both Cookie Dough!

Sanchez and her team are not done leading the way for the psychology community. Also announced today was a new collaboration with the history department of UCLA to determine which era of history a subject should have lived in. “It’s groundbreaking research, and it’s too early to say anything for sure,” Sanchez says. “We have also been looking into a collaboration with our sociology department ‘Which TV Sitcom Friend Group is Most Like Yours?’, but at this time they fail to see the need for the study.” Judith Grossman is a Tufts Zamboni Contributor and Author who lives in Houston, TX ironically with her two small dogs. She is most like Chocolate ice cream because she sometimes gets overlooked, but she has great ideas and is always ready to comfort her friends. She is single and looking, DL white 130 5’4 C u host ;)

TEMS Disbands, Resolves to Let Natural Selection Run Its Course by Aviva Schmitz

MEDFORD – Tufts Emergency Medical Services president Ivan Proust shocked and enraged the Tufts community today by announcing that TEMS has officially ceased all operations.

members also stated that longstanding ethical concerns contributed to their decision to disband. It was responder Jack Fishell who first brought the immorality of TEMS intervention to the team’s attention.

“We have been puked on for the last time,” proclaimed Proust. “We’re tired of running around all night taking care of assholes who can’t handle their alcohol.”

“I joined TEMS two years ago just so I could make out with hot chicks during mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and feel their tits during chest compressions, but I always had a sense that what I was doing was wrong,” said Fishell. “I felt that we were saving people who didn’t deserve to be saved when the world is overpopulated anyway.”

Certainly, Proust and his TEMS peers have reason to be tired. In the past two weeks alone, TEMS has responded to 326 alcohol-related calls, with 122 of those calls necessitating an on-scene liver transplant. With no spare livers readily available, TEMS responders must often sacrifice a lobe of their own. “I swear to God, there are probably a hundred freshman walking around with a piece of my liver inside of them,” complained TEMS member Sara Holt. “Next time someone needs my liver, I’ll rip the whole thing out and shove it down their throat.” Asphyxiation by liver aside, TEMS

For years, Fishell didn’t dare voice his new perspective to other TEMS members, for fear that they would disagree with him. However, when Fishell and his fellow TEMS responder Joshua Mule attended a party together last semester, Fishell drunkenly confessed his secret to Mule. Although the night ended with the two men TEMS-ing each other, both miraculously retained memories of their conversation. Mule agreed with Fishell,

and together they presented their ideas to the rest of the TEMS crew the next day. While their views met with some initial resistance, within hours all team members had embraced natural selection. For them, the end of TEMS now comes as a welcome and long-awaited event. When asked if there is any possibility of TEMS’s reinstatement, Proust replied, “Absolutely not. We simply cannot continue to flout the universe’s natural progression.” Holt echoed Proust’s sentiments, though in a decidedly grittier fashion: “Sure, we could reinstate TEMS, but only if you’d agree to have your dick chopped off while you get your stomach pumped.” Considering that few students would willingly submit to sterilization, it looks as though TEMS really is gone for good. Drinking and drowning in one’s own vomit may soon be all the rage at Tufts.

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

NEWS

Obama Announces Plan to Defeat iSIS by Sam Weitzman

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama vowed to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the Integrated Student Information Service, more commonly known by its acronym, iSIS. In a speech to the nation late last evening, the president pledged to bring an end to Tufts University’s new online portal for student life. Employing tersely worded rhetoric, Obama called iSIS “a network of death” and “a terrorist organization, pure and simple.” The president cited its muddled dropdown menus, long loading times, and inaccessibility on mobile devices as specific reasons for the website’s complete annihilation. In a touching section of the speech, Obama focused on the tragic story of a young freshman whose hopes to take Chinese 1 were ended when iSIS failed to alert her of a conflict with Introduction to Community Health until it was too late. “As Americans,” Obama proclaimed, “we welcome our responsibility to lead.” Although exact details about the administration’s plans of action are still forthcoming, the president made it clear that he

intends to assemble a coalition of the willing at an emergency meeting later this week in Brussels. Privately, senior members of the Obama administration confirmed that the U.S. would continue drone strikes against high value targets in Davis Square, such as those hipsters working on compsci in Diesel, and that the U.S. has already placed special operations assault teams in Medford on standby. For now, public opinion seems to be on the side of the administration. A poll published by the Pew YikYak Center found that over sixty percent of respondents agree with the statement that “iSIS sucks more than the walk to Mail Services.” Although whether this bump in support for state action is only temporary remains to be seen. Speaking to reporters after the speech, White House press secretary Josh Earnest labeled iSIS “a threat to innocent people everywhere” and “impossible to use unless you’re Stephen fucking Hawking.” These comments echoed earlier statements from

Secretary of State John Kerry, who vowed that “those responsible for this heinous, vicious atrocity of a website will be held accountable.” President Anthony Monaco, a longrumored financier of iSIS’ more radical elements, could not be reached for comment.

Al Qaeda Wins Local Emmy by Ryan Hastings-Echo

SOMERVILLE, MA—Mixed congratulations through the entertainment world Wednesday as Al Qaeda, best known for their work in the “Osama bin Laden” viral video campaign, received a local Emmy for Lifetime Achievement in Television. The Lifetime Achievement Award, usually reserved for those The Academy believes have their best work behind them, comes as a huge shock to the anti-American terrorist group. “We had no idea people felt this way about our work,” said Sayed Rahdmatullah Hashemi, former Taliban-turned-al-Qaeda envoy to the United States. “We have been striving always to put our best foot forward, but the loss of such a talented leading man in bin Laden was admittedly a large blow.” “The militant fundamentalist and sketch comedy group has not produced any noteworthy videos since the bin Laden campaign,” said Stuart E. Jones, US ambassador to Jordan and local Emmy guest judge. “It was time to recognize what they had accomplished and move on.” He cites the group’s low budget filming and editing practices as a reason for their decline in popularity. However, he says he “[respects] their innovative use of the press to popularize their earlier work.”

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When asked what al-Qaeda will do moving forward, Hashemi was reluctant to answer. He mentioned that NBC-Universal had made an offer to purchase al-Qaeda for an undisclosed sum, and that higher ups in al-Qaeda were “seriously considering” their offer. “We share common goals both as international terrorist syndicates and as artists,” said Hashemi. “I mean have you even seen this season of Parks and Rec? Incredible!” Though executives at NBC have not made official statements, Zamboni reporters have communicated with NBC-Universal Vice President, Carol Sinbad Van Winkle. “Though we cannot confirm, we are excited at the prospect of welcoming al-Qaeda into the NBC-Universal family,” said Van Winkle. This is al-Qaeda’s fourth win at the Somerville Local Emmy’s, having previously won for Bin Laden: Caverns of Tomorrow, Midnight After Jihad, and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Should the merger go through, Al-Qaeda will join the network responsible for such human rights abuses as The Voice and Heroes.

NEWS

Fletcher student burns down apartment, citing “tacky” paint job by Connor des Rochers

MEDFORD, MA—Where there once stood a beautifully dilapidated colonial house at 75 Ossipee Road, now only a charred shell remains. On September 29, first year Fletcher student Petunia Ogilvie set fire to her own apartment, citing irreconcilable differences with the wall color in her living room and bedroom. One week prior to the incendiary incident, Ms. Ogilvie and her landlord, Igor Strauss, had discussed repainting during the apartment’s renovation. While she requested a nice eggshell color to go with her tan drapes and black bureau, she was horrified to find the space had been given a fresh coat of peach paint. When asked about the traumatic incident, Ogilvie recounted, “So I walked in expecting a matte dreamland and all of the sudden it’s like BAM! Somebody threw up tapioca pudding all over my walls or some shit. And it’s like, too close to beige for me to have complained, but like this really fucked with my overall color scheme. I felt like I was living in a Golden Girls-themed hellscape!” After a few nights with the “unbearable” walls, Petunia decided to take matters and matches into her own hands and give the apartment a scorched earth color scheme instead. On the night of the 29th, she gave all of her roommates, except for Linda Fink, plenty of time to evacuate the premises and then proceeded to reduce the house to a hollow, burnt out shell.

New Night Club Erected by Emily Garber

BOSTON, MA—Better get ready to step up your game, Boston, as a new night club will be entering your ranks early this winter. The ever-famous Phallus Palace, of Dallas, TX, has been confirmed to be opening up a satellite branch downtown. “It will be an interesting adjustment,” comments Phallus Palace’s Alice Fingerton, “But I definitely think that there is a place in Boston for our famous southern charm.” However, the opening hasn’t been eagerly anticipated by other area club owners. “Southern charm?” said a huffy Daniel McShortstack, of the infamous Spleendor, “Word is that at Phallus Palace, malice is the policy. If you ask me, Phallus Palace’ll be ballast for this club scene: dead weight.”

“Linda is a troll who doesn’t do her dishes. She won’t be missed,” stated all three of the surviving roommates in separate interviews. The Somerville chief of police seemed to agree, and has decided to press charges against Ms. Ogilvie for her act of arson only. While neighbors are complaining about the smoking wreck, calling it an “eyesore” and a “hazard to children,” some local members of the community are viewing this event as an opportunity. Local meth lord Barry Davidson has expressed interest in converting the space into a local drug den for his homeless gang of addicts. “Our community has been looking for a space to call our own for quite some time, and we are excited about the opportunity to become a part of the Tufts family. The space has such a raw quality to it, and I really see a future for our drug culture to flourish in such a creative environment.” When asked if burning down her apartment was worth the trouble, Ogilvie stated, “At least the prison walls are a soothing grey. That will definitely match my drapes!” Zamboni reporters were unable to reach landlord Igor Strauss for comment on the tacky and retro-in-a-bad-way color snafu, as he is currently on a three week “family vacation” in Crimea.

Ballast or not, this new club appears to be bringing in a lot of great events before Christmas. According to Fingerton, “We’ll have deals and theme nights for the ages, like our incredibly popular (and collectable!) Phallus Palace chalices! You drink it, you keep it! Or our night for the older folks, Phallus Palace Dialysis night, where we even hand out specially ordered Phallus Palace Cialis.” Fingerton also continued to hint at other events that are still under wraps, such as Phallus Palace Talisman nights, for the gentlemen. “Plus, soon Boston will be no stranger to what we in Dallas refer to as a Phallus Palace callus,” Fingerton finished with a giggle. This winter, you can decide for yourself if Phallus Palace will inspire a new genre of nightclub or if its chubby will slowly fade like notorious failures such as Darned Socks and Minutia. Coming soon!

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

NEWS

TUPD Plans to Triple the Number of Safety Alert Emails by Brian Rose

MEDFORD — Tufts University students have grown accustomed to receiving emails each semester detailing various break-ins and other crimes occurring in the surrounding area – only some of which actually involve the university or its students. Still, the student population, voted the most safety-conscious in the nation according to a recent Zamboni poll, was thrilled by the announcement this week that the Tufts University Police Department plans to triple the number of safety alerts it emails to students this spring. However, in order to reach the new expectation students have been clamoring for, TUPD has now lowered the standard by which safety alert emails will be sent out.

TUPD car on the prowl for some misdemeanors.

In the past, students have only been notified when there are notable incidents, such as home invasions, muggings, or cars spontaneously combusting before football games. Now, according to TUPD Sergeant Neil Hagerty, students will begin receiving breaking news emails alerts about a wider range of threatening events and activities such as “Lawn grass reaching dangerously high levels at 268 Boston Avenue,” “Biology professor sneezes, twice,” and “Loner reading book outside Brown & Brew could be planning evil deed.”

Anticipating that the campus soon to become gripped by a state of fear due to the increased notifications of crime, TUPD has also announced plans to expand the GoSafe ride service into regular school hours.

“Students made it clear to us they were unsatisfied with the previous number of email alerts, and we at TUPD pride ourselves on being a student-friendly organization,” said Hagerty. “We now welcome news tips from students, faculty members, fictional characters from Target-bought romance novels, parties of six or greater, Tumblr pages dedicated to Sherlock slash fiction, and beings of higher power.”

In addition to email alerts, Tufts plans to equip all incoming members of the class of 2019 wih a walkie-talkie direct line to TUPD upon matriculation . Make sure to also add Tufts Police on Facebook to be notified of all possibly terrifying things as soon as they happen so you can stay safe!

So far, reception to the program has been largely positive. “I feel so much safer now,” declared sophomore Julia Nagle. “I’m definitely calling GoSafe at noon tomorrow to take me from Haskell to Tilton.”

Well-Meaning IR Major Informs Muslim Student That She Is Wearing Open-Toed Shoes by Ethan Hartzell MEDFORD – Having just left his Tuesday Principles of Economics Recitation, Tufts sophomore Josh Lent approached freshman and Connecticut-native Aisha Abdulrabb, who was diagonally crossing Talbot Avenue to return to her residence hall. Abdulrabb allegedly did not notice that the sophomore male was approaching her until he was just inches from her face. “Hey! Um, I just wanted to let you know, just in case you didn’t realize, but your toes and a good portion of the top of your feet are totally visible to me. I identify as male and use the He pronoun series... I don’t know if you have that in Arabic… I hope it doesn’t offend you too much that I, a male, saw you like this, and I wanted to let you know so you could fix it. Have a terrific day!” are Lent’s reported words.

“Active Global Citizenship”

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Lent later reflected on Abdulrabb’s lack of gratitude, “it’s thankless work informing people of their ignorance, but someone’s got to do it.”

NEWS

NASA to Send 38-Year-Old Virgin to Space by Ryan Hastings-Echo

In a surprising break from tradition, representatives from NASA announced Tuesday that they will be sending Hugh Spellman, a balding, unemployed virgin, to the international space station with the next launch. While the move is controversial in the field, experts suspect that Spellman may be the key to finding extraterrestrial life. “We have recently come to realize that our methodology in seeking contact with aliens is faulty,” said the representative. “All of our current astronauts are at the peak of intellectual and physical fitness—really the kinds of people we, at NASA, have never been able to approach at parties. Quite frankly, we believe that the aliens may be intimidated.” When asked how he felt about being the ambassador for the human race, Spellman was hesitantly optimistic. “I almost backed out when I learned that the aliens may not look like anatomically correct green women,” he said, “but my mom really talked me into it. I feel like I owed her something nice since I couldn’t finish law school.”

BREAKING: Tufts Dining Hacks Student iCloud Accounts by Jake Halpin

MEDFORD—Tufts Administration officials have announced that they are launching a full-scale investigation into Carmichael Dining Hall proceedings after reports that members of the dining hall staff may have hacked into student iCloud accounts. Boston-Area news outlets began airing the story this morning, after Medford police revealed that 3 chefs had been brought into custody at around 2 am this morning. Reports say that the alleged chef-hackers stole hundreds of embarrassing high school photos and Photo Booth selfies, intending to use them to blackmail students into writing positive reviews of the dining hall cuisine. The dining hall, which in recent years has been losing much ground to downhill rival Dewick MacPhie, made headlines at the end of the summer for their high-¬profile hiring of WikiLeaks co¬founder Julian Assange, who announced he would come out of hiding to run the prestigious uphill restaurant. In a highly controversial 60 Minutes interview, Carmichael President Peter Kourafalos admitted that a major consideration in Mr. Assange’s hiring was the money the dining hall would save due to Assange’s “Work-Study” status. In an impromptu question and answer on the front steps of Gifford House, Tufts president Anthony Monaco said, “It is my hope that Tufts students will take this as a learning experience, and that after the fear of having those “chubby-phase” selfies being spread across social media, students will grow up and realize there’s a lot more to be concerned about than god¬damn air-conditioning.”

To prepare for his six-month stay in the international space station, which orbits the earth once every 90 minutes, Spellman has been placed on a strict training regimen. “My mom is trying to make me healthier meals, and I ordered a shake weight,” Spellman said. “It should be here in four to six business days. I’ve already lost two pounds.” Dave Sanders of NASA described the rigorous selection process used by his team to determine which one of over 500 applicants would be selected for the mission. Prospective astronauts were first subjected to an intense psychological test to determine who would be the most suited as ambassador of all of Earth by NASA’s extremely high standards. “The man or woman selected had to prefer the original ‘Star Trek’ to ‘The Next Generation,’ but also had to believe that Picard was superior to Kirk,” said Sanders. “Spellman was a standout from the beginning because of his ability to burp, verbatim, the entire first episode of ‘Battlestar Galactica.’” Applicants were then given a test to discover which of them could bear the isolation and detachment many astronauts feel in space. “We lost most of our most promising candidates when we told them they would be missing the premier of the new ‘Spiderman’ movie. At that point, Spellman was the obvious choice.” Despite the optimism of many at NASA, there are some who urge caution when dealing with extraterrestrial life. Manny Breer is an astrophysicist with NASA and an amateur philatelist. “In ‘The Amazing Spider Man’ issue 48, the aliens who came to Earth were hostile and saw human beings as food,” he told reporters. In response to concerns shared by Breer and many other employees, NASA released a statement outlining that, in ‘X-men’ issue 57 and ‘Batman’ Issue 174, aliens were proven to be friendly and helpful. They also urge naysayers to recognize the fact that Superman, Man of Steel, is from the planet Krypton. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Breer, “Batman is obviously superior to Superman.” When asked to explain NASA’s official stance on Batman vs. Superman, NASA representatives could not be reached for comment.

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

FEATURES How I Discovered the DNA Double Helix While Tripping on Shrooms by Anthony P. “Tony” Monaco

In the years that I have been a member of the Tufts community, I have been truly astonished and impressed by a student body that is passionately involved in academics. Whether it’s mixing new alternatives to fossil fuels, flinging up zip lines and flash mobs, or crunching numbers in the computer lab, Tufts students are passionately engaged in their academic world. But sometimes, being an active Tufts citizen can get in the way of acknowledging my personal accomplishments. So, I thought I’d share my proudest moment of my career as a geneticist: discovering the double helix. Before my Fateful Shrooms Trip, nobody knew what DNA looked like. Generations of scientists had tried for years to crack the code, and many of them went mad in the process. It was the 70s, times were changing, and a lot of new ideas were floating around the scientific community back then. Some people thought that DNA covered the cell like a Milk-Dud covers stale caramel or an M&M covers chocolate. Otherwise, it was hypothesized that DNA was actually microscopic creatures, and that perhaps there were other small creatures elsewhere in the body. People were questioning their beliefs and experimenting--in the laboratory. So one day, a few friends of mine and I bought about an ounce of Peruvian Godseeds and drove up to Big Sur in our van, Icarus. Just like you Jumbos on an average weekend, we were already a little bit cryodomed and

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were looking to fully disassociate; we headed up into our mountain cabin, munched down the blitzcandies, and started to drop out. At first, I felt of the way many Tufts students feel during their first days on campus…I was sweating profusely, my pupils were dilated, and I was having trouble distinguishing reality from hallucination. After watching the purple sunset bathe the mountains while contemplating Yes’s seminal 1972 album Close to the Edge, I began to grapple with the problem that had defeated Leibniz, Fermi, and even Einstein before him: the structure of the DNA molecule. I felt my body disintegrate, and I began to expand my conscious awareness beyond my own corporeal boundaries and into the surrounding wilderness. Suddenly, I realized that human life is a constant struggle between the primal animal that seeks to conserve itself, and the higher conscious mind that desires the nullification of physical constraints. The double helix followed very naturally from this battle, and appeared in the sky above the Santa Lucia mountains. I published my work and revolutionized the field of genetics, like many of you Jumbos will after graduation, Stay active, stay involved with global issues. But don’t forget to seek out meaningful experiences in your own life, and to always pursue those things that interest you. Like Shrooms. You never know, you might make a career out of it. I sure did.

FEATURES Celebrity Followings: Just Another Day in the Office by Justin Lanzberg

Upon his return to the Oval Office from the kitchen galley and a heartwarming breakfast, President Barack Hussein Obama realized that something was amiss. Second in command Joseph Robinette Biden lay face down on the floor, sedated and de-clothed, with donkey painted on his head, which seemed to have been forcibly shaved, and with an inscription of the Declaration of Independence emblazoned on his back. The tattoos hadn’t yet dried, and Mr. Joseph R. Biden’s white shoulder blades had taken on an inflamed, sunset hue. President Obama’s first impulse was to turn Mr. Biden over on his back to see if an invisible treasure map lay on his stomach like Nicholas Cage did with the actual Declaration of Independence in “National Treasure”… But he thought against it because he knew that the cameras would capture him…. And messing with a crime scene of this stature could have the potential to surpass his good friend William Clinton’s 90’s blunder in infamy. Unsure of how to proceed, Mr. Obama then decided to take his bi-daily jog so he could clear his head and ponder how to handle the misfortune of his compatriot. On the run, he realized that Governor Willard Mitt Romney is a raging ass, hates civil asses all the same, and despises Mr. Biden’s smug grin, which was on full display during the campaign debates with Paul Ryan. But beyond that, he couldn’t draw any viable ties. When Mr. Obama finished up his half-mile loop of Pennsylvania Ave, he saw Mr. Clinton strutting through the memorial gardens, looking happy

as ever. He spotted his daughter playing Carmelo Anthony in Ping-Pong off the east wing. Through the kitchen window he watched President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin steal a cookie from his top shelf oatmeal raisin stash, which he thought he had hidden perfectly. And he also spotted House Speaker John Andrew Boehner crawling on the ground outside the Oval Office window, straining to see inside. But none of it seemed unusual. Mr. Obama headed back towards his quarters and grabbed his favorite shower towel with a gold inscription of Mr. Biden’s beaming face and a speech bubble saying, “Love is unparalleled.” He passed his bed and noticed the bed sheets had been ruffled up, but again thought nothing of it. Something about the shower was off, however, which he immediately realized upon entering. It was the showerhead, cocked a few degrees to the side. It was as if he had fallen asleep for ten years and had missed all of what had happened, and then was debriefed on the period, in extreme detail, in under a minute. He had gone on a sugar rage with Mr. Biden, Mr. Clinton, Mr. Putin and Mr. Boehner. They had bought 75 pounds of straight sugar cubes, liquefied them with water and drank them in a chugging contest. The sugar high hit them about five minutes later, and when it did, at 2am, when all else was quiet on the white house lawn, all hell broke loose. Mr. Biden immediately gravitated to his guilty pleasure in turning on “National Treasure 2: Book of Se-

crets” with Mr. Vladimirovich Putin. Sadly, Biden’s sugar high tolerance wasn’t as great as that of the others and he fell asleep halfway through. Mr. Putin nonetheless pressed on like a true pro and watched the entire movie. Towards the end, out of his newfound love for American Nationalism, Republicanism and Nicholas Cage movies, Mr. Putin hired a tattoo artist, ordered him to shave Mr. Biden’s head, paint a donkey on it and emblazon the Declaration of Independence across his back. Mr. Putin, with the greatest sugar tolerance of the entire group, continued on throughout the night into the morning in search of further sweets… Boehner’s sugar high transported him back in time to his childhood years. He used to think of himself as a 007-esque spy kid, just appreciably diminished both in height and his capacity to be surreptitious. So, when Mr. Obama found John crawling outside the Oval Office window, his only conspiratorial thought was to infiltrate the door. Mr. Clinton had disappeared into the Kennedy gardens soon after his high set in. After hours of futile searching among the topiary trees for his buddy, Mr. Obama found Mr. Clinton sniffing teapots in the China room at 5am. So, the showerhead, which Mr. Obama had reached for as he lost his footing while playing “name the papal pervert” with Mr. Clinton at 5:30am, had in fact been the key. Mr. Obama’s daughter and Carmelo Anthony playing table tennis was nothing out of the ordinary.

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

FEATURES

Zamboni’s Guide to ABC Parties by Megan MacCallum

Perhaps you’ve heard of the current Greek Life Trend—the ABC Party. This party, more commonly known as an Anything But Clothes Party, does not actually feature individuals arriving nude (though they may often end the night that way), but rather encourages the party-goers to make an outfit for the evening out of anything other than clothing. If you have heard of these parties, you’re probably familiar with the typical approach most sorority girls take: trash-bag skirts, pillowcase tunics, and shower-curtain bodycon dresses. However, if you are looking to dress a little outside the box (literally you could wear a box) for your upcoming ABC party, The Zamboni has a list of costumes for you that are sure to slay.

Tortilla Tits and Naughty Bits:

Show up to the party wearing nothing but tortillas on your “private parts.” Because tortillas absorb water easily, once you get into the sweaty bump and grind of the fiesta, the tortilla should adhere itself to your skin fairly well. The downside of this costume, is when the late-night munchies kick in, your outfit could disappear. Or is this an upside…

Natural Fibers:

Stolen Mink Stole:

This is a costume for risk-takers. Chances are, you don’t actually own a mink stole of your own. If you do, you are not only a douche, but you are also irrelevant because a mink stole is technically an item of clothing and you couldn’t wear it to an ABC party anyway. However, you can locate the nearest mink farm near you, sneak there in the dead of night, and attempt to wrangle as many minkii as possible. If you rubber-band them together, you can create a beautiful live mink stole to wear to the party. This will not only get you noticed, but will also ward off any unwanted attention, all while making a statement about the cruel fur industry itself. (Note: Minkii are expensive. If you do not have access to a mink or two, ferrets can make a nice substitute.)

If you are a lady with particularly long hair, or a gentleman with a particularly long beard, or even better, an individual with particularly long hair and a particularly long beard (read: Dumbledore), you may want to consider showing up to the party wearing just your own hair. If you condition well and often, the silken feeling of your own natural hair will make your skin tingle and the accessible breeze can make your other parts tingle as well.

$uper Rich Kids:

Declined:

ABC costume:

If you don’t fall under the category of a “$uper Rich Kid,” and are actually in lots of debt, tape all of your current cards over your body to create the clothing item of your choice. Spread them all as thin as possible to get yourself covered.

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue!

Tape Daddy’s old credit cards into one plastic dress or a pair of highly uncomfortable shorts.

As you know ABC can also stand for “Already Been Chewed.” We encourage you to chew as much gum as you can, or pick it off the sidewalks, and desks nearest you, and form a gooey, but adhesive ABC costume for your ABC party

Alumni: Where Are They Now? A Look at Tufts’ Most Accomplished ExPats

The Virgin Mary

Josef Stalin

The Virgin Mary, class of 5 BC, is remarkably still just as committed to celibacy as Tufts University is.

Tufts University alumnus Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin (Class of 1914) has been called many names since becoming a Jumbo. Some of these names include “beanie baby visionary,” “immortal,” and of course “Brosef Ballin’.” Though he has dedicated the past few years of his post-college career to social justice work, in his early professional life Stalin pursued his love of music, culminating with his role as the producer of the awardless, introspective collection titled “Now That’s What I Call Music: Volume 4.” Throughout his career, Stalin has been a staunch supporter of classist structures, and his writings on such matters can be found in Tufts’ only magazine written entirely in binary, “|01001010|011011 11|01110011|01100101|01110000|01101000|00100000| 01010011|01110100|01100001|01101100|01101001|011 01110|00001101.” He holds three world records, two of which are undocumented, and is a generous donor to the Tufts Students Rescue Minorities From A Safe Distance organization. This intrepid Jumbo has appeared on multiple local access talk shows, informing communities about crisis matters such as the appropriation of sloths, kitten farming, and cheese. Tufts is honored to share the accomplishments of Joseph Stalin.

“That steel trap remains shut,” confirms her son Jesus Christ, class of AD 16. “In fact, she’s even begun promoting celibacy among others.” Although it remains unclear why the pro-chastity activist’s son would be abreast of his mother’s sexual exploits, the information he provides is consistent with accounts from other sources. “She breaks into the Health Center to steal their condoms,” says Mr. Christ. Indeed, Health Center workers have been faced with a string of break-ins, during which nothing but condoms were taken. Mr. Christ also reveals that his mother has begun to use her mysterious powers to infect sexually active students with chlamydia. “It’s awesome,” he says. “Some dude will just be walking by, and mom will look at him, and WHAM! He’s got chlamydia.” Presumably, the Virgin Mary hopes that the discomfort associated with the disease will dissuade students from engaging in sexual activity, though it remains to be seen whether this strategy has been effective. “There is no guarantee that students will curtail all sexual activity upon receiving chlamydia from the Virgin Mary. It is my concern that her actions will simply cause the spread of chlamydia throughout the Tufts Campus,” says Health Center director Michelle Bowdler.

--Information smuggled out of Siberia by Zamboni undercover reporter Pinar Yasar

At Bowdler’s urging, posters have appeared around campus warning students of the signs of divine chlamydia and urging them to seek treatment. This canvasing of the campus is a visible testament to the fact that the Virgin Mary continues to influence the Tufts community millennia after her graduation. She thus joins the rank of many other notable alumni who have left lasting impressions on our campus. --Zamboni reporter Aviva Schmitz contributed while on assignment in Nazareth Stalin, a beater for the Tufflepuffs, poses for his 1914 Memory Book portrait

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

FEATURES The Zamboni’s Exclusive, No-Nonsense, How-to Guide to Counting to 10 by Ben Pall

Step 1 Step 2

DRUNK ADVICE BY DRUNK GIRL$ FOR DRUNK GIRL$ by Big Momma Where’s the bathroom?

Step 3

It’s to the right and then to the left then to the right then straight then still straight then up the stairs then down the hallway then right then it’s the second door on your left.

Step 4

Is he cute? I mean he’s kinda cute but like he’s SO killing the Swampland theme so like you totally should.

Step 5

How do I use a condom? Ok so like you take the wrapper off and then you like grab the slimy part of it and you put it or roll it or something onto the boner and then SCREW IT you’re on birth control, you’ll be fine.

Step 6

Should I take one more shot? I mean you drank a lot but that’s a Peppermint Patty shot so DO. THAT. SHIT. This one time I took one of those and like they totally missed my mouth pouring the syrup and I had chocolate sauce EVERYWHERE ugh it was so gross and it ruined my makeup.

Step 7

How many tater tots can I eat at 3 am?

Step 8

No seriously like my makeup looked SO good but then that fucking chocolate sauce ruined it. What do I do about a guy who won’t stop talking to me?

Step 9

Just make out with another guy. It’s totally the best way to show him you’re not interested Can I steal this exit sign without people noticing?

Step 10 12

That fireball is making you fucking invisible just go for it.

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue!

FEATURES A Day in the Life of the Acorn Head Statue by Rachel Rapaport

6am: Dawn breaks and the brilliant colors of the sunrise fade to a soft light that is cast upon my visage. The air is cool and the dewy grass around me provides a cushion for my head and my thoughts. I reflect upon the beauty of Mother Earth and the stillness of a calm morning and—wtf turn off that fukin lawnmower what the fuck is wrong with u r u kiddin me its 6 in the fuckin morning im goin 2 kill u stop wakin everybody up u stupid lil bitch its to early 4 this shit

10:30am: Happiness swirls around me as cheery crowds head off to start their day of learning. I hope their brains can expand with new knowledge and ideas. Oh, how I watch the eager bounce in their step. Poetry fills my mind. Perhaps, a haiku! Longing for the walks Of my forest childhood With mother acorn Nestled in the leaves Snow falling like Earth’s good grace Sun low in the winter sky Reminiscing slow Yearning the clutch of my youth Someone just scratch my balls

4:30pm: As the afternoon sun rests low in the sky, boots crunch over fallen leaves and autumn beckons with its warm glow and sweet scent. Above me a baby bird is born; I hear its cry. Oh how beautiful life is! Oh how fragile! Oh how—who the fuck are you don’t fuckn stand next to me??? Ur blockin my view what r you doing here?? Ugh sersiouly R u fukin kidding me dont put that shitty ass chalk drawing here gtfo no i wont fuckin vote u for senate who do you think u r no ones gonna vote ur punk ass for snate gtfo go fuk urself shit my nose itches ugh my nose…

11pm: The night is calm and quiet save for the soft, crisp voices of birds settling down and the slight whisper of the wind through the leaves. This most peaceful time allows me ponder on my SYMPTOMS OF GONORRHEA, INCLUDING DISCOLORED DISCHARGE FROM THE PENIS, PAIN OR BURNING DURING URINATION, AND SWOLLEN TESTICLES OR THROAT GLANDS. IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS CONTACT YOUR LOCAL HEALTHCARE PROVIDER IMMEDIATELY TO GET TESTED.

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

SPACES www.pizzabitesagainsttobaccouse.gov

Personal Ads for Personal Problems

Generated by Megan MacCallum

Looking For: I absolutely abhor dogs. I was late to

Looking for: Seriously, though, does

work today because I stepped in dog poop and it makes me angry because I chose not to have a dog for a

anyone know how to get a gun license? Not for my Uncle Joe, obviously, I just have…. A really large pest would like to get rid of dogs. –Joan, 57 problem…. Like there’s a really large pest that keeps fucking barging into Looking for: I wish I could lick my elbow. My cousin my home, eating my Doritos, , and then can. –Rich, 13

Looking for: I stayed up until 4 a.m. last night because I got scared that there was someone in the house. I was so scared I couldn’t even get out of bed to check so I just had to lie there like waiting to be slaughtered. I need to get a gun license.–Hart, 32

Looking for: Does anyone know how to get a gun license? I don’t understand why people are so against guns. If someone is in your house, you should be able to blow his fucking brains out. –Hart, 32

all over my brand new futon. –Hart, 32

Looking for: A bag of cool ranch or nacho cheese Doritos to share with my loving nephew. He’s such a good boy and I worry about him being cooped up all the time by himself with no girlfriend or dog to keep him company. –Joe 59

Looking for: Unless you like invited him into your house. –Hart, 32

Looking for: Or I guess if you didn’t invite him, but you still know him. With the exception of my Uncle Joe. That guy is a fucking prick. –Hart, 32

Top 5 Places to Shit at Tufts by Lucas Zerah

5) Houston Hall First Floor

Don’t be fooled by this Freshman dorm, Houston is home to some of the best toilets on campus. However, through extensive research, I have found that there is a certain atmosphere to the men’s restroom on the first floor that beats the rest. The puddles of shower water and asparagus-scented piss compliment the shit-covered toilet paper that hangs off of the toilet seat. Need something to drink while you’re doing your business? Every Houston bathroom is stocked with two day-old St. Ides Malt Liquor, nonbreakable bottle of course.

4) Haskell Hall Third Floor

Yes, we literally mean you can shit while walking the halls of Haskell!!! Ever since the RAs won their appeal to TCU for in-hall defecation last year, pooping in the halls has caught on like wildfire! The Third Floor has taken this trend a step further by making a ritual out of communal crapping. Every third Thursday of the month, all of the students gather for the exorcism of a chosen chicken. As the chicken is compelled by the power of our lord, the third floor Jumbos evacuate their bowels all over the floor! It is a sight to behold.

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue!

3) At a GIM for any Club

It doesn’t matter which club, as long as you need to do number two! Here at Tufts, bold and quirky personalities are adored. However, some might get the nerves and not shine as bright as they could. Break the ice by plopping one down at the meeting. People will rejoice in awe and respect, for your bold and quirky attitude!

2) Carmichael Carvery Station

No one will ever know the difference…

1) Inside your Mind

Let’s face it: every time you squat down to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, you waste precious time that can be used for self-reflection. The best shit that can be taken at Tufts is the one that looks inside the shitter, not the shit. I recommend smoking 75x salvia before pooping at any of the before-mentioned places for a truly introspective and surreal evacuation of both the colon and reality as we know it.

Op Ed: We Need to Help the Davis Homeless (Sponsored by the Pizza Bites Against Tobacco Use Lobby) Dear Tufts Community, There are times when I am proud to wear baby blue and brown. Instances like quidditch matches, weekend celebrations with only 2014’s best Top 40 hits like Robyn Rihanna Fenty’s “Pon de Replay,” eating gluten free steak and eggs, and reading Sylvia Plath before baking brownies. I have been a member of VOX, Habitat for Humanity, Liberty In North Korea, Palestinians for Ukraine, Freedom in Macau, Jumbos Against Gouda, Stand for Jennifer Lawrence, No on Proposition 45, Tufts Society of Zune Owners, Student Collective for Jorts Justice,, and, most importantly, Tobacco Free Initiative since I became a student at our fine institution. As I write this, however, I shed tears all over my iPad Mini with shame and embarrassment for our school. While I was in Davis Square buying Totino’s Pizza Bites and drinking chocolate, I observed the homeless that populate the area. These members of our society are ignored constantly for no good reason. They

are human beings; the homeless are living, breathing people who can get 20% off the new Totino’s Bold Buffalo Style Chicken Rolls. Or, if they would like to take a trip down south, they should try the Jalapeno

Want a cigarette? Just pop a yummy pillow of pizza in your mouth instead!

Popper Rolls, exclusively from Totino’s. But they were not enjoying the ooey, gooey goodness of a pizza roll. Instead, I found our homeless smoking cigarette after cigarette. We live in 2014; it’s been almost 50 years since the Surgeon General’s warning about the dangers of tobacco use. And yet,

Runners: What are They Looking For?

OPINION our neighbors in Davis are smoking more than ever, pushing themselves closer to the brink of death. I come to you, Tufts students, to rise up against the genocide that is being supported through the silence of the administration! We must do what all good and altruistic organizations do and raise money to make Davis Square a smoke-free area! We must work tirelessly to make the homeless of Somerville put down their packs so they can rejoice in sobriety of tobacco and breathe a little better! With your help, we can set up pizza parties around campus starring Totino’s Canadian Bacon Party Pizza and possibly, if everyone gets on board, we can have a Totino’s Presents: Tufts Against Homeless Tobacco Use concert with pop singers like Pharrell Williams of Despicable Me 2 and Jason Derulo. With your help, we can make the difference!!! From, Anonymous (‘16)

by Asha Norman-Hunt

Well, more like, follow them.That’s cool, right?”

Have you ever stopped to watch a runner? I’m not talking about watching its strangely sinewy chicken legs swish back and forth under its way-too-short shorts, or the aggressive breaths it takes as if to say “Who’s sweating? NOT ME!” I’m not even talking about that annoying little jogging-in-place thing it does at every curb (we get it. It’s waiting for the light and burning calories at the same time. I’ll just watch while I eat this Dunkin’ Donuts), I am asking if you’ve ever noticed the way that a runner constantly seems to be looking for something. Have you ever wondered what it’s looking for?

Another strange trait of the untamed runner is its ability to appear exactly where it has no place being. Ever been out for a nice morning drive? The sun is shining, the birds are singing and you swivel to avoid a sweaty, oncoming human, barreling at you and gasping for air? Of course you have. Because runners think they are cars with slow as fuck wheels so they can’t tell the difference between sidewalk and asphalt. So the next time you’re out, observe the runner in its natural state. The Zamboni encourages you to watch its homing beacon head swivel and its inability to not get hit by a car and thank God for your morbid obesity.

While the swivel of its head could just be a very awkward way to look at the scenery, it is much more likely that the lonely 6am Sunday runner is looking for someone to share in the brisk cool air with (because lets face it—who the fuck wants to run on Sunday morning?) Sophie Lattes, Tufts track and field member and 10 mile runner (OW!) says that moving her head like a confused owl helps her meet new people in the morning when her other friends are asleep in their beds (YES). “It’s nice to see other runners around me. I mean I don’t know them or anything but I can creepily just run with them, right?

A pack of runners searching for the nearest IHOP

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

1. 2. 3. 4.

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue! 5.

Jumbo’s eyes are blue in the first picture, green in the second. That one leaf right there. It’s totally different in the second picture. Look! No, seriously, LOOK! The shadows are different and it’s more bent on the side. I’m confident about this one. If you use the magnifying glass provided on page 12, you will see that the original picture’s empty window contains in the second image a depiction of the signers of the Fundamental Orders of Connecticut. Looking at the first picture, one sees that Jumbo’s left arm is extended in an easterly direction, a pose representative of childhood, youth, happiness, and energy. One can feel the performer’s genuine appreciation for his craft and the buoyancy with which he portrays the role of Jumbo the Elephant. This sentiment is juxtaposed with the mascot’s northern-facing thumb in the second image--a somber, more sophisticated gesture reminiscent of the materialism and hypernationalism of early 20th century Britain. The two dissimilar images, when paired together, are meant to serve as a commentary on the paradoxical omnipotence surrounding the modern day sociology of nihilism. Look at the young girl’s face. Really, really look at it -- look past the stony facade attempting to cover the years of pain of neglect that are slowly eating away at her very core. Look deep, deep, deep into the depths of her four-year-old soul. Can you see it? She’s just not the same. And she never fucking will be.

by Kerry Crowley

See below for answers

CAN YOU SPOT THE 5 DIFFERENCES??

Fall Pumpkin Spice Leaves Bonfire Crunching Raking Forest Pumpkin patch Apples Corn maze Chilly Cinnamon Cider Flannel Denim Fleece

S H H H M I E E M C L I U O M

T E I E E N O J U K L S S H E

O W S R L E N U S G Y T T S D

P O I E E T E M T O O O D H O

L R M I F E W B S N U O O I N

O D M S T E I O T O R L N T O

O S E N A N L S O W D A T T T

K A D O T T L T P A E T F H F

I N I T T O S A T N S E O E O

N D A M W D T T H D T F R Y R

G R T U E A E U E F I O G F G

F E E C L Y A E M U N R E O E

O A L H V S L Y Q L Y M T U T

R D Y T E O T O U F I E T N T

T T T I N M H U I I T J O D O

FIND THE AUTUMN WORDS!

Overheard at Medford High School

GAMES ‘n GOSS

by Adrianne Kerchevalia, Junior, Gossip Queen

Martin Lombardi still hasn’t responded to Rachel Black’s snapchat Somebody shit in the freaking urinal again

Jessica Oaks ostracized after parents limit data usage OMG! Frank said what?? Gym teacher Mr. Pauler is totally a creep, says Michelle Sayles

Group of freshmen locking arms and blocking the stairwell are labeled as fire hazard

Connect the Dots! Greg Smith loses applesauce again in second failed foot fight attempt

Janine Paulson forced to change clothes after being covered in applesauce

Janine Paulson sent to principal’s office for slapping Greg Smith Greg Smith suspended for calling Janine Paulson a “gaptoothed bitch” Margaret Chang overheard telling 7th period Spanish class that Janine, “Actually is kind of a bitch…”

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

ONCE THERE WAS A BMW

And she loved a frat bro And every day the bro would come And he would start her engine And do laps around the quad and play chicken with the crossing students. He would sit in her leather And shift her gear stick And do doughnuts. And they would street race Audis And when he was drunk, he would sleep in her backseat. And the bro loved the BMW… Very much. And the BMW was happy. But time went by. And the bro grew frattier. And the BMW was often alone. Then one day the bro came to the BMW And the BMW said, “Come, Bro, come and sit in my leather, and shift my gear stick and do doughnuts and lap the quad and be happy.” “I am too baked to sit and drive,” said the bro. “I want to break things and get schmacked. I want some Molly. Can you spot me some Molly?”

“I’m sorry,” said the BMW, “but I have no Molly. I have only six cylinders and a GPS. Take my GPS, Bro, and trade it to the drug dealer. Then you will have Molly and you will be happy.” And so the bro climbed into the BMW and took the GPS and traded it away. And the BMW was so happy.

But the bro stayed away for a long time… and the BMW was sad. And then one day the bro came back and the BMW revved with joy and she said, “Come, Bro, and sit in my leather and shift my gear stick and be happy.”

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue!

illustrations by Craig Drennan, Graham Starr, and Shel Silverstein

“I am too horny to drive,” said the bro. “This chick wants to bang but I have a roommate” he said. “I want some head and I want some tail, and so I need a single” Can you spot me a single?” “I have no single,” said the BMW. “The parking lot is my dorm, but you may remove my rims and hang them on your wall to make your side look cooler. Then you will be happy.” And so the bro removed her hubcaps and carried them away to decorate his wall. And the BMW was happy. But the bro stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the BMW was so happy she could hardly start. “Come, Bro,” she whispered, “come and drive.” “I am too busy paddling freshmen to drive,” said the bro. “I want a couch for my brothers to get shitfaced on in the 123 yard. Can you spot me a couch?” “Take out the backseat and make a couch,” said the BMW. “Then you can sit outside… and be happy.” And so the bro took out her backseat and made a couch and got wasted on the lawn outside 123. And the BMW was happy… but not really.

After a long time the bro came back again. “I am sorry, Bro,” said the BMW, “but I have nothing left to spot you--My GPS is gone.” “My reaction time is too bad to get anywhere,” said the bro. “My rims are gone,” said the BMW. “You cannot flash them to the sorority girls on the quad---” “I have a gf now and its fb official. I’m too attached to flirt with APhi babes”. “My backseat is gone,” said the BMW. “You cannot fall asleep---” “I am too hyped on Adderall to sleep,” said the bro. “I am sorry,” sighed the BMW. “I wish that I could give you something… but I have nothing left. I am just an old beater. I am sorry…” “I don’t need very much now,” said the bro, “just a place I can hotbox and relax. I’ve been raging so hard today.” “Well,” said the BMW, tightening her windows as much as she could, “well, an old beater is good for hotboxing and relaxing. Come, Bro, recline my seat. Light your fire and unwind.” And the bro did. And the BMW was happy.

Vol. XXVI, No. 1 - The Outdated Issue

The Poetry Reach-Around Highkus by Lucas Zerah Hot Cheetos and Sprite Chappelle Show is on Netflix Wait, hold on, wait, what? Got a new bubbler And an eighth of mad dank kush Tisch roof at seven?

How to Get Away with Murder I know this is a TV show They stole my idea Mine is better though For how slick and warm the blood was As I rubbed it all over myself And my rubber duckie Nobody will know It will be our little secret

Long Hair, Do Not Care by Carolyn Margulies

When I do see your ever flowing hair Glittering in the sun like purest gold, I can do naught else so I stop-- and stare. O, what I would give for a lock to hold! If Columbus had seen your golden strands As he searched the islands down in the sea, Much more fame would his discovr’ys demand; Your hair’s more worth than his Santa Marie. Stars are jealous of its radiant light; For when Javert swears to find Jean Valjean He no longer swears by the stars of the night, But by your hair, as radiant as dawn. But the rest of you God must not have blessed; All other looks are but average at best.

The Zamboni 25th Anniversary Issue!

Shhhhh. Shhhhhhh. No, hush little baby Don’t talk back to me like that. I will get upset. Just like how upset I was when I saw that they stole my idea But I will get away with the murders of those people Someday.

Special thanks to our past Editors-in-Chief Look how far we’ve come! Josh Wolk Amy Murphy Adam Kraemer Bill Copeland Ayn Rand Courage the Cowardly Dog Adam Lenter Gabe Guarente Joshua Saipe James Lubin Fyodor Dostoyevsky Eli Kazin Franklin the Turtle Andrew Kambour Ayn Rand Brett Weiner Facebook Julie Nogee Macbook Pro 13” Stephanie Vallejo Francis Dahl

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...and to the countless other editors whose names we do not know, we salute you! ;)

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Publication

Sorry bro, she's not interested Page 6 Shocking revelations about tufts that you won't believe Page 7 Econ student somehow finds libertarianism feasible Page 2

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: Horeses not a good substitute for friends... page 8 Undergrad has seizure in Ginn, asked to leave... PAGE 5 Get a 100% true look inside our mailbag... PAGE 13

Looking forward to another 4.7 years of mediocrity! The Zamboni (1989 - 2019) RIP