"Bigfoot" "Found" Page 3 Exclusive Snapchat Interview! Blink and you'll miss it! Page 11
Published Since 1987
FEBRUARY 25, 2013
A Tufts Student Publication Star Wars: A New Pope! Page 6 The Best Concert You Didn't Go To Page 1 The Real (And Hugely Disappointing) Higgs Boson Secret Page 2
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: NRA: Guns For Everyone! page 8 Movie Sequels PAGE 10 Pope Adam Sandler PAGE 13
A Word from the Editor 2012
Vol.XXIV No.
Editor-in-Chief Andrew "Marlboro" Reisman Managing Editor Andy "American Spirits" Lang Editors-at-Large Connor "Newport" des Rochers Emily "Laura Barnes" Barns Will "Gauloises" Owen Editors Abroad Laura "Lucky Strike" Rathsmill
Happy 2013, y'all! It feels so great to be in this new semester full of hope and promise. I hope you're excited, because here at The Zamboni we've got a lot planned, and a lot of it is probably going to fall well short of your expectations. That's right motherfucker, welcome to THE LET-DOWN ISSUE! We're dedicating sixteen beautiful pages full of promise to the heinous crime of disappointment. Are you ready? Who cares, we're doing it anyway. Settle in for the long run, because we've got disappointments for days. A Class of 2017 with no students, a TDC with no casualties, and a concert that you, yes YOU, were not invited to are all in store. So come with us on a marvelous journey from here to the back page, stopping along the way to pick your wedgie and maybe read an article or two. We're also prepared to address the biggest let-down of the year so far: Pope Benedict's decision to step down as Papal Pope of the Papacy of the Catholic Church of the United States Of Christendom. We've got a full center-spread detailing our best picks for new Pope, and several articles besides examining just what, exactly, a Pope even is. Seriously, does anybody know? I think it's some kind of land-varmint, whose primary predator is the North American Cardinal Sean O'Malley. Regardless, we'll figure it out, as we always do, as we go along. Anyway, here's to a brilliant new year full of promise, potential, and inevitable exhausting defeat! Here's to The Zamboni! Ain't that a kick in the teeth?
Staff Sarah "Dunhill" Olstein Melissa "Kool" Feito Graham "Camel" Starr Sam "Parliament" Friedensohn
Editors Emeritus: Brett "Bubblicious" Weiner Stephanie "Trident" Vallejo Francis "Doublemint" Dahl Michael "Big Red" Yarsky Devin "The Corrector" Toohey Mike "Wrigley" Schecht Matt "Five" Luz Luke "Orbit" Burns Ryan "Hubba Bubba" Oliveira Matt "Eclipse" McGowen
The Dark Lord Stan wants you... Come to the Zamboni! Wednesdays at 10 pm Campus Center Room 209 (most of the time) Or email us at TuftsZamboni@gmail.com Submissions welcome!
Disclaimer and Editorial Policy: The Zamboni is a student-run humor and satire publication of Tufts University. In no way do the views expressed herein necessarily reflect those of Tufts University, or even the editors. So, don't go e-mailing the people listed in the staff box, especially since we make some of the names up. All material is meant to be viewed as humorous and should not be taken seriously, but keep in mind, we still love a good Viewpoints face-off. We accept any and all submissions from Tufts students, but any references to Harvard University must be spelled "Hah-vahd" (the Lang Clause). Submissions to The Zamboni are screened by the Editor-in-Chief and/or the Editorial Staff. Decisions are made on the completely subjective grounds of their humor content, but if you're a legacy, we have to take you (the Reisman Clause).
February 25, 2013
The Zamboni
News May contain low-fat news substitute
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Louis C.K., Lena Dunham, Morgan Freeman, Others Take The Stage For Well-Publicized, Heavily Attended Free School Event You Were Unaware Of By Andrew Reisman Tufts class of 2017 comprises of no students MEDFORD/SOMERVILLE – The to your desires, “it’s not like I could Tufts community was thrilled to host several internationally famous, delightfully quirky, award-winning performers, writers, and idols at a massive rally at Alumni Field, the details of which you personally had no idea of until at least an hour after the event concluded. “I thought I was just going to see Louis, but I had no idea that Neil Patrick Harris, Bill Nye, and Maya Angelou would be there too,” said Alex Krofnitz, a freshman, a goddamn freshman, who still knew more about what was going on to secure a spot at this festival of intellectuals and luminaries. “I was even more surprised when, after the first Lenny Kravitz song, Justin Timberlake and the whole Lonely Island crew came out and showered the whole crowd in single malt scotch!” Also reported to be at this incredible, once-in-four-years event, the likes of which Tufts will not see again until you are heavily bogged down in the working world, were corporate representatives for several big financial groups, non-profit organizations and high-profile Washington think tanks, as well as prominent biotech companies, chemical manufacturers/defense contractors, and television and media broadcast companies. “It was absolutely amazing. I got so many business cards from potential employers!” reported that student you have harbored an unvoiced crush for for what seems like decades now, “and what’s more,” they heartbreakingly (to you) continued, “my significant other with whom I have been on shaky ground with canceled at the last minute, and left me with an extra ticket! I had to throw it in the trash.” “Oh well,” he or she said, oblivious
have found someone else to go with on such short notice. Everybody I knew already had tickets!” Gesturing to the empty seat next to her, zhe continued, “I just wanted to share this moment with someone, anyone at all. What a glorious, oncein-a-lifetime concert!” As of press time, another separate event featuring Oprah, Bill Cosby, Nelson Mandela, Bill Clinton, Robert DeNiro, and Dame Maggie Smith had just let out from Aidekmann, the building you probably literally pass every day.
By Melissa Feito It's May 1st. After a rigorous admissions process and selective race to the finish line, Tufts has finally heard back from it's class of 2017. And the result are... zero students. “We seem to have received no acceptances...” explains admissions officer Macy Kemper “We actually have no idea what is going on... this is fucking bizarre.” Indeed, all accepted students have turned Tufts down for other options. “Actually they didn't even turn us down, 96% of them just didn't reply. They completely stood us up.” She then started to cry and reached for a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. “I've never felt so alone...” she sniffled. Current Tufts students themselves have replied with much disappointment. “Wait, 2017 facebook group?” shouted sophomore Terrance Kopp “Then who am I supposed to up-sell on my old textbooks?” Many share the same sentiments. The Zamboni reached out to some of the high school students who did in fact turn Tufts down. “It's on like a hill, whats with that? Sorry, but I have a thing for flat ground.” Complained Jessie Sparks from New Jersey Central High. Gary Mompat added “And you have to like... select a program. That's completely constricting. I'm going on a self discovery journey with a native american shaman from Washington to Mexico... that's REAL liberal arts!” Other students, like Carly Lotry, are choosing even more alternative options. “I'm just gonna get pregnant, who cares.” Distraught, Tufts has decided to take somewhat desperate measures in lieu of completely missing a class. “We are now taking volunteers! And launching a whole new School, TuftsGO!” Kemper continued with puffy eyes. “Look for our ads in OK! Magazine. We're now offering classes for paralegals and nursing assistants. We're versatile! Online classes! Call to receive your free brochure!” She continued to spew. “Completely on your own time...” Rumors are spreading that this still won't be for Tufts. Threatened to lose their accreditation, Tufts may start running night raids on neighboring schools. “UMass Boston has enough kids. They're hogging 'em!” a masked administrator complains “I mean, they might not be Tufts material... but it's not like we really care at this point.”
The poster for the event, which you definitely saw a hundred times outside Tisch
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February 25, 2013
News
Apparently people still care about this Facebook Photo Shared Enough Times to End Child Abuse By Graham Starr
New York, NY – As the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Child Predators) left their meeting on the upper west side today, you could tell that something was amiss. The atmosphere surrounding the meeting seemed quieter than usual – not the general lively discussion that usually occurred, and the members appeared visibly shaken. Some, like Chairman Robert DeJulio, were almost on the verge of tears. “We don’t really have a choice, you know? The pressure’s too great and we made an agreement,” DeJulio said, regretful but understanding. “I never thought this day would arise – none of us did – but it’s something we need to do.”
NAACP Public Relations director Sharon Harvey Donner admitted. “In fact, we posted the photo originally in hopes to repair our own image, showing our detractors and critics how much we’re needed in society. That sometimes, after a long day, a child is the only surface that works. And we thought they’d understand. We never thought it would happen like this.” After a three-and-a-half hour long meeting, the group of former, current, and future child abusers decided that the public pressure was too much, and that they made an agreement when they signed Facebook’s Terms and Conditions. “We’re done,” Donner said, with the rest of the members looking equally dejected. “Child abuse is over. I guess we had a good run…” Charmander was unavailable for comment at the time.
The meeting centered around a simple Facebook photo of the Pokémon Charmander, looking somewhat distraught and depressive, with the caption “Share this 1,000,000 times to end child abuse.” “None of us thought this would actually succeed,”
The picture that saved a billion babies
that the freshman girl in the row below us seemed to really like us, especially when we offered to buy her a handle of Rubinoff, was that in eight out of ten games, when the announcer called for Te’o to take the field, the spectators would cheer and nobody would come out onto the field. The other two times, the person in Te’o’s uniform was clearly not himself. In one instance, it was very clearly a baboon wearing a football helmet. In the other, more convincing appearance, the player initially appeared to be Mr. Te’o. Upon further inspection, however, the man beneath the helmet bore a much stronger resemblance to noted avatar of the trickster god Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. As of press time, The Zamboni is following the lead of current journalism movements and doing no actual speculation on reportage. Take it away, blogo-sphere!
A ZAMBONI EXCLUSIVE: Manti Te'o Hoax Deepens By Andrew Reisman
After repeated calls for interviews with Manti Te’o, the purported football star who lost his girlfriend and grandmother (not the same person, we hope –Z) to cancer and a car accident and was then revealed to have never had a girlfriend in the first place, the director of athletics at Notre Dame, D’Squarius Green Sr., has refused to divulge his whereabouts leading many critics to suspect that Te’o himself may have been a hoax. “I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any student athletes of that name in attendance at the University of Notre Dame at this time,” said Green, his brow glistening with flop sweat. Suspicions first arose when The Zamboni’s intrepid reporting staff first discovered Te’o’s name in an unfilmed 1973 script for a film titled “The Fakest Footballer.” Intrigued, the editorial staff filed Freedom of Information Act requests with the NFL, the CIA, the FBI, M.A.D.D., Sephora, and the Screen Actors Guild. None of our requests were honored, because they mostly consisted of sternly worded post-it notes stuck to windshields, but we here at The Zamboni knew we were on to something big. Feeling a hunch, we began sending reporters to Notre Dame football games every week to see if we
Ok so it's kind of hard to tell but that's actually Tuiasosopo TUIASOSOPOOOOOOOOOO!
could crack this case. What we found may shock and offend some of our wimpier readers, so we must stress caution. What we found, besides the fact
February 25, 2013
The Zamboni
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For when you've already discussed the weather
One would think that cryptozoologists (defined by McRapper as “those who study unknown and undiscovered animals, you ignorant rabble”) the world over would collectively climax at such an announcement. Yet so far, their reacmittee’s choice. Some fear Paula’s erratic behavior tion has been mixed at best. Carl Marks (not to will jeopardize our nation’s core family values. be confused with Karl Marx), part-time carpenter and president of a Vancouver-based cryptozool“The next inauguration will probably be even gayer ogy “guild” known as the Bigfoot Heads (not to than that last one,” Esteemed radio host and world- be confused with the Big Foot-Heads), now feels renowned walking piece of shit Rush Limbaugh somewhat disgruntled: “We’ve been loudly and snorted, alluding to 2012’s inclusion of marriage publically yammering about Bigfoot’s existence equality rhetoric and a poetry reading by Richard for years and no one paid any attention. I must’ve Blanco (a gay guy). “Why don’t they up the ante seen School of Rock a hundred times. But now and just have RuPaul sing? At least his song “You he’s gone mainstream. Those fancy-pants zooloBetter Work” promotes job creation.” gists are just are acting like they discovered him. They’re going to give him some pretentious sciWhether or not a 6’4” drag queen is decided on as entific name in the Latin and say he’s the missing our next inauguration performer over Paula Abdul, link between man and ape. Hell, they’ll probably one thing is certain: Americans will not put up with start using the word ‘Bigfeet’ as a plural form. further lip-synching from the likes of stars like That’s no good!” Queen Bey. The desire for authenticity and truth Elsewhere, Chinese cryptozoologist Ho has proven too strong in our culture for more deDaitzu expressed some additional concerns: “The ception, which is the only reason why Milly Vanilli imperialist Western zoology will say that the Tihas not been invited to perform in 2016. betan Yeti and the Chinese Yeren are just subspecies of Sasquatch. The proud Peoples Republic of China will show those pigs. I’ll just say that the Loch Ness Monster is really a subspecies of the glorious Chinese Dragon. Suck on that!” After smoking a Marlboro cigarette, he added. “Plus, the Gulliver’s Travels Movie was a piss-poor By Andy Lang adaptation of a literary classic.” GLENDALE, CA—In one of the most shocking When asked for a common, the newlyscientific events (and one of the most exorbitantly discovered Sasquatch announced that the new verbose and unnecessarily baroque sentences) in Tenacious D album will be released next year. recent memory, an international panel of zooloThen he made a devil horn sign with his hands gists, zoographers, zoometrists, and zookeepers and yelled about “the metal.” announced that there now exists definitive proof of the existence of Sasquatch—colloquially known as Bigfoot, the skunk ape, and Jack Black—a legendary hairy ape-like creature whose existence has been scoffed at by virtually all of the scientific community. “Yeah guys, turns out Sasquatch is totally real,” conceded Lord Reginald McRapper, chairperson of the Global Zoological Association (GZA). “Who knew? Not I.” This discovery is the culmination of a two-year-long expedition undertaken back in 2010. The first conclusive evidence was obtained when the expedition members walked into a clearing in the forest and discovered the DreamWorks Animation Studio, which was then in the process of making Kung Fu Panda 2. “We noticed an extremely foul smell emanating from the studio,” explained McRapper. “That’s classic a sign that Sasquatch is near, for all you uncultured plebs out there. So we went A rare sighting of the noble, mysterious, Kids Choice right in and there he was.” Award-winning beast
Paula Abdul To Sing At Next Inauguration After Beyonce Lip-Sync Debacle By Will Owen
Americans were dreadfully disappointed after an attention-seeking no-name turned in Beyonce for lip-syncing the National Anthem at President Obama’s second inauguration. The iconic pop diva and her alter ego who acts exactly the same as her, Sasha Fierce, have both separately denied the allegations and continue to be taken very seriously. “You must not know bout me, you must not know bout me,” Beyonce responded to the media assault via twitter. Rumors have circulated that she was under the impression she herself was being inaugurated as president, and wanted to preserve her voice for the really profound speech titled “Who Run The World? I do.” she would subsequently give. Republicans were thrilled to search for conspiracy theories after the big scandal. The most compelling theory to date is the suggestion that Michelle Obama is actually the elusive Sasha Fierce and Beyonce was miming cryptic plans to her for a violent anarcho-feminist takeover. Some even claim that Latavia Robinson – the long lost fourth member of Destiny’s Child – avoided the outer perimeter of Beyonce’s spotlight so she could surreptitiously orchestrate the plan all these years. To avoid a future scandal and any potential national security threats, famed choreographer, singer-songwriter, and unhinged former American Idol judge, Paula Abdul, will sing at the next inauguration. “I want it to be just like my ‘80s “Get Up and Dance” video,” Paula slurs in what appears to be excitement. Despite a few hit-and-runs and a wellknown substance abuse problem, Paula insists she’s ready to take on the challenge. “We looked into other artists who are known for never, ever lip-syncing, like Madonna, Britney Spears, and Jennifer Lopez,” the ceremony’s chief coordinator, Simone Cowelle, said. “After careful consideration, we decided Paula is more iconic and relevant than the Queen of Pop, Princess of Pop, and that third one with the ass,” another ceremony coordinator chimed in. “Lana Del Rey was also considered, but it was leaked that she wanted to preface the National Anthem by creepily whispering “My pussy tastes like Uncle Sam.”” However, not all are thrilled with the planning com-
Sasquatch Discovered, Believers Still Disappointed
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Op-Ed News
February 25, 2013
So you can care about what we think you should care about Zamboni Writer Publishes Inflammatory Op-Ed to Increase Readership, No One Cares
By Will Owen The Tufts Daily is now locally famous in Medford/ Somerville for shaking things up with its op-eds. Jill Cohen, a managing editor of The Zamboni, was inspired by the Daily’s last ignorant op-ed to make her own politically incorrect splash in the journalism world at Tufts. Jill, whose other extracurricular activities include attending a yoga class once a month in the Hill Hall aerobics room and looking at the Boston skyline from the Tisch Library rooftop every now and then, thought writing a misinformed op-ed about the Students for Justice in Palestine vs. Hillel saga would garner Zamboni readership.
Her op-ed, released last January, included divisive and offensive language. At one point she declares that the whole Palestinian-Israeli Conflict is a problem of “not learning to share your skip-it with the mouth-breather kid on the playground; you just have to fucking learn to compromise with
The controversial op-ed, titled "So sick of this shit," only brought about a 0.5 readership incresase in last month's Zamboni. people who are different than you.” Jill did not take a clear stance on the issue “to play both sides off one another,” she told The Zamboni in an interview. Jill expressed support for leaders of both sides of the conflict, while at the same time passive-aggressively criticizing their political platforms. “Netanyahu’s such a silver fox… He can settle on my West Bank any day of the week,”
Zamboni Releases Heinously Funny Third Issue: Not a Single Op-Ed By Connor Des Rochers MEDFORD--On December 5, 2012, under the cover of night, the Zamboni staff distributed around campus the most offensive issue ever created since the magazines publication began. Titled, “The Op-Ed Issue” the articles ranged in topic from an ode to Hitler’s military genius to a sentimental retelling of the golden age of apartheid. In addition to the content, the cover featured a giant swastika with Hillary Clinton’s face imposed over it for a fun, extra “kick” of pizzazz. However, the writers were astonished to not find a single op-ed or bias incident result from the issue. “If a single person had even looked at the cover, there would have definitely been an article in the Daily. We even sent a personal copy to them in case this happened. I’m sure it just got lost in the mail.” This was said by a lowly staffer,
Still more readers than the Habitats Guide to OnCampus Living. Emilio Barnstable who, after reading about The Zamboni in various admissions magazines, figured it possessed a large following on campus. After the lack of negative (or any) re-
she says. Later on she laments “Yasser Arafat was sultry, but his whole countering forced occupation thing really made it hard to integrate BDSM into our nightly routine.” The controversial op-ed, titled “So sick of this shit,” only brought about a 0.5 readership increase in last month’s Zamboni. In one final desperate attempt for attention, Jill egged a car with a “Coexist” sticker in the Carmichael parking lot. “What’s a bourgeois bohemian have to do these days to piss people off? Fucking Lena Dunham’s stealing all my thunder,” Jill angrily tweeted after she didn’t even get fined for the egging. Editor-in-chief of The Zamboni, Andrea Ricemann, said the non-reaction received by Jill’s article did not warrant her resignation, despite suggestions from her rabbi who sometimes reads The Zamboni when there isn’t an UsWeekly by the john. Jill has warned of a “bigger, even more bad-ass” op-ed for the next Zamboni issue about a “reverse-ism you little Daily bitches haven’t even thought of yet.”
sponse expected from such an inflammatory publication, the staff canvassed the campus to see how many magazines had been taken. The results showed that of the five-hundred issues placed around campus, fifteen had fallen to the floor of Carmichael because of the mad dash for the new Hemispheres magazine. Additionally, ten copies were missing from the Dewick lobby, but it was then witnessed that the staff were using them for makeshift Kleenex. Other than that, all 475 copies were accounted for, rating popularity and campus presence of The Zamboni just behind the undergraduate medical journal and the new publication on campus focusing on translating Greek epic poems into braille. “We are definitely not satisfied with the circulation, but it could be worse, right honey?” said one of the assistant editors’ mother. The actual staff was too busy feeling insignificant and typing more offensive articles because they realized no one would read them. So in the semester ahead prepare for fun articles ranging in topic from kitten sex trafficking to... Wait. This article is being published in The Zamboni? Well then why would I keep going? Fuck that shit.
February 25, 2013
The Zamboni
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By the time you read this, I'll be gone. UPDATE: Tufts Holds "Get Some Damn Kids in Here" Symposium By Melissa Feito
Last Saturday Tufts held the first annual “Get Some Damn Kids In Here” Symposium in Cohen auditorium, hoping to collect ideas for attracting, forcing, or artificially boosting a rise in the student population. This symposium was open to the finest minds in Social Science, Education, Engineering, and Psychology, as well as anyone else who wanted free pizza. The Zamboni was there to hear some of the proposed plans, and over all the following ideas where those best received by the board. All a Anonym cape ous Ad lla g com ministr to kidn roup b i ator ’s p n e ap stud s wil g to fo lee c revious ents w l Bear tr r m l ub, m plan as rece aps wil o n e as h asqu l now b ived we UMass i g is e e ll. h sc ing set rade Boston d d i e h n u A ferool s p aroun and Lo ts, a l minima a i w t n d uell. Exp regio c g of t d the l leg da n a e nals mage i n en in erin den F . s antic rts say t $ e T 6 r h id 00,0 tu tial ipated. s s n 00, e e prize is e en co fre t save o noug ing s to p ts. h to the s choo se an tuden o p o o r l l ! p s uates d a r n i g r s e t d n un ude Biology m to grow st DNA e h a t r g m o a pr ry fro o t a least r t o a b a e t L u Start a new senior event, JumboHunt. Seniors will Dana ontrib c o conh r w e i d n n be assigned to color teams and sent to capture of alum he currently u b. Hight a L any humans aged 16 to 25 in the area with large $300 to ad Science lab e h t M e n v structio er gets to ha her. nets. Winners will receive an ice cream party. d r d o i b est ter him f a d e nam chile th , k n u r T e r g Treasu Tufts Travelin has agreed , s u p m a c n o r group Pinoclm fi dren's theate y e n is D ic e class ir vene th to take after th m o fr y a w children a it ir p s d n a io mbos. u ch J e r tu fu s a ed ues to be rais
Get the Cann on in working order again, and se t up a massiv e T-shirt cannon over the city of So merville.
Whatever steps are taken, there is one conclusion the board has arrived at. “If all else fails” explains board member Karen Tuppy “we flood the campus, retreat to Ballou, and start again at square one.”
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February 25, 2013
And now, The Zamboni is proud to present, after a long and exhaustive search, your final candidates for the event that history books are already calling:
POPE CRISIS 2013 THE FINALISTS Pope Furby This lovable scamp is all the holiness the modern Catholic Church requires! Just don't hold him upside down, or he'll banish you to purgatory for an eternity. Some assembly required.
The Pope Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince His remarkably free views on sexuality will certainly provide the nextgeneration boost that the Church needs. Also, he's guaranteed to have never touched a little boy that way, which is more than most Cardinals can say nowadays!
Pope Tom Hanks America's number one man. He's escaped wrongful conviction in prison, invented the smiley face t-shirt, and rode the Polar Express as a horrifying CGI facimile. If those aren't miracles in God's name, I don't know what that word means!
Pope Mary Pope Osborne She's the world's first lady pope, her name has the word "Pope" in it, and she could write a book of The Magic Treehouse where Jack and Annie travel back to Golgotha and free Jesus from the Cross! Papal infallibility means that it happened! Right?
The Zamboni
February 25, 2013
THE RUNNERS UP Pope Eggs Benedict VI GLORY UNTO OUR DELICIOUS, CREAMY KING OF CHRISTENDOM, FOR HE IS RISEN.
Pope Magnitude It's short for Magnetic Attitude. Pope Pope!
Pope Barack Obama He already has the book out! Plus, who cares about the separation of Church and State anyway?
Pope Alexander Pope In London lies a knight a Pope interred His labour's fruit a Holy wrath incurred You seek the orb that ought be on his tomb It speaks of Rosy flesh and seeded womb (Would make a great sous-Pope for Pope Tom Hanks)
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Paid Advertisement (we gettin pay-purr)
February 25, 2013
February 25, 2013
The Zamboni
Paid Advertisement II: Son of Paid Advertisement
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February 25, 2013
These days, it seems that no film is safe from sequelitis. that most dastardly creation of the shadowy Hollywood elite. Call it what you will; follow-up, spin-off, reimagining, spiritual successor, whatever the hell they call every single James Bond film apart from the first one. I have difficulty distinguishing between similar-yet-different concepts, so as far as Iím concerned, theyíre all sequels. With that in mind, here are some upcoming...
2EQUEL2 2 MOVIE2 By Andy Lang
Argo sure was a good movie. Everybody loves Argo! With that in mind, director-star Ben Affleck has announced his intention to work on a spin-off, tentatively titled Argo We There Yet? As the disguised American hostages attempt to make their high-stakes escape from Tehran, this parallel sequel follows the story of the family waiting behind the hostages in line at the airport. Your heart will be in your mouth as you wait alongside the lead character (probably played by Ice Cube) to be called up to the desk, right after those vaguely foreign-sounding folks. You’ll be floored with suspense as you wonder what’s taking those assholes so long to just get their fucking plane tickets. Will Ice Cube be able to make it to his connecting flight in Paris in time? Argo see the movie for yourself!
It seems that there’s room in Hollywood for more than one pun-titled sequel to a nominee for Best Picture. In response to the overwhelming critical and commercial success of the first film, Steven Spielberg and company (specifically, Nintendo) are hard at work on a sequel. Set some years prior to the first A Lincoln to the Past will concern the heroic exploits of Young Lincoln, who, in 1858, is propelled seven years into the future, Pictured: The pivotal battle scene, AND THAT FUCKING OWL. to an alternate version of 1865 where the land of HyRule of Law is a slavery-infested hellhole. Now, armed only with the No Man’s Master Sword, Young Lincoln seeks to return to his own time by gathering the thirteen pieces of the Tridecaforce from the original thirteen states. All the while, he is hunted by the evil sorcerer-
War will end, unemployment will plummet, and President Obama and John Boehner will have a nice long hug-athon when Disney announces that Joss Whedon will be directing That New Star Wars Film What’s Coming Out, with Nathan Fillion attached to star as Han Solo. Unfortunately, expectations will be so high that when the Episode VII naturally fails to be the best thing since the portable blowjob machine, World Wars III, IV, and V will break out simultaneously. Ironically, as their skin melts away and their loved ones turn to ashes around them, critics will find the new World War Trilogy infinitely more satisfying than the Prequels. Pictured: Nerd rage incarnate
February 25, 2013
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And now, The Zamboni sits down with the founders of
SnapChat
In a Starbucks in Greenwich Village, two gentlemen sipped their iced coffees morosely. The two founders of Snapchat, Jurgen McGravenville and Sergio Bragalabragalagalla were whimpering slightly, as if dogs recently kicked by their very silly college-aged owners. “We don’t know where we went wrong,” Bragalabragalagalla said. “I mean the app should literally be used by every single high school student to send pictures of their genitalia.” Snapchat, an application for Android and iPhone, operates on the procedure of sending someone a photo that then deletes itself after a certain amount of time on the other person’s phone If the receiver takes a screenshot, the sender is notified. “I mean, it’s literally the best thing for sexting. That’s why we created it,” Bragalabragalagalla continued. But recent market research has shown that instead of the expected dingle-dongs, cooters, jugs, schnitzels, hoo-has, weinermobiles, jumblesjuices, hawk koches and flabberwabbies, Snapchat has instead saturated the nuanced demographic of “weird college students sending each other silly faces.” In fact, since SnapChat's creation late last year, over a hundred million instances of kids making weird faces at each other across the country have been reported. To date, idiot-face has been the cause of death in twenty cases, as college kids spend more time making dumb faces and typing things like "I miss u!!" "Wasted Wednesday!!!" and "Exclamation pointz are awesome!!!!!" into their various handheld devices. These distractions have caused nineteen car accidents and caused one user, the late James Anthony Kimberly, to plunge headfirst into an open manhole in Duluth, MN, where he was ripped apart by conveniently migrating alligators. Prosecutors are looking into whether or not he was pushed, but upon checking the snapchat he sent in his final moments, they were unable to check it for further details, because, in the words of 53 year old Duluth Attorney General Howard Bloopdoop, "Damn thing done did deleted itself. Witchcraft, I tells ya.: The Zamboni reporter offered to show his own genitals to the founders, and if that would make things better. The founders voiced some sense of optimism, but then quieted as soon as they realized that it wouldn’t make a difference. “We still only see pictures of silly faces or food as it is.” Bragalabragalagalla said. “One or two penises isn’t really going to change anything. We hunger, insatiably, for photos of naughty bits," he added, somewhat discomfortingly. McGravenville, who had been quiet this entire time, except for a few slurps of his coffee, said, “Maybe the fact that we look through all of the photos and then post videos of ourselves laughing at specific people is dissuading people.” High school students, when asked to comment, were skeptical as to the device’s potential. “I meen lyk, why wud I send my boyffle a pic of my boobz that wont be arund 5ever?” tweeted Catherine Hawthorne Bigglington IV, a sophomore at Medford High. “Itz nawt lyk anybody else is evr guna see thm.” College students around the country were too busy giggling into their phones to be reached for a comment. Graham Starr contributed reporting. So did your mom. Hey-oooo.
The average SnapChat (notice: no boobs)
Page 12
The Zamboni
Religious News
February 25, 2013
We Make Eye Contact With Weirdos So You Don't Have To Weak Economy Means Hard Times for Local Covens By Graham Starr
SALEM—It seems that the continuing economic downturn may be about to finally accomplish what sixteenth-century European clergymen and the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office have trying to do for years; end the widespread practice of diabolical witchcraft that has afflicted Western society since time immemorial. Today in Salem, Massachusetts, the Global League of Witches (GLoW) announced it is filing for Chapter 666 bankruptcy, a process reserved specifically for corporations and organizations that have found themselves unable to continue facilitating the flow of souls to Satan, Lord of Darkness and majority stock-holder in everything that is wrong with the world (especially Pepsi Cola). “It’s true that we deal mainly in souls,” said Mel F. Asint, the 357th and current Grand Wizard of GLoW. “But do you know how much financial capital needs to be spent to procure these souls? People won’t just give up their immortal afterlives for free. When you make a deal with the Devil, it’s a whole negotiation process, and those saps expect something from us in return for denouncing God and embracing the Demon King. It’s always ‘kill my asshole neighbor’s livestock’ this and ‘get them to make more Star Wars movies that.’ We have to make potions, we have to conjure dark spirits, we have to sacrifice a whole KFC’s worth of black hens. In short, sin don’t come cheap and we just can’t afford it anymore.” While religious fundamentalists everywhere are already jumping for joy, it is not yet entirely clear what will become of this sinister diabolical global coven. Indeed, bankruptcy lawyers the world over have begun converging on Salem in what has become the largest gathering of legal professionals since the Eight Circle of Hell, LLC. Charles L. Derpman, Esq., a private practice attorney out of Atlanta, suggested that GLoW transform itself into a non-profit organization. “Instead of doing evil stuff to win over men’s souls, why don’t they just do it for shits and giggles?” When asked whether taking souls out of the equation would defeat the purpose of the eternal war between Heaven and Hell and render God victorious, Derpman replied exclaimed “Oh shit, I think they’re onto me,” before disappearing in a flash of heavenly white light. Attorneys have made other proposals as well. Sarah X. Butterman, Esq. of Lubbock, Texas, has suggested a government bailout of GLoW, adding that “that devil-worshipping Antichrist in Chief in the White House has brought everything else under his dominion, so why doesn’t he just become Prince of Hell already? Ron Paul 2016!” And Salem native Samuel Paris has suggested that GLoW be allowed to collapse, proclaiming that “it is the will of God that the forces of darkness be eventually defeated by the forces of righteousness in the holy battleground of bankruptcy court!” As of press time, Satan, aka Lucifer Q. Godsucks III, Lord of Evil, the Adversary of God and man, executive producer of Movie 43, could not be reached for comment. Insider sources are saying that the Great Tempter may opt to merge his corporation with Haliburton.
Benedict XVI To Go Back To School To Earn Back Respect Of Son By Graham Starr Following a wake of controversy from the Pope’s self-abdication of the Pope, Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI announced that his reason for stepping down stemmed from a desire to join his son, Jason, in going back to school. Benedict XVI (real name: Pope Benedict XVI) is truly a rags-to-riches story, of the uneducated barnyard German boy to become Pope. “I always wanted to learn intimately about poetry,” said the aging Pope, clad in Hawaiian shirt and sombrero, “and, of course, women.” He then issued a pious “ayyyoooooo!” and high-fived two cardinals. Unfortunately, because of a little-known papal bull dating back to the 1300s, Cardinal Ratzinger must graduate from every grade in the American school system in order to go to college and hang out with his kid. "I just want my boy to like me, you know? Its bad enough that I was too busy running The Catholic Church to attend his foot-soccer games. but now that his attractive mother [Teen Choice Award winning actress Jennifer Love Hewitt] is divorcing me for some loud-mouthed stock executive, I really need to win him over to my side. However, despite years of recognition within the Catholic Church, I am still a man-child who is not ready for the real world. At the time, the pontiff was not decided on a school, but had been cited as voicing opinions for somewhere “with a lot of sexy babes,” before punching the Zamboni reporter in the face and calling him a nerd.
February 25, 2013
The Zamboni
Page 13
Ladies and fellas, another year has gone by. Due to contractual obligations on the part of Time, Inc. and The Zamboni GmbH, we present to you our full page retrospective on 2012. So here it is, our look back:
And a brave, bold look forward to 2013:
Happy New Year, everybody!