STELLAR DAY ISSUE 12 | AUGUST 2016
The
August Issue
BROKEN HOME
Coming from a broken home and God ' s sovereign hand in the heart of an eleven year old
BREAKING THE STIGMA OF MENTAL HEALTH One therapist ’ s attempt to rid the world of mental health stigma through self - disclosure
BEAUTY FROM THE ASHES A contributors thoughts about turning something broken into something beautiful
stellar day table of con tents 03 Broken Home 07 Be Near 10 Let Go And Let God
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11 Turning The Broken Into Something Beautiful 13 From The Heart 17 Growing Alone 21 SDM Bookclub Pick 22 Breaking the Stigma of Mental Health
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25 Mommy Malfunction 29 Editors Note
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Broken Home GOD'S SOVEREIGN HAND IN THE HEART OF AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD
By Jessica Williams
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I believe the first time I truly experienced brokenness, was when I was just eleven years old. Without unseen reason for fear, anxiety, or unrest, I feel like the Holy Spirit began prompting and preparing my heart for the years to come. Years that would ultimately shape the rest of my life.
pour over their Bible’s individually and throughout my childhood. We always only listened to Christian music and our home was the place that my friends never wanted to leave.
When I was eleven, I began praying before I went to sleep each night asking the Lord to keep my parents together. They never really fought in front of me and my sisters much and we grew up in a Christian home where both of our parents loved the Lord a lot. We went to church every week and were very involved. I watched both of my parents
But my little eleven year old heart began to cry out to the Lord and ask him to keep my parents together. I pleaded that they never get divorced and I even prayed for wisdom in this area so that my heart could understand the unrest. It didn’t make sense but all I knew was that I needed to pray. So in the depths of my little heart, soul, and in the
Because it was peaceful. And they all told me that.
quiet hours of my own pink colored walls, I prayed out to the Lord that he would keep my parents and my family together. I prayed for a solid year. When I was twelve, my parents told us that they were getting a divorce. We were sad, but I was not surprised. We were mad, but I was not shocked. We were hurt, but I was not confused. I knew as a twelve year old that the Lord didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted, but the wisdom I had prayed for was being granted to me, so that I could understand the beginning of what feeling broken means without feeling so angry that I turn away from God. My dad moved out. My mom moved us into an apartment complex. I went from having my own bedroom with a wall length closet to sharing a room with my sister and 900 square feet of total living space. We stayed with my mom and never needed to change schools. My dad moved around but we saw him often and whenever we could. I went through a couple of years of feeling angry at my parents for choosing this route, for breaking up our family and for changing our worlds forever. I had times of feeling broken in spirit thinking back on the prayers I had prayed as a little girl and wondering why God’s heart wasn’t soft
enough to answer them. Broken. Although we still had a great life, everything seemed broken. Families aren’t supposed to be broken up. Twelve year olds aren’t supposed to have broken spirits. Teenagers aren’t supposed to babysit their sisters all summer long so that mom could work. We weren’t supposed to feel like a part of us was missing. As time went on, I began to feel less and less sad that my parents were divorced. Now as an adult, it makes total sense why they decided to separate and I carry zero anguish over it, most of the time. Our family life isn’t perfect. Reconciliation has happened where it needed to and the Lord has brought us all back together AND added people along the way. While it isn’t perfect, my story of brokenness didn’t stay broken. The Lord created beauty from the ashes and has taught me too much to share here now along the way. What I do know is this. The Lord doesn’t use brokenness in our lives to keep us there. He uses it so that we will fully depend on Him. Without brokenness, I have no reason to recognize that I need Him to carry me through. When we realize that the Lord knows what is best for us, even if it’s ultimately not what WE want, then we can rest in
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the path that he’s set before us. I don’t know why my parents got divorced and why the Lord allowed it. I do know that even though it’s not what I would have chosen, that He was sovereign enough to prepare my little heart for the years ahead. He could see my brokenness before I was even there but I felt his hand the entire way. I’ve experienced brokenness in many other forms since then in my life. I can always come back to rest in the fact that even though things in life might not be going the way I thought, hoped, or dreamed, I have a God that loves me, cares about me, and sees my heart in a way that no one else can. When my spirit is broken and I’m on my knees in despair, I always think back to my eleven year old self and how the Lord did listen to me. He held me through that trial and He heard my cries. He didn’t answer my prayers how I expected, but he did answer them. None of it came full circle until many years later for me, but I have always, always known that I can trust him.
The Lord doesn’t use brokenness in our lives to keep us there. He uses it so that we will fully depend on Him.
You might be facing a divorce in your family. You might be feeling broken, lost, and unsure of the future. Cry out to the Lord and lean on Him. You can trust him through the uncertainty, even if your prayers aren’t answered how you hoped. His plan is greater than anything we could dream or think up. Trust him with your brokenness. Give it to him, lay it down, and know that being broken in spirit is the time when you can trust in Him the most. It's will be ok. Maybe not perfect, but it will turn out alright in the end.
We are all broken, that's how the light gets in. ~Ernest Hemingway
Be Near By Esther Gallagher
As I lay in bed with the blinds drawn in the mid-afternoon, my sister Lea came into my room with a smile and my black boots saying, “I took these into the cobbler for you.” She had the torn leather on the heel replaced but I was in no mood to wear them much less get showered and dressed for the day. She had the leather repaired but what she was really trying to do was fix me up, relieve some of the weight of my world. A couple days later she arrived with a small token of retail therapy, a new pink Puma baseball cap. She must have thought that if I wasn’t going to wash my grease slicked hair, then I might as well cover it with a hat for the occasional, forced trip out in public. Then came her weekly Sunday visits to take the kids to church; a huge treat for them to get out of the house considering their entertainment those days were limited to endless hours of Disney movies as mom sat like a limp noodle on the couch. She brought them the familiarity of their Sunday routine and some much needed cool aunt attention. She brought me the simple gift of her presence when I needed it most but was too overwhelmed, tired, and proud to ask for it and my husband was working long hours. Her company was just the soft cradle that I needed to settle into, much more soothing than my misshaped pillow and the comforter pulled up over my face to block the harsh sunlight trying to stream into the bedroom.
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I was just a few weeks pregnant with my (surprise) fourth child and was at the lowest point in my life. I was a puking, greasy-haired, mental case, and all I wanted to do was wallow in sadness. Sadness for feeling scared about having another child; for feeling that I had no more energy or time to give to one more human being; for feeling overstretched both professionally and financially; and mostly, sadness and guilt for feeling so sad when I should have been ecstatic about the gift growing inside me. All I could think about was how I was already struggling to find balance amongst the chaos of working full-time, being fully present for my husband, meeting the needs of our three young girls, and trying to bring back that spunky, fun-loving girl I was before I became so serious about juggling the responsibilities of life. In the midst of all of that, I was scared to death at the prospect of becoming a new mom again. Life was supposed to be getting a bit simpler as the kids got older and grew more independent. I didn’t know how I could meet the demands of a newborn when I was feeling like I wasn’t sufficiently giving to my loved ones and myself already. A couple weeks later, our lives became more complicated as my husband, Jimmy, underwent reconstructive knee surgery which required his repaired knee to be stabilized and mechanically exercised on a slowly rotating machine for a few weeks. He is truly a partner to me in every aspect of our lives and with his immobility, all family responsibilities fell on me even though I myself felt emotionally limp. It was such an exhausting time for us with him needing physical recovery time and rest and I desperately needing spiritual recovery. With my morning
sickness morphing into all day long sickness, I was of no help to him or the rest of our family. He was in such pain and I, in such emotional turmoil on top of hormonal hell, didn’t know how to manage until thankfully, Nana came to the rescue and moved in with us for several weeks. My mother-in-law’s mission during her long-term slumber party with us was simple: make grocery runs, cook meals, prepare the kids’ lunches for school, and ensure we had clean underwear to wear. She dished up homemade mac and cheese and a hearty meatloaf but also a healthy serving of empathy when we needed it most. It was our ‘poor baby’ time and although Jimmy’s orthopedic boo-boo and my first trimester blues couldn’t be healed with a band-aid and kiss, it was so reassuring to just have Nana there in our home at the ready. As the days went on and the intensity of the nausea subsided, my depression faded. But what really lifted my spirits during my sickest time was the comfort of knowing that these two women were there to take care of me and my family-- no questions asked and ‘no’ not accepted for an answer. During those difficult weeks, I had reverted to infancy and they were my nurturing mothers, holding on tight to my delicate heart and embracing me when I felt like I was falling. I felt so helpless but their big hearts and helping hands made me feel more reassured, less apprehensive over the future. They put food in our mouths and fed my needy soul, did the laundry and washed away my anxiety, brought me a hat but also assurance that my sorrow would dissipate and I would soon rejoice in the new life ahead of me. They did so much more than I will ever be able to sufficiently thank them for. As I watch my son today and
delight in the joy and light that he brings me, it pains me to remember how broken I felt back then.
I am so grateful that I
found my way back to health and peace in large part due to the generosity of these women that wanted nothing more than to care for me so that I could take care of the precious life that I was blessed with nine months later.
Just as the Lord is near to the broken hearted, he wants us to be near to others. I’m so grateful for the helping hands and encouraging words that have seen me through times of vulnerability and fear. They have inspired me to show love for the broken-hearted around me. Look around you. They are not just in thirdworld countries-- so many friends whose marriages are falling apart, whose children are suffering from anxiety, depression or physical ailments, or loved ones losing their jobs. Maybe they don’t need a pink baseball cap but have you dropped off a frozen meal or cup of coffee, placed a card under the doormat, offered to drop off milk, bread, and cereal the next time you run to the store, dug a little deeper when they say they’re ‘doing o.k.’ but clearly are not? Look out for the broken hearted and offer a little mending. When Humpty Dumpty falls, there’s only you and me kid because the kings’ men galloped off with their horses to the countryside a long time ago. It’s up to us to put each other’s broken pieces back together again.
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Let Go And
LET GOD By Christine Cram This summer has been really tough for me. Without going into too much detail, I am super pregnant and my husband and I am making some huge life decisions at the moment. I am an emotional hot mess. I love my husband beyond words and will continue to submit to him, even in the tough times. There is a Bible verse that has been so encouraging to me recently and I wanted to share it with you, in hopes that you will also be encouraged. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit.” ~Psalm 34:18
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I love that sweet reminder that the Lord is near. It’s such a simple concept, yet sometimes I forget that the Lord is right here with me. No matter what I am going through, He is right there. He doesn’t have to be near, but He chooses to be because we are His children. He loves us so much. I cannot even begin to understand His love for us. He is near. Broken things can become blessed things if you let God do the mending.” (Author unknown)
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I read that quote and thought, ‘wow.’ I loved it. Whatever we are going through, no matter how tough; the crappy can be used for blessings. Have you ever experienced that?
I know I have. So many times. While you are in the tough situation, that sometimes feels like that’s it, my life or this certain circumstance will always be the way it is. A feeling of hopelessness comes in a way. Then all of a sudden the cloud leaves and things clear up. The Lord can use anything He wants for the good. He’s that creative. Let go and let God. I have heard that so many times. It’s true though. God’s shoulders are way bigger than ours. He can handle whatever it is that you are going through. In fact He wants to take that burden off of you. You know why? Because He loves you. I need to stop and remember that from time to time when I start going down that rabbit trail of feeling overwhelmed and broken.
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Turning The Broken Into
Something Beautiful By Danielle Nesper Photos by Jay & Jess
Tragedy. There’s been a lot of that lately. The world’s seen a lot of darkness lately and it breaks my heart. It feels like every time the TV is on or I look on the internet there’s nothing but ugliness being thrust upon us. After a while how does it not start weighing us down?! I feel the weight of it all now more than I ever have. Maybe it’s being a mom, maybe it’s because I’m getting older, maybe it’s none of the above – I think it’s just our broken world on display. This world’s biggest problem is evil and more importantly the father of evil: the
devil himself. (See? You can’t even spell devil without evil!) Paul reminds us in Ephesians 6:12 that our battle is not against flesh and blood (our human brothers and sisters) but completely against the devil and all of the darkness he brings to our lives. This is a spiritual battle, a battle that’s been raging since the dawn of time, a battle that has already been won through Jesus! The enemy wants fear to creep into our lives and paralyze us, even if only for a moment, and the media’s constant coverage of evil does not help.
"But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
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The good news is there’s a way to fight it! Scripture says it very clearly “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there’s anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8) This world has almost always been broken and it will remain broken but this world also contains beauty, excellence, and nobility and if we focus on those things the brokenness doesn’t seem so scary. That doesn’t mean that we shy away from the brokenness. What it means is we’re heartbroken but we’re not paralyzed. It means we want change and we’re going to lead the change! It means we’re going to address the issues and make a path forward, together! If our battle is not against flesh and blood, then we have to stop believing in the “us versus them” mentality. I think we all need to remember that we’re all in the same boat. We need to start focusing on loving each other, building each other up, and creating unity. I’m taking this month, and would love if you would join me, in recognizing the brokenness of this world but I’m going to choose to not let the brokenness of this world scare me. I’m going to choose to believe Jesus’ words in John 16:33 that I don’t need to be afraid because He’s overcome the world. By choosing to not be afraid I can impact my community to unite in overcoming fear, racism, hatred, radicalization, depression, loneliness… the list goes on! I’m going to choose to respond in love, compassion, and courage. I believe by choosing these responses I can build bridges not burn them. I also know that not everyone is going to agree on everything and that’s the beautiful part about this world is that love doesn’t mean that we have to agree. Love and compassion should always be unconditional. Imagine if we all responded this way! What would the world look like then? How quickly could we make a huge dent in the brokenness of the world? The choice is up to us!
FROM THE HEART The importance of our words and the weight that they carry by Nicole Thompson
As I’m writing I try to picture those who will read this on the other side of the screen. I wish I could meet you and hear your story. Although I’d love to see all your faces, I am more curious about your hearts. The Lord told Samuel that although men look at the outward appearance, he looks at the heart. So I wonder then about the condition of your heart. If we could see as God does, what would we see of each other? God has taken me through a season of deep pruning for the last year and a half. He’s done A LOT of work on my heart. Sin, hurts, and things that just aren’t for me anymore have been pruned away, but I know there are so many more
layers still uncovered. I’m so thankful for God’s wisdom and patience in revealing only what I can handle. If he dropped the scales from my eyes and showed me all my sin at once it would ruin me. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Instead, in his mercy he reveals only what I’m ready to see. However, to be honest, I’ve been taking sin too lightly for too long. I’ve felt broken over various life circumstances and hurts but I don’t recall feeling broken over my sin. I’ve felt guilty or remorseful, repented, and made intentional efforts to improve in those areas but I still wouldn’t say it grieved my heart. Yet when God convicted me of my words recently, for the first time I was truly grieved over my offenses. I felt a glimpse of how God must feel
towards sin and it broke my heart. With just a few words, hearts are built up or broken down. I want to be a woman after God’s own heart who speaks words of life and truth. I want to build others up, not tear them down. For the first time I began to see what an impact our words make. There’s a reason that the Bible tells us
So I wonder then about the condition of your heart. If we could see as God does, what would we see of each other?
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"With just a few words, hearts are built up or torn down. For the first time, I began to see what an impact our words make."
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God spoke the world into existence. He didn’t just think it into existence. He didn’t build it with his hands. He spoke and it was. For those of us who call Jesus our savior we have the Holy Spirit living in us. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead resides in us. Our words are powerful too. Paul tells us in Romans 12:14, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” What we speak has an effect in the spiritual realm. As I looked back on some of the things I had spoken of others (and even of myself) it broke my heart. At times I had just been careless and other times my words stemmed from a judgmental, critical spirit. I repented and asked for the Holy Spirit’s help in being more intentional and mindful with my words. I’ve had to set some boundaries for myself.
I've had to say no to things I really wanted to say yes to. I’d rather look back and see that I follow what God was asking of me instead of what was easier or more comfortable at the time. Obedience will always be worth the sacrifice. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 What kind of words flow from your heart? Are they pleasing to the Lord or would they grieve his heart? In this dark and broken world so full of negativity I wonder how much we could change with just our words. What would happen if we stopped complaining, gossiping, and speaking negatively? What if we focused on speaking words of love, truth, and encouragement instead? I think we will find the reward is well worth the effort.
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She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders & made it look like a pair of wings.
GROWING ALONE
WRITTEN BY SARAH COSTA
When we moved churches right before our daughter was born, we knew we were going to have to go out of our way to get plugged in. Since it was a church plant, even the pastor, the first few weeks, stressed strongly that it was our responsibility to go out of our way and meet people. Because we were a young church, you would only find unity and community if you were the one creating it. That idea really challenged me. Prior to this point, I’d considered myself an introvert and wasn’t concerned about expanding my circle of friends or even being too involved with other women. READ MORE...
After starting my own business and attending a women’s retreat focused on unity, my fire was lit to really take this idea from Ephesians 4:3: “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace,” and be obedient. I worked at going out of my way to talk to people, connect with friends that I hadn’t talked to in years, and in general, be friendlier. It was exhausting at first, but like anything in life the more you do it, the easier it gets. It took some time, too, but the more people we met, the more friends we made. I started to enjoy talking with people, looking forward to going out for coffee, and looking for ways to make new friends. When God called us to move across the country, I was sure that He had something awesome planned for us, I still am. But what I didn’t expect was how much I would miss the friends that I’d made. As a stay at home mom, making new friends in a new state is a challenge that I’d never faced before. But God calls us to much more than just a new apartment, new job, or even new
relationships. He calls us deeper into Himself and into His love. As we settled into our new life, I found I had more time than usual to spend with Christ. I had more room in my head and heart for him as well. Without friends meeting us here or having someone over there, I could only worship him alone and with my family. And He calls my heart deeper every time. Every morning, He whispers “seek my face.” And every afternoon when I dig into his truth, He fills my heart with joy, shows me sin that I hadn’t even thought of before, and leaves me praising Him as I go to wake up my daughter from her nap. He challenges me that not only is He enough, but He is everything. Walking with Christ should be joyful. It should be something I wake up looking forward to and planning my day around. I could dwell on the lack of friends or myriad of unknowns that come with moving, but He keeps pulling my eyes up into His face. Being unified in Christ is important, and I’m still looking
When God called us to move across the country, I was sure that He had something awesome planned for us. I still am. But what I didn't expect was how much I would miss the friends I had made." "
forward to creating new friendships where He has moved us. But I’m thankful for this time that He is growing me to see that he is not just worth worshipping, but he is exciting to worship. He is exciting to spend time with. He shoots His love like lightening through your soul, and overwhelms no matter what situation you are in life. Do you hear Him whispering to you? Seek His face and see Him set your soul on fire.
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By Norina Verduzco-Murphy, MSW, LCSW
"A diagnosis is burden enough without being burdened by secrecy and shame."- Jane Pauly Everyone remembers their first time. I was 20 years old. A bank teller, in the middle of assisting a customer. Suddenly, I felt a hot sensation come over me. I couldn’t quite catch my breath. The sounds around me started to get further away, my heart was racing, and I became nauseated. I excused myself and sat in the vault. My manager came by and asked if I was ok. I was drenched in sweat. She brought me some cold water and eventually it passed. Because I had felt some chest pain during this ordeal, I was urged to see a doctor. From that first time on, I kept getting bouts of these feelings. Sometimes, even waking up in the middle of the night feeling it. I was convinced; something had to be “wrong” with me. My doctor did blood work, an echocardiogram, and asked some questions. Once all the tests came back normal he said: “Congratulations, you have anxiety.” I’m not joking. He actually said that. I was working full time, carrying 16 units in college. I didn’t have time for this. He offered no solutions other than to get over it, sharing a personal account about how at his wedding he had a panic attack but other than that he was fine and I would be too. I was desperate for a solution because these episodes were starting to interfere with life. I felt broken, frustrated, and weak. Eventually I found myself at the university counseling center. I had never been to therapy. I didn’t even really know what that was. I was sat down by the kindest soul. She simply said all the right things. Ummm where was this woman all my life? I mean up till now I had really never had a personal cheerleader in my corner before. I felt lucky to have found her. Not everyone is as lucky as I was to get help so early on.
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"Mental illness is a combination of neurobiology and psychological influences, not a weakness in character."
One in five Americans have a mental
Therefore, it really is nothing to be
health issue. Many people deal with
ashamed of. That’s called “blaming the
these issues alone. As a mental health
survivor” in my book. Therapy is one of
practitioner now myself, I have seen so
the ways a person can take control of their
many people who make their way to me
illness. Because there is real stigma in our
who have been suffering, sometimes for
society in accessing care for mental health
most of their life, because they didn’t
(31% of Americans actually report getting
know how to get help. In addition, there
treatment for mental health as
are economic barriers and in some areas
“embarrassing”), in combination with a
a scarcity of resources. But the biggest
lack of knowledge about what happens in
reason I find that people suffer
a therapeutic session, I would like to share
…they are
ashamed to seek out therapy.
a bit of what you can expect should you chose to seek out therapy:
No. Just no. We can not let stigma be our biggest barrier.
1. The first few sessions are usually spent history gathering, clarifying the problem,
Mental illness is a combination of
and examining what solutions have
neurobiology and psychological
already been attempted. Once given the
influences, not a weakness in character.
chance to clarify your issues, your therapist will be better able to formulate realistic, achievable, short and long term plans and goals.
2. Next, work will begin towards learning new problem-solving or coping skills, increasing self-understanding, exploring life patterns, and gaining a better sense of how you are influenced by relationships and your surroundings. Your therapist will focus on your unique strengths and past success experiences in this phase of treatment. Typically, together, you and your therapist will identify and implement the most effective solutions based on your unique circumstances.
3. Lastly, your therapy session is just that, yours. Your therapist may guide discussions but at any point you are encouraged to bring forth what you want to talk about that day, share writings, life events, and even vent if that’s what you need to do.
Now to go back and address what some of
…she’s a therapist
you might be thinking
who has been in therapy?
You caught that did you?
… And proud of it.
Well yes. Yes I am
I had to drop a
class that semester I dealt with my first real bout of anxiety. I definitely missed some days of work. I broke
up with a boyfriend (if he’s reading this, I swear it really was me not you ;). I eventually left that bank job I was never really good at (math is not my strength), went on to get a master’s degree and after a few thousand hours of
interning, received a license to practice clinical therapy myself. I consider myself a productive member of society and a pretty good wife, mom, and therapist. And get
…. <drum roll>…. I have continued over the years to
this
check in with a therapist if I feel the need to because if I
"As a mental health practitioner now myself, I have seen so many people who make their way to me who have been suffering, sometimes for most of their life, because they didn’t know how to get help."
had a physical condition and it acted up, I would certainly see my primary care physician and not just
“deal with it”
or try and power through. Therapists typically do not self-disclose. I chose to do so not to brag but to encourage. I do it to help break the
stigma. Whether you’re 20 or 120, it’s never too late to
Norina Verduzco-Murphy, MSW, LCSW is the kind of therapist you wish was your friend. She is the wife of a military veteran and cancer-survivor as well as a mother of 2;
get treatment. Please do not let a misguided social
a sweet and gentle boy with a Christ-like spirit
construct get in the way of living your best life for yet
and a funny, kind, high-spirited little girl. Norina
another day.
is the sole owner of a thriving private practice she's built since 2007 in Upland, CA serving the Eastern Los Angeles County and the Inland Empire.
There is no one size fits all with therapists. Find one that
She views her profession as not just a career but a calling.
suits you. And my best advice yet, when choosing a
To view her website, click HERE.
therapist, think twice about seeing a therapist who hasn’t been in therapy themselves.
MOMMY MALFUNCTION By Jennifer Stamps
You can read all the books, articles, and Facebook mommy group posts. You know that c-sections are totally normal and nursing is really hard. But of course, it’s ok and normal for everyone else. Not for you. Not because you’re better or different than anyone else. But because it’s just going to be “perfect” for you. Why wouldn’t it be? You will have a natural birth that might as well be in the ocean with dolphins and mermaids swimming and singing around you. And nursing? Are you kidding me? Your baby will be the plumpest and it will be 100% from you. Not only that, but your nursing bond and relationship will last well into toddlerhood. Yes. That’s how it will be. This was my mentality. I knew friends who had c-sections and I never batted an eye. Of course their birth story counts and is beautiful. They birthed their child the best and safest way for them and their baby. You go, mama. And some friends had a really hard time nursing. Some supplemented with formula and some were never able to nurse their baby. They are amazing moms. They did exactly what they needed to do – they fed their baby! Whatever way they could, they made sure that baby was cuddled, snuggled, and had a full tummy. So why, when I was faced with a csection did I feel like I was broken? And why did I feel inadequate when I had to start supplementing with formula at two weeks? I was blessed with a textbook perfect pregnancy. And I mean blessed. I know that’s rare. I loved her kicks and hiccups and 2:00am dance parties – seriously. I STELLAR DAY MAGAZINE
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LOVED it. The first trimester yielded some nausea, my
7lbs. When the doctor told me to start supplementing
back hurt a little toward the end, and if I ate more
with formula I cried. I was broken. I was unable to
than half a serving of food at a time, I had heartburn,
feed my child. Once again, I had given grace to so
but that was pretty much it. I was very thankful. And
many women. Genuinely gave words of
truly enjoyed every moment of it – probably to the
encouragement. And never for one second thought
point where women thought I was delusional or
less of any woman who couldn’t or didn’t breastfeed
completely full of it.
their baby. Yet, I was expected to be textbook perfect. Of course, I did what I needed to do, I fed my
Then 39 weeks + 3 days rolled by. I was measuring at
child. And the weight came back on – and then some.
43 weeks (Yes. That’s a thing.) Baby girl was not
But I was left feeling broken time and time again. Like
dropping. And my body was showing no signs of
I was malfunctioning.
getting ready to deliver. Then we had a fourth ultrasound. Baby girl was big – couldn’t even fit on
Our nursing journey was rocky at best. I stressed and
one screen. The doctor estimated between 8 and 9
stressed over it – hindsight, that definitely made it
pounds (and she let us know she’s rarely off by more
worse. When I went back to work, I was barely able to
than half a pound). Not only that, but we discovered
pump enough for half a bottle. Then one day, as a 7
that my bone structure likely wouldn’t deliver a baby
month old, she decided she was completely done. By
naturally that was bigger than about 5 pounds. So.
that point, we were only nursing about 5 minutes
We were left with two options…wait it out, go into
each day – if we were lucky. And I pumped just so
labor (in the meantime letting her get bigger and
that I could hang on to what we had left.
bigger), and have a good chance of ending in an emergency c-section after who knows how many
Looking back, I realize how blessed we are to have
hours of labor. Or. Schedule a c-section.
had those 7 months. And in no way was I broken. There are still times when I “malfunction.” I forget to
I was broken.
send extra clothes to school and I pick her up and she’s wearing a Halloween outfit after an accident,
I had grace for others, but gave myself none. After
because that’s all that was left. And times when we
talking to several women in my life who have
order pizza because I’m too tired to cook. I’m sharing
performed c-sections and had c-sections themselves
this, not for sympathy – no, we’re a-ok! I’m sharing
(both planned and emergency), we decided to opt for
because I know what it’s like to feel broken and less
the planned c-section on my due date.
than. And I know you’ve felt the same way – maybe even feeling the same way. Your feelings are valid, it’s
Nursing was a-whole-nother issue. Still, to this day, I
totally normal, but you’re not broken. You are a
don’t know what my “issue” was, but I was broken
beautiful person with a beautiful story and the
again. I thought we were doing it well but my
“malfunctioning” is just a tiny part of it.
daughter kept losing weight. Born at 8lbs 13oz, by the time two weeks rolled around, she was almost
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High Five.
You should be super proud.
Editor in Chief Jessica Williams Associate Editor Jennifer Stamps Contributors Brianna VanderWeide Christine Cram Danielle Nesper Esther Gallagher Jennifer Stamps Kate Williams Nicole Thompson Rennai Hoefer Robyn Baldwin Sarah Costa Sarah Trapp Columnists Christine Cram Danielle Nesper Esther Gallagher Jennifer Stamps Jessica Williams Nicole Thompson Norina Verduzco-Murphy, MSW, LCSW Sarah Costa Special Thanks AFC Chiropractic Hello Happiness Card Co. Nine Retreat Jay & Jess Photography
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EDITOR'S NOTE
Jessica Williams EDITOR-IN-CHIEF We live in a broken world. And with all of the recent news around the world in past weeks, this isn't brand new information to anyone. Our world is broken, hurting, deteriorating, and can be really scary sometimes. I believe in the One who came to fix and heal all brokenness. A Savior who died for it and for us. And I know that while the world seems to be getting worse and worse, I have complete faith and trust that He is in complete control of it all. Life wasn't ever promised to be perfect, fixed, healed or whole. We have no guarantees of any of that. But we DO have the opportunity to trust that God has got this entire mess inside his big, giant hands. That He can see the future and knows every single step we are going to take. Our lives and this world may be broken, but there is still beauty. Beauty and brokenness that God wants to use for His glory. Brokenness that we may never understand in this lifetime and that seems incredibly unfair at times. But there's beauty in it all. May you choose strength instead of fear, hope instead of anger, and love instead of living inside a broken heart. Hope for the future is always there if we trust that the one who created all of us knows exactly what He is doing.
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