OBRIGADO 36 SPRING 2014 by The Publishing Partnership

complimentary copy

issue 36 / spring 2014

my life, my coffee

THE CONVERSE CONS WEAPON

Pontus Alv. Everything is his weapon. More at CONVERSECONS.TUMBLR.COM

Welcome to a blooming marvellous issue. 04 my life 10 pretty handy 13 pet sounds 18 the art of skateboarding 22 (-: just between you and me ;-) 24 confessions of a shared-space dweller 28 it’s a matter of fact 32 vox pops 34 future sounds of spring 36 the truth about twitter Flipping through our cover designer’s portfolio is enough to make you fall in love with typography all over again. But he’s just as talented in many other mediums and up for any challenge. Meet KATLEGO PHATLANE, a thirdyear student at the Vega School of Brand Leadership, who happily plays ‘either-or’ with us – while still jet-lagged from a trip to New York to represent Johannesburg in the Portfolio Night All-Stars 2014 creative challenge. Hi, my name is: Katlego Phatlane. But you can call me: Katt Rock, paper or scissors? Sledgehammer. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Detailed or abstract? I am a very detail-focused abstract thinker. I guess I just don’t like falling into a category. Comic Sans or Arial? Definitely Bebas Neue – I love headliner typefaces. Introvert or extrovert? I’m an extrovert, according to my friends, but I’m not as outspoken as they assume. Truth or dare? Double D for Definitely Dare. Think before you talk or talk before you think? A mix of the two, but you should always have something relevant to say. Money or fame? Passion breeds both; that’s my philosophy. Johannesburg or New York? Pretoria. This is home and no other place comes close. It’s got just enough of what I like, and very little of what I don’t. Mondays or Fridays? I’m a Wednesday kind of guy. I love the relief of midweek and the excitement of the approaching weekend. Soccer or skateboarding? Definitely soccer. After design, soccer is my second love. Puma or Nike? Personally, Adidas, but having currently worked on a Puma brief in New York, I must say that I like where Puma is going with its resurgence into the sporting culture. See more of my work at: www.behance.net/kattphatt

editor delené van der lugt: dvdlugt@tppsa.co.za | designer ryan manning | copy editor wendy maritz | content director susan newham-blake | publisher lori cohen | advertising grant van willingh: gwillingh@tppsa.co.za or +27 (0)21 488 5959 traffic manager janice mclean | vida e caffè grant, lloyd, papa, paul and andrea www.vidaecaffe.com Find us online:

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@ObrigadoMag

Find vida online:

www.facebook.com/vida

The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd. Executive Directors: Mark Beare and John Morkel. address: PO Box 15054, Vlaeberg 8018, +27 (0)21 424 3517, www.tppsa.co.za. Copyright: The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd 2014. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without prior permission of the editor. The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of vida e caffè, the editorial director, the publisher or the agents. Although every reasonable effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, the information published is for information purposes only and cannot be relied on as the opinion of an expert. vida e caffè, the publisher or the editor cannot be held responsible for any omission or errors or any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom.

@vidaecaffe

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SHOT OF LIFE Look out for vida’s new “SHOT OF LIFE” campaign now live across all stores. vida has partnered with the great team from GWF (Good Work Foundation) a NGO with a mission to bring world class education to rural Africa! vida customers now have the opportunity to add a “SHOT OF LIFE” to any vida purchase to help support GWF’s goal of raising R250 000 in the next six months. Visit www.facebook.com/vida or www.goodworkfoundation.org for more information.

IMAGES: SUPPLIED (VIDA); HARNESS HAMESE (KHUMBULA)

THE ELEGANCE OF SARTORIAL SOUTH AFRICANS Collectives of like-minded 20-something snappy dressers from Johannesburg are quietly promoting the South African fashion industry, showcasing their version of the townships they grew up in and gathering an international following along the way. We caught up with one of the groups who are ‘turning back the clock to find something fashion forward’ on their blog www.khumbula.wordpress.com. Hi, we are: Khumbula. It means ‘remember’ in Zulu or Xhosa (Nguni). Tell us a bit about yourselves: We are a nostalgic three-piece fashion band. Andile Biyana, aka the Queen of Spades, is a law student. Bafana, aka Inkabi (Zulu for ‘hit man’), plays around the score sheet of past Zulu warriors. He has a lot of charisma for an accounting student! David Maledimo is a fashion student and the details guy. Behind the scenes, you’ll find Harness Hamese, who captures everything with his epic lens, and Phirima Motaung, our resident scribe. Describe your style: World-class, well cut and African. Why the ’50s? It was never a matter of us sitting down and agreeing that the ’50s style is our style. It’s what our parents and most of our elders wore and some still wear. What do you love about that time? Those were the years of Frank Sinatra, the world was recovering from World War II. Clothes and music became more playful, and enjoyed something of a liberation. According to our parents and elders, there were lots of heartfelt moments in those days, and I guess that sincerity also tickles our hearts. How did you all come together? Fate, probably. We grew up in different parts of Joburg – Alex, Soweto and Yeoville – but we all grew up affected by the poverty and hardship that’s part of township living. We connected first on style, and the result is our work, which speaks of dignity, pride and elegant sophistication, with a touch of imperfection. Where do you get your clothes? From our parents, family members, elders and a bit of thrift shopping. What’s the most essential item in a wardrobe? Anything you would wear for 30 years or more. If your style was a song, what would it be? ‘Gentleman’ by Fela Kuti. What’s up next? More storytelling and collaborations and getting better at what we do. The response to our blog has been overwhelming. We can only say, ‘Siyabonga!’

DOGGONE COOL He’s battled the Red Baron, travelled to space and is partial to tapping out pulp fiction that always begins with ‘It was a dark and stormy night’ on a typewriter balanced atop his kennel. It’s been a dog’s life, and in 2015 Snoopy turns 65. Brazilian sandal company Havaianas has created a line celebrating the beloved beagle of comics. Flip-flops in the new Snoopy Collection will retail for R320 and are available through Havaianas South Africa. For more information, follow them on Twitter: @SA_Havaianas_SA or call 021 511 1182.

SNEAKY SECRETS Most skateboarders are closet sneakerheads. We asked local hero Khule Ngubane if he has a footwear fetish. Favourite skate shoes? I’m not really a materialistic person. As long as they look good, I’m satisfied. I’ve been lucky enough to get free shoes since I was 15 years old, so I didn’t have to worry about brands or the latest stuff. DC Shoes has a lot of variety and is constantly changing and evolving its brand. How do you decide what pair to wear to an event like the Kimberley Diamond Cup? The cool part about being sponsored is you can pick the shoes prior to the contest and wear them in. But it’s not about the shoes; it’s really up to how hard you skate. Biggest accomplishment so far, and your ultimate goal? Making that transition from being just another skater kid to skating changing my life through sponsorships. I’d love to be able to skate overseas, especially in America. Favourite spot to skate? To be honest, it’s all about the memories that make a spot good for me. The People’s Park stairs at Moses Mabhida Stadium is one of the best spots in South Africa, but I also have great memories of me and my homies skating there! How many pairs of shoes do you go through in a year? If I’m at home having a chilled skate, a pair could last me three weeks. But if I’m travelling on the road, filming street skating everyday, a pair will last me two weeks maximum. So let’s do the math, two pairs a month multiplied by twelve, I guess. Catch Khule in action at the Kimberley Diamond Cup from 2 to 5 October or follow him on Twitter or Instagram: @KhuleNgubane

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APPY DAYS No cash for a much-needed coffee? No worries! This is why vida teamed up with the folks from FlickPay and threw a little bash at Portside vida e caffè to celebrate. With this smart and secure payment app, you can pay for all the things you love with your smartphone. Simply load your credit-card details and start flicking to pay at a host of stores and venues, including all vida e caffès. The app is free and vida will throw in a free solo cappuccino or Americano when you first download the app. Go to www.flickpay to get started.

IMAGES: PONZONE (KHULE NGUBANE); SUPPLIED (VIDA IMAGES)

#remakechallenge They say good things come in threes. This is the third year vida has partnered with Live Eco to support their Remake Design Challenge, which was also tipped as an official World Design Capital 2014 event. Students and emerging designers were challenged to create mainstream clothing and objects whilst sticking to sustainable design principles and eliminating waste in their production methods. Aside from sponsoring prizes, we hosted workshops, briefings and made sure the vida van was on hand to provide fuel for inspiration. The winners will be announced on 2 October, so watch this space. Go to www.remakechallenge.com to see more.

FUN FOR NON-FUNDI’S Can we get a moerse lot of hayibos and sommer a whole bunch of kiefs for the folks at Learn to Lead? They’ve just relaunched their proudly South African game Culturewise. Consisting of 67 South African trivia cards, which feature designs from some of our beloved local brands, the game is a way of shedding light on and sparking discussion around many of the interesting cultural differences that exist in our country. So for just three ‘clippers’, a ‘roogie’ and a ‘tiger’ (or R398), you get a full deck of Jargon Busters and Q&A cards to find out just how much you and your chinas know about Mzansi culture and our national languages. Just go easy on the umqombothi, and play nicely! For more information, contact dani@learntolead.co.za or visit www.learntolead.co.za. Fancy a free copy of the game? Simply SMS Obrigado Culture, your name, daytime telephone number, address to 33282 by 30 November 2014. Terms and conditions: 1. The giveaway is open to all Obrigado readers. 2. The winner will be selected by random draw and informed telephonically. 3. The prize may differ from the image. 4. The prize cannot be exchanged for cash. 5. By entering this competition, entrants agree to abide by the rules and conditions of the competition. 6. The judges’ decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

Available from Edgars stores countrywide.

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one day only

SHOP TWENTYFOUR SEVEN On SA’s best deal site, onedayonly.co.za, you can get up to 90% off the normal retail price on awesome brands like Smeg, Puma, GHD and many more. Don’t forget to use the R50 off first purchase coupon on page seven.

A FRESH TAKE ON AN OLD FRIEND And the award for greatest life-hack invention since waterproof cellphones goes to… the ‘Rubber Chuck’. Perfect for summer shower puddles or muddy festivals, the high-top sneakers from the 2014 Converse Chuck Taylor All Star Rubber collection (R999*) are completely water- and rainproof. We’re loving the navy pair but they come in an awesome spectrum of colours. Available online and at selected retailers.

vida e caffé now on

Instagramers of Mzansi, don’t forget to keep sharing your life and coffee moments with us at @vidaecaffe_official

*RECOMMENDED SALES PRICE

TIMELESS STYLE Picture one of the most iconic images in cinema history – James Dean leaning casually against a bare brick wall. He epitomises ‘cool’ in Rebel Without A Cause and, just by the way, he’s wearing Lee 101Z jeans. Dean told us to ‘Dream as if you’ll live forever’ and ‘Live as if you’ll die today’ and in a heartbeat, jeans became a badge of honour for revolutionaries. This year Lee celebrates its 125th anniversary and if the iconic actor could look in your closet today, he’d recognise your Lee jeans right away. That doesn’t mean they never change their styles. They do, all the time. With sophisticated new techniques and cool new fabrics and shapes, they’re liberating a new generation of metropolitan hipsters to find themselves through expression. Times change. People change, but a great pair of denims lives on forever.

Hands down, a few of our favourite things for spring. Slot-shaped brass bangle, R500, Dear Rae; Diamond-shaped brass bangle, R500, Dear Rae; Twisted brass bangle, R2 500, Ida Elsje; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Dancing in the Rainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; clutch in blue leather, R550, Ilundi

Gaucho bag in monochrome zigzag, R4 400, Missibaba

Tortoiseshell sunglasses, R2 956, Prada; Navy sunglasses, R3 036, Persol

The 48-20 Chrono Leather, R4 999, Nixon Stockists: Dear Rae, 021 447 1390; Ilundi, 074 539 0302; Luxottica: 021 486 6100; Missibaba, 021 424 8127; Nixon, www.watchrepublic.co.za

Recent research indicates that parrots enjoy a good tune, as long as it’s not dance music, dogs enjoy a bit of Bach and, according to Alexandra Crockett’s photo book Metal Cats, felines are partial to tunes by Lightning Swords of Death (not really, but it does show that metal dudes love cats). We asked a few local musos if their pets like music and, more tellingly, if they like their owner’s music. Photos by Andy Lund

Companions’ names: Sean Ou Tim and Inka Kendzia Age: 9 years Pedigree: Swiss Shepherd Pet peeve: Other dogs barking at her sneakily from behind hedges when we take her for walks. She’s sensitive to a cacophony of barking – maybe she thinks they’re barking out of tune. She also doesn’t like the utility bills that the postman delivers, or maybe it’s just because he hasn’t brought around her subscription to Top Dog Weekly. Pet performance: We entered her into her first dog-obedience competition a few years back and she came second! We were so proud, but it may have helped that there were only two dogs in that category. Pet love: She loves sniffing out a treat that we hide somewhere in the house. Oh, and playing tug with her toys. Pet place: On her favourite rug in the middle of the lounge. Pet sounds: Akira likes it when I ‘noodle’ on the piano in the house. She’s also partial to a bit of Portishead. It may be because I had it as my ringtone and when the track played, it always meant visitors had arrived – to her, that equated to more cuddles and belly rubs. Mr Sakitumi and The Grrrl are heading back to Europe in October to promote Sweet & Sour Vol.2, and the music video Mr & Grrrl (Sour) feat. The Grrrl. See more at www.mrsakitumiandthegrrrl.com. thirteen

Companion’s name: Greg Carlin Age: 8 months Pedigree: A bit of Maine Coon and some Siamese Pet peeve: We were told Maine Coons love water. Well, not Cece! She freaks out when we try to wash her! Pet performance: When we first got her, she decided that the best place to go to the loo was in my girlfriend’s shoe cupboard. We had to throw away quite a few pairs of high heels before she learned to only go in the litter box. Luckily, she soiled a pair of suspect pink high heels, which I was amped about! Pet love: Escaping! Give her the smallest gap and she’s out of the apartment. She also likes drinking water out of any container other than her water bowl. Pet place: She chills on her cat castle all day. We’d heard so many stories about people spending thousands on extravagant cat castles and their cats just totally ignoring them. Cece loves her cat castle! Pet sounds: She doesn’t seem to enjoy music much. Anything loud tends to scare her off. So she’s not a fan. Every time I play a song or record some guitar, she sprints out the room... Maybe she’s trying to tell me something. Zebra & Giraffe’s new album Knuckles is available on iTunes. Check out www.zebraandgiraffe.co.za for tour dates.

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Companion’s name: Hunter Kennedy Age: 10 months Pedigree: Miniature dachshund. Nelia, my wife, got her from breeders in Centurion, so she’s a bit of a poppie. Pet peeve: She hates brooms and vacuum cleaners. I don’t know why! Pet performance: I think her tongue might be too big for her mouth. When she’s sleeping it sticks out. Like she’s teasing us. Pet love: Sleeping, running through Green Point Urban Park and going to my parents’ house because she’s gets fed springbok steak. Pet place: In her bed in front of the heater. Pet sounds? She loves Baha Men, Blackie Swart and Snoop Dogg. I made that up; she doesn’t care about music. She does love Animal Planet, though. Companion’s name: Pierre Greeff Age: 2 years Pedigree: Half spaniel, half French poodle, so basically a Spoodle. Pet peeve: If someone touches his ball or just looks at it. Pet performance: Ottie hates technology. If my wife, Jani, or I work on the laptop, he jumps up and closes the screen or walks over the keyboard, typing random stuff. He also steps on the remote to switch off the TV. Pet love: Going on long, romantic walks on the beach (with his ball); having a quiet dinner at home (with his ball). Basically, anything that involves his ball. He also loves going to our beach house in Vleesbaai. Pet place: The backrest of our couch, so he can look out the window or pounce on us when we least expect it. Pet sounds: Probably ‘Wilder as die Wildtuin’, because even though he’s a domesticated animal, he still remembers his wilder roots. But, basically, any music that makes us dance because then he can jump around and bark and be crazy. Die Heuwels Fantasties’ new album will be out later this year. See www.dieheuwels.co.za for tour dates.❀ sixteen

THE ART OF Hop onboard for a ride as Dylan Muhlenberg explores the parallels between art and skateboarding.

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he street is a canvas, and it’s up to the individual skater how they’ll interpret it. Most of the time they’ll do this by taking on obstacles. However, it’s the growing number of skaters who, say, pick up a paintbrush, that makes one contemplate whether their chosen board sport has any sort of correlation to art. And why not? Both open your mind and are about nonconformity and expression. Both are about surprise and function and having fun. Both require a patience and dedication that most people just aren’t prepared to invest in. Sure, not all skaters are artists, in much the same way that not all artists skate, but there is definitely a stronger inclination than with most other subcultures. Former pro-skateboarder Jaime Hayón has gone on to become one of the world’s most influential and talented contemporary designers, studying at Fabrica in Italy where he worked on the United Colors of Benetton campaign as Oliviero Toscani’s right-hand man. He broke out on his own, eight years later, first with his collection of designer toys, ceramics and furniture, followed by interior design and installations. He explains his progression: ‘For me design takes the same intuitive approach as I had to my skateboarding. It’s how you use your surroundings. And the skateboarding style in which you develop and use your tricks is really similar. One project takes me to another project. Something like a table can lead to a toy, which might lead to a lamp. I find inspiration everywhere.’ This is exactly what skating is: looking at the world with different eyes and being able to transition from a 10-stair rail to a technical flip trick to a stylish slide. It’s all about the moment and using all the colours in your palette. There’s also the risk factor. Jaime left school at 16 to pursue a career in professional skateboarding. He did all the tours, appeared in all the magazines and was sponsored by a bunch of companies. Then he decided to do something else with his life and left Spain for California where he worked on skate parks, a skill he likens to architecture, because, ‘if a transition isn’t precise, you could actually kill yourself’.

On the subject of skate parks, South Africa’s Marc Guy Baker started skating when he was just 10 years old and almost immediately started building his own obstacles. Today he owns a company that specialises in these types of structures, Timber Mill Designs, and was most recently hired by California Skateparks to help build the bowl for the Van Doren Invitational. So what does Marc think of Cape Town’s brandnew skate park underneath the Jutland Avenue bridge in the Gardens? ‘I think it’s great that the city is finally taking skateboarding seriously, putting itself on par with cities like Barcelona. Unfortunately the city has yet to realise that skate parks need to be build by someone who at least knows how to stand on a skateboard. Civil-engineering companies have built the three skate parks in and around the city to date, and in my opinion they are poor. Would you have a podiatrist do open-heart surgery on you? Just because they are both in the medical field doesn’t mean they specialise in the same things, and the same goes for constructing skate parks.’ Skaters look at things differently to most people. Which is why it’s so important that they create their own art, instead of having things force-fed on them. It’s like Jaime says: ‘If you observe differently, everything can become something else. It’s really

Skaters look at things differently to most people great, man. Anything can happen if you see it with another vision, and use the right ingredients.’ Someone who views the world with different eyes is Jason Dill, who you may remember as the dirtbag kid from the first season of The Osbournes. After Dill was done with the show, he came down to Cape Town to decompress for a few months, staying at the Mount Nelson Hotel. The juxtaposition of the high-end hotel suite and the spoiled-brat untidiness of it all was a sight to behold – the floordrobe littered with Polaroid

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photographs that he then turned into collages. ‘I get really frustrated with the system,’ says Dill. ‘I get really frustrated with the whole extreme side of what we were doing. Don’t pollute people with your fucking music. We did a show in Durban at the concrete park and they played The Beatles. My friend said, “Did you realise how much people were landing tricks during that song?” and I was like, “Dude”. They think that we want to hear fucking Smash Mouth when all we want to hear is the Amélie soundtrack. Everyone wants this extreme deodorant-commercial music and we just aren’t fucking about that.’ Perhaps that’s why skaters take to art, so that they can be the ones who put out an honest representation of their lifestyle instead of some rad dad at an advertising agency. Casey Neistat grew up skateboarding and now lives on the Internet. The New Yorker makes movies that become television shows

The Parc dels Auditoris area in Barcelona.

‘This yields a new style, a new genre that nobody has Jaime Hayón ever seen. A decade ago it with his chess set in Trafalgar wasn’t really an option. Most Square. people would use that as a viable excuse to not pursue a lifestyle they really want: “I couldn’t, I had a kid. I couldn’t, I didn’t go to college. I couldn’t, I don’t have the skills.” Excuses are the easy road. To leverage those reasons to do something great is more productive.’ Adrian Day is a shareholder in Session Skateboarding Magazine. He’s responsible for Nike’s skate brand, Nike SB, owns South Africa’s core skate shop Baseline and is the frontman of Bilderberg Motel. Somehow, he still finds time for skate trips and, since 2003, has made 14 pilgrimages to Barcelona. ‘The city was revamped for the 1992

a rider, idea or brand,’ says Adrian. ‘It’s a platform for humour, controversy, and aesthetics. Most companies’ artwork is associated with that company. There’s a great resurgence of controversial artwork coming out again, which gives kids more ideas to contemplate aside from what they are taught at school or shown on the brainwash box.’ Adrian explains that the organic relationship between skateboarding and art goes back to the Z-Boys days, the connection with the Vato Venice spray style and these skater’s identities. Marc says that when he and his friends aren’t riding, they’re putting their minds to good use with different artistic outlets, ranging from graphic design and photography to entrepreneurship and furniture design. Skateboarding is a lifestyle, and always will be. It could also be that skateboarders are more

for HBO, or premier at Cannes or are grabbed up as commercials. However, if he had no responsibilities, he’d spend all his time making DIY, low-fi films doing things like crashing his bike on NYC’s bicycle lanes for YouTube, which get so many eyeballs that Nike gave him a round-the-world ticket and Mercedes Benz handed him a car – both accompanied by briefs to make a Casey Neistat film for them. The punk-rock, DIY ethos is pivotal to skateboarding. So your town doesn’t have a skate park? Use your surroundings! Casey explains it as embracing one’s limitations.

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Olympics with a lot of clean architecture that was perfect to skate. Skateboarding is a real interaction with a city space. The more interesting a spot or structure is, the more scope there is for a creative outcome.’ No other sport has such an impetus decorating its equipment. This is purely aesthetic and will not result in better performances. In fact, after several sessions the graphic will be an impressionistic blur of colour scratched away from contact with surfaces. It’s disposable and quickly destroyed, so why even bother? ‘It’s important because it may represent

exposed to art, and by their nature are more artistically inclined than, say, a guy who’s into weightlifting. Perhaps it’s got something to do with the part of the brain that allows a skater to turn a bench into more than just a seat that results in so much artistic output. Ultimately, it’s how both attract the social outcasts, getting them to isolate themselves and practise their craft obsessively until they’re at a point where they’ve found their own distinct style, and can perform at a level that they’re happy with, and channel their imagination into something tactile that expresses who they are.❀

IMAGES: MARC@TIMBERMILL, GETTY IMAGES

‘Skateboarding is a real interaction with a city space’

DC_RDX_210x210.pdf

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12:01

INTRODUCING THE

(-:

;-) Chisanga Mukuka asks some local celebs to use their erm, emogination

here have been emoji poems, an emoji translation of a 19th century novel, now known as Emoji Dick, and more recently Seinfeld emojis – for when you need to emote about a puffy-shirt moment. Do we really need any more? Of course we do, so we asked a few South African personalities to create a digital winky face form they think is missing from the local emojiscape, and tell us why. Then we had someone design them, and here they are. You’re welcome.

Heather Moore @skinnylaminx

Siv Ngesi @iamSivN

Jesse Kriel @JesseKriel15

Anne Hirsch @Anne_Hirsch

Skinny laMinx illustrator and designer

Actor and comedian

Blue Bulls and Baby Bok rugby player

Actress, comedian and writer

EMOJI: I-can’t-chat-I’m-driving-face

EMOJI: Smug, satisfied laugh

EMOJI: An authentically sarcastic face

EMOJI: Troll Reaction!

Please can we get an emoji behind the wheel of a car, wearing a self-righteous ‘I’m ignoring your messages ‘cos I’m driving’ look? It would do a world of good for our road-safety stats. I’d also use it in response to those, ‘You just won a million bucks! Reply immediately to claim your prize!’

For when you’re super-happy and amused, like in all those Pharrell ‘Happy’ videos. For example, if I had five wives and had just built a house in Nkandla with taxpayers’ money. I’m imagining the response now: ’Haaaaa! They think I will pay the Nkandla money back!’ *insert Siv’s emoji here*

I think everybody enjoys using a bit of sarcasm in some way or another, whether they’re making a joke, flirting or answering random questions. For instance if a hungover friend texted: ‘I’m never drinking alcohol ever again,’ you could reply: ‘I really believe you!’ *and then insert my emoji*

This is for reacting to trolls on the internet, specifically those commenting on news24 posts. Insert this emoticon in reply to BigBoy69, who opined something so bigoted or delusional such as, ‘The journalist is clearly a liberal fat feminist and I hope her lesbian lover chokes on her big words.’

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Haji Mohamed Dawjee @sage_of_absurd Deputy digital news editor at the Mail & Guardian

EMOJI: Black smiley face

EMOJIS: THEY DID THIS ILLUSTRATION & DESIGN

I don’t see many emojis of colour. So, perhaps, we could have a few black emojis, especially black women. I think in South Africa, this is especially necessary. And black emojis can’t be depicted in stereotypical ways; we just need more of what already exists but with a wider representation. Maps Maponyane @MapsMaponyane

Tumi Voster @TumiVoster

Model and TV presenter

Radio and TV presenter

EMOJI: Confusion

EMOJI: New hair, don’t care!

With all the acronyms and autocorrects these days, there are a lot of moments of confusion. So, instead of saying ‘Huh?’, ‘WTF?’ or ‘What do you mean?’, I think a confused face would be most appropriate. Oddly enough, something that simple isn’t easy to find among the current list of emojis.

A lot of women use this phrase when we get a new hairstyle. So when you post a picture of your new hairdo on social media, all you do is tag it with my emoji and be Queen Bey for a day.

To download the Obrigado emojis, go to our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/obrigadomag

Graham Jenneker @grahamjenneker Winner of Survivor South Africa: Champions

EMOJI: I’m too drunk to answer

Because sometimes you are just too drunk to type. This emoji should be way bigger than the rest, so you can spot it on your screen. Not that I would ever need to use my own emoticon, though... twenty-three

CONFESSIONS OF A Collaborative working, or co-working as it’s more commonly known, has exploded in popularity in recent years. Tudor Caradoc-Davies shares the good (networking and creative brainstorming) and the bad (fights about the air conditioning and five-hour conversations about SuperBru predictions). Oh, and if you’re thinking about signing up, he’ll introduce you to a few types you may find around the water cooler. twenty-four

o, you’ve become a solopreneur? Well done! The freedom to pick and choose what work you do, the clients you want, and the ability to ultimately control your own career and financial destiny are unbeatable. Throw in the freedom to dictate your own working hours and to take leave when you want (assuming you can afford it) without some pencilpushing company-admin dick counting the days, and chances are you will never look back. Welcome to the pack. The evolution of the new freelancer typically starts at home. To save on overheads, you ‘work’ from your kitchen in your pyjamas, checking the fridge for pickles you might have missed five minutes previously, and driving your other half (should you have one) or your cat (should you have one) insane. After a few months of this, in an effort to improve your

★ THE RELUCTANT ADMIN She found the space, she brokered the lease, she vetted you for the spare desk and, after avoiding you for weeks, eventually invited you to revel in the splendour of shared office space. Now the smiles have faded and Robyn carries the pained expression of a professional gimp. Life is one long unwelcome S&M admin session in which she’s trapped. All she wants to do is design cutlery/manage movie pets/play World of Warcraft, yet she finds herself chasing broke freelancers for rent, humming along to the Telkom helpline Pan pipes and doing line-speed checks for the obnoxious Artiste who is unhappy because she has important files to upload (read play on Pinterest). ★ THE ARTISTE ‘Hello dahling! What’s that...? No, I’m in early.’ (It’s 11am.) ‘Yes, I’m at the studio.’ Moët is a designer/photographer/curator of collective art nothingness. You’ve asked a few

appearance (ie appear less feral), you decide to take a desk in a shared office.The future is bright and peachy, like Monica Bellucci’s butt in a disco dress. After all, what’s not to like? A space with other like-minded souls, where together, but separately, you will create beautiful freelance things, do yoga and drink tea, and breathe fresh plant air from your pot plants and generally be rad like those clever-looking people in Apple adverts. Like those digs days, only cleaner, more professional, and with more computers and stuff. Right? Not quite. Just as you had no control over the halitosis of the lifer in the cubicle next to yours at Snore Inc., so too will a shared space of entrepreneurs come with its own human-relations challenges. Keep an eye out for these archetypes when it comes time to choosing shared office space.

times what it is she does, but her responses sound like wine-label poetry. The office she shares with you she calls her studio. Her easel and palette – a Macbook Air. Her muse – a blank space and Sun Ra. Her look – a Prince Valiant haircut, black shawl over black clothes, red lipstick and a habit of laughing through her nose. Her voice mimics Zooey Deschanel via Nataniël’s bored take on Checkers boerewors. ★ THE CONVERSATIONALIST Ant is a nice chap, really nice. In fact, you could be friends, but Ant never does any work. He’s always there for you when you want a coffee, even when you don’t want a coffee. In fact, he’s just always there, waiting for you to raise your head from your screen to catch your attention and ask you something. It could be anything – the weekend’s rugby, this new Nick Cave song or those delightful open-ended hypotheticals like, ‘Would you rather get Ebola for a day or the plague for a week?’ Blink and your day is over with very little done except a lot of airtime with Ant.

★ THE BIG-BUSINESS BOGFLY Fresh from quitting his marketing job at a big multinational, Warren has not yet learnt that big-office politics and tactics do not come into play in a shared space. Forming alliances over whose turn it is to buy the milk, insisting that his name is bigger on the office door because traditionally names starting with W get overlooked, name-dropping that he worked with Koos Bekker and boasting about the angel investors he has lined up for his Whatsapp-like app (‘but it’s not the same, oath bru’). All this falls on deaf ears. Literally. Everyone else has their headphones on to avoid the Conversationalist. ★ THE GHOST ‘No, Spike’s not here. I think he’s surfing. No, I’m not sure when he will be back. Try calling him.’ The problem with sharing space with a ghost is that, other than scaring the bejesus out of you with the occasional visit to the office or that trail of naartjie skins or nut shells to show he was ever there, his constant absence

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★ THE DON DRAPER This chap is a good-looking yet supposedly functional alcoholic – suave and constantly hammered. Your liver aches for him, but goddammit you can’t help but admire how, like an eternal 20-year-old, he manages to do it all again the next day, hangover be damned. The only change he brought to the office was a drinks trolley and the breath of an old man after a lifetime of whiskies and G&Ts. He calls women dolls, but somehow he gets away with it. What does he do? Something that involves flying business class and entertaining clients with escorts. Perhaps he launders money for the mob, or maybe he’s

THE OFFICE

Some spaces to check out. (Ricky Gervais not included.)

The Bureaux Location: The Woodstock Exchange, 66 Albert Road, Woodstock, Cape Town. Offers: Eight unique office spaces, lounge areas, shared meeting rooms and Wi-Fi. There are private suites for SMEs requiring lock-up offices with shared meeting and kitchen facilities. Cost: Choose between renting on a month-to-month or short-term basis, or taking a longer-term, fully serviced office suite with a three-month notice period. twenty-six

an evangelical preacher. Whatever the case, Don is mysteriously flush all the time, which makes him fun to leech off when the largesse spills over.

Curious colleagues aside, sharing office space is the way to go. It forces you to get dressed, leave the house and go to work. The separation of work and home is important. It draws a line between when you’re on the clock or not. Equally, the act of actually going to work is a big one, especially when you are suddenly your own boss and in charge of your own hours. Without that kind of structure or some form of discipline, you can easily find yourself asking for your old job back. An added bonus with shared office space is that the admin person tends to select people he or she wants in the office to complement the mix, and working with other solopreneurs is a surprisingly effective way to expand your

Perk: The art installations, exhibitions and collaborations taking place in the open space of the building. Visit: www.thebureaux.co.za Contact: beadle@thebureaux.co.za La Macchina Workspace Location: 1st Floor, 84 Shortmarket Street, Cape Town. Offers: A flexible open-plan setting for creatives and entrepreneurs located conveniently in the heart of the city. Also offers a private telephone room. Cost: R2 700 per desk, per month. Perk: A stiff bourbon after a long day on the ground floor. Visit: www.facebook.com/ lamacchinaworkspace

network and drum up jobs. For example, a typical shared office of web designers, writers, photographers, PR people or marketers all need each other at some stage in the game. The fact that you sit two desks away and seem to be competent makes it easier for someone to rope you in. Most importantly, though, sharing office space restores the best part about working for someone else – the interaction with real, living, breathing people that no Skype conference call can replace. Sure, you may all have different professions, but even that variety adds something to the mix when you take a moment to step away from the headphones and chat. Who knows, you might get fresh perspective on a work hurdle that’s had you stumped for a while. Maybe you won’t and, instead, will spend an afternoon chatting hypotheticals with The Conversationalist, but then you would have done that in your old office anyway, so don’t be too hard on yourself.❀

Contact: jolize@thehouseofmachines. com or 021 424 0946 The Common Room Location: 49, 6th Street, Parkhurst, Johannesburg. Offers: Desk space, Wi-Fi, coffee, boardroom facilities, networking opportunities, reception services, print and scanning facilities. Cost: Depends on how many days a month you’ll need, and how many people will be working from the space. Price plans start from a R50 hourly rate. Perk: If you sign up for a six- or 12-month contract, you get your last month free of charge. Visit: www.the-common-room.co.za Contact: hello@the-common-room.co.za or 076 752 2723

OPEN Collaborative Workspaces Location: 4th Floor, The Main Change Building, 20 Kruger Street, Johannesburg. Offers: Hot desks, dedicated spaces, meeting rooms, lounge, phones, high-speed internet, reception and a coffee bar. Cost: Too many options to mention. Packages start at R1 500 (excluding VAT) and day vouchers start from R225. Individuals and SMEs can tailor their packages. Cost for usage of facilities depends on your tier. Perks: A nine-hole putting green, and you’re in Maboneng. Enough said. Visit: www.theopen.co.za Contact: jessica@theopen.co.za or 010 900 2000

IMAGES: GETTY IMAGES, SUPPLIED

combined with the fact that people know he has office space with you, means that you will always be playing secretary. In time, you will have placards or cue cards glued to your desk, informing all who seek Spike that he passed away on his surfboard. But, it’s OK, ‘it’s how he would have wanted to go’.

All those horrible stats that people dredge up to justify plane tickets to Perth, they’re all true, right? Zanele Kumalo double-checks with the folks who make fact-checking their business.

e’ve all been to that dinner party at the end of a harrowing work week where the only thing that just about anyone has the energy to talk about is how badly they need a holiday. Or raise a glass to any good news that may have come up since the last time everyone met. Of course, there will always be that one guest, and there’s always one, who will insist on spitting out what a state the country is in, propping up her theory with as many bad stories as she can recall at the end of a bottle. As the cheer fizzles, the ‘know-it-all’ gains momentum. Ruining any

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good spirits gained from numerous toasts, ‘know-it-all’ throws in her favourite factoids, which always include a bit of booze splashed with crime and a good dose of wet blanket. A suggestion about joining a small group of female friends for the First Thursdays art walks that take place once a month in Cape Town and last late into the evening might elicit ’Seriously, what are you thinking? Don’t you know South Africa is the rape capital of the world?’ A debate on the benefits of social welfare might be derailed with ‘In South Africa, indigent women binge drink to deliberately harm their unborn babies in order to collect disability benefits’. And heaven forbid someone mentions an upcoming trip to Lagos, as pessimistic Polly will counter with ‘Oh, Africa, the drunk continent; people drink more here than anywhere else in the world,’ leaving everyone at the table furtively accessing Uber on their phones.

Most of us have read, overheard or even repeated similar misconceptions about life on the African continent. In fact, too many of the headlines and facts we absorb and take as the truth are pure fiction. But no-one seems to keep them in check. Until now. The first of its kind on the continent, Africa Check is loosely modelled on PolitiFact in the US and Full Fact in the UK, two of the world’s most prominent fact-checking websites. Africa Check’s sole purpose is to sort fact from fiction by running a fine-tooth comb through our Sunday papers, politicians’ sweeping statements, questionable surveys, conspiracy theories, quack cures and false promises. They’ll take any story a reader might submit to them and investigate it, question each given fact and verify research, then publish their findings on their website. For instance, last year, the Sowetan published an incorrect statistic that made international headlines. The paper reported that the percentage of schoolgirls in this country infected with HIV was 28; Africa Check then discovered that its prevalence was, in fact, 12.7 percent. ‘Facts are often manipulated, spun, misrepresented, twisted and invented – particularly in politics – to push a particular

agenda or prove a particular point,’ says journalist, author, and editor of Africa Check, Julian Rademeyer. With political cynicism and mistrust of public figures and institutions growing, Rademeyer feels fact-checking websites hold those in power accountable by checking claims made and details that get lost in media reports and news cycles. Backed by organisations and companies such as Google, the Open Society Foundation and African News Innovation Challenge, the non-profit site was established in late 2012 by the Agence France Presse Foundation (the non-profit arm of the AFP news agency) and the Wits Journalism Department. The brainchild of Peter Cunliffe-Jones, who spent years reporting from Nigeria for AFP and is now Africa Check’s director, the site has been run full-time since April 2013 by Rademeyer, one deputy editor, two researchers and a pool of freelance writers. The number of unique visitors at the time was between 15 000 and 20 000. It now stands at 60 000 and is still rising. Fact-checking websites have risen in popularity and spurred an international

movement that Rademeyer feels is especially critical as traditional news media (where reporters, news editors, subeditors and proofreaders were responsible for getting the facts straight) continues to suffer financial cutbacks, which snowball into smaller newsrooms with less experienced staff and little time to check claims and details. Syndicated for free to many other news websites and papers, such as Daily Maverick, Mail and Guardian and news24, it has also been profiled and welcomed by heavyweight publications like The New York Times and The Economist. Their watchdog role isn’t always met with enthusiasm. Also the author of Killing For Profit: Exposing the Illegal Rhino Horn Trade, Rademeyer says he’s received crude threats against a researcher and columnist for a story he dismantled about genocide in South Africa. Of trying to tell any story, he says, ‘People don’t often respond well to reporters nosing around. I was threatened at times during the investigations I did for the book. Rarely does anything come of them and it’s usually people trying to harass and intimidate.’

Johannesburg is the largest man-made forest in the world.

Johannesburg may not be the largest man-made forest in the world, it is the largest man-made urban forest (which includes small woods, parks, gardens and individual trees) in the world. twenty-nine

However, things can get a little scary. Last year, Rademeyer had to be accompanied by bodyguards for a while, after police were tipped off that someone he’d investigated in connection with drugs and weapons smuggling had hired two men to kill him. But beyond those hairy moments and serious investigations, Africa Check also reviews crude generalisations and urban myths, busting claims such as eggplant being a cure for colon cancer and mole soup an effective cough remedy – both fabrications. Another more contentious claim about Johannesburg being the largest man-made forest in the world put even Africa Check through its paces. Katlego Disemelo, a researcher for the site, disproved the oft-repeated boast, stating there were no credible rankings to measure such forest sizes and, since the trees in the city didn’t

The exact cause of colon cancer is not known, with quitting smoking, drinking less and getting regular exercise featuring prominently in the advice for preventing colon cancer.

technically constitute a forest, Johannesburg could only claim to call itself ‘one of the most wooded cities in the world’. Not satisfied with the outcome, Johannesburg-based writer and freelance researcher for Africa Check Nechama Brodie decided to check the fact-checkers themselves. She found that while the city may not be the largest manmade forest in the world, it is the largest man-made urban forest (which includes small woods, parks, gardens and individual trees) in the world. Rademeyer hopes that the site will lead individuals to question more frequently what they read, hear and believe and to encourage good journalism. As we all become reporters in a digital era, sharing what we read and hear on social media platforms, it becomes even more important to investigate what we believe to be the truth. The next time your dinner party ‘know-it-all’ begins her spin cycle, simply ask her to tell you how she knows what she’s saying is fact. ❀

‘The movie Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom sustained 12 000 jobs over two years’.

FALSE. ‘South Africa is at the bottom of the class in maths and science.’ FALSE. According to Africa Check, ‘a report published by the World Economic Forum (WEF) has ranked the quality of South Africa’s maths and science education last out of 148 countries. It states that no standardised testing was done to assess the quality of the two subjects in the countries surveyed and the ranking was taken from an annual ‘Executive Opinion Survey’ by the WEF, drawing on interviews by unidentified business leaders. Their conclusion was that our school system may be in trouble but the rankings are inaccurate. thirty

The National Empowerment Fund’s claim was found to be misleading. It was revealed that the $35-million film created employment for 11 000 extras, paid below R500 for only two days of filming and that most of the other jobs were also temporary.

IMAGES: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

Eggplant is a cure for colon cancer

DANIELLE VAN DUYN STUDENT What’s the most fun or bonkers fact you know about South Africa? That apparently we have the most beautiful women! Tell us a funny story about your pet. My cat climbs into the bath with me! If you had to wear a T-shirt with only one word on it for the rest of your life, which word would you choose? ‘Caterpillars’ – as I must endure their presence if I wish to be acquainted with butterflies. Favourite emoji? The ‘hands-over-eyes monkey’ – it is just too cute. The best thing about spring is? Flowers.

MONOPHA LOTHA SALES ASSISTANT Tell us a funny story about your pet. I had a dog whose name was Khanyi (‘Shine’). But she was so lazy, she ate while she was sitting down or lying on the floor. If you had to wear a T-shirt with only one word on it for the rest of your life, which word would you choose? ‘Love’ – because I think that’s what the world needs. Favourite emoji? The ‘happy, smiley’ emoji – without happiness, we have nothing.

PREGO KASEKE BARISTA If you had to wear a T-shirt with one only word on it for the rest of your life, which word would you choose? ‘Black’ – ‘cause I’m black! If you had a ‘theme song’ that played whenever you walked into a room full of people, what would it be? ‘The Storm Is Over Now’ by R. Kelly. The best thing about spring is? Going to the beach and wearing my spring T-shirt.

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MARTIN BRINK ENTREPRENEUR Tell us a funny story about your pet. As a kid, we had a bull mastiff. We used to ride on his back (like a horse) and race each other around the house. If you had to wear a T-shirt with only one word on it for the rest of your life, which word would you choose? ‘Freedom’ – all people should enjoy it. Freedom of choice, religion, anything really… Favourite emoji? The one winking and grinning. Life is full of subtlety, so don’t be so serious! If you had a ‘theme song’ that played whenever you walked into a room full of people, what would it be? ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ by U2. I’m always looking to enhance my being. The best thing about spring is? The start of any season – it’s wonderful!

GILL BLOOM IT GUY What’s the most fun or bonkers fact you know about South Africa? Someone once told me Cape Town is like a beautiful blonde, with no brains. Tell us a funny story about your pet. I once had a dog called Figo who was obsessed with dolls. If you had to wear a T-shirt with only one word on it for the rest of your life, which word would you choose? ‘Messiah’ – so that when he finally comes, he’ll know which team I’m on. Favourite emoji? The ‘thumbs-up’. It’s the first one on my keyboard. If you had a ‘theme song’ that played whenever you walked into a room full of people, what would it be? ‘Gonna Fly Now’, which is the theme from Rocky. For those days when you know you can do the impossible.

AMERIGO GAZAWAY YASIIN GAYE: THE RETURN The producer/DJ hit global attention with his Fela Soul mash-up of tunes by the diverse legends that are Fela Kuti and De La Soul. Then came Yasiin Gaye: The Departure, mashing Marvin Gaye and Mos Def (aka Yasiin Bey). In 1975, Marvin Gaye shaved his head to protest the imprisonment of Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter (an American boxer wrongfully convicted of murder twice, and later freed via a petition after spending almost 20 years in prison); Mos Def recently protested the morally suspect Guantanamo Bay detentions. The Return will be the sound of conscious summer; revisioning Motown for new ears. Get it. thirty-four

ARIANA GRANDE MY EVERYTHING Two albums debuting at No 1 in a year – not bad for a 21-year-old former teen-TV star who also had to weather a paparazzi storm of leaked fake nudes. Were they real? Does it matter? My Everything spews hits, like the collaborations with Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj, and newcomers Jessie J and Zedd. Unlike Miley Cyrus, Ariana transitioned from television to award-earning singer without needing scanty clothes, or by pulling faces. Her four-octave vocal range draws comparisons with Whitney and Mariah, but it’s the inspiration from Imogen Heap, Indie.Arie and Gloria Estefan that make her pop a necessary part of your spring.

BEATENBERG THE HANGING GARDENS OF BEATENBERG DJ Clock’s remix of Beatenberg’s ‘Pluto (Remember You)’ became the most played song on South African radio. Now, the trio has released a full-length debut. Vocalist/guitarist Matthew Field, bassist Ross Dorkin and drummer Robin Brink present 13 tracks of upbeat, fresh-faced pop driven by jive-guitar, synth licks borrowed from South Africa’s ’90s and deft touches such as an angelic vocal chorus here, or a swathe of strings there. Like Paul Simon’s appropriation of African sounds to revitalise folk music on Graceland, this is immediately catchy, and guaranteed summer-fresh.

FUTURE SOUND OF MZANSI Not Spoek Mathambo’s album from 2012, but his documentary of the same name. This glimpse into South Africa’s electronic music scene – the studios, clubs and spaza incubators – is a documentary, but treat it like a primer of names to watch this season: DJs Spoko and Majuva, Okmalumkoolkat, John Wizards, DJ Maramza, Jumping Back Slash, Big Fkn Gun and Christian Tiger School, as well as the grandmasters of Afrohouse, Black Coffee and Culoe de Song, and Shangaan disco re-inventor, Nozinja. See it, but also keep your browser tuned for web-only mix tapes also under the same name. Put in the effort, and hear the songs before they’re hits.❀

IMAGES: SHUTTERSTOCK, SUPPLIED

he teaser video for Amerigo Gazaway’s inspired mashingtogether of the songs of Marvin Gaye and Mos Def shows pedestrians in a city. They’re wearing face masks to prevent infection. We see Def breaking down at a human rights press conference; and Gaye using boxing to rebuild a body ravaged by excesses, partly brought on by the march of time and the advent of new technologies that eclipsed the career he’d built. There are allusions to questionable presidencies and corrupt officials. The world in 2014 is a turbulent place but… turns out it’s always been turbulent. Music, art and culture reflect this; entertainment is an escape from it. Winter’s over. Spring has sprung. It’s time for all the joys under the sun, wrapped into one. It’s time for open ears and new sounds – some relaxed, some upbeat – and, hopefully, an impetus towards not just Ariana Grande’s everything, but all our collective everythings. It’s the return of Motown soul, recast for a modern ear; it’s a burgeoning moment for new beats; it’s a recognition of past struggles, but with eyes toward the future. Mostly, though, it’s a celebration of an indomitable human spirit that’s always creating, always reaching higher, always striving for something more. By Evan Milton

ALOE BLACC

ANGUS & JULIA STONE

BEN HOWARD

BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB

HOZIER

KIESZA

MAROON 5

SAM SMITH

TAYLOR SWIFT

Available on

iTunes

Tell me why I’m on Twitter? I mean it, please explain it to me. The only possible advantage I can see to being on Twitter is that when some celebrity dies – assuming they’re actually dead this time and it’s not just another fresh outbreak of communal wishful thinking involving Justin Bieber – I get to know about it slightly sooner than my friends who aren’t on Twitter. Hoorah! I can rush off to Facebook and be the first person among my friends to post ‘RIP William H. Macy’! Look – I’m sensitive, I care that someone’s dead! Look – I know who William H. Macy is! Look how cool I am that I know this thing that doesn’t affect me before you know this thing that doesn’t affect you! In fact, you learnt the news from me, and that means I’m part of the story! I’m important! I have rubbed off some of dead William H. Macy’s cool for myself! LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME! Maybe I’m being unreasonable. Twitter has other uses too. It’s excellent for those occasions when you feel like getting into a fight with total strangers over something they feel passionately about for

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reasons you don’t understand and which may or may not involve the fact that they spend too much time in front of their screens, but which are nevertheless none of your business. There are a number of options available to you in this scenario. You can either play the role of the dick: ‘Hey, chill out, and learn to take a joke!’ Or you can take the part of the righteously outraged: ‘Hey, you guys, this person made a joke about a dolphin. A dolphin, you guys! GET HIM!’ Twitter’s a place where schoolyard bullies go to carry on with their bullying now that they don’t have a schoolyard any more, and where their former victims go to discover for themselves the joys of forming a mob, shearing someone from the herd and piling on. It’s true that Twitter’s also a place for pockets of kindness, where gentle souls drift through posting photos of the clouds over Lion’s Head and congratulating others for their successes and dropping each other supportive messages using punctuation marks as faces and saying things like ‘Sorry you had a bad day *sending hugs*’.

I know that the world is better for those people, and that just makes me feel worse for finding them so damn irritating and wanting to yell, ‘It’s not a hug, it’s a word on a screen! Hugs are nonverbal expressions; you are currently working in a verbal medium!’

Twitter is a thief of time and a sower of dread and demotivation. Everyone on it is either selfrighteously awful or so much cooler and wittier than you that it’s like the first day of high school all over again. Every joke you can think of has already been taken and someone is already making snarky comments about the people who are so lame as to still be making them. But that’s not why I’m down on Twitter today. It’s because, this morning, I finally got it together to cobble up a snappy tweet. I crafted it, I wrote it down. ‘This is it!’ I thought. ‘This is the one! People will read it and laugh and retweet and I’ll belong. I’ll have my gang! I’ll find my tribe!’ And I sent it out and there was a great, empty, swirling, sucking sound and it fell like Luke Skywalker’s hand into the bottomless void. It’s cold out there when no one retweets. The hell with you guys.❀ Darrel Bristow-Bovey once picked a fight with himself on Twitter and still doesn’t know who came off best. Follow him at @dbbovey. He’s a travel writer and a screenwriter and his latest book, One Midlife Crisis and a Speedo, is heartbreaking and hilarious and will be published in November.

IIMAGE: THERESA MARTINEZ / SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

Some 2 512 tweets later, Darrel Bristow-Bovey still has his doubts about the Twittersphere.