Obrigado 35 Winter 2014 by The Publishing Partnership

complimentary copy / issue 35 / winter 2014

my life, my coffee

DC_Crisis_High_210x420.pdf

CMY

THE CRISIS HIGH WWW.DCSHOES.CO.ZA

12/06/2014

16:32

But if the hatches won’t hold, consider this issue of Obrigado as your personal multi-tool for getting through winter without being bored. 04 my life

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT OUR COVER DESIGNER, ALEX LATIMER – AUTHOR, ILLUSTRATOR AND FIRST-CLASS CITIZEN OF FISH HOEK

08 take it onboard 11 the big chill 14 crowdfunding 18 understanding cyclists

What do you wish you had known about being an artist before you got started? I think I’m still looking for that thing. The whole world of illustration and 26 a girl walks into a coffee shop art continues to be a mystery to me. I’m still amazed that people pay me to draw pictures, but I try not to show it. 31 the inside track Do strange things or strange thoughts inspire a piece 33 oppikoppi – the odyssey of work? I like to have a humorous element in all of my work, 34 vox pops so if an idea is weird or funny enough, I have to put it down on paper. What do you doodle when you are daydreaming? 36 commentary box Birds and people’s profiles. And elephants. Asterix or Obelix? Asterix. I always felt that he didn’t really need the magic potion. Tight deadline or oodles of time? Oodles of time opens up the possibility of procrastination and then I’m always worrying that I should be doing work instead of fixing a fence or straightening a picture. A rock or a hard place? A sun-warmed rock with a view of the sea. And a cushion and a beverage. Novels or picture books? I like the change from one to the other; it usually gives me a break and I can go back with a fresh perspective. But if everything’s going well, novels for sure. Your adult-fiction novel has future movie written all over it. Given any thought to your dream cast? No, not at all really. My dream cast would be anyone willing to be in the movie. Even Nicolas Cage. What was the oddest piece of info you discovered while researching your novel, The Space Race? The Vela Incident. In 1979 a US satellite picked up a double flash of light from the sea just off South Africa’s Prince Edward Islands. Speculators suggest that it was a nuclear weapons test. Whether or not it was, it’s a fascinating idea.Tell us how the battle of the cyclists (on this issue’s front cover) ends? It ends when an SUV enters the scene. Behind the wheel is a driver who’s texting. No-one survives. A word of advice for aspiring illustrators… Find your style. Being able to work in a variety of styles is great for practice, but if you’re trying to make a living, it makes your work forgettable and unrecognisable as a brand. Focus on one style that you like and build a portfolio around it. The Space Race (Umuzi Press) is available at all good book stores and on Amazon.

22 a grain of sense

editorial director susan newham-blake | editor delené van der lugt: dvdlugt@tppsa.co.za | designer ryan manning | copy editor wendy maritz advertising enquiries bronwyn mccafferty: bmccafferty@tppsa.co.za, 082 770 0463; grant van willingh: gwillingh@tppsa.co.za, +27 (0)21 488 5959 traffic manager janice mclean | vida e caffè grant, lloyd, papa, paul and andrea www.vidaecaffe.com Find us online:

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@ObrigadoMag

Find vida online:

www.facebook.com/vida

The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd. Executive Directors: Mark Beare and John Morkel. Advertising enquiries: Bronwyn McCafferty(bmccafferty@tppsa.co.za or 082 770 0463); Grant van Willingh (gwillingh@tppsa.co.za or 021 488 5959). Editorial address: PO Box 15054, Vlaeberg 8018, +27 (0)21 424 3517, www.tppsa.co.za. Copyright: The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd 2014. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without prior permission of the editor. The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of vida e caffè, the editorial director, the publisher or the agents. Although every reasonable effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, the information published is for information purposes only and cannot be relied on as the opinion of an expert. vida e caffè, the publisher or the editor cannot be held responsible for any omission or errors or any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom.

@vidaecaffe

HI, HOWDY, AND HOLA BENECO We love a little indie-ambient with our lattes. So we played fill-in-the-blanks with one of the Joburg-based foursome, who make up Bye Beneco, an oddly-monikered band who’ve just released their debut album Space Elephant. Hi, my name is Bergen Nielson. I make my living by being an art director by day and playing drums and guitar by night. But, secretly, I’d rather be playing guitar full-time. The rest of the band is Lenny-Dee Doucha (lead vocals, KORG, percussion, guitar), Jenny Dison (vocals, xylophone, KORG) and Matthew Watson (guitar, drums). A passer-by would describe our sound as something they may not have heard before. We’re inspired by each other in a sense, because we all have different musical tastes that infiltrate the music to unify and bring together the sound that is Bye Beneco. My favourite memory involving the band is eating Ethiopian food in between recording our album. We work well together because we are all long-time friends and have a passion for music in common. Our on-stage vibe differs with each performance. Sometimes we just get up there, play our set and leave. Sometimes we interact with the crowd and get a little dirty. It really depends on how we are feeling on the day, but it’s safe to say that we are all a little awkward, which comes out in any kind of performance. When not on stage, you’ll find us in Matthew’s lounge playing with old material or writing new material. Or skateboarding, or at home watching series. Our ultimate dream is to play to as many fans as possible and to start touring internationally. The most ridiculous bit of trivia I know is that the lifespan of a human hair is three to seven years.

THE TOAST OF SAN FRANCISCO From cupcakes to cronuts, nothing tickles a foodie’s fancy quite like an artisanal food trend. The latest is toast – sort of like the cinnamon bread you ate as a kid – but this costs R40 a slice. According to writer John Gravois, who traced the roots of the toast trend, the craze began at a coffee shop, called Trouble, in San Francisco. The owner serves up a limited and slightly bonkers menu of coffee, coconuts and toast in her now trendy café. Clearly the news that breads and cereals are to be avoided at all costs hasn’t reached erm, Trouble(d) ears and Tim Noakes is probably turning on his treadmill as we type. Is it all about simply eating the best toast of your life, following a fad, or is it a fetishization of food? According to David Sax, author of Save the Deli, the most successful food trends reflect what’s going on in society at any given time. The cupcake craze was apparently all about revisiting childhood comforts after the trauma of 9/11, and fondue was huge in the ’60s because Americans aspired to cosmopolitanism. We haven’t manage to track down any locals offering posh grilled toast on the menu yet, so for now, you’ll just have to do a spot of TYO (toast your own) and, whatever you do, don’t put beans on it! four

NEW FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD Look out for some completely delish new food items on the menu at vida stores nationwide. Try the t(oat)ally tasty oats, some banting good salads, souperb soups and some exciting new snacks.

IT’S A DATE Not everyone is a Walt Whitman or a Wally Serote, but don’t let that stop you! To celebrate Bad Poetry Day on 18 August, we encourage you to put pen to paper and write some truly terrible verse. Feel free to torture friends, family and colleagues with the results. And don’t forget to raise your mugs on 29 September for International Coffee Day. Grab a vida, inhale its delicious aroma, taste the light yet full-bodied flavour, lick out the cup if you must but, most of all, just enjoy.

IMAGES: SUPPLIED, BYE BENECO IMAGE: COURTESY OF THE FAMOUS FROUWS

Space Elephant is available on iTunes and at Musica and Look&Listen.

TOP HATS! It’s impossible to say exactly when the first animal skin was pulled over someone’s head – probably a Neanderthal named Urg the Delicate before the approaching Ice Age. But hats have come on a bit since then, and if you’re looking for the kind sported by Johnny Depp or Jimmy Dludlu, look no further then Joburg-based milliners Simon and Mary. Hi, my name is Dean Pozniak and I am the brand manager at Simon and Mary. How did you get into the business? My family has been in the hat business since the ’30s; it was always going to be a natural transition for me. If you aren’t Simon or Mary, who the hell is? My beloved grandparents. A hat is… More of a fashion item in today’s times; in previous decades a hat used to represent the class of the wearer. The most iconic hat of all time is? Indiana Jones’s fedora. Who would you most like to make hats for? Willy Wonka! Your top skill outside the workplace is? I give really powerful hugs. What is your proudest achievement? Being invited to attend the Bread & Butter trade show in Berlin. Your favourite song about a hat is? Bob Dylan’s ‘Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat’. Where can we find your hats and work? www.simonandmary.co.za

vida mobile van The vida brand is now officially mobile and on the road serving coffee to you, wherever you are. So look out for the latest extension of the vida brand at a venue near you. The new vida van also offers a niche mobile coffee service to private, corporate and hospitality events. For more information, please contact Jovan Bowels at vidavan@caffe.co.za.

Terms and conditions: 1. The giveaway is open to all Obrigado readers and closes on 1 September 2014. 2. The winner will be selected by random draw and informed telephonically. 3. The prize may differ from the image. 4. The prize cannot be exchanged for cash. 5. By entering this competition, entrants agree to abide by the rules and conditions of the competition. 6. The judges’ decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

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WIN!

IMAGES: SUPPLIED

WIN! A MUSICAL CURE The best course of treatment for winter blues is not an apple or an antibiotic, it’s an Elbow or a Beck – and both have new albums out. So, if some soothing tunes on vinyl in the form of Beck’s Morning Phase or Elbow’s The Take Off and Landing of Everything will revive your will to make it through a working week, we’ll write you a prescription for a dose of both. Simply SMS Obrigado Universal, your name, daytime telephone number and address to 33282 by 1 September 2014.

PEBBLE TO THE METAL Watch where you’re going with Pebble’s new Steel, a subtly stylised piece of wrist wear with space for all kinds of travel apps. Merc lovers, for instance, can revel in stats such as mileage and tyre pressure. There are a limited number available at getpebble.com for $249 (roughly R2 600), so don’t miss out. Being a jet-setter doesn’t come without some turbulence. These gadgets will smooth out the bumps. By Danica Potgieter FAMILY PHOTO OP Where are you in the family photos? Behind the camera. Always. Canon PowerShot N100 solves your problem with Story Camera and Dual Capture mode. Taking a front and rear snapshot simultaneously, it adds your face to your main image. You won’t feel left out again, unless you don’t crack an invite to your brother’s bachelor’s. The PowerShot costs $349.99 (about R3 720) from www.usa.canon.com.

#AWESOMEGAMING Armchair travellers can boldly go where no split infinitive has taken them before with a new gaming console, the Oculus Rift. It looks like a diving mask, but will transport you into the world of your game. Virtual reality will cost you $350 (roughly R3 720) for the Development Kit 2, but it makes other games look 2-D – which they are. Check out oculusvr.com.

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FILTER OUT THE NOISE World, shut your mouth! And that goes for the squirming toddler in row 24 as well. Whether you’re on a train or a plane, Able Planet’s Linx® Fusion Noise-Cancelling headphones will allow you to relax and listen to music or watch movies without distraction. Motion technology distributes the sound through to the inner ear by means of bone conduction and controlled contact with your skin and ear. Spooky, but the sound is crisp and stimulates the senses. Get a pair at ableplanet.com for $349.99 (about R3 720).

IMAGES: SUPPLIED

FEELING NOSTALGIC? Selfies and naughty pics are way older than digital. Back when TVs had speckles and music crackled on vinyl, the Polaroid was the thing to use to snap those self-indulgent – or revealing – shots, and it saved you a lot of embarrassment at the one-hour development counter. Now it’s back as the Polaroid Socialmatic but with modern twists, such as a 4.5-inch LCD touch screen, built-in Wi-Fi and a Zero Ink® printer, which magically uses heat from the device to activate molecules in the paper. How Hogwarts is that? It will make its USA debut later this year, so keep an eye on polaroid.com/socialmatic for updates.

Bundle up in style with winter warmers so cool, ice blocks are jealous. Clockwise from top right: Yellow coat, R1 150, OhOneOne; Pullover hoody, R479,95, Roxy; Red suede jacket, R10 499, Diesel; Corinne jacket, R2 800, and wide leather belt, R1 000, Alexandra Hojer Atelier; K-Way Women’s Atlas 3-in-1 jacket, R1 899, Cape Union Mart

Photos: André Wepener/Pixel Lounge Stills stylist: Siri Hills

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Clockwise from top: Zip-up, R699,95, Quiksilver; Fleece jacket, R750, DC Shoes; Mid-length jacket, R4 099, Scotch & Soda; Tie-dye blazer, R4 299, BWGH for PUMA; Hawaiian Sunset Jacket, R1 899, Ben Sherman

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STOCKISTS Alexandra Hojer Atelier:

021 422 4149; Ben Sherman: 011 784 1019 and 021 425 8996; Cape Union Mart: 08600 3400; DC Shoes: 031 313 1400; Diesel: 011 630 4000; PUMA: 021 551 0832; Quiksilver: 031 313 1422; Roxy: 031 313 1486; Scotch & Soda: 011 784 3233; OhOneOne: www.ohoneone.co.za

adidas/kirmack/2073/e/O ÂŠ 2014 adidas AG. adidas, the Globe logo and the 3-Stripes mark are registered trademarks of the adidas Group.

ZX FLUX - R999

For more information please contact Side Step 011 474 2245 | www.side-step.co.za

ZX FLUX WEAVE - R999

THE HIGHS

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AND LOWS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN Crowdfunding, a mainly Internet-based fundraising platform where anyone can chip in to help collectively fund someone’s dream project, sometimes has surprising results, Mandy J Watson discovers. hen I was a kid, my peers and I were routinely roped in to the analogue form of crowdfunding, which usually involved cornering friends, family, neighbours and, occasionally, supermarket shoppers, to raise money for a cause. The backers got a raffle ticket for a cake or a shopping voucher. Campaigners like me got to plumb the depths of what teenagers fear most: embarrassment. Thank heavens for crowdfunding, digital style. You can sneak in through the backdoor of territorial sites such as Kickstarter or use the front entrance with Indiegogo and local versions such as Thundafund. Either way, you can reach more backers without showing your face or avatar. And if you fail, you just end up at the bottom of a long list. On a crowdfunding site, you can start a campaign with a funding goal and run it from the comfort (or safety) of anywhere. Backers from all over the world can chip in, often in return for a reward, such as a copy of the product – film, album, book, a new gadget – or a credit in its production.

he big year for crowdfunding 2.0 was 2010 when American production designer Scott Wilson launched a campaign for money to produce kits that would make the iPod nano wearable as a watch. He received nearly $1 million, setting a record at the

time. He was then able to start Lunatik, which produces cool accessories for Apple devices. This was the kind of success story that made people take notice. Scott lit the fuse and crowdfunding went boom. Since then amazing things have happened. Two funded films won Oscars, careers were launched and gadget geeks got a chance to prove big business wrong. The biggest amount pledged so far is $12,8 million by Canonical, one of Mark Shuttleworth’s companies, for a Linux phone called the Ubuntu Edge. Ironically the record amount wasn’t enough – the developers needed $32 million. So instead, consumers got ‘a voice’, and to ‘push for more innovation and transparency in the mobile industry’. Noble, but 27 000 backers would probably have preferred a cool phone. The biggest outright winner yet is the game

Star Citizen. The first campaign was born on a blog in 2012 and a second was run on Kickstarter at the same time, netting $2,5 million. Then the developers took the campaign to their website where, two years later, it’s still going and $44 million strong. The backers are investing in their gaming future – there are playable modules to keep them happy but the game hasn’t been finished yet. There have been local success stories as well. Backers have financed money for social projects, new music, books and computer games, such as sci-fi horror adventure Stasis, which earned more than $130 000 on Kickstarter. Professor Tim Noakes added local flavour to the funded British documentary Cereal Killers. He supervised Donal O’Neill, who experimented with a food plan (100 000 calories, high fat, 28 days) to hack his heartdisease-prone genes. fifteen

or every noble development drive or conservation campaign there’s something weird or whimsical. You decided how to tag Nå (it’s Norwegian) with their ‘creative writing utensils’. It’s a square sketchbook and pen that cost $59 (before shipping). The pen is a fairly fancy model with more than one tip, but

or a group of fans nicknamed the ‘marsmallows’, it must have been hard to take the disappointment when their pet crowdfunding project turned out to be nothing more than a lump of gelatine and sugar. These are the people who never got over the abrupt cancellation of Veronica Mars, the TV cult hit about a small-town girl helping her PI dad. It’s not that they were left with an unsolved crime. But 92 000 viewers

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after seeing what it looks like. It consists of a giant clip you attach to your cap and another giant clip that holds your phone at a distance from your face, so you can watch movies on your tiny screen while eating your lunch on a park bench – until the laughter of passers-by becomes too distracting. Less technologically evolved is the ‘The Mobile Coaster!’, a cup holder that looks like it was forged in an IKEA workshop inside the mines of Moria, and the ‘House Rake’. It combines a rake and giant dust pan that you use to deal with the toy explosion in the sitting room. It can also be used to ‘clear a path on the floor’ during nocturnal emergencies – perhaps when you’re trying to escape because your Quitbit set the house on fire.

couldn’t bear not knowing which guy Veronica ended up with. So they paid for a movie that would bring them closure. The campaign on Kickstarter promised them a happy ending in return for money, of course, but included rewards such as a PDF copy of the script or a voicemail message recorded by the star of the show, Kristen Bell (a steal at only $500). Backers opting for ‘a digital version of the movie’ thought they were getting a highdefinition DRM-free copy. But when the film was released, Warner Bros sent instructions for some sort of low-res streaming version that required an app and a mobile device among other obstacles. The softies stood up for themselves, demanded refunds and got them. Just in case you think only big corporations need to learn some manners, US artist John Campbell raised 650 percent more than he had asked for to print a second compilation of his web comic Pictures For Sad Children. After shipping three quarters of the rewards, he decided to stop and not to refund anyone. He announced via a 4 400-word manifesto

(or meltdown), entitled ‘Affluent People: Please Defend Your Desire For Affluence And Participation In Capitalism’, that each time he got a message about the book, he would burn a remaining copy. Half the fans thought he was being awfully artsy and had ‘delivered an experience’. The other half were furious – one former fan called him a ‘precious art-school petal’. A community sprang up to pass around or resell second-hand books and a PDF scan was made available, but a bunch of backers were burnt as their copies went up in flames. There’s a lesson in there for backers – there are no guarantees and you’re not just making a monetary investment, you’re making an emotional one. I’ve received some amazing books, films, music and games, and had email conversations with interesting people, but some projects have been duds. The disasters are not enough to dissuade me – a new project comes along and I get excited all over again, and when that backer reward arrives in the mail or my inbox, it’s like Christmas.

ILLUSTRATIONS: THEY DID THIS ILLUSTRATION & DESIGN

the sketchbook’s biggest hipster innovation is a neck strap, so you can carry it around like a camera on your travels. Quitbit is a device that talks to a phone app and tracks your smoking habits to help you quit. It also has a heating element that you can use to light your cigarettes, which seems a bit counterproductive. Expect to see over 600 people not quitting in parking lots and alleys near you soon. Another informative utensil is the BluFit water bottle ($59 before shipping) that tells an app how much water you still have to drink from it to meet your daily quota. Slightly more odd is the clumsily named ‘Poor Man’s Virtual Reality Headset/Multipurpose Phone Holder’. Amazingly, 15 people backed it

The Insider’s Guide to

Loathe them or love them, South Africa is full of them – no, not cockroaches, cyclists. Kevin McCallum, no stranger to the world of the saddle-sore, explains that in the end it is mostly about the bike and a bit about fishing…

erhaps the wisest piece of advice when it comes to cycling came from Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu: ‘Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to cycle and he will realise fishing is stupid and boring.’ There are cyclists who are fascinating, windswept and groovy. There are also those who are stupid and boring. They may all look the same to the outsider, but they’re not one whole happy tribe. If you’re new to cycling, if you want to become a cyclist, or even if you just want to know what sort of cyclist you are dealing with at a bar, café or dinner party, then here are some of the characters who have decided fishing is, indeed, stupid and boring.

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ROAD WARRIORS In the beginning was the road bike. Then riding on the road became racing on the road, which begot lycra and helmets. The bikes are light, and so are the wallets after paying for them. The wheels are skinny and, mostly, so are the riders. The handlebars are curved, as is the preferred position of the riders: hunched down low in an aerodynamic tuck. Their hard-soled riding shoes with cleats make it difficult to walk, so they often resemble young girls walking in high heels for the first time. The alpha road warriors have electronic gear-shifting on their bikes, and their names in stickers on the top tube. They desperately want to look like professional cyclists.

★ Most likely to: Use foreign words when English ones would do – Maillot jaune for the yellow jersey worn at the Tour de France, Vuelta a España instead of Tour of Spain, and bidon when referring to their water bottles. ★ Must-have item: A bike with so much carbon in it, its footprint has Greenpeace worried. ★ Reason why non-cyclists would not like them: They look down on fat people. ★ Must-do event: The Cape Rouleur, a four-stage race that covers 600km and includes 6 000m of climbing in four days (1-5 March 2015). It’s as close to riding like a professional as you’re going to get, with rolling road closures, back-up vehicles with full technical, medical and logistic support.

CAFÉ RACERS These boys and gals are hipsters on wheels. Although they are rarely seen on a bike, their bikes are often seen outside justopened cafés and collective working areas (also called coffee shops with free Wi-Fi). They are bearded – the men, that is – and seek to affect an air of being streetwise yet intellectual. They do not look like road warriors, even though they only ride on the road. They wear skinny jeans, T-shirts with obscure jokes, and thick-rimmed glasses that many of them do not need. It is hard to tell them apart. They are like the Borg in Star Trek, a group with a hive mind and, seemingly, just one clothing retailer. They only ride single-speed bikes, the slowest of machines, but will then complain about the speed of the free Wi-Fi in the café. Their bikes are simple. One cog at the back, one at the front and, for bragging rights, there are no brakes but a fixed wheel instead. ★ Most likely to: Leave their bikes inside the café overnight. ★ Must-have item: Levi’s Commuter range of clothing. ★ Reason why non-cyclists would not like them: No reason. They are also non-cyclists. ★ Must-do event: Critical Mass, a ride through the streets of Joburg, starting and ending in Braamfontein (held on the last Friday of every month). It is around 25km in total, is free, and usually fuelled by beer and pizza.

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The bicycle is the cure for South Africa’s urban transport problems. Commuters consist of the poor, the middle class and the wealthy. They are going from point A to point B, from home to work. They deliver newspapers, post and sell ice-creams. They are security guards, labourers, accountants, tellers, journalists and managers. Office workers will have a spare set of clothes, sticks of deodorant and a towel stuck in a drawer of their desks. They ride what they can afford or what they are given by the company, anything from dikwiels to mountain bikes, from a hybrid to a machine that would make a road warrior sigh with envy. Some are seen on the busiest of roads during rush hour, a dangerous but necessary evil. Others take back roads. A group of journalists of my acquaintance in Cape Town ride from the ‘other’ side of Table Mountain to the city most days. ★ Most likely to: Be at vida on Commuting Fridays, helmet in hand, for their coffee. ★ Must-have item: Lights, deodorant and high-visibility jacket. ★ Reason why noncyclists would not like them: The commuter

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speeds past them when they are stuck in their cars during rush hour. ★ Must-do event: None. Getting home in one piece is an event in itself.

MOUNTAIN BIKERS For a long time they were seldom seen on the streets but, slowly, they have begun emerging into the light, eyes blinking, dirt on their knees and leaves in their hair. Mountain biking has enjoyed massive growth in South Africa, but the nature of riding a bike on a mountain, or at least on some dirt, means that they sometimes have to travel by car to get to the place where they can ride. The mountain biker has two looks: the lycra of road warriors or the baggy shorts and jerseys that are a purer style of clothing. Two top professionals, Marco Fontana of Italy and Manuel Fumic of Germany, wear baggies on the World Cup circuit. They may be the fastest baggywearing riders in the world. MTB riders will have peaked helmets, and their bikes are stouter, knobbly of tyre with shock absorbers so they can roll with the bumps and punches. ★ Most likely to: Drain a beer rather than a protein recovery drink after a ride while arguing about the advantages of 27.5-inch or 29-inch wheels.

★ Must-have item: Bottle opener. ★ Reason why non-cyclists would not like them: They mention ‘Absa Cape Epic’ in every second sentence. ★ Must-do event: The Munga, a no-holdsbarred race from Bloemfontein to Stellenbosch, with $1-million in prize money (3-8 December 2014). The winner gets $750 000. There are five camps en route, but riders choose if and when they want to stop. Entry fee is $10 000 per two-man team.

FUN RIDERS These are weekend commuters. They go on training rides that consist of meeting at a café, stopping at another for coffee and cake, and then returning to the first one for a post-ride beer. These are the people who ride the… deep breath… Cape Argus Pick n Pay Momentum Cycle Tour in four hours or so; they are fit, although some of them carry a little weight. The chunky ones force themselves into a ‘medium when an ‘extra medium’ is needed, and may resemble jellyfish in condoms. ★ Most likely to: Ask, ‘Hey, what’s your Argus time?’ ★ Must-have item: Fun-ride entry. ★ Reason why non-cyclists would not like them: They make cycling seem fun. ★ Must-do event: Coronation Double Century, a 202km team race that starts and ends in Swellendam (22 November 2014). Entries are limited to 200 teams with up to 12 riders per team. The slowest teams start first at 5.30am, and the fastest last. There is a special medal for teams that end with all the riders they started with. Kevin McCallum is the chief sports writer of The Star newspaper. He is a fun rider, a commuter and mountain biker, and has been known to drink with café racers and road warriors.

IMAGES: GREATSTOCK/CORBIS, SHUTTERSTOCK

COMMUTERS AND WORKERS

Obrigado - el jimadorFINAL.indd 1

2014/06/06 2:04 PM

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Thomas Heatherwick is transforming a grain silo into a world-class art museum. It’s the kind of incredible thing he does. He let us into his headspace while in Cape Town to turn the first sod for the Zeitz Museum of Contemporary Art Africa at the V&A Waterfront.

of oung Thomas Heatherwick found old inner tubes at a bus depot and turned them into inflatable furniture covered with home-dyed material. In his childhood bedroom he disassembled things and put them back together again. He was fascinated by the old inventors with their ‘incredible confidence and derring-do’. Since then, he’s become a modern version of his heroes. Thomas is a designer, not an architect. Even so, he did his first building at 21. In his Heatherwick Studio in London, set up in 1994, new ideas can grow freely. His team of 140 kindred spirits thinks outside and inside the box. They could probably reinvent the box – as Thomas did with the first redesign, in 50 years, of the red London Bus. Now he’s going to make an art museum out of a 90-year-old grain silo in Cape Town’s harbour. The building belongs to the V&A Waterfront, who is funding the project. The silo is 9 500 square metres of workable space provided by a main building and 42 concrete cylinders, all six metres wide

By Pieter van der Lugt

and 33 metres high. No floors. This is Thomas going large, but he’ll easily go small as well. ‘I did an ice-cream once,’ he says. ‘And at the moment we’re designing a perfume bottle.’ He’s up for the spectacular as well, like the cauldron he designed for the 2012 London Olympics, or the astonishing UK Pavilion (named the Seed Cathedral) for Expo 2010 Shanghai China. But he’s also available for parking lots and generators. ‘I’ve always been interested in the function of spaces in buildings and objects at every scale,’ he says on a cold morning in the silo, sitting where the entrance will be when the museum opens in March 2016. ‘Everywhere has a job to do, every thing and material has an impact on you as a human being. I try to think from the human scale, always, rather than the grand, conceptual, big scale. I think from the human experience and work outwards from there. I believe ideas are what humans are interested in – whether they’re the scale of a city or something you could fit in your pocket.’ Less is more, form follows function. What does he think of these mantras? He thinks

they’re not mantras. ‘They’re bits of bigger, more sophisticated points, taken out of context. But I think humans admire cleverness more than richness. I’ve never had anyone give me an unlimited budget. So you always have to use your ingenuity or imagination to take limited resources and make the most of them. Your job is to make more out of less – rather than the less being the more.’ The solid old silo, a local landmark since 1921, makes you want to say ‘they just don’t build stuff like this anymore’. Or do architects still try to create something durable? ‘There is growing awareness that sustainability is about flexibility. If a building hasn’t got a generosity and flexibility of spirit, it probably won’t survive. There’s this thing about loose fit – trying to make things loose, so they can be reappropriated, because human beings change their minds.’ Something about the first room of the silo makes one think of Gaudi’s unfinished cathedral, the Sagrada Família, in Barcelona. It could be the pillars, or the column of light falling down a concrete tube in the middle. Some call

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the Sagrada Família an indulgence but Thomas is a fan – in part because of ‘the frugality of the person who was making that project happen, who was sacrificing his own personal comforts while doing something so wholeheartedly’. When an architecture blog recently picked its current most interesting museums, a reader commented that some of the ones listed exhibit themselves and don’t relate to what they contain. It wasn’t a popular comment, but Thomas sees the point. ‘Most museums are all about the outside. What about the inside?’ With the silo project he wants to draw people inside. ‘If they just look at the outside and clap and say, “Aah, really smashing”, but can’t be bothered to go in, then what’s the point? Making the inside as extraordinary and contemporary as we can is part of forcing people, I suppose, to really engage and not be intimidated by art.’ Art can become a bit elitist at times. ‘I’m more drawn to culture that hasn’t got the culture label on the outside,’ Thomas says. ‘I feel that people focus so much on art culture as if that’s the only kind of culture. I’m honoured to be working on this project because it’s so precious and so rare. To me this is more than an art gallery, somehow.’ His team was involved in finding a use for the silo long before its fate was decided – when there was even talk of demolishing it. ‘It’s very hard to create new buildings with soulfulness and character. Here’s a structure that already

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has it and has a story. I guess it would have been very arrogant to take this down and think we could create something more idiosyncratic. I’m pleased that economically it makes sense to keep it as well.’ Aside from stripping off the ‘granny’s tights yellow gunge’ and revealing the mortar speckled with blue stone, only billowing windows will change the outside of the building. The big change will be inside. ‘We’re going to light it and frame the tubiness of the structure. To me the incredible thing is that it had no floors in it. We felt that putting a funny hat on it would be absurd.’ There’s more than a bit of steampunk in Thomas – from the sincere passion for invention to the love of implements for making and customising old tools for novel uses. Cheeky question: what does he use to make coffee – a whistling retro kettle or a gleaming, futuristic espresso machine? ‘I actually don’t drink tea or coffee. I have this problem – for some reason my taste buds don’t do either… But I’ve got a really good tap.’ On his studio’s website, the portfolio of projects is split among three simple tabs: small, medium and large. Thomas works with space – where it is, what it encloses, how it’s arranged, what it does to the human spirit. But the most remarkable space he works with, is the one in his head. What goes on in there – and what comes out of it – is a marvel at any scale.

Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) Hobart, Tasmania Main features: Most of the building is underground, and it has no windows so as to create an ominous atmosphere; displays art from the collection of owner David Walsh, who calls the museum a ‘subversive Disneyland’. Showstopper: The ‘Cloaca Professional, 2010’, a room-sized artwork, fed twice a day, that digests food and drops the waste in a container. New Acropolis Museum Athens, Greece Main feature: Displays original pieces from the temples of the Acropolis. Showstopper: The base, standing on 100 slender pillars over a real excavation site, or the Parthenon Gallery at the top, twisted 23 degrees from the rest of the building to face the Acropolis. Pérez Art Museum (PAMM) Miami, Florida, US Main feature: Tropical plants woven into the layout of the building, linking it to the museum park outside. Showstopper: The vertical gardens. New Dali Museum Tampa Bay, Florida Feature: A hurricane-proof, concrete trapezoid housing the largest Dali collection outside Spain. Showstopper: The ‘Enigma’, a glass bubble 22 metres high and made of 1 062 glass triangles. Oct Design Museum Shenzhen, China Feature: The brief was to build a surreal space for design, fashion and conceptual car shows. So they did. Showstopper: A silver globe that seems to float in the air. Inside are massive, curving white spaces, astonishing backdrops for high concepts.

IMAGES: THOMAS HEATHERWICK: SEAN FOSTER/SUPPLIED BY THE V&A WATERFRONT; MOCCA RENDERING: HEATHERWICK STUDIOS

A few modern museums that will take your breath away

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A girl walks into a

By Helena S. Paige ou didn’t think there’d be this many people about at 10 on a Sunday morning – isn’t it supposed to be the day for a lie-in? That’s why you thought you’d be safe just throwing on a coat and quickly pulling on your leather boots before nipping down to your local coffee shop for a fix. You pull your thigh-length coat a little tighter around you, slightly embarrassed as the handful of patrons look up as you walk in the door. But you’re being ridiculous; nobody here could possibly know that you’ve only got a lacy, barely-there negligee on underneath. You eye the menu board above the counter; there are two guys in front of you in the queue, so you have a moment to decide what you feel like.

If you want an Americano, look for this icon

If you want an cappuccino, look for this icon

If you want an orange juice, look for this icon

If you want an decaf coffee, look for this icon

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he barista hands you your steaming Americano. You tear open a sachet of sugar and pour the grains into the cup, looking up as you stir it slowly with a wooden stick. A woman steps in off the street and to the back of the queue, brushing her hair out of her eyes. You can’t take your eyes off her. There’s something about her. She’s you. Well, she can’t be you, you’re you. But she’s as much you as you are. Same hair, same eyes, same build, same mole. It’s not a mirror – she’s wearing different clothes. Walking past, you make eye contact with yourself, and she looks back at you impassively. As you stroll out the door you wonder if, perhaps, you haven’t already had too much coffee today? Oh well, you think, taking a sip, maybe that’s why you haven’t been feeling yourself lately.

ou tip and thank the barista, and carry your cappuccino over to the counter, hanging back while the guy in front of you helps himself to sugar. He turns and catches your eye. There’s something familiar about him. ‘Hey…’ he says, his fringe covering his eyes. ‘Hi,’ you say, feeling your fingertips heating against the cup. ‘Where do I know you from?’ he asks. ‘Work.’ ‘Oh that’s right… sorry, out of context.’ ‘That’s okay, we’ve never actually met properly.’ Although you’ve practically bored a hole through his chest you’ve stared at him so much at work. And then there was that highly inappropriate dream that makes you blush every time you get into a lift with him. You suddenly feel even more naked than you did before. His stare is unbearable, but essential at the same time. ‘I’ve seen you around at the office. I was hoping I’d get to meet you some time. Bonus, I get to have a coffee with you, too,’ he says, tapping his cup against yours, then taking a sip. You chat about nothing and everything. The merits of a latte over a cappuccino. Mutual hates at work. The wooden sticks they use here as spoons. You can’t decide whether he’s sexy because he’s funny or sexy because he’s good-looking. You try to draw out the encounter, but both your coffees are finished too soon. He follows you to the door, and you register that he’s also wearing a long coat and leather boots. Outside, he steps up to a motorbike parked on the pavement. ‘Want a ride?’ he offers. ‘Hop on.’ ‘I would,’ you say, ‘but to be honest, I’m not really wearing anything underneath this coat.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ he says, ‘neither am I.’

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ou love Jay, you really do, you tell yourself as you queue for your regular Sunday morning takeaway of OJ. It’s part of your routine as a couple: wake up together, read the papers over a pot of Earl Grey, then he pops out to the local bakery for croissants, and you stroll down the road to fetch freshly squeezed orange juice. And after you’ve had breakfast, you’ll have your usual Sunday morning sex. Which is great – Jay is as hot as ever, and a tender, caring lover – but… you just want something a little different for a change, not the usual fifteen minutes of foreplay followed by a little oral for you and a bit of missionary for him. It all works fine; you know each other’s bodies intimately, their sensitive places, you’re both guaranteed a happy ending. But you just wish there was some way to ring the changes, spice things up somehow… You sigh as you shift from foot to foot in the queue, and then your eyes fall on a word on the menu above the counter: Chai. You head homewards, smiling to yourself, the fragrance of cinnamon, ginger, and something hot and peppery wafting up from the steam of your takeaway drinks. Jay’s in for a bit of a surprise, especially after you dig out that copy of the Kama Sutra you have somewhere on your bookshelf…

Helena S. Paige is the pen-name for three Cape Town writers – Sarah Lotz, Helen Moffett and Paige Nick – who came up with the idea of ‘you choose-your-own-(happy)-ending’ erotica over lunch in November 2012. They’ve written three erotic novels in The Girl Walks In series: A Girl Walks Into A Bar, A Girl Walks Into A Wedding (recently released) and A Girl Walks Into A Blind Date (due out in October), which are being rolled out in 21 countries around the world. Giveaway: Stand a chance to one of five copies of A Girl Walks into a Wedding (Jonathan Ball Publishers). Simply SMS Obrigado Girl, your name, daytime telephone number and address to 33282 by 1 September 2014.

ou reach for your takeaway decaf, and take a swig. You like it black with no sugar. The liquid jolts through you, the taste unfamiliar. You sniff cautiously at the vent in the closed lid and then take another sip. ‘Wait, I think that’s mine,’ you hear a man’s voice. He has an accent, Portuguese maybe. It’s as thick and dark as the coffee you just drank by accident, and now want more of. You look up slowly, taking another sip, challenging him to stop you. The liquid spikes through your body, shocking every synapse alive, or maybe it’s his eyes doing that, they’re coffee-dark, and just as hot. He watches you, then reaches for the cup remaining on the counter and takes a sip. ‘What is this stuff?’ he asks, pulling a face. ‘Decaf,’ you say, cradling his cup in case he tries to take it away from you. ‘And this?’ you ask, nodding your head at the stolen drink in your hands. ‘Double espresso,’ he says. ‘That’s a lot of caffeine.’ He smiles. ‘That’s the point.’ You take another sip. Delicious. Right now, you can’t remember why you thought decaf was a good idea. ‘I’m going to be bouncing off the walls.’ He laughs. ‘What will you do with all that extra energy?’ ‘Oh,’ you say, taking another slow sip and holding his gaze, ‘I’m sure we’ll think of something.’

Nick is an author, award-winning advertising copywriter and a weekly columnist for the Sunday Times, covering everything from sex to dating and general lunacy. Moffett wears many hats: freelance writer, editor, researcher, poet, academic and flamenco fan. Lotz is a screenwriter and novelist with a fondness for fake names. She writes urban horror novels under the name S.L. Grey with author Louis Greenberg, and a young-adult pulp-fiction zombie series with her daughter, Savannah, under the pseudonym Lily Herne.

Terms and conditions: 1. The giveaway is open to all Obrigado readers and closes on 1 September 2014. 2. The winners will be selected by random draw and informed telephonically. 3. The prize may differ from the image. 4. The prize cannot be exchanged for cash. 5. By entering this competition, entrants agree to abide by the rules and conditions of the competition. 6. The judges’ decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

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The

Markus Wormstorm is one of South Africa’s electronic music pioneers who’s still exploring new sonic landscapes. We go along for the ride. By Annie Brookstone

s strange a name as Markus Wormstorm’s might be, it’s not a new one on the South African music scene. Whether you were jamming to his releases on the iconof-cool African Dope Records label more than a decade ago, dancing your ass off at a Real Estate Agent’s show (his collaboration with fellow local electro-hero Sibot) or, more recently, have been entranced by the cinematic score on local gangster movie, Four Corners, his sound is one that sticks with you, working its way into the spaces between your synapses. When he’s not weaving together sounds in his Cape Town studio, he’s publishing books, working on video games and creating magic with fantasy art collective, The Blackheart Gang. Or, you know, chatting to us…

IMAGE: KRISTEN MOOLMAN

You recently worked on the Four Corners soundtrack. How does the creative process differ when you’re composing a score for an existing story versus creating a story with sound? I find that writing music for music’s sake is often technology dependent – at least in the electronic realm. For instance, I would mess around with my toys and stumble on something that sounds great and start from there. So the medium guides the process. It’s different with films, as the story and theme guide the sound, so there’s a lot of trial and error and a lot of scribbling on paper before we begin actual recordings. You were working on a story that is uniquely South African, but also trying to make it accessible for a global audience. Were these factors ever at odds with each other in terms of the decisions you made? No, not really. But with a project of this scale there will

always have to be some compromises. Ian, the director, was great to work with and pretty much gave me creative reign. I was urged to create an emotive theme for the young protagonist, which is a route I probably would not have followed – but it all turned out well in the end. If this soundtrack had a flavour, what would it be? Tar and honey… You asked! Tell me a little about the ‘dead drop’ marketing campaign for Four Corners? It’s a marketing campaign I designed to promote the Four Corners film and the score. I always loved the idea of cementing mysterious USBs into walls around the city. These dead drops, as they’re called,

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I always loved the idea of cementing mysterious USBs into walls around the city. contain mixes of my music to promote the film. The locations are marked with graffiti, which point to the USBs. Online we posted riddles in the form of diagrams of chess games; when superimposed onto a map of the city, the locations of the dead drops become apparent. It uses elements of augmented reality to add a bit of mystery into people’s realities. The whole treasure-hunt theme could be an allegory for music in general – how do you find great new music amidst all the rubbish? What do you have plugged into your ears right now? I’m listening to a lot of Analord, Zappa and Pink Floyd at the moment. We mostly listen to records at the studio. Critical praise is pretty awesome. What’s the most memorable thing anyone’s ever written about you? ‘Markus needs to watch better films.’ Wire magazine What’s The Blackheart Gang all about? Ree Treweek and I

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the word ‘brekkie’ or subscribes to ‘natural remedies’ can all go fuck themselves.

create art together. Our projects range from animated operas to books and sculptures. Check it out at theblackheartgang.com. From The Blackheart Gang to a movie about gangsterism… So, what’s your gang sign? Do you have matching tattoos? Actually, Sibot and I have matching tattoos – inky relics from Real Estate days. Just to be clear, I’m not saying that he and I were real estate agents. The Real Estate Agents was the name of our band! You’ve had some other pretty epic collaborative projects, like The Constructus Corporation and Sweat.X. Are there any other local musicians you’d still dig to work with? I love working with deeply-nerdy-music-PhD types. My ignorance on musical matters makes for a good harmony. On the topic of Constructus Corp, as the music industry has moved largely into a digital space, do you think ambitious concept albums will become more commonplace?

What’s the next frontier in pushing musical boundaries? In general, I think the music industry is a sinking ship, a getout-while-you-can type scenario. That said, music-making software is one of the new frontiers; pretty soon everyone in the world would have made an album. And obviously, the big one is music for games. Gaming is a major bubble that will continue to grow for the next 50 years or so. The safe money says that the next big movement in music is themes and scores that interact with the user/ listener. Have you seen the @DJsComplaining twitter account? It’s pretty amazing. What’s your favourite gripe? Oh wow, where to begin… Cyclists, ‘gluten intolerant’ people, and anyone who uses

I remember collecting SL magazine compilation CDs, and hearing one of your tracks and thinking, ‘What the hell kind of name is “Wormstorm”?’ (Forgive me, I was young.) If you could change your moniker now, what would you change it to? Donald Wormstorm. Mind, if I opened an online store, I’d call it Markus Wormstore. Who would play you in the big-screen adaptation of the life of Markus and who would score it? I suppose a slightly overweight Edward Norton would be able to pull it off. I’d like Cliff Martinez to create the soundtrack, but there probably isn’t enough danger in my life. And I figure the studio would probably fuck it up and get someone like Danny Elfman involved. What are you working on at the moment? I have a new EP done that my German label has picked up. It’s called Akira and is inspired by late ’80s anime. I used a lot of traditional Japanese and African instruments. We’re also working on a podcast series and have just finished recording with Lauren Beukes.

By Evan Milton

ALOE BLACC – LIFT YOUR SPIRIT You know him for the recession-busting ‘I Need A Dollar’ (2010), a song he wrote mainly as ‘a genre exercise’, or from Avicii’s 22-country Nr 1 hit, ‘Wake Me Up’ (2013). But Aloe Blacc is far more than either one-hit wonder or just a ‘voice’: he’s a witty, engaged and chic contemporary take on neo-soul with a folk edge. Stylistically, he’s mentioned with a nod to Stevie Wonder and Bill Withers, but it’s an appreciative nod that saw the lead single ‘The Man’ hit UK Nr 1. Plus, he supports anti-malaria campaigns and justice for immigrants, and named his firstborn Mandela. What’s not to love?

WOLFMOTHER – WOLFMOTHER Fact: There are jokes like ‘The best Wolfmother album is Led Zeppelin’s IV’. Fact: The Australian band founded and helmed by vocalist/guitarist Andrew Stockdale has its feet firmly planted with Led Zep, as well as Steppenwolf, MC5 and, inevitably, AC/DC. But the music is a direct descendant, rather than adopted wannabe pastiche. That said, it’s their debut, Wolfmother (2004) you want, with its double A-side first salvo ‘Woman’ / ‘Mind’s Eye’, and the way it oozes raw, unadulterated rock that’s drenched with gut-grinding intensity, wailing vocals and crunchy riffs – all without taking itself too seriously. Oppikoppi PR quipped that audiences should bring a gumguard: it’s not a bad idea. ust. Boiling days and freezing nights. Rocks and tussocks below a far-too-thin camping mattress inside a far-too-small tent while you try to sleep as some idiot 10 tents down plays The Doors. (really, The Doors?) from a distorted sound system, punctuating your fitful nightmares about a morning trip to the portaloo. Soon, colleagues and friends and teenage sons and daughters will start talking about the musical wonders of the Oppikoppi festival’s 20th anniversary and its attendant national tours. Apparently unattainable international stars will grace our shores – the mighty rock pedigree of Wolfmother, the postindie hipness of The Editors. This alongside ever-slippery fashionbusting vocal icon Cat Power, post-soul crooner Aloe Blacc (now famous to a new generation after chart-friendly EDM DJ Avicii used his voice – sans credit – on the dancefloor hit, ‘Wake Me Up’), and up-and-coming stars that will be brand-new to all but the most avid of Last.fm or Simfy trolls. The likes of post-folk vocalist Sarah Blasko (winner of a handful of ARIA Awards, the Australian equivalent of our SAMAs), country troubadour Willy Mason (USA) and harder-edged festival crowdpleasers like The Last Supper (Canada), Inspector Cluzo (France) and Rival Sons (America). Here is your water-cooler primer: a quartet of crib-notes so you can stand your own better than just mumbling, ‘Well, I preferred their earlier albums.’ Oppikoppi takes place from 8 to 10 August 2014; visit oppikoppi.co.za. Aloe Blacc plays One Night in Cape Town at Grandwest on 7 August 2014. Wolfmother and The Editors play Cape Town at the Good Hope Centre on 7 August 2014. Catch Cat Power, Sarah Blasko and Willy Mason at the Rolling Stone Original Voices at the Baxter Concert Hall, Cape Town, on 6 August 2014.

CAT POWER – YOU ARE FREE Charlyn Marshall has an award-winning album called The Greatest (2006); and you haven’t lived rock ’n roll until you’ve heard her revisioning of classics like The Rolling Stones’ ‘Satisfaction’ and Velvet Underground’s ‘I Found A Reason’ (off The Covers Record, 2000); and her latest album, Sun (2013) is a gem of post-electronica songwriting emotions. But 2003’s You Are Free is the critical Cat Power primer. It’s a masterpiece of what happens after the soul-searching is done, replete with poised, yet vulnerable, lyrical observations that place her among greats like Liz Phair, PJ Harvey and, yes, Chrissie Hynde and Patti Smith. WILLIE MASON – CARRY ON The 29-year-old American country, folk and blues songwriter Willy Mason is a blood descendant of novelist Henry James, but his best songs suggest he’s a kindred spirit of Johnny Cash and Hank Williams, and his darker songs could stand beside Sandy Dillon (which is arguably the highest swamp-music praise possible). Mason’s debut, Where The Humans Eat (2004), includes his brother playing drums, and advice from his folk-singing parents. But Carry On (2012) is the must-have, not least because it features the brilliant ‘Restless Fugitive’, a roots-based piece that embraces contemporary resulting in six minutes of songwriting bliss. Further satiate yourself with Willy Mason & Brendan Benson – Upstairs at United (2013). thirty-three

MONIQUE SCHREIBER The soundtrack to my life would include the song? ‘Luna’ by Bombay Bicycle Club. It sums up my energy and excitement about life. I think cyclists are: Sometimes annoying. Share the road! The oddest thing I can do is? The Mexican wave with my eyebrows. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? A totally silent washing machine – the spinning noise drives me crazy. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? Food, a vida e caffè Mocha and warm clothes.

JARED HALEY The soundtrack to my life would include the song? ‘Bicycle Race’ by Queen, because I want to ride my bicycle... I think cyclists are: Awsome. I’m a professional cyclist, so I may be biased. The oddest thing I can do is? Drink the least and get the most drunk. So I don’t, and always end up as the designated driver. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? My girlfriend, a great bottle of red wine and a tour guide. The best thing about winter is? Fires, red wine and coffee.

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SIBONGILE MUZAENI I think cyclists are: The craziest sports crowd because of the way they dress. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? Cheap helicopters for easier transportation of the poor. The best thing about winter is? Lush, green vegetation, thick jackets and boots.

LAUREN BEGBIE The soundtrack to my life would include the song? Michael Jackson’s ‘Don’t Stop ’Til You Get Enough’. It sums up how I do the things I enjoy, like travelling, writing or photography. I think cyclists are: Crazy. It seems so risky on our public roads. The oddest thing I can do is? Make an occasion out of any seemingly mundane activity. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? Something that holds my book and turns the pages while I read in the bath. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? A sleeping bag, a good book and a slab of chocolate. The best thing about winter is? Being bone chillingly cold and sinking into a deep, hot bubble bath.

JUSTIN DAMSTER The soundtrack to my life would include the song? ‘Greenback Boogie’ by Ima Robot. Secretly I’d like to be Harvey Spector from Suits. I think cyclists are: A little nuts, yet brave. Those early morning starts, irrespective of weather, show dedication. The oddest thing I can do is? Roll my stomach; it’s weird. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? A mind reader. I often look at things people do and think, ‘No, seriously, what were you thinking?’ If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? A packet of Rondos from Woolies. I am addicted. The best thing about winter is? Red wine, coffee, coffee and more coffee.

TYLER WALKER The soundtrack to my life would include the song? M83’s ‘Midnight City’. As a photographer my job is about observing, and this incredibly melodic song gives me space to observe in tranqulity. I think cyclists are: Not cool, unless they’re on a mountain trail. The oddest thing I can do is? Make just one of my eyes go squint at a time. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? A dishwasher that packs your dishes away after it’s done. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? A beer, a friend to share the experience and a phone, for posting selfies at #tylersnightinthemuseum. The best thing about winter is? Dressing up warmly and watching good series.

OWEN DAMPIES The soundtrack to my life would include? ‘Forever Young’ by Alphaville. No matter how old I get, I’m staying young at heart. I think cyclists are: The fittest guys on the planet. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? A muffin, my cellphone and some music. The best thing about winter is? A vida coffee.

NDEMBO WALITANGA The soundtrack to my life would include the song? ‘Majesty (Here I am)’ by Delirious. If you understand God, you should praise and adore him. I think cyclists are: To be admired. They ride so far and yet always seem ready to ride anytime. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? Something that prevents couples from cheating. If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? A torch, my cellphone and something to read. The best thing about winter is? Everyone looks so well dressed.

RUSSEL SISSING The soundtrack to my life would include the song? ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen. As a cricket coach I strive for excellence when it comes to producing the next generation of SA cricketers. The oddest thing I can do is? Some people think it’s odd that I don’t drink. A gadget that really needs to be crowdfunded is? A device that deactivates a vehicle if the driver is behaving like a .... If trapped in a museum for the night, I’d definitely need? My phone. I’d be in all sorts of trouble if I didn’t let my girlfriend know where I was.

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always believed that entering the comments sections of mainstream news websites was like feeling your way around a swamp in the dark. You’re not sure what’s down there, but you know it’s unpleasant. Lately, I’ve overcome my fears and ventured into that lawless land ‘below the fold’. I found that I was wrong. The comments zone is not uniformly unpleasant, and there are, in fact, only about six types of commenters in the game. Each of the thousands of opinions posted daily on our country’s news sites is pretty much a variation on these themes…

The free-speech crusader ‘Ehhhh?’, they’ll remark. ‘My last comment has been removed. What happened to free speech on here? Tsk. Tsk.’ Then it will emerge that their last comment was a statement so inflammatory, bigoted and delusional, it would have precipitated a race war. Even comments sections have limits, guy.

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The one-trick pony This person can only keep one single hot-button issue on their mind at a time. So any news that isn’t about their issue is automatically an injustice. ‘People are suffering from DIAREA in North-West!’ they will scream in caps. ‘And we’re talking about sexual orientation!’ Variations on this comment can be found below every story on the site that isn’t about diarrhoea.

The unhinged philosopher These intellectuals, sometimes sporting a UFO as an avatar, are proof that if you think too hard, for too long, you will go mad. Apropos of almost anything, they will begin freestyle philosophising. ‘The past is simply a collection of thoughts, feelings and impressions,’ they will point out. ‘We punish ourselves through reloading these images like a video tape.’ They will then smugly log off, satisfied that they have won that argument. The rest of the comments timeline will then be left WTFing until their eyebrows explode. The prophet of doom ‘Just watch what happens,’ this social analyst will sadly instruct his audience in the comments bar. He will then prophesy wall-towall destruction for South African

society. Water quality will plummet, the Springboks will start losing to Wales, and you won’t be able to buy rusks in the shops any more. It will all be the fault of the president and the, ahem, ‘arrogANCe’. This at the bottom of a story about bottle stores closing earlier. Later, it will emerge that this expert is in fact an expat expert, who gleans his knowledge of SA society by Skyping his mom in PE from his base in Australia. The integrity police Sagely observing that basically no-one is fit to run the country, these people will allege that things were better under apartheid, before going on to say that ‘We didn’t fight in the struggle for this!’ Between the over-privileged, the corrupt and the incompetent, pretty much noone would survive if these warriors’ avenging fire of justice were ever unleashed upon the nation. Comments are not so much a constituency as a type of therapy group, where everyone gets to vent, but no-one really listens to each other. In that sense, it’s actually a little like parliament. The parliament of indignant fury, now sitting in righteous judgement on a website near you! Hagen Engler likes to think of himself as the Julius Malema of the online comments section. Progressive. Infuriating. In debt. His latest book, Stuff White People Like, is co-written with Christian Lander and is available for R175.

IIMAGE: BEATRIZ GASCON J/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM

The comments section on any piece of social media could be described as opinion in its purest form. Hagen Engler would like to introduce you to some of the folk you might meet there.

The character assassin This one gets personal with all the other commenters, and often develops longstanding relationships of mutual abuse with certain of them. ‘Victor_98, if breathing was not an automatic function and required your brain, you would have died long ago,’ they will opine. But the next day on the site, there will be a poignant nostalgia: ‘Where is that idiot Victor_98? I would expect him to have weighed in on this.’ It’s almost as if one type of righteous fury needs the opposite type of fury to rail against.

LANA DEL REY

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