peter the pancake peddler

Pat, Peter’s employer, is particularly worried about Peter. Having worked with him for a long time, Pat knows that Peter is a hard worker and a money maker. Peter’s pizzas are – in the parlance of the perennially picky populace – pretty pleasing to the palate.

The problem is, recently, Peter has periodically pestered Pat with the proposition of peddling pancakes. Pancakes are where the paper’s at, as Peter would say; practically everyone is profiting prodigiously from peddling pancakes.

Pat, predictably, feels nonplussed pertaining to Peter’s prattle. “I’m perfectly happy to peddle pancakes,” Pat professes, “but we’re predominantly a pizza parlour, not a pancake pantry. I still want you to prepare pizzas, principally.”

“Sure thing, boss,” says Peter, as he prepares another pancake. “Don’t you worry, I recognise pizza as a fundamental human right and fundamental to upholding our calorific values.”

Pat shrugs and lets the matter pass. The truth is, Peter’s pancakes are popular, with lots of paying customers. It is very hard to tell Peter off, Pat admits, when his policy of pancake peddling is pulling in piles of paper.

Weeks later, Pat finds out that Peter has been partaking in Paypal payments from Pancakes Pty. The sums weren’t peanuts either. That would explain why Peter is so persistent about peddling Pancakes! Pat postulates.

Pat presses Peter about these payments. “What’s all this paper you’ve been pocketing from Pancakes Pty.?” Pat asks. “Are they paying you to peddle pancakes?”

“Not at all!” Peter protests. “They’re just good pals of mine, who want to deepen cultural and economic ties with pizza parlours through a peaceful and lawful exchange of ideas and ideologies.”

“Oh, fair enough,” says Pat, not knowing what that means, exactly. “But I wish you’d told me about it.”

“What’s the big deal, boss?” Peter asks. “We’re pocketing prodigious profits from peddling pancakes! That’s preem, right?”

Pat scratches his head. “I guess, yeah, it’s no big deal.”

Weeks later, Pat sees a proclamation in the papers: Pancake Pty Denounces Pizza as a Food Preference!

Perturbed, Pat points it out to Peter. “Hey, what’s all this about them not liking pizzas?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that boss,” Peter says. “They just like to preach, nothing will come of it. By the way, can I sell more pancakes? I want to sell about 17% more pancakes year-onyear.”

“I already told you, Peter, we’re a pizza parlour,” Pat points out, perplexed. “I’m happy with us peddling pancakes, but not at the expense of our pizzas.”

“Come on, boss,” Peter pleads. “Pancakes pull in so much paper. Plus, what’s so good about pizzas anyway?”

“I… I like pizzas,” says Pat. He’s never had to explain why he liked pizzas before – since people mostly take it for granted – so his plugging of its positives is precarious at best.

Weeks later, an incident occurs at the pizza parlour.

“Peter! Peter!” Pat yells. “Why did you kick out that customer? He wanted pizza!”

“That customer insulted my pancakes,” Peter protests peevishly.

“Oh, fair enough. We don’t tolerate that sort of behaviour in our pizza parlour,” Pat declares proudly. “What did he say?”

“Well, boss, he denounced pancakes as a food preference.”

“Huh?” Pat is puzzled. “He denounced pancakes as a food preference?”

“Yep, and I presented a pummelling to his posterior. As you said, we don’t tolerate that sort of behaviour.”

“Huh?!” Pat is positively puzzled. “That’s it? But your pals from Pancake Pty. said the exact same thing a while back.”

“Oh, yeah,” says Peter, “but they use that sort of language all the time. It’s no big deal.”

“This is appalling.” Pat shakes his head. “I just want to run my pizza parlour in peace. I’m going to have to let you go, Peter. You’re producing too much drama and I don’t want to deal with it.”

“That’s a shame, boss,” says Peter. “Will you write me a good recommendation?”

“You did good work and you made me lots of money,” says Pat. “Of course I will write you a good recommendation.”

Peter is let go with a premium severance package. Weeks later, Pat finds out that Peter has found a job at another pizza parlour, and is still raking in the paper with his pancakes.

“Good for him,” Pat professes to his pen pal, “but if he prefers pancakes so much, why doesn’t he go work in a pancake pantry? Why another pizza parlour?”

“Because they’re already peddling as much pancake as they can at the pancake pantry,” corresponds Pat’s pen pal. “Pancake Pty. needs him to peddle pancakes at pizza parlours.”

“They’ve certainly procured the perfect man for that proposition,” writes Pat. “Peter is good at lots of things, but he is particularly proficient at peddling pancakes in pizza parlours.”

WORDS BY Jialun Qi