The following is a fan-made publication not endorsed or in anyway associated with the BBC. Doctor Who, The Doctor Who logo, TARDIS, Daleks and Cybermen and K9 are all registered trademarks of the BBC and no copyright infringement is intended. This book is loosely based on “The Big Book of Top Gear”. Made by Stephen Henderson, 2012 THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND DO NOT TIE INTO ANY DOCTOR WHO STORYLINES. FOR COMEDY/ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. For more, mostly Doctor Who stuff visit: www.issuu.com/StephenDavidHenderson or by scanning the QR Code:
Also follow me on Twitter: @GammaMonkey
And at www.youtube.com/StephenDHenderson
In Memory of Terry Nation, The Real Creator of the Daleks
TERMS AND CONDITIONS 1) This book is unsuitable for use in the microwave. 2) This book is exempt for use by people with heart conditions. 3) This book is unsuitable to feed a family of three. 4) This book is complies with Section Three of the Laws of Time. 5) This book is unsuitable for dogs, both canine and robotic. 2345b) Pages 99 and 103 are exempt from existing. 2346) This book cannot be upheld in a court of law. 2347xii) This book is available in both paper and holographic formats. 7800-apple-9) This book would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids! ADVERTISEMENT
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Contents... It's all still waiting for you... The Fields of Trenzalore, The Fall of the Eleventh and the Question. The FIRST Question. The Question that should NEVER be answered. Hidden in plain sight. The Question you've been running from all your life.
Doctor Who? Doctor Who? DOCTOR WHO?
THE D0CTOR'S
R00m 1o1 Daleks
Angels
Phone boxes that aren't bigger on the inside
The Master
The Laws of Time
BARROWMAN!!! *shakes fist*
Cybermen
Anything made of wood, except my TARDIS
ks The New Dale
THE master'S
R00m 1o1 The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
The Doctor
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor So, then. Tardis! Come on! The_Doctor @Donna_Noble You've got a hatbox. #whydoyouhaveahatbox
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor Planet of the Hats, I'm ready Donna_Noble @The_Doctor I don't need injections, do I?
Y'know, like when you go to Cambodia, is there any of that?
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor Cos my friend @Veena1 went to Bahrain, and... you're not saying very much.
The_Doctor @Donna_Noble No, but it's just... It's a funny old life, in the TARDIS
Search...
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor u don't want me. The_Doctor @Donna_Noble I'm not saying that, the last time, with @MarthaJ, it got complicated. I just want a mate.
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor u just want TO MATE??! #wtf ur not mating with me, sunshine!
The_Doctor @Donna_Noble A mate, I want, a! Mate! Donna_Noble @The_Doctor OK! I'm not having any of that
nonsense, you're a skinny streak of nothing. Alien nothing.
Donna_Noble @The_Doctor So I can come? The_Doctor @Donna_Noble Yeah. Course you can, yeah :) I'd love it.
A guide to...
FINDING YOUR WAY AROUND THE TARDIS
Wardrobe Bedrooms WI-FI hotspot
Library Zero Room Entrance
Meerkat Room Petting Zoo Disabled Access Multi-Faith Room
Swimming Pool
Exit through Gift Shop Sauna
Bar Starbucks
Casino
The Wire
NOW AVAILABLE ON BETAMAX, DVD AND FROM i-tunes
The Doctor's Gallery of
Jelly Babies
PROLOGUE Two households both alike in dignity, In fair Mondas where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new munity, Where brains doth removed lest put onto an silver suit From forth the fatal loins of these two foes A pair of star crossed lovers deleted from their earthly life; Whose misadventured piteous overthrows Doth with their death bury the cybernetic life. The fearful passage of their death-marked love, And the continuance of their parent's rage, Which, with their children's end, nought could remove, Is now the two hours traffic of our stage; The which if you with patient ears attend, What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
Exterminate!, Dalek Excellent!, 80s era Cyberman Absolute Drivel!, Simon Callow What the hell is this?, Shakespeare
Mrs DoubtWhofire A recently separated family meet their new nanny and are suspicious of her. Their suspicions ring true when she turns out to be a Slitheen. Cue a mad man in a blue box to save the day. Then, stuck for a minder – the family hire the Doctor with hilarious consequences. Documentary. *****
Star Wars Trilogy Mean asthmatic Darth Vader's plans are foiled by the conjunction of eleven time lords all called the Doctor. Joined by Chewbacca (which the second Doctor mistakes for a yeti), Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia and two droids that the Doctor mistakes for a Dalek and a Cybermen. Documentary. ***
The School of Time Travel Sequel to (Captain) Jack Black's School of Rock. The Doctor somehow finds himself in charge of a class. Throwing out the regular timetable he takes the kids on a trip across the universe. However the plot begins to lag at the end when the court case begins. Documentary. **
Laurel & Hardy's The Flying Deuces Stan (Stan Laurel) and Ollie (Oliver Hardy) star in this classic 1939 film. Heartbroken, Ollie joins the foreign leigon and takes Stan along for the ride. Includes cameo from the Doctor. ****
Wild at Hartnell, ITV1 Drama series featuring William Hartnell as a veterinary Doctor who moves to South Africa with his grand-daughter, Susan. He has to deal with many things at Leopard's Den including a poorly giraffe, a poorly zebra, a poorly lion and then back to the giraffe again. ***
Casualty, BBC One Drama series set in the fictional Bristol/Welsh City of Holby City. New recruit the Doctor joins the team cast but is quickly reprimanded for insisting that he is THE Doctor. *
Trucks & Trailers, Channel 5 Documentary about the day to day lives of the drivers of Eddie Stobart. New recruit the Doctor has a memorable first day when he is surprised that his trailer is the same size on the inside as the outside. Then, he discovers that his lorry only travels in three dimensions and not in the fourth. ***
It's All About Amy, Channel 5 Reality series following the live story of Amy Pond. Amy takes on the role of a dimwitted air head, with absolutely no talent in order to attract the audiences across from series one that featured Amy Childs before she was exterminated. *
MAKE YOUR OWN... TIME MACHINE You will need: One box-shaped receptacle, eg. Wardrobe, Box Step 1: Paint receptacle blue
Step 2: Make bigger on inside (Optional)
Step 3: How to use your time machine: Simply step inside your box for however long you wish to travel forwards in time. For Example to travel forwards 3 hours in time, step inside for three hours. When you emerge, you will be three hours in the future. You may want to take a book with you. Step 4: Repeat Step 3 NOTE: These instructions are unsuitable for travelling backwards in time. Use of these instructions for backwards time travel may cause the universe to get a bit blown up.
SOME PEOPLE THINK
INSIDE THE BOX
AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY!
“WE MUST GET SOME OF THESE APPLES”
Was Elvis Presley really the Doctor? Probably not.
Out now Beatles for sale
The best album in the universe mne magazine
Other books available at issuu.com/stephendavidhenderson
“I have a big book now... Big books are cool”
Artwork by Stephen Henderson