WestCoast Families Winter 2023

Photo credit: Devan Francis

Check out the upcoming Family Resource Guide

The annual Family Resource Guide offers a comprehensive guide to businesses, organizations and services of interest to families. It includes opportunities to advetise your products and services to families from Abbotsford to North Vancouver. You will certainly want to be part of this publication that reaches families year round.

Distribution continues for a full year. Distribution outlets include grocery stores, recreation centres, libraries and more. It is estimated that over 40,000 families pick up the Family Resource Guide at over 250 locations across the lower mainland!

Celebrating the modern family lifestyle on the West Coast

Jim Schneider Publisher publisher@westcoastfamilies.com

Sue Fast Editor editor@westcoastfamilies.com

RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager raeleigh@westcoastfamilies.com

Kristine Wickheim Account Manager kristine@westcoastfamilies.com

Katharine Todd Millar Account Manager katharine@westcoastfamilies.com

For distribution inquiries, please email publisher@westcoastfamilies.com

WestCoast Families, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is a bimonthly publication that honours and supports parents by providing information on resources and businesses for west coast families. Views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher.

Mailing Address 518 Caselton Place, Victoria, BC V8Z 7Y5 250 388 6905

A proud member of BC

Cover Photo: Erica Miller Photography ericamiller.ca

WestCoastFamilies.com

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Spark Spontaneous Joy

Long before author Marie Kondo coined the phrase “spark joy” to help her readers declutter their homes and lives by keeping only items that make them happy, authors Linda and Richard Eyre encouraged the same concept in their book Teaching Your Children Joy.

Get excited with children. Swallow your sophistication—be a child with them, emote with them. When they say, “Oh, look!” you say, “Wow, yes!” Don’t say, “Calm down,“ or “Not here.” Let kids be your teachers. They are the experts in spontaneity; do what they do.

Help them relive spontaneous joy moments by remembering. “Remember when we saw the bird pulling up the worm? Wasn’t that great?” “Remember at the picnic when the grasshopper jumped into the potato salad? Didn’t we laugh hard?”

Do spontaneous things with them. “Hey, instead of a bedtime story tonight, let’s put on your pajamas and go to the ice cream shop for a cone before you go to bed.” Or “Mom looks tired. Let’s put her to bed for a nap, and you and I will fix dinner.”

Make spontaneity a priority. Place enough value on spontaneity that you let it happen even if it’s a little inconvenient. Suppose you are walking outside on a rainy spring afternoon and your child stomps in a puddle. Skip the “No, no!” part and instead, take off their shoes and let them splash barefoot. (Or take off your shoes and splash with them!)

Play surprise-oriented group games like hide-and-seek and musical chairs. Revel in the surprise.

Kids are already born masters of spontaneous delight, so the teaching part is really just a refresher. Maybe we, as parents, are the ones with a lot to learn!

Here, according to the book, is how:

Put new surprises into old fairy tales. Watch the delight of mixing two familiar fairy tales or storylines. Think Cinderella meets the Three Bears. Or Shrek winds up with 101 Dalmations.

Do things with kids that are a little—or a lot!—silly and let them show you the pleasure in the unexpected.

Family Day at Museum of Vancouver

Drop by on Family Day, Monday Feb 20, and receive complimentary admission to the Museum of Vancouver from 10am–5pm and register for scheduled programming with local storytellers including Puppets Tell Stories, Puppetry Workshop with ventriloquist Kellie Hains, Stories from the Land: Live Storytelling with Chief Ian Campbell and A Ventriloquist in Vancouver: Fun for the Whole Family with Master Ventriloquist Don Bryan. museumofvancouver.ca/ events-programs

Valentine’s Foodie Pop-Up Market

The Got Craft Foodie Virtual Market returns from Feb 2–5, featuring over 30 local businesses. Shop delicious small batch food and drink including vegan, gluten free and low sugar items and choose free Vancouver curbside pick-up or flat-fee shipping. To participate, visit shop.gotcraft.com and browse goods from the comfort of your computer/phone, add all the things to your online cart, check out in a single transaction, choose flat-fee shipping or free curbside pick-up in Vancouver and pat yourself on the back for choosing to support small business! Easy peasy!

Privacy Matters

MediaSmarts released Privacy and Consent, the third in a series of reports from Phase IV of Young Canadians in a Wireless World (YCWW). The report found that youth are more aware of privacy concerns online and want to take steps to protect their own privacy, but they don’t always know how. With Safer Internet Day on Feb 7, parents can access resources to help their kids stay safe online at mediasmarts.ca.

Cook-Along BC

To celebrate Canada’s Agriculture Day, BC Agriculture in the Classroom Foundation (BCAITC) invites you to attend two free virtual Cook-Along events on February 15. BCAITC Chef Randle will guide participants online through two BC grown recipes: Chocolate Espresso Lava Cakes with Crème Anglaise (11:00–11:45am) and Turkey Falafel with Garlic Yogurt Sauce and Chopped Salad (5:30–6:30pm). A BC egg farmer will join each session to provide insights on BC farming, plus webinar participants will be entered into draws for a chance to win prizes totalling $250+. To register and to find the recipes and menu shopping/equipment list, visit bcaitc.ca/blog/cook-along-bc-event-february-15

Dental Care

The Government of Canada is accepting applications for the new interim Canada Dental Benefit, giving eligible families up-front, direct payments totalling up to $650 per year per eligible child under 12 for two years (up to $1,300) to support the costs of dental care services. Canadians must meet all of the following conditions to be eligible for the first benefit period:

Their child or children were under 12 as of December 1, 2022

Their adjusted family net income of less than $90,000

· Their child receives dental care services between October 1, 2022 and June 30, 2023

· Their child does not have access to private dental insurance

Their child’s dental costs are not fully covered by another dental program provided by any level of government

They are currently receiving the Canada Child Benefit for that child

They have filed their 2021 tax return

For information and to apply, visit canada.ca

Fresh Finds

With better weather and Spring Break on its way, now is a good time to get road-trip ready. Whether your plans involve planes, trains or automobiles, here are a few things to have on hand when you take off!

Hydaway Collapsible Water Bottle

This travel-specific bottle collapses down to a ridiculously small 4cm disc to easily fit in your pocket, a pack or carry on. When expanded, it holds 500ml of liquid. Available in a variety of colours, it’s hydration that’s as on the go as you are!

myhydaway.com

Puro Sound Labs

BT2200 Bluetooth Headphones

Lightweight and durable, Puro headphones provide kids with the finest genuine studio sound, including clear, crisp vocals and full dynamic—all within the safety of 85dB and with a 10 metre range, allowing free movement without getting tangled up in wires.

purosound.com

Keen Stingray Sandals

Mucky coastlines, rocky tidal pools and slippery decks are easier for kids to navigate when wearing KEEN Stingray water shoes. Quick-dry water- and abrasionresistant uppers feel like a second skin.

keenfootwear.com

Black Diamond Spot 350 Headlamp

For multi-use camping, around the house and outdoor adventures the Spot 350 offers an all-purpose beam as well as night vision. PowerTap Technology allows instant transitioning between full and dimmed power.

blackdiamondequipment.com

Herschel Twelve Hip Pack for Kids

Featuring a simple one-pocket design, the compact and adventureready Twelve hip pack can be worn around the waist or over the shoulder for ultimate versatility. Features the signature striped liner, zippered main compartment, adjustable strap and external name label.

herschel.ca

PARENTS’ GUIDE TO Choosing the Right School

UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD

The first step in choosing the right school is to determine what type of student your child is and what environment she will most likely succeed in.

“Before thinking about the features of any particular school, begin by looking at your child’s needs, strengths and overall personality,” explains educational consultant Judy Winberg.

To better understand your child’s learning needs, consider turning to an educational psychologist for help.

“If you’re looking for a psychologist to provide an evaluation or aren’t sure if this is what your child needs, consider asking your pediatrician for help,” advises Elaine Danson,

educational consultant and former principal. The psychological assessment can provide an unbiased look at your child’s strengths, weaknesses and abilities.

TIP: Just because you went to a particular school or type of school doesn’t mean it’s right for your child. Always consider the specific needs of the child.

MAKE A LIST

Armed with a better understanding of your child, the next step is to evaluate both the child’s needs and the needs of your family.

Do you want a school with small classes? gender inclusive? Transitional programs to bring students up to speed?

Other factors to consider include your child’s interests and talents and what co-curricular activities are available to address these; the values—religious or otherwise—of the school and how they mesh with the family’s values; and the educational tools (for example, technology) that are used in the classroom.

“Think about what’s working in your child’s current school and what’s not working,” Danson says. “Is there anything the child wishes he could do in school but hasn’t been able to?”

TIP: It’s not selfish to consider your own needs during this process. This can include how far you’re willing to drive to get your child to school each day.

BEGIN EVALUATING SCHOOLS

Now it’s time to look at specific schools to see what they have to offer. Many parents begin by visiting school fairs and using school guides and websites, which provide an overview of what’s available and accessible to them.

Other forms of research often include speaking with fellow parents. But Winberg advises that what other parents say about a school should not necessarily be one of your deciding factors.

“Just because one child had a positive or negative experience does not mean your child—a totally different human being—will have the same experience.”

Winberg also encourages parents to think beyond school rankings such as those conducted by the Fraser Institute.

“Parents will often say to me, ‘But that school didn’t have a good rating,’ and what I ask them is, ‘What else do you know about the school?’” In isolation, she says, these ratings are not particularly useful.

TIP: Most schools have comprehensive websites, which are often good places to search for information.

THE 411 ON APPLYING

From the secrets to successful applications to interview tips, find out about applying to schools.

Visit potential schools. Once you’ve come up with a shortlist of schools, you’re ready to begin touring. The admissions department is typically your point of contact at this stage. Most schools offer tours of some sort to help get families better acquainted with their programs and environment.

“The school visit is the chance to establish what the parent and student’s wishes and expectations are of the

school, and what the school’s expectations are of the students,” says Cathy Lee, director of admissions at Bodewell High School in North Vancouver. “Then we look for a match.”

Carefully observe the students, teachers and parents at the school during your visit, Winberg suggests.

“When you’re inside the school, look into the classrooms to see if the kids look engaged. Are they talking with one another, or is the teacher sitting behind the desk while the kids work?” Winberg says. “Check out the culture of the parking lot. What are the other parents like? Do they seem open and welcoming? Is this a community you can imagine being part of?”

Other questions to ask during this time, according to Danson, include what type of parent-teacher communication exists at the school, what qualifications the teachers have (especially if your child has special needs), how financially stable the school is, and whether the administration has changed hands a number of times or if there has been consistent leadership at the school.

This is your chance to ask questions, so don’t be shy. After all, your child will be spending five days a week here, so you want to be sure you understand the philosophy and the policies before you make a choice.

“It really does come down to happiness,” Winberg says. “If the child is happy, there’s a much better chance that he or she will be successful no matter what the curriculum is.”

TIP: Make sure your child spends some time in each school you’re considering before you make a final decision.

INVOLVE YOUR CHILD IN THE DECISION

The final decision ultimately comes down to both the parents and the child.

“In the end, parents need to listen to their kids and trust their own gut instincts,” Winberg says. “Can you envision your child being successful at this school? Does it feel right? If so, go for it.”

Our Kids Media is Canada’s Trusted Source for families who are looking for the best learning and living experiences for their children, themselves and their parents. ourkidsmedia. com

The Benefits of Forest & Nature Schools

Do kids today get outside as much as you did as a child? Research says, “no.” Free play has also taken a backseat to organized activities, a focus on academic outcomes, increased screen-time, and a riskadverse culture. Yet, Maria Brussoni, a professor at the University of British Columbia and BC Children’s Hospital, points to the power of play in nature. Specifically, the importance of outdoor risky play for children’s healthy development. Dr. Deborah MacNamara, a Clinical Counsellor and Developmentalist, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and bestselling author, values true play because it’s where: 1) a child’s self can safely emerge, 2) problem solving networks are programmed, and 3) emotion can be expressed without repercussions.

Forest school to the rescue!

What is Forest and Nature School?

It’s been around since the fifties, rooted in Denmark and Sweden. Newer to Canada, Forest and Nature School (FNS) is the term offered by Forest School Canada, an education initiative of the Child and Nature Alliance of Canada.

It can be full- or part-time learning and exploration in local parks, green spaces (forests and beaches), urban or rural, or an outdoor classroom. Some programs have their own land while others are adding time on farms, too. Programs run one to three days a week for ages three (preschool) to Grade 12 (B.C. Curriculum can be delivered outdoors)! The FNS formula relies on regular and repeated access to the same nature area throughout the seasons. Core values include play- and inquiry-based learning, experiential learning, risky play, and often child-centred or child-led activities. FNS aims to help children understand that we are not separate from the Earth or each other. “A forest and nature school program uses nature as the teacher

and the classroom” shares Bonnie Davison, Founder of the Victoria Nature School Society is an Education Consultant and Forest School Practitioner.

Benefits of time in nature

Increases positive environment attitudes in adult life.

“Provides kids with opportunities for selfreflection (e.g., sit spots) and connection while deepening a relationship with oneself.”

Danika Surm, EPIC Seed Community Member.

Spiritual well-being increases due to a sense of connectedness, a sense of purpose, a sense of awe, wonder and inspiration.

Makes space for gratitude rituals which enhance our resilience and ability to face challenges.

Decreases the occurrence and frequency of time off for ill health! Jarrett Krentzel, Founder and Director of Hand-In-Hand Nature Education Inc. confirms, “Our forest friends are sick less due to breathing fresh air and moving their bodies through the transition of seasons. They sleep and eat better because they are exceeding their body’s physical literacy needs. Forest friends are able to self-regulate for their is time and space for them to process their emotions in a positive and nurturing environment.”

A place to embrace risky play. Maria Brussoni shares that kids will: 1) know how the world and their body works, 2) develop selfconfidence, and 3) build resilience, executive functioning and risk management skills.

What can parents expect?

An increase in laundry! Rituals and rythms are valued as well as tide pool exploration,

mud pie making and playing with loose parts. A child’s enjoyment, safety, and comfort can depend on good gear like waterproof, windproof and breathable layers. Waterproof mitts and insulated boots are key.

GEAR TIPS:

Red provides the greatest contrast.

Two-piece rain gear is preferable to onepiece for toileting.

A comfortable backpack needs a chest strap and waterproof cover.

Ratios for three to five-year-olds may be 1:6 (Island Health regulations for preschools are 1:8). Victoria Nature School has three educators with a maximum of 16 students while EPIC Learning Centre (K-2) has two educators for 12 to15 students. Ask for a programs’ risk management plan—policies and procedures to mitigate risks and hazards from dog bite prevention to a lost child.

Note: Early Years Nature Programs that only operate outside cannot become licensed. Island Health only licensees indoor facilities and not the program itself. Unlicensed programs do not qualify for subsidy and support workers.

What can kids expect?

Rain, shine or snow, kids play outdoors. Preschool age may be outside three or more hours a day while school-aged (five and up), can expect a minimum of four hours. Wind warnings may bring nature schoolers inside, due to risks of falling trees and limbs.

Most programs have access to public washrooms. Others may carry a portable forest toilet. Jarrett Krentzel, Founder and Director of Hand-In-Hand Nature Education Inc. shares, “The forest toilet is only used by our

Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator, naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist, mentor and dedicated mother of two. She’s a cofounder and Director at EPIC Learning Centre nature school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram and Facebook.

forest friends and a hand washing station accompanies it.” When forest pees are required, leave no trace is practiced.

What makes a FNS educator?

They love the outdoors, own rain pants and may be trained in:

Forest School Practitioners Training (childnature.ca/forest-school-canada)

Child and Nature Alliance Practitioner’s Course

Coyote Mentoring or 8-shield based mentoring (see thrivingroots.org and/or Wilderness Awareness School, Washington State wildernessawareness.org)

Workshops by Victoria Nature School (victorianatureschool.com), Fresh Air Learning, North Vancouver (freshairlearning.org) or Soaring Eagle Nature School, North Vancouver (soaringeaglenatureschool.org)

Wilderness First Aid

Educators trust in a child’s curiosity, they preserve fun and help to cultivate empathy and emotional intelligence.

How to find a FNS

A BC list: childnature.ca/about-forest-andnature-school.

Search Google or Facebook. Check local community centres. Check programming at nature sanctuaries. Start your own (like I did!).

We all need to be affected by our world. Help children in your life develop the grounding they’ll need by finding rest and play in our natural world. Being in nature takes you out of yourself and can help stop our profound disconnection with the Earth, oneself and one another.

Learn more about FNS in Canada: childnature.ca/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/FSCGuide-1.pdf

& Independent Schools Education Guide

Independent School Directory

School for Science and Technology (VISST) is Vancouver’s first and only STEM high

offering the full BC curriculum with accelerated and enriched STEM including computer science

At Rothewood Academy our passion and belief is to help the individual child embrace their inquisitiveness and creativity through play based and natural learning environments.

Regent

Rothewood

Rothewood

At

our passion and belief is to help the individual child embrace their inquisitiveness and creativity through play based and natural learning environments.

SMUS is an international day and boarding school known for its excellence in academics, arts, athletics and outdoor education, with a focus on character development and preparing students for life.

At Rothewood Academy our passion and belief is to help the individual child embrace their inquisitiveness and creativity through play based and natural learning environments.

Relax INTO 2023

My New Year’s resolution?

It’s been to relax into parenthood more—but that can be easier said than done.

It’s true that most of us crave routine and desire a tidy house, but when I look back through my holiday memories, it’s not the perfectly-clean spaces or the kids asleep on schedule that stands out for me.

It’s that time I nearly lost it over the overstimulation of another art explosion, but instead, quite literally, dropped to my knees and surrendered to the mess. To make light of a chaotic situation, I painted my kids’ faces and let them paint mine. The colossal disarray grew but rather than stressing about what would have to be cleaned up afterwards, I leaned into laughing with them and creating memories that I will cherish forever.

It’s also every time we let their sleep-resisting cries back into our bed for a few more minutes of happy cuddles. Though we are exhausted and in desperate need of alone time too, I know these fleeting, dependant-upon-usyears are passing by too quickly—so I may as well ease into enjoying the unpredictably-beautiful ride.

But, that can be easier said than done.

There seems an unspoken expectation to let the chaos of days’ end stay hot and flow everywhere.

To be that gentle parenting housewife and just get it all done—on repeat.

When I walk away and take a break, I’m learning that it’s my mindful right to turn the intensity down and let it simmer, yet these torturous feelings of guilt tend to seep in unexpectedly.

It’s hard not to feel like other mums are managing much better than me—and maybe they are.

SPOTLIGHT ON LOCAL PRESCHOOLS

LICENSED PRESCHOOL

Play based learning in a warm and nurturing environment.

surrey.ca/preschool | 604-501-5100

We provide programs that enable children to grow mentally, emotionally and socially. Most programs are presented through play, music and movement.

The reality is though, it’s all relative.

My limits aren’t the same as anyone else’s and I need to protect my peace and respect my parenting evolution. I’m immersed in the pressure of my own motherhood and wear it like a weighted suit in the ocean, coming up for air and breathing in the warm sunshine of family, learning to enjoy that swim.

The fulfilment of our busy home is how I always pictured a loving family to be, and yet I feel immensely worn with the tick-tock of time aging and rocking me in an unsteady boat, a boat that is truly unique to our tumultuous seas.

So let’s stop assuming how others carry on.

Let’s tear out this narrative that others are managing better because truly, we’re all just surviving, floating around in this unprecedented time of high pressure and uncertainty.

Let’s try and enjoy the creative mess and these precious, impressionable years with our little ones.

For 2023, let’s relax into this balancing act of parenthood.

Natasha Mills is a twin mom of three residing on the Vancouver Island for nearly 30 years. She has found a creative outlet in documenting the real moments of parenthood—the relatable highs and challenging lows. She has also found a passion in writing her experience of motherhood and connecting with many like-minded parents in her community and abroad. @mommamillsblog

Parenting with Presence

“Me first!” “I want more!” “Those are mine!” are all the normal expressions of a child who hasn’t yet developed empathy or diplomacy.

Children are naturally egocentric; if there’s only one piece of pie left, they’ll grab it. If your daughter is having fun on the swing set, she’s going to resent giving it up to another child waiting for a turn. That doesn’t mean she’s selfish; it just means she’s behaving like a child. A parent’s uncritical guidance helps young ones learn the basics of showing concern about the wishes and needs of others.

There is no better way to teach good manners than to demonstrate them day in and day out in the presence of your children.

For instance, at mealtimes ensure that no one begins eating until everyone has been seated and served. If your kids forget, let them know that you understand that they’re hungry, while model-

ing patience as others dish up their food before you pick up your fork.

Help your children learn to share and take turns when they have a friend come over to play. Explain that you know it is hard to wait for a turn on the piano or to leave the bigger piece of cake for someone else, but that in your home, guests are treated with special care.

Teach your children how to introduce people. “Ms. Norris, I would like you to meet my cousin Joey” or “Grandpa, this is my friend Elsa.” Make friendly greeting rituals part of the way you welcome guests into your home. Show your children how to make eye contact while offering a handshake to an arriving guest—or a hug, if appropriate and comfortable for your child.

Part of having good manners is acknowledging another person’s feelings. When you show your children what it looks like to be accountable for an oversight or an inconsiderate remark, they will follow your lead. If you offend some-

one, let your kids hear you apologize, without justifying your behavior. Finally, make sure your youngsters know how to receive a compliment. “Thank you for that” is a simple, gracious way to take in someone’s kind words and is much healthier than deflecting them.

And don’t save good manners for when company is around or those times when you’re out in public. Children smell hypocrisy a mile away. Use those magic words—please and thank you—authentically when you speak with your loved ones. Peggy O’Mara, founder of Mothering magazine said, “Be careful how you speak to your children. One day, it will become their inner voice.”

Children develop civility, thoughtfulness and a considerate nature when they grow up in the midst of caring and respectful behavior.

Acknowledge when your children exhibit good manners, and gently correct them when they forget. Don’t expect them to behave perfectly, and make sure to factor in their developmental

stage as you set expectations for their behavior.

And if you have a child with a developmental challenge or psychological issue, don’t succumb to the guilt and shame that often show up when you imagine that others are judging you for your children’s awkwardness or shortcomings. Get the loving support you need so that you know that your best is more than good enough, regardless of how your children behave.

Avoid creating power struggles about manners, especially with your teens. Trying to force a child to apologize or be polite will only backfire. With patience and loving guidance, your children will become the kind of people who are respectful of others. Ultimately, that’s what good manners are all about.

Excerpted from Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids by Susan Stiffelman. Stiffelman is a marriage and family therapist, a teacher and a licensed psychotherapist.

With the worst of the winter weather behind us—we hope!—it’s time to come out of hibernation and get ready for spring! And with the Family Day long weekend in February and Spring Break not long after that, we’ll have time to fit in some fun!

Don’t Miss the Ocean Festival

February 3 & 4

impac5.ca/ocean-festival

A free two-day, all-ages festival celebrating the ocean featuring Alan Doyle, The Beaches, Steven Page, and more is coming to Jack Poole Plaza February 3–4. The Ocean Festival, presented by the Fifth International Marine Protected Areas Congress, will feature live music, art, films, storytelling, interactive displays and activities to connect people in Canada to the vibrant marine wildlife and ecosystems of the Arctic, Atlantic and Pacific coasts, and raise awareness about the importance of protecting the global ocean for generations to come. Children of all ages will be entertained and delighted by several interactive activity tents and photo ops.

Check Out BrickCan

April 22 & 23

brickcan.com

The BrickCan exhibition, featuring original exhibits built with LEGO bricks, is coming back to the River Rock Show Theatre in Richmond this April. More than 200 builders will be showing their never-before seen models for this one weekend only—come see these amazing creations before they are gone forever and rebuilt into something new. BrickCan is a “must see” event and a real hit for families. Attendees can shop during their scheduled viewing times at a variety of vendors selling LEGO-themed books, clothing, jewellery and artwork, as well as rare LEGO sets and pieces. Tickets for a 2-hour exhibit viewing session are available now at brickcan. com or through TicketMaster. Please note that strollers and wagons are not permitted in the exhibit hall, due to space constraints. The exhibition hall is fully wheelchair accessible.

&Tweens Teens

My Teenage Man-Child

Sex-Positive Parenting Get a Job

Sex-Positive Parenting A

re you still recovering from your own cringe-able experiences with sexual health education from your youth?

My less-than-ideal experience wasn’t a product of family discussions but rather from my only—as in singular!— sex education session in high school. I was in grade 9 and the facilitator was, based on her rigid body, red face and lack of eye contact, clearly uncomfortable discussing sexuality. Twenty plus years later, I am still trying to unsee those graphic images of what the nurse called “Venereal Disease/VD” or as we call them now, Sexually Transmitted Infections.

Among the not so silent screams of my peers, there was a very clear message that sex was scary and something to be feared. Cue the horror music and the obvious message that our typical teenage sexual curiosity was somehow wrong or shameful. This is now what I refer to as “fear factor education” and that we, in the sexuality education field, now formally refer to as a sex-negative approach.

My 20 years of experience as a sexual health educator and 40+ years as a life learner have taught me that this approach limits everyone’s capacity to understand human sexuality.

It denies the right of youth to develop their sexuality in a respectful, affirming and honest way. Countless research reports from across the globe back this up and prove that open and ongoing dialogue about sexuality becomes a protective factor in sexual decision making. If we as parents and adult allies give our youth honest, accurate information and we support them in their decision making with resources and a sex-positive approach, they are more likely to engage in consensual, respectful and satisfying experiences with sexuality.

What exactly is a sex-positive approach?

A sex-positive approach means that we intentionally root and develop our understandings of sexuality with curiosity and positivity and the belief that sexuality has the potential to be affirming and empowering at all stages of our lives including adolescence. What then does being a sex-positive parent mean? Does it mean buying your teenager an endless supply of condoms and allowing their partner to sleepover?

In my experience as a sexual health educator, the foundation of sex-positive parenting is to develop an approach that specifically works for your family values, beliefs and practices

through a series of open, honest conversations throughout their adolescence. Being a sex-positive family means we share the core value that sexuality is a natural, healthy and positive part of the human experience and that each person has the right to make choices about what that experience will look and feel like for themselves. It means acknowledging that the majority of our children will grow into adults who become sexually active with a partner and we commit to support them through this process with accurate information, resources and unconditional affirmation and spectrum of their sexual identity.

Sounds simple, right?

If this feels like really BIG life stuff and overwhelming to you, steady on because my experiences with youth and their adult allies tells me that we are doing a better job of this than we often give ourselves credit for.

In case you feel like you need some direction, here are seven ingredients for your sex-positive to-do list as a parent/ family/adult ally:

1. Reflect on your own experiences with sexuality conversations as a youth. Thinking back helps remind us of what worked for us, what was missing and what we as adults would like to do differently for our youth.

2. Ask yourself “What are the most important and valuable messages about sexuality that you want your youth to receive?” and then ask your youth “What are the most important and valuable messages you think youth should hear from adults?” These questions are at the root of sex-positive families; they help us to remain aware of everyone’s values, beliefs, and needs and practice empathy.

3. Remind your adult self and your youth that sexuality (however that spectrum is personally defined) has the potential to be affirming and empowering experiences throughout a person’s life when boundaries, respect and expectations are clear. This reminder helps to frame all conversations in a positive light, prevent our conversations from becoming a fear factor list and be open about our personal values and rules as a family.

4. Affirm consent as a non-negotiable basis of all healthy, positive relationships. Help your youth talk openly and comfortably about how they feel and how to ask for what they want and need in all life situations. Strategize ways to accept situations when we don’t receive what we want, need or ask for. Being aware of what a person wants is as important as knowing what they don’t want in a sexual situation. We must be prepared to support our youth around shared responsibility in knowing how to say and hear yes or no from a partner (current or future).

5. Include pleasure (physical and emotional) in your conversations at every opportunity. Youth often ask me why adults are so negative about sex and embarrassed about the fact that sex can feel good? I remember one youth saying to me

“If sex is really as scary as adults make it out to be, why do many people want to do it?” Great question! Talk about how pleasure is more than they physical side of sex; connect pleasure to feeling confident in decisions, valued in relationships and knowing what feels pleasurable for their own bodies with and/or without a partner. Also let youth know that it they don’t feel like sex could be emotionally and physically pleasurable, that’s cool too!

6. Utilize the expertise of youth to help you stay current on today’s sexuality topics: spectrums of gender identity; sexual and romantic orientation and consent are areas that many youth are extremely well educated and passionate about. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of asking what your youth think. This helps you to share the knowledge and power in sexuality education and builds trust and intimacy in your relationship.

7. Supply resources for youth based on their needs. Are they exploring or questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation? Do they have “a friend” who is in need of safer sex supplies and/or birth control methods? Connect them with your greater community: youth drop in groups, local sexual health or youth clinics. Consider getting safer sex methods (condoms, dams, gloves, lube) and keeping them somewhere they could access them if that fits with your family. Would it be helpful to have a book about sexuality? A current favourite book with the youth I work with is s.e.x. by Heather Corinna. This is a great way to provide youth with accurate and relevant information to grow their knowledge in a safe and respectful way.

So when you think about having sexuality conversations with your youth, try to think of it as a list of dos not a list of don’ts. Communicating about sexuality with youth can feel overwhelming and may cause us to either avoid the topic or minimize the conversations into a very specific and scary don’t list. These big life conversations aren’t always as easy or comfortable as they could be but the more you actually talk about it; the more comfortable it becomes and the more likely you’ll become more sex positive and your youth will make positive choices. As a bonus, it may help to make those memories from your own youth a little less cringe-able.

Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as “The Sex Lady”— for close to 20 years in Greater Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth and adults she is lucky to educate and learn with through her job as the Coordinator of Community Education at Island Sexual Health. She’s passionate about making sexuality education as positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.

BODY IMAGE

What does your tween or teen see when they look at a photo of themselves or look in the mirror? What beliefs do they have about themselves based on the way their body looks? Our beliefs and attitudes about our body shape, weight and size can affect the way we behave. They may change the way we eat and exercise and that can impact our health and well-being. Body image can be shaped by internal factors, such as personality and by external factors, such as our life experiences or culture.

Positive body image means you are comfortable in your body and the way it is naturally. You know that who you are as a person has little to do with your appearance. Your worth as a person is not tied to your body weight, shape, size or features.

Negative body image is also known as body dissatisfaction. You feel like your body weight, shape, size or features are flawed. You may believe you are less than others when you compare yourself to them. If you are unhappy with your body, you may have feelings of shame and low self-esteem.

Signs of negative body image may include if your child: Checks their body often (looks at their appearance, pinching skin, measuring body parts).

Avoids places or situations where their body is exposed (for example: swimming).

Spends a lot of time and effort on their appearance (hair, make-up). Thinks a lot about how they look or how they could change their appearance.

Compares themselves to others too much.

Greatly desires to change their body weight, shape, size or features. Thinks and says negative things about their body.

A negative body image can exhaust and isolate a person. Those with body image concerns are more likely to have mental health concerns, and/or develop an eating disorder.

Positive and negative body images are at opposite ends of the spectrum. You can be anywhere on the spectrum and how you feel can change from day to day or even hour to hour. Body image has different ways of showing up.

What can contribute to negative body image?

We all go through experiences that can negatively impact our body image regardless of our age, gender, and background. We are not born disliking our bodies, but body image concerns can start early in life and continue over the years. Different factors can lead to negative body image. One or more of the factors that can affect you include:

Going through puberty. Puberty is a time when a lot of change can happen to things like weight, size, shape and hair growth. It is absolutely normal for bodies to change as we mature, but it can take some time for kids to get used to. And it may not be what they expect.

Going on a diet. There are so many diets and trends it’s hard to know what information is true or could be harmful. Going on diets can build up negative feelings about food and increase how much we focus on our bodies.

Sports or activities that may emphasize certain body weight or size like modeling, ballet and wrestling. If your tween or teen feels like they have to fit a certain body standard it can add pressure to change their body. Athletes that play sports that focus on leanness are more at risk of disordered eating.

Comments about weight and appearance. We are all affected by the people we spend time with. The way someone talks about their body or your child’s body can influence the way they focus on and look at

their own body. Even comments meant as compliments such as, “you look like you have lost weight” can contribute to negative body image or harmful behaviours.

Being bullied or teased. A bully may say or spread hurtful things about your child’s weight or appearance which may impact how they feel about themself. Bullying is serious and not acceptable. It is the repeated attempt to scare, hurt or intimidate another person.

Society’s or culture’s image of the “ideal” body. You may experience different triggers and pressures depending on the society or culture you grew up in. Some people may feel pressure to be thin while others may feel pressure to have muscles. You may feel pressure to have a different hair type, skin colour or facial features. These pressures can affect our body image and make it difficult to love or appreciate our body as it is, especially if it doesn’t fit society’s ideal.

What can contribute to positive body image?

It’s important to be comfortable in our bodies. It helps us feel more confident, take better care of ourselves and support our overall wellbeing. No matter where your child is on the above spectrum, they can move towards or maintain a more positive body image. Some helpful factors include if they:

Recognize and take care of their whole self. Encourage them to think about all the wonderful qualities that make them who they are—their personality, experiences and abilities. Their appearance and weight do not determine their self-worth. Remind them to pay attention to what their body is telling them and what it needs. They should eat foods that they enjoy, move their body in ways that feel good, take deep breaths, and get enough rest.

Encourage your kids to choose to be with people who love and support them as they are, and to spend time with people who don’t make them question their own worth or body confidence. They deserve to be accepted and celebrated as they are.

Teach them to practice being kind to themselves. We all have an inner voice that can be both kind and critical. Try to help them develop habits that will improve the way they think and feel about their body. Encourage them to take time to explore and express themselves in ways that feel true to them, to be themselves and to notice what they are grateful for about themselves. It can help them feel better in their own skin.

Challenge the media messages they receive. Look carefully at and be critical of the media as it often shows images that are highly edited and not realistic.

Remind them of what their body can do. Our bodies continue to grow and change during our lifetime. It can help to think about what your body can do rather than how it looks. How does it support you to take part in activities that make you happy? How does it adapt?

What you can do if your tween or teen is experiencing body image concerns?

It is possible to deal with body image concerns when they are recognized early on. Remind your child that they are not alone in these struggles. Talk to them about how they are feeling. And if need be, get in touch with a health professional. Reach out to a counsellor, doctor or psychiatrist for help getting started on what kind of support your child needs.

The Foundry is a province-wide network of integrated health and wellness services for young people ages 12–24. Access five core services in one convenient location: mental health care, substance use services, physical and sexual health care, youth and family peer supports and social services. foundrybc.ca

6

3 Fun Weeks

1 Giant Screen

Get a Job!

Get a job! It’s a command we lob at teenagers with some regularity, particularly when the sofa cushions are starting to fray from overuse. Your teen may be equally eager to start earning money and gain the freedom that comes with it. But with no experience writing a resume or networking, she may need a little help.

Before the job searching gets underway, you’ll want to sit down together to set some parameters. Youth may legally work in British Columbia from the age of 15 without the consent of a guardian. But while your teen is still in school, there are certain factors that a parent will want to consider:

How many hours can your child devote to a job and still keep up with school assignments? Most employment counsellors recommend no more than 4 hours a day on school days and no more than 20 hours in a week when school is in session.

What kind of work suits your child? While serving up Blizzards at Dairy Queen may seem like a breeze to your teen, you’ll want to have an honest conversation about the realities of work in a fast-food joint, including the less savoury tasks like cleaning the washrooms. Food service and retail are sectors which tend to have the most part-time work fit for a teen, but don’t overlook rec centres and tourist attrac-

tions. Consider offices too, where basic admin tasks can be filled by entry-level, part-time workers.

How will your child get to and from work? If your child is not yet driving, will he be able to walk or bike to work? Public transportation is great, but be sure to evaluate the impact of the commute on your teen’s schedule. Early morning or late evening travel may compromise things like breakfast or homework.

Now that you’ve got some guidelines, it’s time to gather round the laptop and start applying. Right? Yes and no. It’s a good idea to see what sectors and businesses are hiring by exploring websites like workbc.ca, craigslist.ca, indeed.ca and monster.ca. But even mid-career

job seekers have trouble standing out from the hundreds of applicants who respond to these postings. If your teen’s resume is limited to babysitting gigs, it may be an exercise in futility.

Tap the Hidden Job Market

Encourage your child to inquire about employment opportunities with friends who are in the workforce already, as well as with your own adult contacts. Not all job openings are posted. They are filled via word of mouth. This hidden job market can be tapped best by making faceto-face connections. Send your kid out to retail establishments in the mall or downtown core with resume in hand.

Check with the School Counsellor

School guidance counsellors, teachers and coaches are also worth consulting. Many schools have staff devoted to helping students find that first job. These advisors can draw from an extensive database of employer contacts within the community. Once the student has proven himself to be reliable and hard-working, the employer may decide to hire.

Donate Your Time

You don’t have to dig very deep to find volunteer work in Vancouver. Contributing to the cause of a local non-profit will demonstrate your teen’s commitment to improving the community. Get inspired by browsing the postings at goodwork.ca, where organizations like WWOOF and Habitat for Humanity do their recruiting. Though most internships are reserved for postsecondary students, there are a few available to high school students, particularly over the summer. For example, BC Cancer Agency offers students in Grade 11 a chance to explore cancer research from the front lines.

Pad Your Resume

Whether the job requires a lab coat or a sturdy pair of work gloves, these kinds of experiences look great on a newlyminted resume. Other things to include are any awards your child has received, education, training or certifications (FOODSAFE, First Aid, etc.), and extracurricular activities like sports. All of these show your willingness to learn and cooperate with others. Don’t forget to include small jobs you may have done, like lawn care, pet sitting or child care. These exhibit your level of maturity and responsibility.

One of the most important skills your child will likely learn in her first job is perseverance. Most entry-level jobs come with a healthy dose of tedium, and you’ll thank yourself later if you in sist that Sally stick with it. A good work ethic is among the most sought after qualities in job applicants, regardless of the field. Excellent communication abilities and a willingness to learn are also in high demand. These can be just as important than previous work experience. Once in the new job, teens will have a chance to test those communication skills in fast-paced environments, think on their feet and creatively problem solve. These “soft skills” will carry them far into whatever work they pursue in the future.

Needless to say, no test of your teen’s grit should take priority over his schooling at this age. Discuss with your child the importance of keeping up with schoolwork and ask the school to contact you with any concerns that employment is negatively impacting your child’s grades or attendance. Most parents will also want to establish a means of communication with the employer, in the event of an emergency or unexplained absence.

Kate Wiley is a former editor of The LEAD Sheet, a newsletter distributed by WorkBC Employment Services Centres. She also produces stories for CBC Radio.

My Teenage Man-Child

Two days before my oldest son’s twelfth birthday, he woke up grouchy. This was unusual, for this child had always woken up with a smile, ready to conquer the world. He slumped on the couch and grumbled good morning. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I’m bored.” He replied. “How can you be bored? You just woke up!” He then proceeded with a long list of complaints, spoken in a voice that beseeched his minimal tolerance for this day. “This house sucks. My room sucks. I don’t want to have a shower. Showering sucks.” To which I calmly replied, “Maybe you should try to get some more sleep.” “Sleeping sucks!” he countered. “It is such a waste of my time!”

I didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity of the situation or to be horrified at this sudden attitude change. Up until that point, people had always commented how bright, friendly and charming this boy was. Where did that kid go? Who is this new child, with his body draped over my couch, hating life? It was two days before his twelfth birthday. Yep, it’s like clockwork. Adolescence had arrived.

The lovely and kind version of my son reappeared eventually, (hallelujah!) but I sensed a pending change in our relationship lingering not so far on the horizon. So I rushed to the bookstore and immersed myself in parenting books that discussed this strange new phenomenon: adolescence. Yikes! While everything I read made sense, in the logical part of my brain, the emotional side began to panic. I’m not ready for this!

The resounding advice was this: You have dedicated 12 years of parenting and have provided your child with guidance, values and life skills. Now it is time to step back and let him practice everything you have instilled.

Step back? Loosen control? Let him walk through life without me right beside him? Terrifying.

Let me elaborate. I have taught my son to be kind. To work hard. To show respect. I have encouraged him to have an opinion and to solve problems with fairness. I have taught him to own his actions, to learn from his mistakes and to apologize, when necessary. I have taught him to look both ways before crossing the road. To include others. To reserve judgment. Now, I need to trust in those skills, in my good parenting, and in my son. I need to provide independence and autonomy.

“Parent” may not even be the right word for my current role. For you, my son, I am a guide, here to support and offer direction, when needed. I am a safe haven, someone who will listen and tell you that everything will be alright. I am a boundary, when you need one. I am a sounding board. I am someone who will have your back and help you when you need. I am the beacon of light who will always bring you back to the right path when you have strayed. And, I am still your chauffeur. (A driver’s license seems like the next big perk, for both of us!) It is not my job to solve all of your problems any-

more. It is not my job to make your decisions. I cannot make your choices. However, I will always be your mom.

Truthfully, I struggle with this new role, from time to time. Sometimes, I feel irrelevant, rejected when you don’t want to spend time with me. (But that’s my journey to travel, not yours.) We are both learning and changing. Growing together.

My son fluctuates between moments of pure adolescence and moments when I still see the child in him. He will tune out the world by putting in his earbuds and jamming on his guitar. Then, in the next minute, he will be playing with Hotwheels cars on the floor with his younger brother. He will venture farther into the world, having adventures without me. Then he will ask me to kiss him and tuck him into bed at night. For now, he is a wonderfully strange juxtaposition of man and child. I am proud of the man he is becoming and I cherish the boy who still resides in my heart.

Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author and an educator. More importantly, she is the proud parent of two amazing sons. Visit kellycleeve. com or follow her on Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook, Raising Resilient Children/ Radiant and Resilient.

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