How to win the college rat race

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN applying to college? If so, you may be wondering what the process looks like. Here’s how to successfully navigate college applications in seven easy steps.

1) Do your research

Where to start? Many begin with a sense of dread and despair, followed by college research. Start broad, such as reviewing the over 4,000 higher-education institutions in the United States. Are you looking for a two-year college? Four-year? Community college? Vocational school? Don’t forget about the thousands more outside the country! For a truly thorough search, you may consider exploring nearby galaxies.

Then, narrow it down. Consider looking at only a few factors: academics, research opportunities, campus geography, facilities, clubs and organizations, school population, faculty-to-student ratio, school culture, student life, meal services, residences, weather, school safety, school values, school location and number of water fountains. Good luck!

2) Drown in mail

In life, we do the best to prepare ourselves for any hardships we anticipate. However, nothing will prepare you to face the onslaught of college mail you’ll receive. If you took the PSAT or filled out the Paly athletic clearance form, colleges will get their hands on your information, and somewhere among the vast data centers of the world your name will be added to a mailing list. The result is instantaneous: immediately, several thousand trees will be chopped down and sent to your doorstep. “Visit us,” they’ll say. “Learn more about our great facilities,” they’ll say. “Apply today, succeed tomorrow.”

Just like Harry Potter and the Dursleys, you too will want to flee to a wooden shack off the coast of England to escape the letters. Lucky for you, it’s not just mail.

Search one college on Google, and you’ll start seeing colleges all around you. In social media ads. On YouTube. In recommended news. You’ll hear college names whispered in the wind. They’ll wash up in bottles on the beach. The stars themselves will crawl across the sky, urging you to apply now. It’s all very magical.

3) Make a list

Now that you’ve acquired enough reading material to rival those Schoology notification emails, start building a list of colleges you’d like to attend. A good list will have anywhere between one and 431,897.3 schools. Try to find the perfect match. The school must be a fit for you. You must be a fit for the school. Together, the two of you should form a bond stronger than milk and cereal, stronger than hydrogen and oxygen, stronger than Zoom and “your internet connection is unstable.” The two of you must be destiny. Make sure to articulate this special sentiment to every school you apply to, later in step 5.

Found a college that you like? Write it down on a spreadsheet or other list. Make sure to include notes on every single thought that enters your brain. You’ll love how confusing it gets: navigating your spreadsheet will be almost as hard as navigating the application process itself.

Figure 2

4) Begin applications want to come in, open open open open, size gold artifact or the equivalent in silver.

If you’re all settled on your college list, ooo-pen up,” the Little Einsteins sing in With that money, you could cure cancer, then let’s start applying! There are several one episode as a request for access to an solve global warming and buy one of those admission tracks that are typically available: Egyptian pyramid. Colleges will be chant- 12-foot skeletons with a bit left over. But Early Decision, Early Action, Early Premo- ing the same tune as they see how many why do that when you can pay schools you nition, Early Decision II, Early Bird Gets supplemental essays they can squeeze into might not even attend? the Worm and Regular Decision. These your applications. Look carefully! For correspond to different deadlines, so make your convenience, supplements are hidden You’re done! sure to keep track of the date, time and throughout the application form. This is a Congratulations, you’re done with moon phase that your applications are due great time to sharpen your “I Spy” skills. your applications! Now you can sit back, by. Overall, writ- relax and watch in terror as decisions trickle

While applica- Your head full of new ing essays is the most in. But don’t relax too much: colleges still tions vary, each in cludes a main appli - gray hairs may qualtime-consuming step. You’ll use a list of reexpect you to maintain an unrealistic GPA and exhaust yourself with extracurriculars. cation form: similar to ify you for a senior curring words that To those who have recently made it a multiple choice test, but you shouldn’t be citizen discount the you’ll never want to see again, including across the finish line, nice job! Never look back. To the juniors and those entering the guessing. Tip: when next time you visit a but not limited to: college application process, sorry. Just recreating an account for your applications, museum or theater. “community,” “passions,” “explore” and member that a bumper crop of resources, advising and support is available to you. make a new password “diverse.” Luckily, And with perseverance, determination and that you’ll never have to use again. Best to your head full of new gray hairs may quali- just a bit of the impossible, you’ll be all set avoid reliving any trauma. fy you for a senior citizen discount the next for several more years of math tests and time you visit a museum or theater. socratic seminars. May the odds be ever in 5) Write your youth away At this time, you may see schools mys- your favor. v

Many schools require a personal essay teriously disappear from your college list, and supplemental essay(s). You’ll come to especially schools with an abundance of relove these essays: nourish them with your quired essays. How strange. tears and frustrations.

Personal essay: show the school who 6) Delete your hard work you are! Be prepared to pour your heart, Finished writing and think you’re soul, and remaining sanity into a Google done? Think again. Each essay will come Doc. You’ll be sending this to complete with its very own word count, a phrase that strangers, so keep things as personal and will haunt you for the rest of your life. private as possible. Need some ideas? Take Whether the limit is 350 words or 900 a stroll down memory lane, then viciously characters or 247 stanzas, rest assured that exploit your childhood. Or condense your whatever you write will never be long or entire sense of self into one moment in short enough. Wrote a beautiful declaratime. When you’re done, you’ll have read tion of your identity? Crafted a profound your personal essay so many times that reflection on society? Too bad. With every you’ll be able to recite all 650 words from sentence cut out (which ruins the flow) memory, with accompanying hand gestures and every word combined (that shouldn’t and interpretive dance. be), a small piece of your soul will wither

Supplemental essay(s): “Open up, I away. But this loss of humanity is necessary to proceed: soon, you’ll be chopping paragraphs with reckless abandon. Consider it a superpower.

Figure 5 7) Empty your bank account Great, now it’s time to submit your applications! Whenever you’re ready, review the CVS Pharmacy receipt-length PDF, quintuple checking that everything is the way you want. Time to pay up! Your fee consists of your life savings + any coins you find on the ground + your left femur + one midFigure 7