rush to the doctor’s office to learn whether our
loss of a dream; my heart’s desire is to have my
bodily fluids were “hostile” to each other. We turned
husband’s child and raise it together.”
into pincushions, stuck with daily injections either to help me conceive or keep a pregnancy going.
I turned to the husband and addressed him. “And you?”
And we fought with our insurer, who lumped our heartbreak in the same category with tummy tucks.
He looked at her, then back at me. After hesitating a moment, he spoke to her gently, and stroked her
The emotional toll astonished us. “The depression
arm, “Don’t take this wrong, honey, but…” Then he
and anxiety experienced by infertile women are
looked at me. “It’s the loss of my wife – she is not
equivalent to that in women suffering from a
the same woman I married. Infertility is really
terminal illness,” says Alice Domar, Ph.D., director
taking a toll on us.”
of the Behavioral Medicine Program for Infertility at New England Deaconess Hospital in Boston. Why?
“You’re normal,” I assured them. After enduring a
We’re not talking about a new living room set here.
decade of infertility treatment that included multiple
We’re talking about a child – a child who might
pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an
make daisy chains, throw her arms around us, even
ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I had talked to
throw up on us. It’s not that we were “stuck on
numerous couples. And I recognised their stress,
genetics,” as some accused.
which – though different in each couple’s case – was still a normal response to an abnormal experience.
The idea of conceiving a child as the product of two people’s love is a precious dream, and a deep
When empty arms are a heavy burden
longing. Thus, what a comfort it often is for couples
I always hesitate to tell our “sad story” because
to discover Proverbs 30:16, which tells us that a
I don’t like to engage in what I call the Suffering
“barren womb” is among four things on earth that
Olympics – going for the gold in competing over who’s hurt the most. Many people
are never satisfied. The intense desire to have children is part of the way God structured the world. The drive, the longing, that “unsatisfied” feeling – these are part of the design.
The intense desire to have children is part of the way God structured the world.
Why does it hurt so much?
have endured much worse. Yet during that decade (which ended – thank God! – in the miracle of a successful adoption) the Lord taught us these and a few other things that helped us:
A couple sat to eat lunch with me after I had spoken at an infertility symposium. As
Infertility involves a normal grief process. The
we began to talk, I asked the wife, “When you grieve
loss is intangible, but it is real. First there’s denial.
over your infertility, what is your greatest loss?”
One woman insisted, “I’m not infertile; I’m just having trouble getting pregnant!” Other responses
She didn’t have to think about her answer. “It’s the
include crying, bargaining, depression, anger,
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