VOLUME XXII ISSUE IV
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SATIRISE - ONLY 47P!
DANIEL O’DONNELL
“FOR ME, MUSIC IS ALL ABOUT THE SINCERITY, AND ME MAMMY” PAGE 3 This week LIBROCOP FURY AT ‘PLEASE TALK’ CAMPAIGN NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR 24-HOUR BANKING, MAN CLAIMS IRISH COW MANAGEMENT - IN A ‘FIELD OF ITS OWN’ FUNERAL OF STRICT VEGAN TO BE HELD, BIG TURN-UP EXPECTED LOW FRENCH BIRTH RATES ATTRIBUTED TO ‘HAIRY ARMPITS’ CLOUDS SPOTTED OVER UCD. REPORTS OF SILVER LINING DEEMED PREMATURE
Mills legless due to woodworm Heather Mills has cut short her celebrations to have her leg treated for woodworm. Unlucky Heather Mills, the ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, may have acquired large amounts of money recently but she has been left legless once again. Heather was first alerted to the woodworm infestation when she noticed sawdust on the floor whenever she took a step. “It has been a nightmare cleaning up after her every move. I have to follow her around with a bloody dustpan and brush,” a disgruntled cleaner at Heather’s £3 million Peans Wood estate in Robertsbridge told the Turbine. Woodworm can be a serious
problem if left untreated so Ms Mills has called in the experts to mend her wood burrowing enemies. Tod Hasmear of Tod’s Dry Rot and Damp Proofing in Hastings, Kent told the Turbine that a chauffeur in a Rolls Royce delivered the leg to his treatment workshop and he diagnosed the woodworm species as Anobium punctatum which is “quite easy to treat”. A woodworm bug and the damage it can cause Robertsbridge residents are used to seeing Heather Mills hopping mad and legless but this really takes the biscuit. “It is good that she is getting her leg treated for woodworm
because her brain needs treatment for dry rot. Unfortunately she can’t see it, so no one says anything in front of her,” June Bellamy, 43, told the Turbine from her little village shop in Robertsbridge. It is quite a feat to be even more hated than Gordon Brown or even Brian Lenihan, but Heather Mills has completed this hurdle with apparent ease. Since nefariously acquiring lots of money from Paul McCartney, Heather has been doing the rounds and trying to raise her mucky reputation from the sewer. The ex-porn model has even been invited to stay in the Sunni Triangle in Baghdad Iraq because no one else wants her.
KKK to endorce Obama White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States of America. Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard exclaimed that “the choice is black and white, anything or anyone is better than having that "crazy ass bastard" as President. This is the first time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has ever publicly supported an African American candidate for the presidency. KKK lodges all over America have been gathering and holding rallies supporting the black presidential candidate. Grand Turk Cletus Monroe has also been very vocal about the elec-
tion and has donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund. “The boy’s gonna do it. My Klan group has donated up to $250,000 to the Obama fund. Anything is better than John McCain. Hell I’ll even adopt a black kid from Africa before I vote for McCain.” “A few years back we were lynching negroes. Now we’re gonna vote for one to be president of the US of motherfu**ing A, damn it! Anyone or anything is better than that McCain - anything!!” Placards for Barack Obama have been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK have announced a television ad campaign to support the African American candidate.