VOLUME XXII ISSUE VII
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SATIRISE - ONLY 47P!
GEORGE BUSH
LEAVES OFFICE CALLING FOR MORE FEET ON THE GROUND This week ASTROLOGERS DEEMED TO HAVE THEIR HEADS IN THE STARS NEW TENNIS RACQUETS TO COME WITH SERVING SUGGESTION AUDITOR OF SHY SOCIETY GETS VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE GEOGRAPHERS DETERMINE ‘NOT REALLY A LONG WAY’ TO TIPPERARY UCD PRESIDENT’S DEATH ATTRIBUTED TO ‘DESPERATE’ NEWSPAPER EDITOR
KAKA IS SH*T HOT Following Man City’s outlandish £500,000 a week offer for Kaka, the man himself has just discovered how marketable he really is and has begun selling is own excrement at what can only be described as infinite profit. A quick search on eBay will uncover a mountain of shit which the Brazilian is attempting to peddle, not to be confused with his Christian beliefs. At time of print one particular gem was ready to go for £2,500. The shit comes in a commemorative jar signed by the soccer wizard himself as well as a copy of Marketing for Dummies, presumably as in inside joke. But wait there’s more! If, however, Kaka was to move to Manchester City and end up receiving half a million pounds a week., the price of the shit is likely to sky rocket. With the Brazilian expected to earn an estimated £49 a minute and the average time needed to take a shit being 7 minutes, the price of poo is expected to increase by up to 12 times the current amount, which means that some sick bastards are probably going to buy
crusty shit at £30,000 a jar. A leading economist had this to add, “He is a good player but he does shovel quite an amount of shit.” Indeed. In the wake of the media storm surrounding this shit scandal, the biggest shit stirrer of the lot has added his two (Portuguese) cents. In a press conference over the weekend José Mourinho made this statement, “Kaka, shampion. Inter, shampion. I see…this… shit ehm, shit on the… television. Aaaaand I, shampion, think that….the peeeople need the speshial ones shit in them, yesh. Shampion.” As confusing as this statement may be his intentions were made clear, in the form little José shits being presented to the assembled media. With the Kaka transfer story gaining weight it seems these days people will believe any old shite. Also, for those of you who don’t know Kaka or Caca is derived from a Latin word meaning shit, from this the Turbine will let you draw your own conclusions.
‘STEWARDESS, I ORDERED WATER’
Door to door salesmen, ‘Bloody Annoying’ say Jehovah’s Witnesses Jehovah’s Witnesses, have issued a statement to condemn a recent explosion in aggressive door to door sales techniques. A spokesman was quoted as saying “You just can’t sit down for five minutes without a well dressed salseman knocking on your door. It seems the notion that ‘your home is your castle’
no longer exists. Basically we’re sick and we’re tired and tired and we’re not going to take it any more”. The spokeman for the group explained that persistent door knocking had reached a tipping point and something ‘had to be done’. “It’s as if they’re trying to flog
you religion or something. Who the Hell do they think they are, Scientologists?. Peace and tranquility will only return when this malarkey is banned for good”. A spokesman was unavailable for comment, apparently he was door-to-door selling at the time of going to press.