VOLUME XXII ISSUE VI
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SATIRISE - ONLY 47P!
LISBON TREATY
REFORM SPEECH IGNITES THE CROWD - PAGE 3 This week TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, JURY HUNG SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS TURBINE: BRADY REVEALS: “I’D KILL FOR A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE” REVEALED: SPOILED MILK ON CAMPUS ATTRIBUTED TO PARTICULARLY PAMPERED COW
PALIN TURNS TO PORN FOLLOWING ELECTION DISASTER The Political Pitbull herself as made the much awaited leap from politics to pornography. Following her single handed sabotage of presidential hopeful John McCain’s campaign the Alaskan bombshell has decided to make a career move. Her debut release, “Oval Orifice Confessions”, is due for release on the 19th of December and in a press conference given over the weekend Palin had this to say; “Hey I know it’s a quick career change, but ye gotta strike while the irons hot and I’m so hot right now. It’s a straight to DVD job, so it’s gonna be out for Christmas, for the kids.” At this point the Pitbull began winking furiously. Having seen an advance copy of the DVD, The Turbine can conclude that “Oval Orifice Confessions” is a jolly good romp. While the plot is somewhat shaky, the production quality is spectacular. One need not wonder were all the money for the Republicans campaign went now. We join the action soon after John McCain’s death which has resulted in Palin being raised to the position of President. From there on she proceeds to “make whoopy” with Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, Barack O’Bama (all look-alikes, except of course for Bill) and even has
phone sex with Dmitry Medvedev on the red telephone, which also doubles as a dildo. This announcement has sparked controversy in the porn star’s home town of Wasilla. A town, which up until recently had outlawed pornography and contraception. But following the hometown girls recent choice of career the small town has become a hotbed of prostitution and drugs. The locals seem somewhat unhappy. One local who went by the name Cletus Slopbucket had this to say “Dangna-
bit, I’m so dang pissed about what that slut did to our town. This used to be a nice quiet town but now, there’s hookers everywhere and they are really expensive too, its not fair!” The Pitbull declined to comment on the topic of her hometown but The Turbine can only assume that the announcement of the legalization of condoms will be greeted by her and her family, especially her eldest daughter who at last count had 16 illegitimate children. While “Oval Office Confessions” is all set for release, Palin is
not waiting around and has already begun shooting her next project. The working title for the next DVD is “Erection ’08: When Hillary Pulled Out” and features an all female cast. Palin had this to say regarding the new project; “Ooh my, it really is fun working with girls, it doesn’t hurt as much as with the guys. I couldn’t sit down for a week after that O’Bama look-alike threw me a length.” While there is a Hillary look-alike in the new film Bill himself has a cameo in which he drops the look-alike over to Palin’s house (The White House) for a pillow fight. Hillary was unavailable for comment regarding her inclusion in the latest project and also her husbands involvement. However the word on Capital Hill is that Hillary is waiting to hear what job O’Bama gives her before making a decision regarding her career. Former President Bill Clinton made this comment “I’m sick of politics I want to have sex on video, Hillary doesn’t seem to want do that at the moment which is why I feature in Sarah’s movies.” The rumours that a film in which the Clinton’s double team Monica Lewinsky is in the works is deemed to be “nothing more than rumour”, but heres hoping.
"No, no longer means no" The Referendum Commission today announced that it will be introducing new ballot papers for any rerun of the Lisbon Treaty. There new ballot papers will feature the tradition "yes" and "no" as well as a third choice of "no ;-)". Spokesman, Patrick J Patterson, of the Referendum Commission had this to say, "well like its totally for the kids like, emoticons are like their language. And everyone knows kids aren't interested in politics, like," the new system will work under the basis that the total number of "no" votes must exceed the total of other
answers. The "No" choice will also be located on the back of the ballot with the two other choices on the front. Failure to mark the No box with an X will be accepted as a "no ;-)" vote. Spokeswoman for the Department of the Taoiseach, Amanda Fhabulous, stated, "all the gobshite's pinkos and ra-heads can vote no if they want but they'll have to work for it". Chiming in Gary Redmond, UCDSU entertainments vice president, had this to say, "i'm used to people saying no and not really meaning it, if you know what i mean. No ;-), all the way.