Uncle Obnoxious Comes to Town
We all have them. Despite the unspoken societal rule that politics and religion are taboo topics in mixed company—especially at a time that’s designed for joyful family togetherness—there’s always at least one person who can’t help but speak up. Unfortunately, their goal isn’t to foster meaningful conversation. More often than not it’s to push an agenda and push people’s buttons.
Sanity Clause:
“Try to redirect the discussion by bringing up other appropriate topics,” says Amy Vueleman, instructor of communications at McNeese State University. “Acknowledge the other person’s feelings—no one wants to be ignored. Then make suggestions to focus on more positive and appropriate topics.” If you know Uncle Obnoxious is coming to family dinner, you can also try a more proactive approach, Vueleman says: “Pre-plan some events or conversations that could lead more to positive memory-making. You can pull out old photo albums or family videos to watch together. You can also plan on playing familiar games. You want bonding to take place so that conflict is the last thing on anyone’s mind. Conflict, however, will always exist.”
It’s perfectly common for you to feel overwhelmed by all the demands of the holidays. Travel, dinners, parties, gifts, finances, kids, Santa, people, cards, stamps, traffic— it doesn’t take much for the season to slip into chaos. The good news is you know what’s ahead, so you have time to brace yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
You’re at the Breaking Point
regardless of background or religion,” says Winston. “The biggest misconception I hear is that you are supposed to stop your mind from thinking—like it’s supposed to go blank. This does not happen. Instead we learn to be aware of being lost in our thoughts and gently guide our attention back to the moment.”
For some families, jovial conversation comes with the territory. For others, it’s an awkward mix of hidden resentments, clashing personalities and a sense of obligation—none of which makes for a fun time. This can turn a twohour dinner into an endless chore. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Your family may not be the Cleavers, but you can still have jovial conversation. Unfortunately, awkward conversation certainly isn’t limited to the family dynamic. Holiday parties, office get-togethers and gift-exchange games can make for a weird atmosphere, as well. But with a few basic convo skills, you can survive.
The Land of Awkward Conversation
Sanity Clause:
If you want to have fulfilling conversation, “make sure you always listen to the other person in the conversation and respond to them personally,” Vueleman says. “Don’t always make yourself the topic of conversation. No one likes a stage hog.” If you find yourself in a weird confrontation with an old friend or family members, “always share feelings honestly making sure to use the word ‘I’ to accept responsibility for them.” Also: No matter what the conversation is, don’t multi-task. “Be involved in the conversation. Put down the phone, get off the computer, and turn off the TV. There is no way you can concentrate on the conversation at hand with technology in your face.”
You’re Missing the Point
Holidays are supposed to be about appreciating the things you have, giving to others, and spending time with the people you love. For the vast majority of Americans, it’s also a devout religious holiday that’s meant for reverence and respect. But somewhere along the way, all these things got jumbled into holiday hams, Black Friday specials and obligatory invitations. Don’t forget what it’s all about. Don’t let the jumble get in the way of the moment.
Sanity Clause:
Learn to appreciate every moment. Don’t let this time get lost. “It’s so difficult to live in the moment because we live in a culture that’s about the opposite of this. We are taught to always look in the future or be lost in the past. Plus, we’re juggling so many responsibilities and so much information,” says Winston, co-author of Fully Present: The Science, Art and Practice of Mindfulness. “The ability to become more present is something you can do at any moment in the day. When you notice your mind is lost in anxiety, worry, irritation, just come back to your breath. Take a mindful breath. Notice your feet on the floor. Our bodies are always in the present moment and if we can be mindful of our bodies—feeling what is happening right now—we are in the present moment.” When we put ourselves on automatic pilot, life passes us by, Winston notes. “This happens all the time. We’re so busy being lost in our thoughts that we don’t listen to our best friend tell us an important story. Or we are barely present for our children because we’re on our cell phones.”
Sanity Clause:
“During the holiday itself, take mini breaks. Go out for a walk. Go into a quiet room and try a few minutes of meditating. It’s important,” Winston says. Even if you can only get away for three or five minutes, it’s worth it. Those five minutes will have a cumulative effect. And don’t think meditation means you have to sit with your legs crossed in front of burning incense. Meditation can be whatever you want it to be; it’s not necessarily a religious experience. It’s just a way to relax, refocus and breathe. “Anyone can meditate
December 2013
Thrive Magazine for Better Living
www.thriveswla.com
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