Meeting Topic:
The Avioff
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Humpty-Diddle Airplane School
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It’s All A Joke
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theavioff.com//ThisEntireIssueIsSatire-ItWillBeOffensive-ViewerDiscretionAdvised-ContainsStrongLanguage-AndMemes-AndPoliticalIncorrectness November 3, 2020
Don’t Get Offended
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Invite Others to Support a Dying Industry
2 DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT SURPRISED
PRESIDENT BUTTER BUTTER SAYS SAYS PRESIDENT
F*** IT IT F***
Golf Cart Gal
The girl that skrrts around in the golf cart each week to deliver you the latest and greatest news and has to recount the papers 3 times before she actually puts them on the stands because she loses count.
In need of a ? Well, now you’ve got one! Our thoughtful university President, D. Larry Butter, has seen his students struggle on so many different levels since last spring: we weren’t able to play cornhole with him with the privilege of breathing fresh air instead of repeatedly breathing in the smell of DQOBA eaten 20 minutes ago behind the mask. Also, split format is about to make us split our head open, and the revocation of spring break is going to make us break someone’s neck. In recognition of our stresses stresses, D.L.B. is planning to host an end-of-the semester party for Humpty-Diddle students that will be one for the books. The news leaked from a Board of Trustee member who, in any other case, would not be trusted, but since the BoTs are all in favor of violation of code, this is our endorsed chance to violate too. D.L.B. states that he paid off the Ormond Beach police to not bother us on the monumental night of November 24th, which is also the last day of in-person classes. Free jungle juice will be served upon attendance to make sure everyone’s got a vibe going, elegant hors d’oeuvres such as mac and cheese balls and an artful ‘charcoochie’ board will be served by Sodax-ho around the clock. Building couch forts is permitted, and messy break-ups and hot hook-ups are fully encouraged. Did I mention no masks? Essentially, NOTHING is off the table, so release your inhibitions and take a dive into D.L.B.’s massive pool on November 24th.
oh god not another university communication email
pls stop
people who cared enough to show up! the leaders flight commander kiddie pool attorney general stay-at-home mom supreme leader the followers mcRib™ golf cart gal gucci man GRAMPS trevor carlos fish food sr. photographer the influencer
Need Study Help? Try
™!
The Humpty-Diddle Airplane School recently announced a partnership with Chugg™ that will be exclusively available to students of the Air & Space program. Chugg™ is a study tool used by college students nationwide and has been found to lower stress levels, increase happiness, and occasionally boost social standings. While Chugg™ has not been found to necessarily help improve memory retention or GPAs, Humpty-Diddle is very excited to be able to provide a valuable resource for stressed and tired students. “We have some of the best and brightest students here at Humpty-Diddle, and our new partnership with Chugg™ will allow them to unlock their full potential,” Diddle President D. Larry Butter commented. “I personally have tried Chugg™ a few times and I can see why everyone’s so excited for it to be finally available!” As of now, Chugg™ will only be available off-campus at select locations, including Beagle Landing Strip Apartments, Offshore Apartments, and Andrew’s Aisles. The creator of Chugg™, Al Cohol, will be on campus on Friday to promote his other products, including Xams and TurnItUp. More locations and products will be available on the Humpty-Diddle campus soon, so stay tuned to Diddle Communications for more information. Humpty-Diddle reminds all students to Chugg™ responsibly.
“Chugg™ is
the only study tool I have ever used!” -Random Diddle Student
uncompensated individuals content unaware pics or it didn‛t happen rocket man vlad tempest GRAMPS flight commander golf cart gal the influencer supreme leader attorney general kiddle pool
rocket man the influencer golf cart gal kiddie pool attorney general vladmir tempest flight commander chiggie smallz
Correspondents hernie neebz & dee zaster
The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
how 2 get a humpty diddle ~ girl ~ by miss humpty diddle
College is an interesting scene. There are students who are there for a career, students whose parents made them go, athletes who only care about their sports, and students that like to party. Many long-lasting relationships are formed in college, including romantic ones. Here are a few easy tips for females on how to attract males at Humpty-Diddle. First, exist on campus. This can take the form of showing up to class, walking into the student union, or being present in any form at any Diddle e vent. Humpty-Diddle’s student population consists of mainly men, which has led to jokes about the “Diddle Ratio.” When it c omes to the dating scene, this ratio works in the female students’ favor. There have also been jokes about “Diddle Vision,” which is the idea that a Diddle female is instantly more attractive because she is a Diddle female. This joke is demeaning towards Diddle’s estimated 50 female students, but the ratio generally works in their favor. In fact, the sudent body population is so disproportionate that Diddle offers a renewable scholarship to women for simply choosing to attend the institution. Second, wait a little while. Patience is a virtue. Since the female population at Diddle is so small, a man is bound to take interest in you at some point. Watch for subtle flirting techniques; since the female population is so small, some men will not want to be overly flirtatious and scare the females off. Other men will have more obvious flirting techniques. If a man doesn’t walk up to you, and you think he’s attractive, then take initiative. Walk up to him first and ask for his Snapchat. Most likely, you’ll catch him off guard, and you’ll get his Snapchat. This is Humpty-Diddle, so it’s not like he’s seen a girl at school that wasn’t an employee or a visitor before. You’ll also be breaking stereotypical gender roles. Despite being a part of the slim female population at Diddle, there are still other options, so it’s important to not succumb to RIBS: Ratio Indu ced Bitch Syndrome. This problem arises when women at a maj ority male school start acting like they are too good for anyone. You are not the only female at Diddle; the school has an estimated population of 50 females total, so there are 49 other options. However, due to the Diddle Ratio, it is generally easier for female students to get a romantic partner as compared to male students.
Chad Masterson Removed From The Boys Gigi Plastique Smalls All Stars Drag Queen It is a dark day today in Humpy-Diddle Airplane School as local member of the Boys Chad Masterson has been kicked out of the organization due to him breaking several bylaws.
According to the leader of the Boys Chad was displaying behaviors that were not only seen as “unrighteous” but also harmed the image of the Boys as an organization to sit back and kick it with your homies. Chad’s first violation came as the result of him ignoring fellow the Boys member Tony
Broington III’s request for a homie hug due to him feeling as he describes “Hella down cause that calc exam was totally lamesauce”. By ignoring his homie’s request for a hug that would remind him that despite his trials and tribulations the boys would always be by his side, Chad broke the Boys’ Bylaw 5 Article 7 section 2 sub-section 4 which states: If a homie is feeling hella sad the nearest member of the boys need to show that homie some love. His second violation came when his upper-classmen in the Boys, Arin Von Jaboi, walked up to Mr. Masterson and tried commencing the signature boys handshake. Only for Chad to ignore him. Not cool as this clearly violated Bylaw 7 article 2 section phi subsection 69 (nice;). This left Arin Von Jaboi a mess and for the rest of the day he was crying in the corner of his room. Later on in the day when Jaboi
spoke to the Chairperson of the Boys, Chief Boi R. Dee, about Chad’s numerous anti-homie like behaviors they concluded that he was being “ the type of dude that kills the vibe.” Because of this they put him in homie suspension, where he told that if he committed one more violation he would permanently remove. A few days later not only did he break another bylaw of the Boys handbook he committed the greatest crime known to homie history. The day was October 17th 2020 the Boys were meeting up in the Spaceship to play some ping-pong for their Saturday night Boys Session. Chad did not show up. He tried excusing his horrible sin by claiming that he had to do his homework, clearly ignoring Bylaw Article 1 Section 1 Subsection 0: Saturday is for the Boys. This could clearly not go unpunished fore by not spending Saturday with the Boys he may as well be spitting in each of the Boys graves. Thus to do this It is in the opinion of this professional 100% accurate news organization that if you see Chad Masterson not being a true homie and one of the Boys you call him out on it, and also say that he a total jerk, and that he his friends needed, and that really if you think about it you don’t have to perfect just show your homie some love! Gosh the nerve of some people!! Anyways this has been the Avioff Pamplet news corner and remember: Regardless if you are a boy or a girl always be cool with your homies cause without homies the world is nothing but a bunch of posers.
6(9) NICE
g n i w e i v r e I n t y l F s ’ e c P e n mom & dad are fighting again :(
We at The Avioff had the chance to interview Mike Pence’s fly, who attended the Vice-Presidential debate. He has become a political icon and social media sensation as a result of his attendance at the debate and has quickly become an inspiration to the fly community. The Avioff Newspaper: What is it like to visit the White House? Pence’s Fly: BzzzZzzzzZ bzzzZzz, bzzz bz bzzzz bzzzZ. AN: Have you even taken a ride in “The Beast?” PF: BzZzZzzZz, bzzzZzzzzZ bzzzzzZ. AN: Was your stunt during the debate planned? Or was it a heat of the moment decision? PF: BzzZzzZz bzz. BzZzZzz. BzzzZzz bzzZ bzZ bzZ, bzZzzzZzzZ, bzzZzzzZzzZ. BzZzZZ bz bzzZzZZzZZ. BZZzzZzZzzZ bZzzzZzz BzzZ. Bzz.
PF: BzzZ. BzzZzzzZz bzzZzzzZz bzz bzzzZ bzZ bz. BZz, bzzzZz bzZz bZzzZzz. Bzz bz bzZ, bzzzZ bz bZz bzzZZ. AN: How far back do you and Pence go? PF: Bzzzz bzZzzzZ bzzZ, bzzzzzzZzzzZ bzzz bzZ bZZ bz bZ. BzzZzz bz. AN: What other celebrities have you met? PF: Bzz bzz, bzZzz bBzzzzzzzZ bzzzZzzz bz BzzZzzZ. Bzz BZzzZ bzzz, bzZ bzZ. Bz bzzZ BzZzz bz bzzzzzzZ bzZzzzZ. AN: Which candidate do you support most?
AN: Now that you are in the limelight, do people tend to swat you less?
PF: BzZzz.
PF: Bzz.
AN: How does it feel to be such an influential figure in the fly community?
AN: You’ve gained a considerable amount of social media followers since your debate debut. How has that changed your life so far?
PF: BzZzzzzzz bzZzzZZZ, bz bzzz bzZ bzZzzZ bZZZzzzZzZ bzzZzzZzZzZ bzz, bZZ bz bZzZZ bzzzZzZzZzz. BZzzZ bz bZzzZ bZzz bzzzzZzzZ bZZz bzz bZzzZzzZ. BzZ bzZz bzz bzZ bzzZzzzZzz bzZzzz BzzzzZ.
Dear Mom, Dad, Aunt Karen, and Becky (The Nosy Neighbor),
D’S GETS DEGREES
Why the education system has not failed me yet:
Society claims that true knowledge comes from being taught within the walls of a brick and mortar classroom. Students are driven to success and crash at madness. With all the things that the education system has taught us, there is nowhere to go but down.
The first lesson learned in the classroom is how to handle being constantly disappointed. From the expired cafeteria food to interactions with teachers on tenure, disappointment is an everyday occurrence. Even on a good day at least one thing is bound to go wrong. The disappointment felt now will only be normalized in professional life. Awaiting the day for mundane tasks and being surrounded by lackluster individuals. The next lesson learned is where to budget money earned. 17 hours clocked on the time card for this week and the reward of a $60 check. From Accounting class I can budget that into my account to pay for rent, oh not enough. Textbooks? Not enough. Tuition, that‛s definitely not enough. Food? Yes, ramen sounds nice. The last lesson is managing the runaround. Just imagine walking into the registrar office for one purpose. “I need to increase my credit load from 16 to 17 credits. Can you help me with this?” “Well...” Now begins the runaround from building to building in search of an advisor. With all the movement around campus, training for a 5K marathon begins. My Fitbit thanks me for getting in my daily steps As the scars of school continue to haunt my dreams, I am being better prepared for the future.
Surfer Dude in Town Exclusive one-on-one interview with Surfer Dude Working Name General Counsel
Surfer Dude is the most famous man along the southern California beaches. He prowls along, day after day, hunting for the best waves. Undeterred by the heavy storms in the Pacific, he continues to surf with his trusty board. Huntington Beach during a massive cyclone may seem intimidating to some, but it’s all in a day’s work for the Surfer Dude. The Avioff Pamphlet: Looks like a pretty intense day for surfing, how have the waves been today? Surfer Dude: Oh brah it's just like dude, you get the best barrels ever dude. AP: Barrels? Those sound dangerous. How do you ride a barrel? SD: Just like you pull in you just get spit right out of em. AP: So how do you go about conquering one of these massive waves? SD: You just drop in, and just smack the lip WAHPAH. Drop down, say BALALALA. AP: Take us through the process after you steady yourself on a good wave. How do you stay safe as the wave crashes? SD: After that you just drop in and ride the barrel and get pitted SO pitted like that [SD makes pitted motion with hands]. AP: Well, thank you for your time. We’ll let you get back to riding the surf.
SPREAD
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^
eagle
new tecknologee comes to humpty diddle Dee Zaster RAAAAAHHHH
Dee Zaster is a student in the SKUNX Lab in the Department of Squish Meatbags Studies. SKUNX investigates how the hell things work in this world.
2 VROOM Upgraded to be 360
.
to hear your professor? Mute them! If you want a little extra fun, change the language to “Cat Meows”, “Baldhead Brown Teacher”, or even “Chipmunk”! Just do your best to NOT be the one caught with the app controller!
Im4. Shamvas Updates! merSome students have been complainsive! ing about the Shamvas overlords. U p - Don’t worry, they’ve heard you im and we have made some changgrade w ne ks! es that we think will best fit 100.52.1 he mas t h r to VROOM everyone’s needs. Now, due dates wit slato u o n has arrived are always a day ahead, but you will be noy a be of tr d to all stutified about them a day late! From our test l u ion o c t dents! Now y o u r users, we learned that this may be troublea is Th ment fault to 360 some. So, we also introduced virtual Moronox 1. Teachers in Augmented Reality! video will deple degrees! Ever wondered what the wipes that can be used to “clean up” any bad Are you falling asleep in your classes? Do you back of your classmate’s head looks grades you may have. Do you have a “C” ? Moneed some more spice in your studies? Try our new Augmented Reality app! With just a click, like? Or what junk food and trash is surround- ronox it away! Now, it looks like an “A” to me! you can change your boring professor’s video ing their computer setup? Now you can find Fly-by Prego Tests! on VROOM into a zombie or spooky skeleton. out! Your friends, faculty, and classmates can 5. You can even hold up your phone in class and now explore the room around you on their own We’ve revamped our Prego tests! You’ll be see the change right before your eyes! And with this new 360 camera and VROOM setup! pleased to know that all you have to do is hop don’t worry faculty - you can teach to a We all want to get immersed in our classes in your favorite flying mobile (plane, drone, room full of zombies too! and get to know each other a bit more, right?! helicopter - whatever you like!) and meet up with us 30,000 feet above the Broken CenYou will receive a drone with your new ter. From here, we can simultaneously con360 camera in Three.. Two.. One.. Now. duct a blood test, saliva sample, nose swab, Compliance is mandatory. And don’t urine sample in 10 seconds or less! Yes, some worry, the price for the camera has al- people have said the 8 syringes, nose swab up ready been added to your tuition fee. to their brain, q-tip down their throat, and instant catheter is a bit much… But it’ll happen so 3. Face Masks that Trans- fast you may not even know what hit you! The late to whatever you want! best part - the results are returned in 30 days! You say that you don’t have any VROOM classes? Well this new tech innovation is for We just know that you’ll love all of these Profe you! We’ve heard that it’s hard to understand new technology innovations we’ve introssor ing Philli what your professors are saying in front of the duced! If you have any technical difficulhis f p Bo nes avori teach room with their masks on. So, we are introduc- ties, feel free to contact Service Technolote z o - ing translator masks! All teachers will be given a gy Department (STD). Their hours are now o Changes will, m c l a s s probably, not be permanent? . translator mask that students can control. Can’t 4-12pm since they moved to Tonga, one of hear your professor? Turn them up! Don’t want the few places with no reported Prego cases! Here at Humpty Diddle, we pride ourselves in giving our students the best experience possible - especially if that means introducing new technology that nobody understands, nobody wants, but WE know everyone needs. Here are the top 5 innovations, in no particular order (because why would we do that??). We will be rolling these out to our subjects -ahem, I mean students over the next couple of weeks.
FOUR FOR THREE FOR SCRUBS; A SUCCESSFUL SCRUBTOBER Tykwhanshindah Smith Drag Racer
Carrying over from an awesome Scrubtember, Scrubtober did not disappoint scrub fans by providing four successful over the three failed scrub attempts. Scrubtober here in Florida started off with a successful scrub attempt of the GPS III SV04 mission using the Falcon 9 rocket on Oct. 2nd, 2020. This scrub attempt was so successful in fact that SpaceX will be attempting another scrub for this specific vehicle over a month later on Nov. 4th, 2020. Three days later, on Oct. 5th, 2020, SpaceX tried another scrub attempt for the Falcon 9 which also ended in a success! This time this was over on LC39A for the Starlink-12 mission. Their next attempt would be on Oct. 6th, 2020. With their confidence following a streak of 5 consecutive successful scrubs, SpaceX pushed on to attempting another scrub for the Starlink-12 mission.
Unfortunately, this ended in a failure when Falcon 9 lifted off the pad to the dismay of scrub fans. This scrub attempt ended the overall Florida scrub streak of 8 accumulated over both Scrubtember and the beginning of Scrubtober. Following that failed scrub attempt, SpaceX decided to try for another scrub attempt This scrub attempt would fail two days laton Oct. 18th, 2020 for the Starlink-13 er when Falcon 9 with Starlink-14 cleared mission to redeem themselves after SLC-40 once again wasting thousands disappointing many scrub fans. This of gallons of propellant and oxidizer. also ultimately ended in another failed scrub attempt in which thousands of gallons of rocket grade kerosene (RP-1) With that, there’s a quick recap of the and liquid oxygen was wasted away… past successful Scrubtober. Some future confirmed scrub attempts include UnitSpaceX would later ed Launch Alliance’s Atlas V with NROLredeem themselves 101 on Nov. 3rd, 2020, SpaceX’s Falcon on Oct. 22nd, 2020 9 with GPS III SV04 on Nov. 4th, 2020, where they successFalcon 9 with Sentinel-6 on Nov. 10th, fully scrubbed the 2020, and Falcon 9 with Crew-1 on Nov. Starlink-14 mission 14th, 2020. On the manifest without conwhen a camera on firmed dates include ULA’s Delta IV Heavy Falcon 9’s upper with NROL-44 (which currently holds stage decided to stop the longest scrub streak against GPS III working to the exciteSV04) and SpaceX’s Falcon 9 with SXM-7. ment of many scrub fans. A fan witnessHere’s to scrub filled Scrubveming the scrub said,” ber! Please no this is a joke my saniThey gotta do it for ty and gas money can’t handle this… the (Insta) ‘gram!”