coping with covid

‘We are missing out on so much’

How to help your student — whether a senior or kindergartner — cope with a disappointing end to the school year. BY ANDREA STETSON

rom canceled. Grad Bash canceled. YMCA Grad Night canceled. Graduation, maybe canceled. For high school seniors, these were to be the pinnacle days of their secondary education. After 13 years of classes, homework and teachers, this was to be a time of celebration and graduation. A time of sharing memories with friends. A time of sports finales, band concerts and academic competitions. Instead, the Class of 2020 wraps up with virtual learning, social media-only connections with friends and canceled celebrations.

Becky Pacter, 17, a senior at Barron Collier High School, wrote a blog about her feelings.

“We’re living through a piece of history,” she writes. “Unfortunately, it’s not a piece of history we anticipated nor wanted. This is our senior year we’re losing. This second half of the school year is supposed to be where we enjoy senior activities and enjoy our last few months

together, but instead we’re talking to each other through screens and learning from home with our siblings as classmates and parents as teachers.”

Her blog goes on to list all the things she is missing, from her last band concert to her final track meets. She writes about the dress she bought for prom and the fear of graduation being canceled. Becky says she wrote the blog because she wanted an outlet for her feelings.

“My friends and I were just talking about all the disappointments and my mom didn’t want to hear it. She said there were all sorts of bigger problems, so I just needed a place to vent,” she explains. “It is sad. It is just the year we have been looking forward to. This is our time to shine.”

Ryan Logan, a senior at Island Coast High School in Cape Coral, is also devastated.

“It is very disappointing that we are missing out on so much,” he says. “It is upsetting because we don’t have prom, we don’t have Grad Bash, as far as we know, we don’t have graduation.”

Allison Ferraro, Collier County Public School’s coordinator of school counseling for grades 9-12, has some advice.

“Students need to focus on their accomplishments because those accomplishments can never be taken away,” she says.

Allison also stresses that this is a time to redefine what is important and perhaps do something important.

Isaac Newton was sent home from Cambridge in 1665 during the bubonic plague in England, Allison points out. That was called his year of wonder. During that year at home, he discovered his theories of physics and gravity. While high school seniors might not be making world changing discoveries, Allison suggests they take the time to do something great.

“Use this time to enrich ourselves rather than confine ourselves,” she says. “There is so much opportunity. Are they going to be pioneers and problem-solvers? Every generation has its defining moment.”

Allison says school officials are also trying to define moments, especially graduation.

“We are holding on to hope,” she said in early April. “Or maybe redefining the perspective of what that can be. When they have the opportunity to redefine what that celebration is, it could be better than expected. A lot of time we conform to society norms, but we can change that. This might give seniors the opportunity to create something that has never been created before. If graduation or prom doesn’t occur, why shouldn’t you dress up and dance with your family? Why shouldn’t you have a special graduation dinner?”

Becky is beginning to make plans like that.

“There are a lot of seniors on my street,” she says. “We joke that if we don’t get to go to graduation, we will put up a skateboard ramp and walk in our pajama robes.”

Olivia Thornhill, a Naples High School senior, is also looking for a new creative plan.

“I will probably do something with my friends, maybe like a drive-thru (graduation) or if we do get no lockdown then I would probably have something at my house for me and my friends to celebrate with each other,” she says. “We can make our own graduation. The whole world is going through this together.”

Allison hopes all students will try to look at the positive things, such as more family time.

“They should not be so focused on what they are not having, but what they still have,” she explains. “It is not to focus so much on ‘This is happening to me.’ You are part of a time.”

“The first thing to do is to recognize that it sucks. It is damn sad. It is really horrible. You can’t minimize it. You can’t say it’s not that big of a deal. If parents join the kids in the feelings of loss, the children will process it in a healthier way. If you don’t validate it, they will feel like their feelings don’t count.” — STACEY BROWN

Allison advises parents to help their students through this time by supporting them.

“Don’t minimize their feelings,” she stresses. “Acknowledge what they are going through.”

Sherry Wenzel, coordinator of Mental Health Services for Lee County Public Schools agrees.

“Basically what we have to recognize is it is like a grief and loss issue,” Sherry says. “They are grieving the loss of this transition time. This is the transition into adulthood. They are missing these events that are typically a part of that.”

Sherry says parents are also feeling sad at the loss of these milestones but stresses that they need to be supportive.

“The first thing is to recognize their losses and give the seniors the opportunity to express how they are feeling and be present for their student and just listen to them,” she says. “Talk to them about different things they can do to celebrate their successes, maybe a virtual prom where they get dressed up and be on social media and take pictures. Ask them how they would like to celebrate these milestones and these successes.”

Stacey Brown, a licensed mental health counselor in Fort Myers, says parent support is extremely important now.

“The first thing to do is to recognize that it sucks,” she says. “It is damn sad. It is really horrible. You can’t minimize it. You can’t say it’s not that big of a deal. If parents join the kids in the feelings of loss, the children will process it in a healthier way. If you don’t validate it, they will feel like their feelings don’t count.”

Stacey explains that graduation, prom and other senior activities are more than just fun days.

“It’s symbolic,” she says. “Rituals are a rite of passage. High school graduation means I am a real adult now. It is a marking point to adulthood.”

After acknowledging all this, Stacey suggests finding ways to make this year special.

“Maybe they can come up with things at the house like senior skip day from chores,” she suggests. “Adopt or foster animals. Figure out how to help health care workers. Process emotions by helping others.”

Debbie Moore, mother of Lexi Moore, a senior at Gulf Coast High School in Naples, says that is how her daughter is viewing things.

“Graduation, she feels it is more us that would want it,” Debbie says. “She is handling it OK. It is whatever happens, happens. It is something she can’t control, and she knows that. She is not crying. She is not upset about the whole situation. She is just ready to go off to the next adventure and go to college.”

Lexi plans to go to the University of Central Florida in August. In the meantime, she is finishing her senior year online, while also keeping busy with new activities.

“I FaceTime with my friends,” she says. “I have been watching Netflix. I have been doing some art projects and puzzles.”

Ryan also tries to keep busy to distract himself from these tough times. He has been running, working out at home and spending time with his family.

“We have been playing Monopoly, doing a lot of reading, cooking together, talking — things we haven’t done for a long time because we had all been really busy,” he says.

High school seniors aren’t the only ones who need guidance.

Stacey says parents need to be just as supportive and understanding with younger children.

“It’s the same thing. You just developmentally shift it a little bit,” Stacey says. “You still validate the loss and understanding of missing their friends and being trapped. So for a first-grader, you say, ‘I wish you could go to school, but we have some restrictions right now. It is not safe. There is a bad sickness that is going around. People are getting really sick, so we have to stay home.’ You give them the basic facts. You just wrap it in terms they can understand. The kids look to the parents for comfort and stability and they have a responsibility to keep them grounded. You don’t want to foster fear.”

Allison agrees.

“When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm and not join their chaos.” she says.

“For younger ones, we want to acknowledge that things are different right now,” Sherry adds. “We need to make them feel safe. Ask them how they feel. They may be worried or scared. They may be worried about grandma or grandpa or they may be worried about themselves. Give them a chance to express themselves with an adult.”

Stacey suggests family time.

“This is such a wonderful opportunity to be together and do fun things,” she says. “Play games with each other. The National Park Service has uploaded beautiful tours you can take. The museums have virtual tours. There are so many ways to travel without leaving home. Nobody has ever dealt with this before, so we are all figuring this out.”

The seniors are also trying to figure it all out.

Ryan plans to go to the United States Military Academy at West Point in June.

“It’s our last hurrah, and now it’s like, ‘Here, we are going to mail you your diploma.’ It is a real shame,” Ryan says. “I am the youngest in my family and I went to graduation for my brother and my sister and I saw them taking pictures and everyone is so proud. There are no words to describe how disappointed I am that we might not get a graduation.”

Olivia plans to attend Pace University in New York.

“It’s definitely been hard,” Olivia says. “It sucks, yes, but we are all going through it together.”

Becky is now looking forward to attending Cottey College in Nevada, Missouri. She is glad for all the happy memories of running track, playing flute and piccolo, playing at Carnegie Hall and excelling in school, but she is still sad.

“Of course we know it could be worse,” Becky writes in one of her blogs. “We know and understand that some of you missed your graduation because you were being shipped off to Vietnam. But the thing is, we are kids, even though we don’t always want to admit it. Some of us have led sheltered lives, and this is our first hardknock-life lesson. Some of us have led miserably hard lives and this is just another disappointment. Regardless, we are upset. We have spent four years listening to our families and friends tell us how wonderful this year would be. We watched our siblings, friends, and family members go to prom and walk across the stage at graduation as we all cheered. We wanted the same. We won’t get it. It’s okay for us to be sad. Don’t scoff at us. Hold our hands. Let us grieve. We are hurting.”

Becky is hurting about missing her letter-of-intent sports signing day. She is sad about missing Grad Bash and the YMCA after-graduation party. Most of all, she is hurting about possibly not having a graduation ceremony.

“I am proud of the accomplishments that I have done,” she concludes, “but I wish I could have had this experience.”