Bubba Compiling List of Awful Sailboat Names
B
ubba Whartz, wearing his red baseball cap, the one with the Peterbilt emblem on it, was drinking a beer and holding forth on the names of sailboats when the sometimes-strident conversation in The Blue Moon Bar caught my attention. I was sitting at a table near a window and reading a book about how politics and bad decisions in this country made the annihilation of about 1,000 evangelical peasants in El Salvador in December of 1981 a compelling story in both the New York Times and the Washington Post. However, previous human rights abuses in El Salvador had already alerted Congress that the government it was backing in Central America was prosecuting a war against guerillas that was unnecessarily oppressive toward the civilian population. The State Department didn’t give credence to the front-page newspaper stories nor to the pictures of corpses that ran on the front page of the Post. Congress did not either. And the Wall Street Journal labeled stories of the massacre of civilians “The Media’s War” on its editorial page. I found the book fascinating. Disturbing, too. Written by Mark Danner, it is entitled: The Massacre at El Mazote. Putting my book away, I went to the end of the bar and called Doobie, the bartenderette at The Blue Moon, over and asked her what all the noise was about. Not only was Bubba speaking loudly, so were: Tripwire, the Vietnam vet who always dresses in cammies and comes unglued by loud noises; Shorty, the five-foot-tall bar regular who stutters; and Bruno Velvetier, ASID, a man known for his flair for interior decorating, his distinguished client list and his affinity for cream drinks with lots of fruit and paper parasols in them. There were a couple of other people joined in the discussion that I did not know. For purposes of this account, I will call them “Joe” and “Harry,” I joined the discussion as an observer only. Bubba was speaking. “Look, guys, the reason I want to publish a book
about awful sailboat names is simply because people who buy sailboats for the first time are generally disillusioned by the dreams they have for what they will get out of sailing. They envision smooth anchorages, 10 knots of wind, beam reaches, fabulous food and romantic evenings under the stars. A lot of those people end up naming their sailboats Interlude. It’s the most popular sailboat name. “These people don’t think of storms that tear sails apart, waves that put green water on deck, polluted water, seasickness, lee shores and canned one-pot meals cooked on the tiny gimbaled stove that they imagined would be perfect for hot coffee or tea. They do not know about standing watches in driving rain, hypothermia in tropical waters, jellyfish, sharks or predatory customs officials. “So, popular as it might be for the uninitiated, Interlude is going to be the first name in my book of bad sailboat names. It simply reeks of inexperience. But what I am looking for, too, are names that people should never use in naming sailboats. That’s why I came here today, instead of flying to Washington to have dinner with the president at The White House.” “Who is going to publish this book?” asked Tripwire. “I don’t have a for-sure publisher yet,” Bubba acknowledged, “but I have some hot leads. Do you guys have any ideas for names that should never appear on sailboats?” Bruno Velvetier raised his hand. “How about Not professionally decorated?” “Bruno,” Bubba replied, “that is so weak and self-serving that I am not even commenting on it. Give me something that has meaning!” “How about STD?” Tripwire offered. “That’s the spirit,” Bubba enthused. “That’s a keeper.” Encouraged, Tripwire rang off a string of others that also were sure to make the cut. They were: diphtheria,
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