Mind the Gap

BY ANDREW AARON, LICSW

Visualize a spark plug; at the tip is a gap between the terminal and a small arm that reaches above. For the part to function properly, a spark must jump between the two posts and create a connection, causing the engine to start. If debris lodges between the terminal and the arm, the spark will not fire as required, leaving the engine to lay idle.

This anecdote is an appropriate metaphor for a love relationship; where there also needs to be a spark.

In a love relationship, there is a gap between partners, a physical distance of individuality. When partners are open, the gap is viewed as an emotional space for which a spark of love can be exchanged. When sparks continuously fly, a relationship becomes alive and dynamic. It will become nourished and will grow; additionally, goodwill, trust, and happiness will flourish.

However, when clogged and sullied by obstructions, the relationship will stall.

Partners must regularly clean their connection; the space between partners tends to become obstructed by negative emotions, interrupting the flow between them. Often, when a relationship becomes disconnected, we hear comments like, ‘we just drifted apart,’ or ‘we outgrew each other.’

Frequent arguments are similar to the spark plug. Often, something gets in between partners, resulting in blame, pain, and misunderstanding. Like a wedge, the more these are inserted in the relationship, the more it drives partners apart.

You might ask, “Why don’t couples remove the elements that come between them?” Unfortunately, the wedge is not easily identified, leaving each partner to hold a distinct and separate piece of the problem.

Instead of a clear gap, painful emotions, such as resentment, hurt, fear, insecurity, and avoidance, become stuck, causing a disconnect between the partners. While uncomfortable and hoping for resolution, each is a separate being, and neither has full control of the connection.

When this occurs, negative emotions come between them, making agreeing and coordinating an effort to resolve the conflict very difficult. Typically, because each partner has a different solution, blaming each other adds another obstacle.

Of that which comes between two lovers, the list is long: anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, hurt, distrust, fear, discomfort, powerlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, the need to be right, self-hate, it goes on and on. It is this type of ‘dirt’ that clogs the connection.

When calling in the “relationship mechanic,” the tool of teaching openness is one of the first steps in cleaning the connection. Next is the lubrication of the connections through teaching support and closeness. Finally, the necessity of investing in preventative maintenance is explained and practiced by building a new and refreshing relationship that will allow the sparks to fly.

Andrew Aaron, LICSW, is a sex and relationship therapist who practices in the New Bedford Seaport.