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STATE STREET SCRIBE by Jeff Wing
Jeff is a journalist, raconteur, autodidact, and polysyllable enthusiast. A long-time resident of SB, he takes great delight in chronicling the lesser known facets of this gaudy jewel by the sea. Jeff can be reached at jeffwingg@gmail.com.
S a n ta B a r b a r a Av i at i on
Califorbearance and You
S
o I finally checked my privilege. What do you think happened? That’s right; they threw it onto the wrong plane and it ended up on the tarmac in Des Moines. Note to self: next time carry your privilege on and stuff it into the overhead bin, like all the sensible people do. But the episode was instructive, and a good reminder of my – oh, heck. I’m just gonna say it. A good reminder of my privilege. In fact, it seems safe to say that we who live and prosper under the almost literal dome that encloses dear Santa Barbara... we’ve got it pretty good. Sure, it’s a struggle. But not, you know, like a STRUGGLE struggle. We’re all fairly privileged. We’re not often shot at, nor do we often suffer the indignity of pillage by bloodthirsty marauders. When we step outside in board shorts to march with sullen, tanned expressions down our famous main street in protest of this or that injustice, our police don’t descend on us with rubber truncheons, or pepper us with rubber bullets. [Second note to self: buy stock in Rubbermaid]. HARMLESS FLESH EATERS Yes, we have our share of flesh-eating bacterial outbreaks, but most of these are over-prescriptions by well-meaning weight-loss professionals. Santa Barbara is today a sun-kissed cathedral of peace and prosperity. Fragrant ocean breezes gently dance with our impossibly statuesque palm trees; symbols of plenitude that seem to say “What’re you lookin’ at, loser? Ha ha, just kidding. Look all you want, winner!” The town is peaceful, devoid of angst, pleasantly soporific. Mostly. Guess what? All is not well in the Second or Third Happiest Place on Earth. You know this to be true. We can see it on one another’s faces. In Ralph’s, at the farmers market, in any of Santa Barbara’s parking lots – not in the 99¢ store, so much, since we are usually wearing disguises in there. What is this new menace? What exactly are we seeing in one another’s faces? A little something I like to call Califorbearance©. THAT’S RIGHT. CALIFORBEARANCE© What is Califorbearance©? It’s that LOOK. When worn properly – and Santa Barbarans wield this thing like
nobody’s business – it can simultaneously convey both long-suffering patience and projectile passive-aggression. Hey, the Left Coast may be famously progressive, merciful, and benevolent, but we have our limits, and when said limits are tested, we have a look. It is the look of Califorbearance©. What does this interpersonal transaction look like on the ground? Let’s look at some examples you may find familiar from your own experiences, dear reader. Example 1: A guy in ear buds is approaching a crosswalk, doing that soulful strut that suggests the whole world can hear the bass-heavy whimsydiddle blowing through the middle of his underfurnished cranial vault. As he steps into the crosswalk, he notices that a Prius (probably metallic green) is breaching the crosswalk paint by half an inch. It’s a crosswalk incursion! As Ear Buddy passes in front of your, car he is either looking dramatically at your invasive front bumper, or staring stone-faced at you through the windshield. It’s as if you ran down his little brother moments before and he hasn’t forgotten. Yaay! You’ve just experienced Califorbearance©! The pedestrian’s stern expression is actually beaming at you a kind of brutalist forgiveness. You didn’t ask for it, and neither were you aware of needing his absolution, but there you have it. Drink in his Califorbearance© with gratitude. Example 2: You’re in Trader Joe’s and make the monstrous tactical mistake of stopping briefly to examine the several shelves of gluten-free soaps. As the words “gluten-free soap” gain puzzled traction in your gray matter and begin to occupy the little hamster wheel you keep up there, you suddenly feel a hulking negative presence to your right. When you tremulously dare to look (another mistake) you see a dreadlocked, yogic tension-guru wearing dusky purple Punjab pants and a riotous beard that might make Rip Van Winkle gag. He is attended by a patchouli cloud that could bring down an airplane. The vibe is pure frozen-faced “patience”; that projectile patience that hits you like the blast wind from a hydrogen bomb. Califorbearance©! Do you feign renewed interest in the gluten-free soap and further antagonize the organic ...continued p.27
P R I VAT E J E T C H A R T E R FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE
S a n ta Ba r b a r a Av i at i on . c o m 805.967.9000 B A S E D I N S A N TA B A R B A R A S I N C E 1 9 9 9
3721 Modoc Road Santa Barbara, CA 93105 805-687-3734 www.EmanuelLutheransb.org
Weekly Events: Sunday:
9:30 am Worship (Holy Communion 1st & 3rd Sundays) 11:00 am Bible Study (new topic each week) 5:30 pm College Group Meeting
Tuesday:
7:00 pm Prayer
Wednesday: 6:00 pm Fellowship Dinner (all are welcome) 7:30 pm Bible Study (find out who Jesus is, why we need a Savior, and how a man who lived 2000 years ago can matter to our daily lives)
Thursday:
3:00 pm Bible Study (Gospel of John)
Friday:
8:30 am Men’s Bible study and fellowship
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