Ernie’s World
by Ernie Witham
For sale � 520 W. junipero st.
± 1 , 8 0 0 s F c l a ss a m e dic a l /o F F ic e b uil din g
Ernie is the author of three humor books. His latest travel humor book Where Are Pat and Ernie Now? is available at local bookstores and amazon.com.
Outing Myself
I
will do almost anything to avoid the task of marketing. “Whew, the dog really needs a bath.” “I’m on it!” “And the drain in the bathroom sink is backing up again.” “I’m on it!” “And a friend just offered us free tickets to the opera this evening.” “Can’t, I’ve got to do some marketing.” It’s not that I don’t appreciate the importance of self-promotion; without it, people have no idea what you have been up to lately. “Say, did I tell you about my new humor book?” “I didn’t know you were a humor writer.” “I’ve been sending you my columns for the last seventeen years!” “Well, yeah, but I didn’t know they were supposed to be funny.” The problem is that there are so many things you are supposed to do now to promote yourself on social media. You are supposed to make virtual appearances, hold virtual book signings, make dynamic YouTube videos showing people how clever you are, and even introduce your virtual family (or make one up): “Hi, Ernie Trump here. I know how to build a better book! Plus, I’m going to have a ‘yuge’ following. Yuge, I tell ya.” That’s one of the reasons I’ve been on Facebook for years. “I just got my ten-thousandth friend on Facebook. How many do you have, Ernie?” “Ah, eleven…” “Do you post every day?” “No, but I floss regularly.” And of course, there is Twitter, which moves at the speed of light and where you are only allowed 140 characters per tweet, so you have to be clever and concise. “Hello, my name is Ernie. I’m new to this entire social media thing, but I thought you would like to know all about me. I was born a long, long time ago in a land far, far away and…” “Errrrooorrrr.” “Sorry. Guess I got a bit wordy there. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. My wife says I ramble, but I wouldn’t really call it rambling. It’s just that I want to make sure I am fully understood. So…” “Errrrooorrrr.” “For crying out loud, who thought up this stupid hundred and forty-character thing, anyway? A moron who can’t put two thoughts together, 8 – 15 September 2016
so he created a site where you only need half a thought?” “Errrrooorrrr. Errrrooorrrr. Errrrooorrrr.” LinkedIn is a great site because it is made for professionals seeking advice and employment from other professionals. “Hi, Albert. Wow, astrophysicist, eh? I’m a humoristist, and many people think I’m really out there, so we probably have a lot in common. Want to connect? Albert? Hello?” Some of the new marketing options out there are a bit hard to understand. “What is Pinterest?” “Do you have a bulletin board at home, Ernie?” “Well, I did have one, but everything on it kind of got old, yellow, and brittle and my wife thought it might be a fire hazard, which I thought was a bit melodramatic, but I took it down.” “What happened to it?” “It disintegrated on the way to the garage.” “Well, Pinterest is a virtual bulletin board. You can put whatever you want on it.” “Great! Where do I find it?” “You have to make your own.” “I have to make a virtual bulletin board and put virtual stuff on it?” “Correct.” “Who will see it?” “Virtually no one.” Selfies are important now. The idea is you take photos of yourself approximately every 27 seconds and post them on Instagram, so that everyone can see what a fascinating life you lead and want to know more about you, so they buy your books. “Hello? Apple store? My iPhone is dead again and I wasn’t even shooting in the shower this time. I was simply trimming my ear hairs. What do you think happened?” “I’m guessing smartphone suicide.” There are a bunch of other sites, of course, including Snapchat, Vine, WhatsApp, and Tumblr, which is a site that lets you post micro blogs. “Hello I…” “Errrrooorrrr.” “Why are you all dressed up? I thought you had marketing to do? “I thought maybe I would just bring some books to the opera, talk incessantly about them until the people around me buy some, just to shut me up.” “Great idea! You should market that.” Hmm. Obnoxious, the new marketing site by Ernie Witham. I like it! •MJ
Ideal For An Owner-User | Offered at $1,950,000 Located directly across the street from Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital, this first class medical/office building boasts a large reception and patient waiting area, 4 private offices and 4 exam rooms, one of which is built out as a minor surgery room. The property features a functional floor plan, charming outdoor patio area and excellent parking behind the building. Austin Herlihy
Steve Brown
Chris Parker
805.879.9633
805.879.9607
805.879.9642
BRE 01518112
BRE 00461986
BRE 01887788
The Radius Team. Monumental Results. Every Time. 2 0 5 E . C a r r i l l o s t. s u i t E 1 0 0 | s a n ta B a r B a r a C a 9 3 1 0 1 8 0 5 . 9 6 5 . 5 5 0 0 | r a d i u s g r o u p. C o m
County of Santa Barbara Montecito Planning Commission
NOTICE OF PUBLIC HEARING Short-term Rental Ordinance
123 East Anapamu Street, Santa Barbara, CA, 93101 On Wednesday, September 21, 2016, the Montecito Planning Commission will hold a public hearing to consider making a recommendation to the Board of Supervisors regarding ordinance amendments concerning the land use of Short-Term Rentals. The project includes the following items: 1. Case No. 15ORD-00000-00003. Adopt a recommendation to the Board of Supervisors that the Board of Supervisors adopt an ordinance (16ORD-00000-00011) amending Division 35.2, Montecito Zones and Allowable Land Uses, Division 35.3, Montecito Site Planning and Other Project Standards, and Division 35.10, Glossary of the Santa Barbara County Montecito Land Use and Development Code, of Chapter 35, Zoning, of the Santa Barbara County Code, to implement new regulations regarding the land use of Short-Term Rentals; and 2. Determine that the project is exempt from the California Environmental Quality Act pursuant to Sections 15061(b)(3) of the Guidelines for Implementation of CEQA. The Ordinances propose to implement new regulations and other revisions permitting the land use of Short-Term Rentals where other transient lodging uses are also permitted and to prohibit the land use of Short-Term Rentals in Residential, Agricultural, Resource Protection, Industrial, and Special Purpose zone districts in the Santa Barbara County Montecito Land Use and Development Code. The Montecito Planning Commission meeting begins at 9:00 a.m. The order of items listed on the agenda is subject to change by the Commission. Anyone interested in this matter is invited to appear and speak on the project. Written comments are also welcome. All letters should be addressed to the Montecito Planning Commission, 123 East Anapamu Street, Santa Barbara, CA, 93101 or dvillalo@countyofsb.org. Correspondence should be filed no later than 12:00 P.M. on the Monday before the Montecito Planning Commission hearing. For additional information, please contact the project planner, Jessica Metzger at: Email: jmetzger@countyofsb.org | Tel: 805-568-3532 If you challenge the project in court, you may be limited to raising only those issues you or someone else raised at the public hearing described in this notice, or in written correspondence to the Board of Supervisors prior to the public hearing. Attendance and participation by the public is invited and encouraged. In compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, if you need special assistance to participate in this meeting, please contact the Hearing Support Staff (805) 568-2000. Notification at least 48 hours prior to the meeting will enable the Hearing Support Staff to make reasonable arrangements.
Stealing a man’s wife, that’s nothing. But stealing his car, that’s larceny. – James Cain
MONTECITO JOURNAL
23