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W W W. S A N TA B A R B A R A S E N T I N E L .CO M
It'sCrimetime...
...with the SBPD
A variety of crimes are committed every day in Santa Barbara; most of these crimes are petty but they do offer a window into if not the soul of the perpetrator, at least his or her thought process. Our following (and totally unsolicited) thoughts, observations, and comments are put forth for your consideration.
Red Bull Has A New Slogan
A
22-year-old Red Bull “on-premise marketer” from Los Angeles was visiting Santa Barbara last weekend – not on company time, we assume – when a witness watched her crash her vehicle into a parked car on the lower Westside around midnight… and then simply drive away. The witness wasn’t having any of that, of course, and called SBPD with a partial plate and description. Officers found a car matching the description with damage to the front bumper and followed it until it made an illegal turn onto a one-way street. (Like we said a couple weeks ago, drunks and tourists don’t stand a chance in our diabolical downtown maze.) They pulled the young woman over, and she told them that, while she didn’t remember hitting and running, she did remember panicking suddenly and without any good reason while driving… so anything was possible. Then she blew a .25 BAC. We don’t know, maybe it wasn’t just a sudden and totally unprovoked panic attack that affected her memory. Maybe it was something else. Red Bull give you... driiiiiiiinks!
Man Exposes Anthony Weiner At Children’s Park A local nanny brought the children she cares for to a popular local park as she had done many times in the past. This time, however, there was nobody else there; nobody else other than a 26-year-old local man acting very strangely near some benches above the play structure. The woman was responsible and kept the kids close. Then the man approached her directly, unzipped his pants, pulled out his (probably tiny) kielbasa and started doing stuff to it. Weird stuff. The woman ran to the kids, protected them, and left immediately. She called the cops and they responded fast, found the guy and arrested him. (We hope he stays in jail for a long time.)
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CRIME TIME QUOTES OF THE WEEK “[Expletive] this, go ahead and tase me.”
- Famous last words of a 41-year-old woman found “huffing” from multiple canisters of compressed gas just before she fought police officers in attempt to avoid arrest. (She failed.)
We’re Never Eating Baloney Sandwiches Again A 52-year-old Santa Barbara man with a good job was found at 5:30pm one evening last week “without clothing and intoxicated to the point where he was taken to the hospital.” Upon his release, he was unable to walk or form a sentence so he was detained for public intoxication. One question: Did he have to go the drunk tank nude? What a total nightmare. Wonder if he used the dry baloney sandwich to hide his unmentionables.
Aggressive Officers Arrest Sleeping Youngster For Public Intoxication SBPD discovered a 22-year-old “pet food clerk” passed out in a parked vehicle at 2:10am early one morning last week. When officers woke him up, it was clear that the young man was inebriated. So they arrested him for public drunkenness. Come on guys, some judgment is on order on this one. Let the guy sleep it off in his car; at least he wasn’t driving like almost every other drunken 22-year-old with an available car in town. Cut the kid some slack – he probably couldn’t afford the cab home on “pet food clerk” wages. What the hell was he supposed to do? Sleep on the street? Oh, wait…
One Tough Question A group of women flagged down officers on State Street late one night last weekend after a 31-year-old local man wouldn’t stop following and harassing them. When SBPD approached, the guy jammed his hands into his pockets and started acting weird. Following multiple requests for him to remove his hands from his pockets for the safety of responding cops, the man eventually pulled his pants “up so that they were tight against his genitals” and asked officers if they would like to see his, uh, Anthony Weiner. (That’s twice in one column. And it isn’t even vaguely political.) Officers’ answers to the invitation were nowhere in the police report and thus we can only guess at what might have been. What is clear from the report, however, is that it took quite a fight to bring the guy down. In fact, after some serious rough and tumble, one officer was forced to “drive-stun” the perp. (Drive-stun, for those of you less-militaristic people out there, is when a stun gun is pressed directly against the skin rather than used from a distance. It is safe to assume that it feels terrible and results in quick compliance.) He was arrested soon thereafter for resisting and public drunkenness and all sorts of other bad things. So, then, was it a no, officers?
Double Shot Of Mellow Yellow A 49-year-old transient male was arrested at 5:20pm one evening last week in Alameda Park for drinking and yelling at pedestrians. He urinated all over the back of the patrol car on the way to the slammer. (That’s one.) A 22-year-old transient male was passed out in a popular local coffee shop with urine soaked jeans. He was asked repeatedly to leave but refused – until he was arrested, urine soaked jeans and all. (That’s two.)
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