SAVAGE LOVE

that side of myself. I don’t know if I never explored this side of myself out of fear, internalized homophobia or that the right girl never presented herself. Now I need to choose. Do I stay with my long-term partner, a man I love dearly, and tamp down this side of myself? Or do I break up with him and explore my sexuality? If we didn’t have kids, I would choose the latter. We have talked about opening up the relationship, but he is way too hurt for that to be an option anymore. I know I majorly fucked up. I betrayed his trust and snuck around with this girl. Am I just a horrible person who needs to get her shit together and somehow patch things up with my partner? Or is exploring my sexuality something that I should prioritize over stability and long-term love?

If you were childless — or childfree — you would leave. But you aren’t childfree, CAF, and you owe it to your kids to at least try to make things work with your long-term partner.

That said, CAF, you aren’t obligated to stay in a relationship you can’t make work.

If your actions have irrevocably destroyed your partner’s ability to trust you, and if you can’t come to some sort of accommodation moving forward that allows you to be the person you are (an accommodation that could take many different forms), ending it may ultimately be in the best interests of your kids. Because a bitter, loveless, high-conflict relationship will not only make you and your partner miserable, but it will also make your kids miserable.

If your relationship never recovers from the blows you’ve inflicted on it — if you can’t get past this — then you’ll have to end it. But at this point you simply don’t know whether or how this relationship can be salvaged. Give it a chance, do the work and see where you are in a year. If leaving was the right thing to do, it’ll still be the right thing to do a year from now. If leaving was the wrong thing to do, you won’t be able to undo it a year from now.

P.S. Bisexual People? Please get out there and suck some dick and/or eat some pussy before you make a monogamous commitment to an opposite-sex partner — or a same-sex partner, for that matter, though I get fewer letters from bisexuals in same-sex relationships who’ve recently “explored” their bisexuality (with disastrous consequences) or begged their same-sex partners for permission to “explore” their bisexuality (and been threatened with disastrous consequences).

Yeah, yeah: Bisexual people can honor monogamous commitments. But as you may have noticed — as anyone who’s been paying attention should have noticed by now — monogamy isn’t easy for anyone.

While it’s considered bi-phobic to suggest that monogamy might be a little bit harder for bisexual people, most of the people making that argument to me are bisexuals who made monogamous commitments before fully exploring their sexualities. LGBTQ people never tire of pointing out how a particular thing might be harder for gay men and a different particular thing might be harder for lesbians and another particular thing might be a whole lot harder for trans people and a long list of other things might a bazillion times harder for asexuals, demisexuals, sapiosexuals, omnisexuals, etc. Yet it’s somehow taboo to suggest that monogamy — which, again, is pretty damn hard for everyone — might be a tiny bit harder for bisexuals.

Hey Dan: I’m a bisexual woman who once had an affair with a married man. (Let’s call him “AP.”) The affair ended a decade ago. I was in an abusive marriage at the time, and AP showed me what a loving, caring relationship was like. He was, and still is, happily married except for sexual dissatisfaction. His wife has an extremely low sex drive and is a prude. (She calls sex “icky.”) AP, on the other hand, has a high libido and is very adventurous. He loves anal, threesomes, etc., and has had experiences with men when he was younger. He loves his wife and kids, and I love him, so when we were discovered, I removed myself from the situation. I left the abuser, did a LOT of work on myself and found an awesome, open-minded, sexy bisexual new husband. Would I be an asshole if I sent an indecent proposal to AP and his wife? Everything out in the open this time. A one-time invitation to meet in a neutral place where the four of us could get to know each other. Then, if everyone is comfortable, we can have some naughty adult play time that would include all the stuff she doesn’t enjoy (anal, same-sex play, oral, etc.). I’ve come to a point that I realize a healthy relationship is based on far more than monogamy, and if my husband really wanted to engage in something I had no interest in, I’d give him my blessing. But that’s me. I hate the idea of AP living out the rest of his life unfulfilled. My husband is fully on board.

Do not do this.

P.S. A woman who doesn’t wanna do anal, oral or same-sex play is highly unlikely to wanna watch her husband do any of those things in front of her — particularly with a former affair partner.

Send your burning questions to mailbox@savage.love Podcasts, columns, merch and more at savage.love

Senior Software Engineer @ MastercardInternational Incorporated (O'Fallon, MO) F/T Assstwthall aspctsof the sftwrdvlpmntlife cycl. Rspnsblfor gthrng, undrstndng, and anlyssof bsnssrqrmntsfor nwprdcts. Mast's deg or frgnequiv in Cmptr/ Elctricl/ Elctrnic/ Mchncl/ IndstrlEngg, MngmntInfo Systms, BsnssAdmnstrtn, or rltdtchnclfld & 2 yrs of exp in the jboffrd, or as SftwreEngnr, IT Engnr, SftwreDvlpr, TchnclLead, Prgrmmr Anlystor rltd. Altrntvly, emplyrwllaccpta Bach's deg & 5 yrs of prgrssvly rspnibleexp. Qulfyngexp mstincldeat least 1 yr w/ echof the fllwng: JAVA/J2EE; SQL; PL/SQL; HTML/XHTML; JSON/XML; ORACLE/MYSQL; SPRING/STRUTS; APACHE TOMCAT/TOMCAT; WINDOWS/LINUX; ECLIPSE; JENKINS OR CI/CD TOOLS. Emplyrwllaccptany suitblcmbntn of edctn, trnng, or exprnce. Option to work from home-based office exists. Must reside within O'Fallon, MO metropolitan area or within normal commute area. Send resume to KelsieCarbone, Kelsie.Carbone@mastercard.com, 2000 Purchase St., Purchase, NY 10577. Reference MC03-2023.