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The Lowdown Times
Thursday 6th June 2013
RAIDING LOOTERS RAIDED Carl Marks
Led away by police, looters cover their faces and hang their heads low, whilst a bolshy girlfriend wrestles with another officer.
Whilst many people were still tucked up in bed at 4am yesterday morning, the Lowdown Metropolitan Police force were gathering outside Red End flats to apprehend gang member suspects from the riots and looting that took place last month. Pulled out of bed and still in their underwear, yet inexplicably wearing red bandana masks, the suspected looters were taken downtown to be charged and interviewed, whilst their flats were searched for stolen goods. One admitted his guilt, exclaiming "I ain't done nothing, get your hands off of me" in that oh so classic case of a
ROOT OF EVIL
Gemma Hendericks Developers have literally been stopped in their tracks by a group of environmental activists from uprooting part of Green Forest and developing the land. The ‘Conservation of Unusual Nature Territories Society’ is trying to stop local developers turn a part of the forest into a carpet and ice cream megastore. Green Forest, part of Lowdown‘s green belt, is the country’s only habitat for the ‘Lesser Spotted Blue Hunter’ butterfly, which, although timid on its own, is known to attack individuals when flying in a large group. Members of the society arrived at the forest ahead of developers last Monday morning and have been blocking attempts to clear the area of trees. Armed with crude signs and shouting ineffectual slogans like “Take a toke, not an oak!”, “Make like a tree and fuck off!” and “Please don’t do this.”, the society has managed to delay the developers for over four days now. The prolonged standoff has now seen the involvement of the local
police and even some of the riot squad division. Although peaceful, the protest is by no means quiet, with many members strumming their guitars and bashing their maracas to apparently “flood the area with good vibes”, as one protester too intoxicated to remember his name explained. Elaborating, he said "it's like, man, your weapons are guns but we use musical instruments and the notes like bullets, man...bullets that always hit".
Developers literally holding a blueprint.
One police officer was seen smashing a guitar, when questioned later by reporters, the officer replied the item had 'THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS' written on the front and was destroyed as a safety precaution. When another protester offered a riot policeman a flower, it was promptly knocked out his hand and smashed to a flowery pulp with a baton. Head spokesman for the society, April Pod Blossom, defends the group’s action as “Green Forest is a spiritual place, a place that gives the rest of the city vital lifeforce, as well as the home of many animals. Chopping down a part of this forest is like circumcision” “We will stay here until our demands are met and we save the forest, or as long as our supply of trailmix and cannabis lasts...it’s really a case of whichever gives out first”. Whilst the developers of ‘Shagpile & Cone Ltd.’ have complete planning permission to go ahead, no one wishes to touch the protesting hippies because they “smell awful and are really quite slippery when you get down to it”.
double negative, whereas another suspect was heard to have said something involving Margaret Thatcher and the contents of a happy meal that was too graphic to quote. The list of recovered items included lamp, a hamster ball, a Michael Barrymore calendar, a multipack of foreign envelopes, a roll of solar powered carpet and the last chapter of a wizard book, totaling a cost of £230.14. When found guilty, because they totally have the look of criminals, the culprits will serve a minimum prison sentence of five years whilst wearing dunce caps and will be branded with a permanent ‘ASBO’ mark on their foreheads and lumbar.
Handmade cardboard signs are the fuel of revolutions the world over.
MAN FARTS, SNEEZES, COUGHS, SHITS AND VOMITS ALL AT ONCE
PRETTIER THAN REAL LIFE Alan Pull I’m one of those rare people that still doesn’t have a mobile phone. Somehow I manage and that’s fine but for others the thought of going without their phone for a day is bad enough. I don’t begrudge them that, I’m sure if I actually bought an iPhone I’d grow to really like it and rely on it. What I don’t understand is everyone’s obsession with looking at the world though the camera in their phone.
When I go to an event that is even remotely special, it’s not long before I see someone pull out their phone to take a photo or, worse, watch their screen as it records a video. “It looks better on the screen, it looks more...real” my friends attest all the time when I give them the now familiar quizzical look. I say put your phone in the pocket, enjoy what you‘re doing and if it’s a moment that really matters to you, you won’t forget it.
Secure some personal space on the underground by looking and smelling like shit. Simon Kay
“This view is Instagram gold.”
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Paramedics were called to Haring Square tube station after a man was found collapsed in a pool of his own gases, fluids and solids on the tube. Reports from startled commuters suggest the man had already been in quite a state when he boarded the carriage. Before the train could reach the next stop, the man is alleged to have simultaneously passed gas,
sneezed, coughed, defecated and vomited. “It was like all the different parts of his body were having a competition with each other to see who could be the most disgusting. I don’t know who won but I can assure you that the losers were everyone that was unlucky enough to be in that carriage when that shit literally went down.” one pale commuter told us. Officials said the carriage in question has now been destroyed.
MYSTERY WRECKAGE Daniel DeToe The wreckage of a rowboat was discovered washed up on Corbert Beach this morning, discovered by a swathe of people who like long walks on the beach and holding hands. Although no bodies were found with the wreckage, one particularly soggy cat was found clinging to an oar, who was immediately rushed to the nearest vet and is said to be in stable condition after lapping up an entire plate of warm milk.
Oar we there yet?