Thursday 6th June 2013
The Lowdown Times
3
HOUSTON, WE HAVE CATS Ian Flate When pigs fly? Forget about that, how about cats?! That’s what some residents of Lowdown city have seen floating through the sky, chasing frightened pigeons, in what now appears to be the latest trend amongst kids these days. It’s called ‘cat ballooning’, also known as ‘sky kitties’, ‘easyMeow’, ‘floaty felines’ or ‘helium pussies’ to list but a few names. But what exactly is this dangerous new game? One cat ballooner, under the agreement he remain anonymous for fear of purrsecution, explained to us how it’s done. It first involves getting a number of balloons, often stolen from street vendors, which are then tied to the cat in a quiet place. The cats are strapped into a harness to prevent any discomfort around which the balloons are secured. Our informant told us that
the number of required balloons can vary but said that it was “a lot less than you’d expect”. After that, it’s a case of letting them go. Are the cats not traumatized by the ordeal, we ask? Apparently not. “Initially, at least, the cats we’ve flown have seemed indifferent to what we were doing, as cats usually are about everything, but once they understand what we’re doing, they somehow look really eager for it. Once they’re in the air, they just start chasing the nearest bird they see, it’s funny as hell”. Despite these assurances, public opinion has been predominately negative about this so called ‘game’. The RSPCA has issued a damning statement, asking for “the media not to explain how the practice is done and for all copycat cat ballooners to stop immediately”. One elderly resident of Red End flats told us “in my day we played with a stick and a hoop, and you were lucky
CHIP OFF THE VERY OL’ BLOCK
if you even had a hoop”. However another resident, thought to be a failed poet, said he saw one "cat continued to chase the birds higher into the midnight sky, meowing and pawing hopefully into the crisp air...the birds continued to fly onwards, whilst the pioneering cat floated higher and higher up, with the sky played host to yet another dream". In related news, the annual Pigeon Racer’s Championships, which was held in Slovakia last year, has been cancelled in England for fear of the athletes being eaten.
CAR TAX
FRAUD Karl Rover
The County Council has released figures that show only a fraction of the city’s residents have paid for their car tax disc this year. Rates for cars with engines of under 1549CC have gone up to £140pa, £225pa for engines over 1549CC and cars with three wheels or less now cost £95pa. Further investigation reveals the only vehicles that have paid tax are
The distant sound of lofty meow’ing is a telltale sign that helium pussies are near.
‘Cod In The Act’ is the favourite haunt of hungry people, drunks and pigeons. Vin Edgar Charlie wraps up the order and slides it across the counter to me. I look down, seeing that my portion has been wrapped up in an old copy of the Lowdown Times, and chuckle. Charlie squints down and lets out laugh and exclaims “don’t worry, I don’t just use your paper as chip wrapper, I do read it sometimes!”. Charlie is the husky owner of Cod In The Act, the city’s best chip shop, which celebrates it’s 50th year of business. Having opened in 1963, Charlie says that he hasn’t taken a single day off; not for his honeymoon or even for
the birth of his two children, although when questioned further, Charlie admits he took the evening off when ‘the boys’ won the World Cup in 1966 because he felt a little emotional. When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, the shop decided to include balls of cheese with every order until Armstrong returned to Earth. Whereas the fall of the Berlin wall gave Charlie the idea to swap out the shop’s usual sausages with bratwurst in a show of solidarity with the lovely people of Germany. When I asked Charlie where he saw the chip shop in another 50 years, he simply replied “here”. I doubt it. He’s already 74.
Builders not brickin’ it over tax probe. construction vehicles, like forklift trucks and steamrollers. A DVLA representative has been quoted as saying "I don't know what's going on but either people are not paying for their vehicles or suddenly everyone has started walking and taking the underground; you tell me which is more likely?”. The DVLA is now forming a team to go outside and tally how many cars they see and what colour they are.
So hungry you could eat a horse?
TODAY’S WEATHER
We’ve got you covered.
MARKET SUPER
GLUTTONS FOR NOURISHMENT