10
The Lowdown Times
READER’S EMAILS
Who needs enemies...
OH PISS Thanks to Uriah Oubov for sending in this hilarious photo of his friend getting a little wet from above, despite the fact it was a clear day. You know you’re hanging out with the right people when they would rather take a photo of you getting pissed on from above than tell you to step to the side. Thank you for sending in our ‘Photo of the day’, Uri, your £50 is in the post...maybe buy your poor mate a pint with some of the money, eh?
“I think our Prime Minister should be forced to live in council housing and on benefits, then we’ll see how fast things change in this country! I also want this to happen so I can lob a brick through his window...tried it once with his gaff on Downing Street but I didn’t get very far because it’s a gated community.” - Jim B.
“I feel the need...the need for speed. Can anyone hook me up?” - Charlie S.
“We should make the signs at airports and harbours point to the entrances to the country written in really complicated English, no arrows or anything, just like ‘Take your first left prior to the azure atrium, follow the promenade for a quarter of sixty minutes and then ascend the escalator parallel to the pharmacy to set foot on this glorious land”. It’ll confuse the immigrants and they’ll just go back home. - Emma E.
“I just wanted to let everyone know that Winston Churchill believed in the theory of eugenics. Just like Mr Hitler. Chew on that.” - Samuel G.
“If we evolved from these monkeys, right, how come monkeys are still about?” - Ben D. “Magic penis pills! Increase your size to 13” in three easy steps. Click link for more details.” - ea1133 a33af_-gg7
“Your newspaper is such poor quality that I’d sooner rub my arsehole on the cat than use this paper to wipe my bum because I’d only end up with even more shit on my arse.” - Fuck Y.
“I saw you with that skank, Jamie, we’re finished, you bastard. You said that last time was THE last time but clearly it wasn’t. P.S. I’ve been farting on your toothbrush for the past two months.” - Kimberly O. “John G. raped and murdered my wife.” - Leonard S. “It turns out I really like the taste of horse but now I can’t find it anywhere.” - Gemma D.
...the page where you can tell Britain your inane little thoughts and beliefs.
“I believe my newborn baby girl is the reincarnation of the late Margaret Thatcher. She keeps snatching at my breast...if you want the rest of this story, please get in touch and we’ll talk about my fee.” - Caroline H. “Hi Betty, I have just got the hang of this email business, I hope this letter reaches you well because I couldn’t see where to put the stamps. Sincerely, Philip”
Thursday 6th June 2013
JOKE HOLE Q: How do you seduce a fat woman? A: Piece of cake. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this clown taste funny to you?". Q: Why dont blind men skydive? A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog. A backward poet writes inverse. Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny.
TWEETS OF THE DAY - Philip F.
“Don’t eat yellow snow. More importantly, don’t lick brown icicles.” - Anonymous “Millimeters is interchangeable with millilitres, right?” - Zoe M “From now on I want everyone to call me ‘The Zinc Bandit’. If you call me by my old name or you ask why I’m called ‘The Zinc Bandit’, I’m going to punch you square in the face.” - The Zinc Bandit
@JtotheChris Has anyone else ever smelt their own poo and suddenly felt hungry? @Malcolmey1988 Just sneezed over all my caviar #FML @WarholToucherG At an art show, all overpriced bollocks that my kid could paint...blindfolded. @itsinthewater Does this look infected? I think it’s infected. pic.twitter.com/StIBJl2jbOk
IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE? YESTERDAY’S
RESULTS:
DO YOU AGREE WITH THE GOVERNMENT’S PROPOSAL TO INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF WEEKLY MATHS LESSONS IN OUR SCHOOLS?
YES NO
34% 67%
TODAY’S QUESTION:
HAS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE TOO FAR?
Unfortunately image analysts were unable to enhance the pixels... Jerry Shuster Or could this really be Superman? Sent in by Joe Siegal, could this tiny, blurry snap of a soaring figure taken somewhere above Pyatt sea really be the man of steel? “I was just admiring the view from Torl Cliffs and I saw this flash of something pass overhead. At first I thought it was just a police drone keeping me safe but after I saw the underpants, I suspected otherwise and
took a quick photo.” Joe explains. There is an unmistakeable flash of a red cape, although the man appears to be holding a bag of shopping. Could it be that Superman shops at Market Super? We passed this photo onto expert image analysts for study and the verdict was “Sorry, what? Superman? You’re asking if this is a comic book character in this horrible mobile phone photo? No. No it is not Superman. What are you? Five? Get out.”
Win! Two free tickets for a five night stay in London with three friends
worth £250, plus a free voucher valid for 6 months to an unlimited supply of 500 DVDs, along with a daily subscription to a VIP beach-and-boat cruise celebrating the 25th anniversary of your custom kitchen and a complimentary exercise bike with iPod dock and blue Nintendo Wii stand 24 hour shopping spree courtesy of Kellogs! Just answer this simple question... What colour is this triangle? A. Light green B. Mint C. Pastel forest D. Blue Text your answer to 40401, texts cost £3/mph and winners will be announced in the Thursday 13th June 2013 edition of The Lowdown Times inside a drawing of a small, nervous dove with one eye.
MISSING DOG
YES / NO / ...BLOODY RAGHEADS
Text your vote to 80085 before midnight, typical mobile network charges apply.
SOCK IT TO ME A man was baffled earlier today when he stumbled across an old red sock he had lost a week ago, after drying his clothes on the roof of his flat, on a walk through Green Forest. The baffled man said “I’m not even mad, that’s amazing!”.
‘Dog’ loves big butts and cannot lie. Black dog missing since yesterday morning, last seen at Corbert beach. Answers to the name ‘Dog’ and will probably still be wearing half a green leash. Enjoys chasing cats, digging for bones, getting boisterous with his tail, getting confused at the smell of its own farts and barks at Jimmy Carr whenever he appears on the TV and is standing with his hands together. If found, please call 07794796324. Wanted not dead and preferably alive. Reward to be negotiated.
The little sock that could.
ON CLOUD NINE It’s not often you get to play a practical joke on your boss, unless your name is Micky Jones and you work on a construction site. Seeing his boss asleep on a crane’s lifting pallet, Micky hoisted his sleeping beauty of a boss up in the middle of the air and left him there. “Everyone had a good laugh when he woke up and nearly fell off the edge. We left him dangling for a moment but brought him down once lunch ended. Micky has since been fired by his boss for ‘reckless behavior’ but he says that “it was totally worth it”.