smart ass HOW TO
PROMOTE LIKE A PRO by Ms. Rivercity
S
o you got a million dollar idea ha? You wanna be a business man ha? You wanna drive a big Benz ha? Well guess what, your million dollar idea ain’t worth shit without the right promotional plan. Without knowledge of the game and funds to invest, your futile attempts will fail. But what if you’re not equipped with dope boy money or eight marketing degrees? How can you compete when everyone else has it made? Stop being a cry baby cause I’ve got some fool-proof tips for all you wannabe P. Diddy’s. A warning though, the capitalistic bastards of our society do not want you to have this info. But I say screw that “game is to be sold, not to be told” motto. Some of us spend days and weeks researching and investing thousands of dollars in seminars, conferences, and workshops so that we can pass the info on to poor unfortunate souls like yourself. Pay attention bitches, this is the ultimate breakdown in promoting like a pro.
Your Team
You never want to be seen promoting your own product, doing your own networking, or making your own phone calls. Your job is to be a superstar, not a workhorse. Get together a group of friends and supporters you can easily persuade to do your dirty work. It’s best to find some “interns” you don’t have to pay. Promise them you’ll help them up the ladder and put in a good word for them. Once they’ve successfully built your brand, take over the empire. Get rid of anyone that can take credit for the work. Credit belongs to you, you, you. It’s okay to step on those that help you along the way. That’s why they’re called “little people.” Chances are they’ll never reach your level and you’ll never need them again.
WWW
This is the most common form of promotion and the most effective in my opinion. The best thing about flyers is they cost next to nothing. For less than a penny a piece you can have the same promo item as everyone else on the face of the planet. Call up that efficient student designer of yours and in about five minutes you’ll have the cleanest looking graphics the world has ever seen. If you’re a do-it-yourselfer, you can just copy some standard clip art onto white paper at Kinkos. As for circulating the flyers, just send your street team to the most saturated parking lots in town, usually near the nightclub district. Most likely someone else has already covered the area, but you can just pile your material on top of theirs. Personally, I can’t wait to stumble out of the club after five shots of Patron and un-wallpaper the most expensive thing I own. I’ll be honest though, no way in hell am I’m gonna read a flyer at 4 a.m., but they do make great street decorations.
Myspace
The newest craze in promotion is of course the infamous, fun-filled world of Myspace. If you created a profile, congratulations, you’re now an official member of civilization. There’s no special formula to creating a Myspace buzz. Just make up a cut-and-paste message, approximately 2,000 words long, and send it to everyone who’s still alive. If that doesn’t get you enough attention, show off a bunch of half naked pictures you’ve cropped and angled to perfection. If you run into your Myspace friends and for some ridiculous reason they don’t recognize you, feel free to get offended. These assholes should know who you are by now.
You never want to be seen promoting your own product, doing your own networking, or making your own phone calls. Your job is to be a superstar, not a workhorse. Get together a group of friends and supporters you can easily persuade to do your dirty work.
It’s been said that a website is the first and most important tool for entrepreneurs to establish their image and get exposure. Actually, I’m not sure if anyone really said that, but it sounds good. Anyway, most people will tell you to include a bio and contact info on your website. But nobody really gives a shit about your life story and you damn sure don’t want people having any real access to you. Feel free to leave off the above information to save yourself the hassle; everyone else does. As for the actual design of your site, professionalism is cool but costly. Find a college student willing to throw together a web page for the low. Sure, half the links won’t work, the words “coming soon” will be plastered everywhere, and it’ll be hard as hell to update it in the future, but at least you won’t get ripped off.
Email Campaigns
If you don’t have an email address, don’t sweat it. People have only been using email for the past ten years so the concept is still kinda new. No one expects you to be up on all this nerdy technology crap anyway. Email accounts are free, but it takes too much effort to get on a computer and type in www. yahoo.com. So if you can’t get one of your handy interns to set up your email, just skip this section all together. If you do have an email address, you’re way ahead of the game already. All you need now is ten email addresses from your tight circle of friends. Don’t worry about branching out just yet; remember you want your friends to do all the work. Okay, an effective chain email will look something like this: From: kingsmoothnutz@hotmail.com Subject: URGENT!!!!! Message: WUT IT DEW!!!!!!!! CHECK OUT MY [insert whatever the hell you’re selling here] IM THE SHIT STRAIGHT UP KNOBODY IS FUCKIN WIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEND THIS TO TEWNTY OF YOUR FREINDS AND FAMLY!!!!!!!!!! 22
Flyers
Media Advertising
Actually, the whole concept of advertising is overrated so this will be brief. You could spend your whole budget on advertising alone but nobody ever benefits from thousands of people seeing their product or service in vibrant, eye-catching print. Radio, television commercials and billboards are also pointless as they only serve to fatten the pockets of big corporations. As a matter of fact, you should make some picket signs and post up outside of your local broadcasting stations. Shit, they might even give you some free press for having the balls to stand up to them. Or they might have you arrested, which takes us to the next topic.
Publicity Stunts
There’s no quicker way to get your name out there than doing something completely off the wall and very controversial. For example: Stage a fake arrest. Rob a bank. Attack a police officer. Shoot up a church. Start beef with someone more important than you. No matter which route you choose, just be sure to do it big. The old saying is true, bad publicity is better than no publicity. So, that pretty much covers all the basics of branding. These helpful hints were gathered from real life cases of pure marketing geniuses. Just follow their simple formula and your million dollar dreams will become a reality. For more tricks of the trade, you can email me at… oh, wait nobody uses email. Well, visit my website at www.promotingforretardeddumbasses.com or send me a vulgar message at three in the morning to me at www.myspace. com/msrivercity