Everyone likes a good awards show, so allow me to present the first annual edition of Teemoney’s Dirty South Awards. Commercial free, no bullshit, fuck the red carpet, and Joan Rivers is most definitely not invited. BEST SIDE HUSTLE Winner: Chingo Bling The Houston Press honored its hometown hero Chingo Bling with four of their Music Awards in 2004: Local Musician of the Year, Best Latin Rap, Best Local Label (for his Big Chile Enterprises) and Best New Act. We want to add Best Side Hustle to that list of accolades. The rapper has a business degree and a champion cock — his pimp cup toting, prizefighting rooster Cleto, which is probably not what you were thinking — and is known for shedding light on the oppression of the Latino community with a gift of humor. There are artists who began as drug dealers (or still maybe even moonlight as one), but Chingo Bling has instead made a lot of his money with a skillful blending of masa, pork shoulder and cumin, as he tells Murder Dog. “All the piece and chains, the toe wear, the ostriches, the custom Versaces with the Virgin Mary,” says Bling, also known as the Tamale Kingpin. “You can’t make all that off of CDs alone, you gotta have something else going on. Tamales is big business. I got that million dollar recipe...If you look at rap music, that’s all people talk about is slanging crack. They talk about cookin’ this and that up, and that started in the ‘80s in New York and then it spread around, and all these conspiracy theories about Ronald Reagan, but Chingo was cooking up something else.” All that, and Chingo Bling also has a kind heart for those who might not be quite as talented as he when it comes to the music. He has even put out an open offer on his Web site. “Rap isn’t for everybody,” he writes, “so put the mic down and come be one of my tamale wrappers.” RAWEST GROUPIE SCANDAL EVER Winner: Big Boi of OutKast Mixtapes are the place to go to when you want to hear rappers feeling a degree less censored and offering material that will not make it to their album, whether it’s lyrical beef being passed around by quarreling rappers or an exceptionally uncut story about life on the road. But there’s still usually a limit to what is talked about. Not on Atlanta DJ Drama’s Gangsta Grillz X mixtape, though. OutKast’s Big Boi, who hosts the whole set, talks about a scandalous evening many moons ago in a Chicago hotel room after a show. Amidst a session of large-scale sexual sharing, someone’s valuable ring ended up disappearing. No one would admit to taking it, until...“Somebody came clean, went in her puss and pulled out a ring,” says Big Boi. “That was the most gangster shit ever. I mean, Gangsta Grillz! Don’t get no mo’ gangster than that. That’s the first time I ever seen a bitch put some gold and diamonds in her pussy, trying to walk out a hotel room with a nigga ring.” MAN OF THE PEOPLE AWARD Winner: Mike Jones Who? Mike Jones! The successful independent rapper on the rise from Houston has been signed to the record label Swisha House since 2002, where he’s sold hundreds of thousands of units, mainly in the South alone. As of this writing
nual Atlantis Music Conference. Besides learning that she’s got both talent and charisma to take her far in this game, I also learned — and thankfully, not from personal experience — that she is not one to disrespect. “I don’t fight, I don’t argue. I just hit that bitch with a bottle,” she raps on the chorus of “Bottle Action.” “Got problems? I’ll solve ‘em. I just hit that bitch with a bottle.” Might sound a little rough translated on paper, but Miss B managed to craft a perfect tune for any woman who needs an anthem to safely express some anger and bust some heads open, metaphorically of course. Jermaine Dupri must’ve agreed, picking up the track for a crunk compilation on So So Def. I know I can only sit here in anticipation that she might get to record a video for “Bottle Action.” he’s readying the release of two more albums which, paired with the video exposure he’s gotten from BET’s UnCut program for his “Still Tippin” single and Swisha House’s new major label distribution deal, should spell far more sales and national acclaim to come. Just about every artist has a Web site; that isn’t anything too remarkable in itself. Mike Jones happens to have a very cool site (www.whomikejones.com). But no other artist, especially one of his stature, wants you to have his phone number. Mike Jones does. He even plasters it all over his T-shirts and mentions it often on records. Talk about a true man of the people. Don’t believe it? Call (281) 330-8004. And, uh, ask for Mike. THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR KEEPING IT TOO REAL Winner: Bushwick Bill Bushwick Bill set an impossibly high standard for keeping it too real back in 1991 when he flipped a traumatic incident into a memorable album cover for the Geto Boys’ We Can’t Be Stopped. After demanding that his girlfriend shoot him and put him out of his misery, Bill was indeed shot, though not fatally—in his face. Who can forget that ultimate photo of him being rolled down the hospital corridor on the gurney with Willie D and Scarface, bloody bandage dangling off his eye? We’re not exactly encouraging people to try to top Bill’s achievements, you understand. But in this age when everyone’s trying to separate the authentic from the fake more than ever, just keep We Can’t Be Stopped in mind. That’s the original source of what Southerners now call trill – that’s triple real for everyone else. Bushwick Bill got that. He’s one of America’s first original reality stars. Competition is already heating up for next year’s Lifetime Achievement Award For Keeping It Too Real. Word is that the committee wants to lighten up the festivities a bit next time around, though. So it might end up going to another one of Houston’s finest, Devin The Dude, for using a picture of himself smoking and reading the newspaper on the toilet for his 1998debut album The Dude. WHO YOU CALLIN’ A BITCH AWARD Winner: Miss B One of the highlights of my recent trip to Atlanta was learning about Miss B through her live performance at a showcase for the an-
BEST GANGSTER INFILTRATION INTO THE MAINSTREAM Winner: Baby for the Birdman Shoe You have to respect the marketing sensibility of Cash Money’s Baby (aka The Birdman). He’s one of several Southern moguls to parlay business knowledge originally honed from the wrong side of the law into solid legal money, but Baby may be one of the most brazen about it. Take The Birdman, a “signature shoe” he designed in partnership with Lugz. For those unfamiliar with drug terminology, a “bird” is a word for cocaine. Thus, what we essentially have is the coke shoe. Available at a mall near you! Lugz is an urban company savvy to its market. They’re not afraid to be less than subtle about this kind of theme, and we have to salute their balls for doing it. “The sneaker features a clean-cut design,” touts the corporate press release, “and each pair will include a special ‘bling-bling’ Cash Money Stack Clip (key chain for girls).” Good thing, for a blinging clip is certainly a lot more sophisticated than a rubber band. Initially priced at $70, The Birdman shoe is a lot more long lasting than, well, other things that someone could buy with that money. WILDEST VIDEO SHOOT Winner: T.I. for Birthday Bash promo In the summer of 2004, self-proclaimed “King of the South” T.I. was on a work release program from Georgia’s Cobb County (stemming from a violation of parole from a 1998 drug conviction). He had been serving time at nearby Fulton County Jail since April. In June, T.I. arranged to have a film crew come into Fulton County Jail to make a short video to preface his appearance at the annual Birthday Bash for Atlanta radio station Hot 107.9 (the same show that would ignite a beef between the rapper and Houston’s Lil Flip). During the filming, inmate Cara Williams escaped from a processing area. Although Williams was found and back in custody by the middle of that same night and, as Associated Press reports, she was the “10th escape or accidental release from the jail during the last 16 months,” the incident must not have helped T.I.’s situation with Atlanta officials. It did, however, give the rapper the Wildest Video Shoot, and established a new meaning to “Girls Gone Wild” in the process. Excerpt from Tamara Palmer’s new book, Country Fried Soul: Adventures in Dirty South Hip-Hop OZONE MAR 2005
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