chincheck
by Charlamagne The God
S
o I’m in Puerto Rico this past weekend throwing it up with my radio aunt Wendy Williams and Question Mark Entertainment. I was hosting the concert that was held on Saturday night in the resort’s ballroom, and one of the performers was Keyshia Cole. Everybody knows Keyshia Cole makes music for angry, bitter women who have been dogged by a man. And obviously, Keyshia herself has been seriously hurt by some dude. After her performance, I get on stage and say to the crowd, “Keyshia Cole is an angry woman. Somebody needs to eat her pussy so she can calm down!” Well, Keyshia Cole runs on stage, grabs the mic and says, “Who the fuck does this nigga think he is saying I need my pussy ate?! I’m a woman. You don’t talk to me like that or disrespect me like that!” Now Keyshia, the reality of the situation is this: as Ghetto, Hood, and Real as you claim to keep it, I KNOW that you have told one of your homegirls, “Such-and-such ate my pussy!” It’s been rumored that you were dating Young Jeezy, and now Tyrese. If one of them dudes go down on you, you gone call one of your homegirls and say, “Tyrese ate my pussy” or “Jeezy ate my pussy!” It’s not like you’re going to be politically correct and say, “Tyrese performed oral sex to my vaginal area.....” Keyshia, you’re one sophomore jinx away from being back in the hood, so don’t go getting all proper on us now. I understand you had to thug it out, showcase the whole Keep-It-Real persona the media has given you. I actually loved our little misunderstanding on stage. It made my radio aunt Wendy Williams’ concert that more memorable. The females in the crowd loved seeing you act like the hoodrat next door. In closing, I wasn’t trying to insult you, Keyshia, by saying you need your pussy ate. That’s just how I talk. If I was trying to insult you, I would have said how your hair looks like Wile E. Kitten off the Thundercats cartoon. Keep doing your thing, Keyshia. You really do rep for the women who have been scorned by a man, and you are like a young Mary J. Blige for the simple fact she couldn’t sing live when she first started either.
H
ere’s another one from my lovely weekend in Puerto Rico....I’m a Wu-Tang Clan fanatic. My favorite emcee of all time is Ghostface Killah, so when I found out he was another featured performer at my radio aunt Wendy Williams’ concert, I was amped like, “Oh s**t, I’m gonna meet the god Big Ghost!” His album Fishscale just came out this past Tuesday. I’ve been bumping that heavy. I even let my ears taste that before T.I.’s King album. Anyway, I didn’t see Ghost before he came out on stage nor did I introduce him, so when he came out and I saw him, I was a little confused. No Liberace-style robe, no 6-foot bird on the arm, no trunk jewelry like Slick Rick. In reality, Ghost looked like your 50-year-old uncle who still wants to dress young but doesn’t know where to shop. He had on what I think was a Southpole polo shirt. First off, who wears Southpole? We all know that is the Surreal Life of clothing. When you wear Southpole, you might as well admit to yourself that it is the end of any fashion statements you plan to make in the history of your life! If the shirt he was wearing was not Southpole, then it was one of those cheap polo-styled shirts you can buy for $30 in any local mall. He had on some dingy looking short pants, with some blue socks pulled up to his knees. And his Wally B Clarks - I think they were Lugz! I hope not because all Ghost fans know he said he would never rock Lugz; he’s way above! I was so disappointed. If that’s what Ghost wears under his robe, then he needs to permanently staple and superglue his robe to his body. I’m hoping he lost his luggage at the airport. I mean Ghost got a superhero, Superman swagger, but someone must’ve had krypotonite in the crowd or he couldn’t find a phone booth to change in. That’s just the beginning. As a Ghost fan, it’s certain songs you hope to hear at a Ghost concert. Ghostface came out and did his verse off of “Summertime” by Beyonce. What the fuck?!? Why not come out to “Apollo Kids” or the record off your new album produced by Just Blaze “The Champ?” Ghostface did every record that has ever brought him any type of commercial recognition. That’s cool but not when you got hardcore fans like me who want to hear authentic hood classics like “Fish” and “Daytona 500.” Ghost, the reality of the situation is this you will NEVER cross over to the mainstream. You will never sell a whole bunch of records, so don’t cater to that audience at your shows! Cater to the fans like me who will still buy your records even when you end up on Koch. Ghost, Koch is in your near future because Def Jam is definitely going to hot potato you at any moment. MEMO TO ALL ARTISTS: Image is everything, and song selection during a performance is next to Godliness! Seeing Ghostface perform this weekend was disappointing like have sexing with Beyonce and realizing the pussy’s wack, her panties smell like Captain D’s, and you go to urine the next day and your dick’s burning. - If you would like to tell Charlamagne The God that he is an idiot, email him at cthagod@gmail.com.
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