CHIN CHECK By Charlamagne Tha God HOW TO KEEP IT HOOD (WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO)
Are you a brother or sister who used to live like the Evans family but now have moved on up like the Jeffersons? You never want people to say that you’re acting brand new, or that you’ve gone Hollywood, or that you’ve changed. To ensure that you’ll never change, Charlamagne Tha God and Free have provided seven simple but effective tips to keep you in tune with the essence from which you came.
1) You Are What You Eat
Okay, your money grew up and you’re living lavish, so I’m sure now you want to eat some steak and lobster, wild Alaskan salmon, rare tropical fruits, chesapeake crabcakes, and all that other bougie shit. That’s cool every now and then, but when you want to put the hood into your digestive system, here are four meals that can get you right back in touch with your roots: 1) a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (store brand peanut butter and store brand jelly on White Wonder bread) 2) a mayonnaise sandwich (wash it down with sugar water) 3) Chef Boyardee ravioli, or 4) if you’re really, really trying to keep the hood in you, Ramen Noodles.
2) Stay Paranoid
Even though you now live in a gated community that has police patrolling the block every five minutes, always remain paranoid! Make sure you’re inside the house by the time the street lights come on. Even though your car is locked in the garage, put the club on the steering wheel anyway. If you’re in your private study smoking a joint and you hear a knock at the door, run to flush the rest of your stash down the toilet. When you’re driving in your neighborhood and one of those cops that patrols the neighborhood every five minutes happens to drive behind you, whisper “oh shit” to yourself, just because, and throw on your seatbelt! 3) Petty Theft Every now and then walk into a store and take (notice I said take) a pack of gum, a candy bar, or a magazine. Nothing more than $4, because that’s stealing. Anything under $4 is just taking. 4) Still Down Decorations Still Down Decorations is exactly that. You decorate your mansion or luxury condo to show that you’re still down. Instead of curtains you hang up sheets, you have at least one flea market painting (the dogs playing pool is the best one). Put up
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pictures of your family on the wall with no frame, just a thumbtack through their head. Most importantly, have a floor model television with another television on top of it because the floor model doesn’t work. 5) Table Manners So you’re out with a rich, classy new associate. You’re talking big business in a five star restaurant and utilizing all the table manners and dining etiquette you have been taught. Suddenly, you have a vision of your cousin Jamal in your head saying, “Look at this old bougie negro. Who you think you is, Barack Obama?” In order to get Jamal’s approval in your head, you can do one of three things: a) take the gum you have been chewing out of your mouth and stick it under the table, b) ask the waiter for a hot glass of water and stick your silverware in it to kill the germs that are not even there, or c) ask the waiter for water and sugar, pull out a pack of red kool aid, and make it right there at the table. 6) Check your footwork Every now and then, buy a pair of Air Forces out of the back of someone’s trunk. When you’re done with the Air Forces, throw them over a power line in your new neighborhood just to remind you of home. Your rich white Republican neighbors should really appreciate that sight in the morning. 7) Give Back On a more serious note, the most important way to stay in touch with the hood is to give back to the hood from which you came. Invest your money into building community centers in your old hood, sponsor the little league teams, be a mentor to some of the youth in your community. The bottom line is that you only become disconnected from your hood when you disconnect yourself from the hood. Always remember that
you didn’t go away to stay away, you went away to make away to make it easier for others to come behind you. These are the easiest and most simple ways to keep it hood (when you really don’t have to). Now you dumb ass rappers and athletes can stop getting caught with guns, stop fighting dogs, and stop getting arrested for possession of marijuana. Your hood pass will always be good if you follow these 7 simple steps. PEACE. From The Minds Of Charlamagne Tha God & Free Follow Them On Twitter www.twitter.com/cthagod www.twitter.com/missfree
1. Shitake Monkey
www.myspace.com/shitakemonkey We’re pretty sure that the name isn’t pronounced how it looks, or is it? This NYC-based crew is known largely for their contribution to 88-Key’s song “The Friend Zone.” Their music is unique, but you can’t help but imagine what the studio smells like when these guys are around.
2. Gutter
Couldn’t find much on this guy other than his music video for “Right Hand Cookin” featuring OJ Da Juiceman produced by Zaytoven. Apparently he didn’t get the memo from Ace Hood that having “gutter” in your name is not a good look. We’re assuming he has a “can’t go nowhere but up” mentality. Well, we may be giving him too much credit.
3. Poke Chop
www.myspace.com/thahoodhomie Not sure if his name is referencing the food or some painful karate move, either way…yeah.