HoE to Housewife By The Bitter-Miss
It’s a rough time to be a woman trying be somebody’s—anybody’s—wifey. There are ten chicks to every quarter-decent man out there, and even that nigga who still ain’t left the corner has three chicks on his shit. But if you want half a chance of being anything more than Thursday’s jump off, an intervention may be needed. Here are a few steps you can take to someday have that nigga take you to dinner at his mom’s house. These tips can’t be stuffed in a garter belt, bitches. Learn something.
Don’t fuck with high profile niggas
You know why Rocsi got a rep for being a ho? Because 50 Cent said so. When that nigga says your “candy shop stays open,” who’s going to argue with that? And let’s not even get into that Lisa Raye shit; we know Rocsi must be praying that someone doesn’t just cut her ass. So next time the dude who is one degree of separation from you and all your people comes around, or you run into that rapper/basketball player/drug dealer, keep that pussy on Fort Knox status. Having your name in the shitter ain’t worth it. Do you really want to be the hook in next summer’s joint? Probably not. If you must have a jump off (ladies have ‘em too), that nigga needs to live in another state, chill with a different social circle or be that lame ass muthafucker who is so relieved to bust a nut, you know his ass ain’t sayin’ shit.
Don’t humor niggas with sex talk
Do not be too available
So what if you’re awake at 7 AM on Sunday morning watching infomercials and would love for someone to rescue you from the monotony. You’ve got shit to do. Unemployed, on parole, broke and with no car, either? Still got shit to do. No one wants a chick with no life, no aspirations and no social life. Most niggas don’t want to enter your life and be your everything. If a dude asks you which day would be best for a date, “oh, anytime” is not an okay response, desperate bitch. Lie, bitch. Tell that man Tuesday’s not good because you’re doing community service at your church, you lyin’ ass hussy.
Don’t go on dates at the crib
If a nigga can’t scrounge up $20 to take your ass to Applebee’s, he doesn’t want you. You do not need to see how nice his damn plasma screen is under three dates deep, at least. You ain’t cheap and your time is valuable. Remember that.
Don’t put it on him too early
First date: he got you feelin’ right, so you let him get it. Too bad, that’s all you got. Your chances of homie sticking around long enough to be anything more than a thick dick are slim. And if your head game is so good you make a dude’s toes curl up, he’s probably thinking you’ve practiced on those 34 mentioned above. No need to lick and suck nipples, ass, balls and toes on date one, you nasty bitch.
Don’t do that nigga no favors
Love sex? He don’t need to know that in the club before he even gets your damn number, dumb ho! Don’t let him know that you can bring Superhead to her knees with your head skills (and jokingly offer a demonstration), get wet in five seconds flat and have a beauty mark on your left pussy lip that the past 20/34 niggas found fascinating. “Haha!” he laughs, but the joke is on you, dumb bitch. Keep your shit on the low low.
There have been a few dudes in my life I would have swam across a shark infested tank for…almost. Picking up the nigga’s laundry, kids, updating his resume, supporting him in all his endeavors and loaning him money is almost the same thing. Think of what he has done for you? Likely he hasn’t done half the shit you’ve done. Make it seem like he’s got to work for your devotion. For real.
Do not accept calls after midnight
Don’t wear that hoochie shit to happy hour…
I once knew this guy who was working in investment banking and thought it was acceptable to call me when he got off work… at 2 AM. What the fuck? Do I look like Akmeem at the fucking gas station? My shit closes at 11 PM, especially since that nigga wasn’t investing in my ass, if you know what I mean. If a nigga calls you during booty call hours, DO NOT pick up the phone. Remember, the goal is wife material. Wife material is sleeping at 2 AM. And if it has been so long since you got some, don’t go to that lazy nigga’s house. Make his ass come get the pussy, that no good nigga.
Or a club, or a date, or to church. But if we’re talkin’ happy hour, I’m thinking you’re supposed to look like the kind of chick with a damn job, where there’s probably some sort of dress code. So when you walk up into McGowan’s bar or some hotel lounge in your lycra, polyester blend dress, all you will look like is a high class hooker (and I ain’t even hatin’ on that, really, but that ain’t gonna make you wifey). A clean, casual look that subtly emphasizes your assets is a better choice.
Stop with that M.A.C. lip gloss
You know how dirty today’s little girls are, giving these 12-year-old lil niggas hard-ons on the dance floor, damn over-developed little hos. And even if you were that chick at the school dance that everyone circled around when you put it on your dance partner, at 26, you need to get over that shit. A jazzed up two-step don’t hurt nobody.
Ladies, I can’t tell you how many of you like to slather on that super-high shine lip gloss, walking around looking like your mouth had a boxing match with a can of petroleum jelly. Your lips should not look like a lubed asshole. Blot that shit off. All a dude sees is his dick in your mouth.
40 // OZONE MAG
Don’t get down like it’s a high school party