KILLER MIKE Words by Julia Beverly
Who’s your favorite porn star and why? I don’t watch porn enough to actually know people by name and be a fan. But in terms of personal porn, I have my own collection. So you are your favorite porn star? Yeah. Me and whatever beautiful assortment of women are with me. I like chocolate and vanilla, like when you get a light-skinned girl and a darkskinned girl together, personally. But, I guess honestly, Superhead is my favorite porn star. She became my favorite after I saw her in the porno with Mr. Marcus. It’s rare you see black girls give head with that much enthusiasm, and she bagged a professional. That’s the equivalent of a guy who plays at the Run-N-Shoot beatin’ Jordan. (laughs) And he ain’t but 21 [years old]! Yeah, so Karrine Steffans gets my vote for that. Janet Jacme gets an honorable mention. (laughs) What kind of car gets you the most action? Mercedes, no bullshit. Any [model] Benz will work if you’re dealin’ with hoodrats, but if you’ve got a 500 or 600 or 550 or somethin’ you’re good across the board for some action. If you’ve got a 430 or something just take the plates off the back, you know? The big body Benzes and the big body coupes definitely get you in. That’ll get you any girl, from the hoodrats to the Michelle Obamas. You’re good in a fuckin’ Benz. Do you think gay marriage should be legal? I think heterosexual people are not the only people who deserve to hate each other for 50 or 60 years and die, so I have no problem with gays being married. If anybody else wants to suffer with each other for 60 years they can. And straight people are raising gay kids anyway so shit, why not let them adopt? More gay marriage and if you’re a gay kid, a gay couple should be able to adopt you. Pick one: the Vagina Power lady Alexyss Tylor, or Oprah? If you’re talking about just doing her, not marrying her, then definitely Alexyss. Oprah doesn’t look like she’d be fun, you know? Alexyss is a great do! You already know everything she does. “You gotta take the balls, and squeeze them...” The only thing that scares me about Alexyss is that I think she’d try to give me a prostate massage. Sarah Palin or Michelle Obama? Oh, Michelle Obama. Definitely. Could you imagine the sex talk with Sarah Palin? (imitates Sarah Palin accent) “Oooh, wow! What are ya doin’ down there, pal? You’re just goin’ at me like a terrorist why aren’t cha?” Like, who wants to hit someone who talks like the Golden Girl that was from St. Paul? I don’t wanna hit that. After you’re finished with Michelle she’d be like, “Yeah, nigga, I’ma make you a sandwich. Gimme some dap.” And any coochie that can make a man walk that cool and handle that kinda pressure [like Obama], I want more of that. You know what I’m sayin’? Yeah, give me that black beautiful woman all day. And she’s bowlegged. I’m not gonna say anything else, Mrs. President. “Killer Mike was killed today, Kennedy style.” (laughs) Rocsi from 106 & Park or Free? Free. Free over Rocsi all day. Man I’ll give Free face time, everything. You know what I’m sayin’? Free would get big time face time from me. Rocsi is a beautiful, slim sista, but my taste is a lil’ thicker. I like that Free. Khia or Jacki-O? Khia. She’s got that gwap. She’s goin’ hit you good. Y’all are gon’ wake up, smoke some kush and go eat breakfast together on her. Lemme tell you why I like Khia, no bullshit, because as much shit as a dude might talk, man, you gotta admit that it’s something about her that says, “Yo, I wanna see them twins outside of that bra.” Every man who says he wouldn’t hit Khia is lying. Every man is looking at those big ol’ titties and thinking, I’ll hit that. The titties don’t quite reach her knees, they’re just sitting proud on top of her stomach. She’s a big freaky girl from the hood. She’s gonna always stay hood fresh and keep you fresh. She smells good, she’s gonna keep you in some Polo, and her dreads are never stank. Every time I see Khia she’s oiled up and them big titties are just shining and shit. Wait, what are my choices? Khia and who? Yeah, give me Khia. And Khia’s got her own gwap. You’re gonna smoke a blunt with her and she’s gonna take you to the Waffle House. She’ll be like, “I wanna be yo’ lady, and have yo’ baby, and meet yo’ mama, and cook yo’ food.” That’s what I need. Baby, I don’t care what you look like, with everythang you said you’re gon’ do, baby.
Roseanne or Star Jones? Man, I’m fucking the shit outta Roseanne. I’m beatin’ that white bitch down. I don’t want none of that loose goose man! I don’t want none of that Star Jones man! Look man, I ain’t hittin’ behind no girl I ever suspected of datin’ a guy that wasn’t on the level, you know what I mean? If he look like he go both ways, no, no, no, ma’am. You can keep that. New York or Hoopz? Hoopz. Hoopz looks like ‘Pac with a wig on. Not in a bad way, she just looks like Pac’s lil’ sister. That’s why I’d just have to hit her from the back, dawg. I can’t be fuckin’ her lookin’ at Pac! Kim Kardashian or Nicole from the Pussy Cat Dolls? Definitely Kim Kardashian. I don’t like skinny girls. I’m from the South so a fat ass is a requirement. I’d rather have the fat ass than the skinny girl with the pretty head. Gimme the fat ass any day. And I’m not a big Kim Kardashian fan. Ciara or Ashanti? Ashanti, with those thick thighs. Ashanti over Ciara. Yeah, gimme that Nelly. Gimme that Nelly all day. (laughs) I want some of that, “Uh, oh! E-I-E-I!” Lindsay Lohan or Amy Winehouse? Lindsay Lohan. Definitely, Lohan ‘cause she just gon’ do a lil’ coke, you know what I’m sayin’? She’s gon’ sniff some coke off magic mountain. Amy Winehouse wants to put a rock on the mountain! You can’t hit this pipe with a lighter, bitch! Gimme that Lindsay Lohan. Me, Lindsay, and an eightball of that deeper than rap. Sanaa Lathan or Halle Berry? Man, gimme some of that Halle Berry. Halle Berry is the prettiest white woman on Earth. (laughs) She’s the prettiest white woman outta all the white women in the land. Gabrielle Union and Lauren London, or Halle Berry? Gabrielle Union and Lauren London? Man, kick that most beautiful white bitch to the side. Gimme that chocolate and vanilla! Gimme that Lauren London and Gabrielle Union at the same time. Lemme tell you somethin’ mane, menages always beat out singulars. Ya’ heard me? Sharon Osborne or Barbara Walters? I’ma definitely fuck Barbara Walters, she’s fucked like presidents and sultans and kings. Yeah, that bitch fucked Richard Pryor. I’ma knock the dust off that old pussy. Starr Jones or Al? Who the fuck is Al? Her ex-husband. Gimme big loose skin. And Big Al, you can’t watch. // OZONE MAG // 39