CHIN CHECK By Charlamagne Tha God DEAR LOS ANGELES, I never told you this before, but I really, really, really, fucks with you. I almost feel like I’m cheating on you with my main, South Carolina. I try to disillusion myself by saying, “I’m going to see my boo SC.” Southern California or South Carolina, it’s all the same, right? Wrong! Home is where the heart is and my heart is forever in South Carolina, but when I’m out there with you, I feel - dare I say - comfortable? I feel like I’ve known you forever. In 1992, The Chronic was the soundtrack to my life. I was 13 smoking weed and yelling, “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks!” In 1993 I was praying Snoop didn’t get locked up for that murder charge. When he yelled, “I’m innocent!” at the 1994 MTV Awards after performing “Murder Was The Case,” I was screaming at my mom, “I told you he didn’t do it! Now give me back my Doggystyle CD!” L.A., there’s just something about you. I see why they call you the City of Angels, because I feel close to God when I’m with you. I tell my homies all the time that they haven’t lived until they’ve ridden down Sunset in a drop on the way to 7009 Sunset Blvd. That’s the In & Out Burger. The locals, like my homegirl Devi Dev of 93.5 The Beat, tell me that In & Out is the most overrated place ever. Every time I go there, the lines look like I’m voting for a president and all I’m trying to do is order a Double Double Animal style (you have to check their Not So Secret Menu for that) so I don’t know what she’s talking about. Dev is on some veggie shit anyway. She had me eating Thai food last time I was with you. It was good, but I really wanted to go to Roscoe’s, and not the one on Sunset and Gower either. I used to go to that one until my other homegirl Keisha Nicole of 93.5 The Beat told me that’s the one all the tourists go to. She said if I wanted the real Roscoe’s dining experience, I have to fuck with the one on Manchester and Main. I knew that one was going to be great when I pulled up and heard a brother out there threatening the valet to find him a parking space. He must have really wanted that Roscoe’s Big Mama Special (scrambled eggs delicately mixed with onions and cheese, served with potatoes smothered in gravy and a biscuit). Is it fucked up for me to have the number to Roscoe’s in my phone? Is that normal? Listen,
24 // OZONE MAG
L.A., I do things when I’m with you that I don’t do when I’m in New York or at home in South Carolina, like smoke weed. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, right? Every time I inhale some of that good ol’ Cali ganja I never regret it. Remember when I was out there and Phil Da Agony from Strong Arm Steady had his born day party at this hotel I can’t remember the name of? We were on the roof and my man King, who was with Krondon and Mitchy Slick, was showing me love, telling me he fucks with me heavy. Then he reached in his pocket and gave me like $50 worth of some good ass Cali kush. Do you know I got high and went into the Scientology Center to ask if Tom Cruise was there? I asked the receptionist at the front desk if they had any spare spaceships I could borrow. That’s how high I like to be when I do smoke. I don’t want to get high and do normal shit I would always do, and I can only get that high in Cali. The other thing I do when I’m with you and not on the East Coast is white women. Cali white women are different. I’m talking about straight Elizabeth Hasselback Republican white women who dance off beat when T.I. comes on and who would never think about bringing me home to meet daddy. I don’t sleep with these women, we just have good drunk conversation. But I do think about banging them. For some reason I never have those thoughts on the east coast. Why don’t I sleep with them, you ask? Because I’m too busy having sex with the prettiest Latino women Cali has to offer. You know that line when Jeezy says, “My Spanish chick in L.A., yeah, I owe her one”? Man, I owe mine two, maybe three. She’s so damn beautiful, I call her Sunshine. We like to role play. We act out Training Day. I pretend to be Denzel and she pretends to be Eva Mendes. Remember the part were Denzel walks in and tells her to fix Hoyt a plate and then they show Denzel waking Hoyt up? We act out the scene they didn’t show. Whatever Denzel and Eva were doing took long enough for Hoyt to fall asleep, so we act that out. Yeah, man, L.A. loves me and I love L.A. and its music scene. All my new favorite artists are either from L.A. or South Carolina. It’s weird because I have personal relationships with all these dudes, like Glasses Malone, Crooked I, Bishop Lamont, and the Strong Arm Steady Gang. I love these brothers’ music, and they’re good people.
Glasses Malone is heavy in the streets of L.A. and he can move in any circle because he gets what he gives, and that is respect. We were eating at a Denny’s in the middle of Watts and he had his Bentley sitting outside and no one thought of jacking that brother. Everyone from the patrons to the waiters was showing that brother love. Crooked I set up bar tabs for me and had the strippers give me free lapdances, and he wasn’t even at the club yet. Bishop isn’t into all that shit. The realist thing he ever said to me was when I asked him what was popping in L.A. that night. He responded, “I have no idea.” Bishop’s Confessional mixtape makes you realize that every emcee in L.A. is not all about Impalas, bitches and chronic. L.A.’s new west Hip Hop scene is the shit. I just pray those brothers get the same chances that Snoop, Dre, Cube, Xzibit and other West Coast emcees who came before them did. You would think those brothers would be putting more of these new West Coast artists in positions; giving them a hand, but I guess that’s hard to do when you’re still trying to rap your damn self. “To Live and Die in L.A.”, Pac said it best, “It’s the place to be / You got to be there to know it, everybody wanna see.” I’ll be seeing you soon, baby. Writing this letter has me about to go to cheapair.com and book my ticket and call my homegirl Toni at The Standard hotel downtown and tell her to reserve my rooms. L.A., until I see you again, peace! Love Always, Charlamagne Tha God a.k.a. Charla Chronic P.S.: Stupid Dope Moves Inc presents No Time Zone (Ode To The West) hosted by Glasses Malone and The Game coming soon!!! You know we’ve got this digital mixtape game on smash! Over half a million downloads this year! Cali, I got you!