CHIN CHECK By Charlamagne Tha God T
o Cheat and not get Caught, that is the method. Before anyone out there gets offended, I’m not condoning cheating. I’m not even saying that cheating is right. All I’m saying is, think of when you find out your kids are having sex. You may not want them to. You will even let them know they should wait and you don’t agree with their behavior, but you have to explain to them how to protect themselves. You’re going to caution them about STDs and pregnancy and everything else you want them to know about sex. Even though you’ve told them it’s wrong to have sex you know they’re going to do it anyway so you might as well school them on doing it right. Ladies, I hear you. “Why the hell do you men have to cheat in the first place? If you have a good woman at home, why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?” First of all if I do decide to partake in some extracurricular activities it is not a reflection of what I’m not getting at home and it is not a reflection of not being satisfied. In fact, it has nothing to do with my wife, girlfriend, or main chick at all. It has to do with the fact that for a brief moment in time I was attracted to a member of the opposite sex, which is highly natural. No emotions, no mental or spiritual connection, just a straight physical encounter that can’t and won’t hurt anybody if you do it correctly. What is doing it “correctly,” you ask? Correctly is to Cheat and not get Caught. I believe that it wasn’t the extramarital affair that John Edwards had with his former campaign worker Rielle Hunter that caused him to lose his political career and it wasn’t the cheating that made Bill Clinton lie to America by denying any sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky back in 1998. It is also not the cheating that made Morgan Freeman’s wife leave him after 30 plus years. If it wasn’t the cheating, then what was it? Ladies and Ghettomen, boys and girls, and even all you crackheads, pimps, and pedophiles, the reason all these situations went down is because the men got caught! Cheating doesn’t hurt, because what you don’t know can’t hurt you! If I don’t bring any STDs home, if I don’t get any other chicks pregnant, if you don’t feel like you need to look through my phone and stress me about where I go or where I’ve been, we have a happy home. No harm, no foul. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it fall, who gives a fuck? It’s the getting caught that causes the problems! Men, we don’t take this cheating
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thing seriously enough. When you are cheating you have to act like you are making a major, major drug transaction. You have to move like you have 80 kilos of cocaine and one of George W. Bush’s daughters tied up in your trunk. You have to treat it like you can’t afford to get caught. The last thing you want is to face the consequences of your significant other! Men, we have to start moving like women. But hold up: all of you half-fags with your tight jeans, Mohawks, and v-neck t-shirt, don’t get excited. Put your eyeliner away. What I mean is that women move in the shadows. I really believe women would make better drug dealers than men. I’m not promoting the selling of drugs; I am just trying to use an analogy that my hood figures can understand. A woman can get up at seven in the morning, work until five, come home and cook, clean and put the kids to bed. That is her everyday routine. She’s not on her cell phone texting in the middle of the night, never taking her phone in the bathroom to make a call. But somewhere in that 9 to 5 she had some cock for lunch, homie. She told you she was going to get a 12 inch and you thought she was talking about a Subway sandwich! Men do the opposite. Texting all the damn time, taking your phone in the bathroom and whispering, not realizing the sound is magnified times ten in a bathroom. When men jump-off, they have a tendency to change their patterns, making up dumb ass lies, like, “I’m going to the barbershop.” Homie, there are no fades being given out at midnight on a Sunday. You swear you’re getting away with something, but your woman is not stupid. Truthfully your girl is probably fucking that same barber you claim to be going to see. He is cutting your hair and cutting your woman and you don’t even realize it. Men are dogs, women are cats. Dogs fuck in broad daylight; they get stuck together looking all crazy in the yard at 12 noon when the sun is at its highest. Everyone can see them and they even say, “Look at them dumbass dogs.” That’s why whenever men get caught cheating women say, “Look at that dumb ass dog!” But women move like cats; mysterious and sneaky. You have never in your life seen two cats fucking. You always see the kittens though, so you know they’re getting it in. As a matter of fact, when cats mate, multiple male cats will be attracted to the one female cat in heat. The males will fight over her, and the victor wins
the right to mate. At first, the female will reject the male, but eventually allow the male to mate. After mating, the female will give herself a thorough wash. If a male attempts to breed with her at this point, the female will attack him. Once the female is done grooming, the cycle will repeat. Women go through the same process. If a woman is in a relationship, she is not just going to give herself to any man trying to get at her. They have to fight for her attention and the one who moves less like a dog and more like a cat is the one who will win the right to sleep with her. When they are finish getting it in, the woman goes into her zone like the female cat when she is grooming. If the male tries to get at her during this period she attacks him by demanding that he not call her. “I’ll call you when I need it,” and that is the way it should be. Men want to lock everything down and control everything. Homie, did you not forget you have a main chick at home? You can’t be doing all the extra shit, brother! Know when to hold them and when to fold them. Getting all emotionally attached, taking your side chick out on dates, eating in the same restaurants you take your main chick to and sending your side chick to shop in the same stores as your significant other. You’re about to get caught and fuck it up for the rest of the men who know how to properly cheat! And all you dudes with main girls, if you have a side chick don’t kiss her, don’t hold her hand, don’t eat her pussy, please don’t bang her raw, and please don’t be texting her and calling her to ask how her day was. You are not her man, and she is not your woman. Those things I just mentioned are only for your main sugar stain. If you are violating any of these rules you might as well turn yourself in because you are about to get caught. It’s almost over. Aretha Franklin a.k.a. the fat lady is singing, that upper room is being prepared for you, somewhere someone is buying fresh flowers to put on your grave cause you’re about to kill your whole beautiful situation at home. It won’t be because you cheated, but because you got caught. Now that I have shared with you my jewels, apply them to your life properly. For the record, all this research I have compiled on cheating was done on a strictly secondhand basis. I have not experienced first-hand any of the things I have talked about. Smart men learn from their own mistakes and wise men learn from the mistakes of others (translation: ’m not fucking up my happy home cause of an OZONE Magazine Chin Check). Remember: To Cheat and not get Caught, that is the method. Until next time, The Sinister Minister Charlamagne Tha God