Now that Mr. Vick has decided to be a man about his actions, he may very well never play another NFL game. He still has needs though, right? As caring, compassionate individuals, we decided to come up with a few ways for Mike to make some cash without killing any more dogs.
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Become A Used Car Salesman Hey, Dan Marino did it, right? Look at it this way: No one trusts a used car salesman who appears trustworthy. You’ve already done an excellent job of ruining your image, so people would have no choice but to trust you. Besides that, how many people would buy a car from you just to say they bought a car from Mike Vick? Autograph each steering wheel, and the value of every Cutlass Supreme on the lot just tripled. Be careful, though: If you’re going to get into this car business, know that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. No pun intended.
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Join The “Incredible Athlete Turned Terrible Rapper” Community This amazing list of people already includes Shaquille O’Neal, Deion Sanders, and Roy Jones Jr. That is tough to beat. Michael, Michael…You’re a great athlete, and you get bored every once in a while, we understand. But instead of taking out your frustration on the animals, get somebody to throw you a beat. We’re here for you, Mike. Join The Mafia Everybody has seen your bulging muscles in those Under Armour commercials, and we’re all very impressed. The Al Capones and Charles Lucianos of this world would love to have someone like you on their “staff.” They even said they’d promise to “make you an offer you can’t refuse.” Be a bouncer, do some dirty work, just try to stay away from the
Michael
Vick
BY THE NUMBERS $23,102,750 Vick’s salary last season $8,667,200 The salary of the 2nd highest paid player on the Falcons last season 75.7 Quarterback rating for Vick last season 19 Number of NFL quarterbacks with a better rating 1 Number of women named Sonya Elliot who filed civil lawsuits against Vick in 2002, claiming that he gave them genital herpes, and went to see a doctor for the disease under the alias Ron Mexico. 2 Number of days after the incident that it took for the NFL to ban all personalized jerseys from having the letter and number combination “Mexico, 7” 4 Number of major professional sports leagues (NHL, NFL, NBA, and MLB) that ban any personalized jersey from bearing the combination of “Mexico” and “7” to this day.
animals. If you need someone to help get you started, we can get you in touch with Tim Donaghy. We’ve heard he has some friends in that area.
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Get A Job At The Georgia Dome Give Arthur Blank and Rich McKay a call and propose a serious meeting to determine where to go from here. Let them know that you are on a tighter budget now, and maybe they could pick up some Twistee Treats and meet up at your place. Try and work your magic into another job at the Georgia Dome, possibly in concessions. I know the pay is probably a little less than you’re used to, but I definitely think that there is potential here. Imagine with me if you would: Vick’s CONcessions. The best part, though? You get to throw dogs around all day long! You can toss them in the air, stomp them while they’re on the ground, stab them with a knife repeatedly if you so desire; I don’t think you could make them taste any worse. Just make sure they get on the bun and to 12 year old “former Michael Vick protégé” Johnny Boy in time for him to catch kickoff.
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Join The WWE Pacman Jones got TNA, but you, Mike, you have the chance to go BIG. Come up with a catchy nickname, The QB, The Vickinator, or my favorite, Top Dog. Do a few shows, travel around a little bit, attract some big crowds. It would be a decent way for you to stay in shape, just try to stay away from the Chris Benoit Workout Plan, I think that one is a bit risky. Maybe you will win of those huge belts, and you can use it to beat some more innocent puppies.
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Start A Fantasy Football League With Your Fellow Inmates Take some big bets at the beginning of the year (once again, if you need help, Mr. Donaghy said he’s got connections) and sit back and watch the royalty checks come in. Who could possibly beat you? You already have the experience of playing with and against these guys every week, and you know who is good and who sucks. Also, you played on the Falcons for all those years so you already know not to pick anyone from Atlanta. How could you possibly go wrong?
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Become A Weatherman I don’t care if you don’t know the difference between Hurricane Katrina and a hurricane with a double shot, this would be high comedy. I would move to Atlanta just to watch you on the 6 o’clock news every night: “Well, Bob, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.” Start Your Own Clothing Line Vick7 hats and shoes would be a huge hit. Throw in some doo-rags and XXL tees and this line would be flying off the shelves. Dog tags and dog collars too? Hire Snoop Dogg as a spokesmodel if you have to. The idea has worked for some people, and for others it has been a complete bust. It’s all about your attitude, and you have to be passionate about what you’re selling. Just imagine your clothes not selling like little Fido not winning his wrestling match. Try not to get any blood on the merchandise though; it’s not good for sales.
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Become The New Kevin Federline Film some commercials making fun of yourself and your situation. You killed innocent canines, so you can’t seriously care what people think about you. Remember the “Michael Vick Experience” commercials? Just make a few more of those, relevant to your new life. Maybe have one where participants dress up in an orange jumpsuit and try to weave their way through rapists and murderers without being molested? Show us how Mike Vick escapes from prison, complete with juke moves and body slams?
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Become The International Ambassador for PETA Seriously. These guys have talked so much junk about you; this would be a great way for you to redeem yourself. Not only would they have to pay you, but you would ruin any and all credibility that they currently have. This would be like a woman’s rights association hiring OJ Simpson. You’d be back in the news again and back as a nightly punchline on Letterman. This is a good thing. We believe you can succeed in whatever you put your mind to. Whether you and Pacman Jones want to revive the XFL or if you would rather just move on with your life, we’ve got your back 100%. If you do decide to venture out into a new career, be careful. You know what they say: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. //
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